Hanging on and hoping for the best

[BillyHo]

Ok so just to clarify what I meant by fill in the gaps. In my IC session yesterday we went over the timeline since BD. He had me list only the facts and no speculation. He then asked me if I had in my head filled in some of the gaps with what I thought may have been going on. I told him I did and told him what I filled the gaps in with. He told me that I can only focus on the facts and for now I have to be "ok" with not knowing what is in the gaps. He said if we decide to do MC at that time she will be able to fill in some of those gaps for me.

I can see where that could have been confusing Gump. TBH I really don't feel any anger toward my W now. I have accepted that there are issues in both of us that need to be addressed. Without things blowing up now it would have happened down the road and could have been even worse.

[Steady9]

My thoughts are that you keep the 180/Sandi rules going. Be cordial etc.. but show that you got your life going and that you are truly ok with letting people be free to make their own choices... and of course you will make your own choices. (as long as this comes across from a perspective of self confidence and maturity...)

Our minds will drift in and out of the emotions when it is us.... So try to step out of your self and view your situation like it was a movie and what would you tell your character to do next... (not sure if this is helpful... but I do that when I learn from this forum and then look at my situation, I picture what I would tell the character (me) to do)

[BillyHo]

Thanks steady. I totally agree with this. It is so easy in the moment when we sense a change in the sitch to try to jump right in and be overly enthusiastic. The key as you said is to look at it from a non emotional point of view. When I do that I remember that as much as this is about my W's journey I am on a journey of my own. Not to mention being too available could scare her right back to where we were weeks ago. So back to concentrating on Sandi's rules and working on me.

[BillyHo]

So it's been a while and things have changed.

W and I went to our latest discernment counseling session and she decided that she isn't comfortable living together and she needs to move out. This wasn't a total shock to me but I have to say I was very impressed with my reaction to it. I calmly said I understand and that I would support her decision if it was going to help her figure things out. Later that day when we were talking she told me that she was surprised by the way I was acting about the whole thing. This is a big 180 for me because I would have freaked out a few months ago. I don't think I am fully detached but I think that using all that I am learning here has prepared me somewhat for this type of thing.

The next day she showed me a budget she worked out. She had some unrealistic expectations as to how much financial help I was going to give her. We talked about it and I think we figured something out that is fair. TBH I hate to see her leave but I do think at this point it's necessary. Since BD things haven't progressed at all with us living together. I am in a way looking forward to having the house to myself. The worst part is only being with my boys 1/2 of the time.

I'm not sure what she is dealing with or if there is a OM. I do know that I am making significant changes and I am really liking the man I am becoming. Any tips for the separation would be appreciated. I have taken control of all the finances so that's one thing. She isn't leaving until after the holidays (I kind of wish it was sooner) so I guess I'll just do LRT until she's moved out.

[BillyHo]

One more day of work and then the weekend. Not sure what I'm going to do but I do need to find some GAL activities to keep me busy. I haven't been sleeping very well the last couple of nights. Not really thinking about her leaving as much as I am thinking about arrangements with the boys when she leaves. I am going to go look at a new SUV this weekend since she will keep our current one and I will need 4wd for the winter. She said I could just use hers when it snows but I just don't see how that's a good idea.

I still would like some advice on how to handle our interactions until and after she leaves. With our boys playing sports and the swapping of the kids back and forth we will still see each other at least 4 or 5 times a week. I am going to continue my IC weekly as I feel it's really made a difference thus far.

I sometimes think about, what if I find someone else. Would it be better to just move on. I also think I would regret it in the future if I just give up and know that I didn't do everything I could to keep my family together.

[Cristy]

Hello BillyHo,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

Great job regarding your reaction to her statement about her moving out! You have come a long way since you were able to be calm and not blow up. Are you being too financially supportive in her efforts to get her own place? Are you sure you want to make a big investment with a new SUV right now?

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[BillyHo]

I think it is possible that I am being too generous in helping her move out. I tend to be too nice most of the time. I need to learn to treat her like a neighbor and not like my wife. The only problem is if I don't help her she can't move out and I really think for us to move forward either way she is going to have to leave.

I still have no proof of OM but if I was looking from the outside in I would say "she's cheating on you dummie." I guess I don't want to believe that about her but all the signs are there.

So do I just assume she is a WW with no proof? How does my approach need to differ between a WW and a WAW? If your not sure what route do you go?

[BillyHo]

Had a good GAL day yesterday and today so far. Wife got home last night and I immediate headed out the door and went to hang out with some friends at a Bon fire. Got home around 10:30 went to my room and caught up on some reading and fell asleep.

I woke up around 4am and couldn't sleep so at 5 I got up and headed to the gym. Had a good workout, went home and did a little reading. She wet to work and I took the boys out for breakfast. Also did a little yard work today. She texted me from work while I was in the yard about some randomness that could have waited so I just kept working. Within 5 min she called asking if I didn't see her message. I said yes but didn't know she needed me to reply right away.

Since she decided to move out I have really pulled back. The last time I did that she sucked me back in and I got a little too comfortable and let my guard down. This time I hope I am more aware of what's going on.

I am hoping to be able to be more detached by the time she leaves on the 1st of the year. She should be home soon and I'm going to go test drive a new suv. She is taking the only 4wd so I will need to trade my car in.

[BillyHo]

Saturday night we were invited to a hayride at a friends house. She had asked me earlier if we were going together or not. I told her I she could take the kids and I would find something to do. She asked me a couple more times during the day if I was going and she said you know we can both go. I said no I was going to go out.

She came home from work and I was in the living room on my iPad. She came in and sat on the couch watching the show I had on which I know she has no interest in(chasing classic cars). After a few minutes of no interaction from me she asked what I was going to do tonight. I told her probably go shopping and see a movie. She asked if I was going with anybody and I said I don't think so.

Since I started pulling back, GAL and acting as if she has been coming toward me more and more. This time I won't get sucked back in. I hope I am doing the right things here. I'm not sure if she is involved with anyone or not but I do know she's moving out in 5 weeks so I assume following Sandis rules is the best way to go. My responses to her are short and to the point. I don't initiate any convos, TM or phone calls. I don't answer right away or even at all sometimes. Today at work she called me, i didn't answer. She texted me, I didn't get back right away so she called again about 15 min later and I picked up. She told me where she went shopping yesterday and every detail of where she was( I didn't ask). It's crazy how when you act like you don't care they keep trying to pull you back toward them even though they don't want you.

I am sure the whole moving out thing is weighing on her but that is her decision and is only making it easier for me to realize I have to be ready to GAL and work on me.

[BillyHo]

So last night before I went up to bed I told her we need to talk at some point about what furniture you are taking so I can buy new stuff to replace it. About 5 min later she came up and payed on the bed next to me. We talked about it and it morphed into a convo about what this S is. She said she is not looking to date or find a new man. She said that she started having these feelings of not being fulfilled for a couple of years. (1st time she said this). She seems to think she needs the S to see if she is happy on her own. She says that I shouldn't worry about not seeing the boys as much because they can come over if they wasn't even when they are with her.

She seems like she wants to be friendly and see what happens. I am still going to stay pulled back from her but it is so hard to know what to do once she's gone. We will see each other all the time. I just hope she has a chance to miss me. She said we should meet with our discernment C after a month apart and see if we should try that process again.

Do I keep being friendly with her while still not pursuing? I want to be the lighthouse for her. She has never really been mean or spewed at me since this started. She has always maintained that she is confused and just doesn't know what she wants.

I am doing well with GAL and being prepared to move on. I just hope that at some point I get the chance to date my W again and let her see the new man I'm becoming.