Wait for the anger to subside and then expect her to want you back. I went through the same thing. My wife wielded divorce over me and I groveled and stayed passive for a couple years. It was hell. Finally I found my nads one day and said F this, filed myself and had her served. That blew her world up. That was years ago. We're still together. Once she saw how fine I was going to be without her it snapped her out of her stupid temporary insanity and all is well now. Keep your cool. Don't get pulled into any screaming matches. The nuttier she gets the more calm you get. Either way you'll be fine. If she comes back and wants to be a sane person again, cool. If she doesn't then you're better off because she went off the deep end and would just pull you along if you stayed. Staying the course puts you in a win-win situation. Good luck.
Wait for the anger to subside and then expect her to want you back. I went through the same thing. My wife wielded divorce over me and I groveled and stayed passive for a couple years. It was hell. Finally I found my nads one day and said F this, filed myself and had her served. That blew her world up. That was years ago. We're still together. Once she saw how fine I was going to be without her it snapped her out of her stupid temporary insanity and all is well now. Keep your cool. Don't get pulled into any screaming matches. The nuttier she gets the more calm you get. Either way you'll be fine. If she comes back and wants to be a sane person again, cool. If she doesn't then you're better off because she went off the deep end and would just pull you along if you stayed. Staying the course puts you in a win-win situation. Good luck.
You are right, but the more time goes on, the more I come to realize how horrible, shallow, and vain of a person she is.
What type of person puts down their spouse, leaves them, and then goes ape when they give them what they are asking for?
What type of person threatens and makes up false allegations of abuse (really burns me up because of all the those victims) just to gain popularity and sympathy?
In my book it takes a really vile person to do such a thing, I'm no angel as I know I had a deep overbearing/pleasing dependency. I could accept my wife's flaws but her actions are beyond a mid-life crisis or a fling in my book. They seem just plain sick, and I'm actually afraid to be near her.
Wait for the anger to subside and then expect her to want you back. I went through the same thing. My wife wielded divorce over me and I groveled and stayed passive for a couple years. It was hell. Finally I found my nads one day and said F this, filed myself and had her served. That blew her world up. That was years ago. We're still together. Once she saw how fine I was going to be without her it snapped her out of her stupid temporary insanity and all is well now. Keep your cool. Don't get pulled into any screaming matches. The nuttier she gets the more calm you get. Either way you'll be fine. If she comes back and wants to be a sane person again, cool. If she doesn't then you're better off because she went off the deep end and would just pull you along if you stayed. Staying the course puts you in a win-win situation. Good luck.
You are right, but the more time goes on, the more I come to realize how horrible, shallow, and vain of a person she is.
What type of person puts down their spouse, leaves them, and then goes ape when they give them what they are asking for?
What type of person threatens and makes up false allegations of abuse (really burns me up because of all the those victims) just to gain popularity and sympathy?
In my book it takes a really vile person to do such a thing, I'm no angel as I know I had a deep overbearing/pleasing dependency. I could accept my wife's flaws but her actions are beyond a mid-life crisis or a fling in my book. They seem just plain sick, and I'm actually afraid to be near her.
The fact that you're starting to see her more objectively means you're really detaching and not just faking it. That's good. That put's you in control of your own life and gives you strength and power to make smarter decisions for yourself regarding your M.
That is the craziness. There is rationale to their actions or mindset.
Should have been, "There is no rationale to their actions or mindset". She is operating strictly on what her emotions dictate.
Quote:
What type of person puts down their spouse, leaves them, and then goes ape when they give them what they are asking for?
What type of person threatens and makes up false allegations of abuse (really burns me up because of all the those victims) just to gain popularity and sympathy?
I'm trying to tell you what kind.
Why did you truly file for a divorce? Is it b/c you are in the habit of doing whatever she says she wants?
Now that you have filed, and after describing her as vile.........are you done with her?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Wait for the anger to subside and then expect her to want you back. I went through the same thing. My wife wielded divorce over me and I groveled and stayed passive for a couple years. It was hell. Finally I found my nads one day and said F this, filed myself and had her served. That blew her world up. That was years ago. We're still together. Once she saw how fine I was going to be without her it snapped her out of her stupid temporary insanity and all is well now. Keep your cool. Don't get pulled into any screaming matches. The nuttier she gets the more calm you get. Either way you'll be fine. If she comes back and wants to be a sane person again, cool. If she doesn't then you're better off because she went off the deep end and would just pull you along if you stayed. Staying the course puts you in a win-win situation. Good luck.
You are right, but the more time goes on, the more I come to realize how horrible, shallow, and vain of a person she is.
What type of person puts down their spouse, leaves them, and then goes ape when they give them what they are asking for?
What type of person threatens and makes up false allegations of abuse (really burns me up because of all the those victims) just to gain popularity and sympathy?
In my book it takes a really vile person to do such a thing, I'm no angel as I know I had a deep overbearing/pleasing dependency. I could accept my wife's flaws but her actions are beyond a mid-life crisis or a fling in my book. They seem just plain sick, and I'm actually afraid to be near her.
The fact that you're starting to see her more objectively means you're really detaching and not just faking it. That's good. That put's you in control of your own life and gives you strength and power to make smarter decisions for yourself regarding your M.
As far as I am concerned we have no marriage. I'm going to do anything stupid or reckless, until it is finalized (which can take a year+) but once I "sobered up" from the shock when all the rumors, lies, and stories started rolling in from mutual friends and friends about things she accused me of, I considered myself to be single and she to not exist.
The kicker is the "princess" always complained that I never gave her what she wanted, never allowed herself to be "her", and tried to crush her dreams. In the end I gave her what she had been demanding since walking out, a divorce. But when she was hit with her walking papers she went through the roof .
P.S., she further threw a tantrum when I had the rest of her things boxed up and put into storage. I got an angry message saying I was making a mockery of our marriage in front of god and the courts
You would think I married some teenage drama queen, but actually we are both nearing the end of our 30s.
Originally Posted By: MrBond
I thought you said you blamed her for your unhappiness. What did you do to her in those cases?
She said I did, but that is thing I always tried to be mindful of so I tried my hardest not to do such. Due to her extreme control issues and insecurity, if I did not react in a way she wanted, she would have melt downs, in some cases bad ones where she got destructive or I had to hold her while she cried.
Initially when she did do something to make me upset and angry (usually "gaslighting", making a demand I felt was unreasonable and then her pouting about it, or not following through with a promise). I would withdraw, she would pursue, I would get frustrated, she would then get angry, then it would be wash, rinse, and repeat until someone would get frustrated enough to give up.
Eventually through couples counseling I started identifying the my feelings and short comings(openly) and what I perceived to be her poor behavior/treatment towards me. Sometimes I completely misinterpreted her actions and was flat wrong, sometimes I was right on the money. Regardless, my then goal was to identify where the screw up was (and my contribution to it), learn from it, and then move on. At first things mellowed out but as time progressed I noticed she began to get angrier and more resentful after each session. In her words she said she felt like she was always "losing".
Our relationship went from only her emoting and talking about herself, to me being overwhelmed by all her emotional dumping, then to me feeling comfortable enough to share and actually seeking ways to have a conversation going. The more emotive I became and the more our therapist reached out to her in regards to her feelings/past (not just letting her dominate conversation), the colder and angrier she got, sometimes storming out of session.
Eventually I realized that everything I was "sharing" with her in confidence was being shared with her circle of friends, family, co-workers, etc in an effort to make me the bad guy.
In the weeks leading up to her walkout, she suddenly did a 180. She went from cold, angry, resentful to nice again but always had a reason to be away from home. Furthermore her demanding nature was back, but this time it was with a "smile".
The night she did her "walk out" she did break a few things in the home in her "rush" to get away. (I was away and when I returned it was like a twister came through). Her story; we fought, she was afraid, and had to flee.
In the coming weeks after she would make excuses to come by the home to pick up something minor (a coffee pot)or try to engage me in conversation alone (always had family or friend present when I knew she was coming by). What I found really odd was in the beginning she or a friend would camp out and surveil the home (caught her on our security cam at least once) and when I mentioned it to her in passing (never actually saying it was her) and all of a sudden the strange cars camped out near our home disappeared.
I'm sorry you are going through this! Your situation sounds similar to mine. I wasn't there enough or showed her love. After they leave we realize it and are told it's too late. I'm new but all I can say is keep positive.
That is the craziness. There is rationale to their actions or mindset.
Should have been, "There is no rationale to their actions or mindset". She is operating strictly on what her emotions dictate.
Quote:
What type of person puts down their spouse, leaves them, and then goes ape when they give them what they are asking for?
What type of person threatens and makes up false allegations of abuse (really burns me up because of all the those victims) just to gain popularity and sympathy?
I'm trying to tell you what kind.
Why did you truly file for a divorce? Is it b/c you are in the habit of doing whatever she says she wants?
Now that you have filed, and after describing her as vile.........are you done with her?
I do not know Sandi2, I know the contested divorce process takes a long time. She wanted a quickie "no fault" divorce. The main reason I filed was due to financial reasons. It was supposed to have stopped her from trying to quickly liquidate assets/accounts (which she tried), from walking out on our joint debt, and just " disappearing" till she found herself.
My main worries now are the bills, she left, refused to tell me where she was, and had a plan to just "go live life" while leaving me with all of the financial burdens. Hence I filed and I also sued her looking for relief from the courts (something akin to alimony).
Do I miss her, yes. But I also think she is one of the most disgusting human beings since Hitler, hence why I can't even bring myself to think of her at times.
I worked hard to build us a home, help her finish school (both of us have professional jobs and educations), and purchase things she wanted and liked. When she began to obsess about kids and would get jealous/sad of friends who started having kids, I started working hard in that area too (right up until she walked out).
Last time I saw her, she was leaving our home in a rage of emotion after coming out of "hiding" to pick up some of her junk. Her behavior (and rants) is how I figured out my lawyer hit her with the papers (probably wasn't the best idea to request to have her served at work in front of colleagues )
Thinking back on it, I should have called the sheriff due to her eractic and angry behavior (which actually scared me at times). But I wasn't trying to antogoize and just wanted her to get her stuff and go.
It has been real quiet, eeriely quiet since then. Not a single shred of evidence regarding contact or some type of retaliation from her (does not make a lick of sense to me because she is someone that is obsessed with her image and is very temperamental).
I miss her at times but I also know that someone who loves you is not supposed to put you through constant fear, worry, and hurt. I was devastated when she left, but I had no choice but to ante up because I realized that "princess"was trying to railroad me after first using me up.
I do not know what the DR book says about a marriage that has gone thermonuclear.
Your situation isn't the worst. However, you haven't been practicing DR and as a result, all the anger, resentment and hatred you have now are a result of it. So since you hate your wife so much, go ahead and speed things along. I mean from your tone, you certainly wouldn't shed a tear if she was found dead in a ditch somewhere.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
.