She moved out...now the work begins...II

[roist]

Glad Caliguy had the time to spell out what I was saying.

Plus when you lawyer up and she realises you will not just roll over and everything doesn't go according to her plans,dont be surprised if she is less friendly/chatty.

Best wishes

[HaWho]

I've had a live-in MLCer all along and from my vantage point, people going through this are selfish and manipulative. When they do something nice, we tend to think: I think he/she is waking up!

In reality, what I found? Everytime my h would do something nice it was immediately followed by something bad.

She may be keeping some of these routines with you just to get you to sign those papers. I am sorry to be so callous. But MLC is brutal. It really is. The person you knew is gone. Lonnng gone.

Definitely get a lawyer. I know there are legal circumstances where if you move out, you abandoned the home and you lose it. You just don't know what you don't know until a lawyer looks at it all. By the way, the lawyer can look at it and if it all looks great, you don't have to tell her you saw a lawyer! But if it looks shady, well you have to protect yourself and your interests.

Also, stop worrying about what SHE thinks of you. The questions are: what do you think of you and what do YOU think of who she is today? I mean really, do you want THIS person?!?

[Sotto]

Hi, looks like you already had some good advice here, but I'm also going to chime in that you need some legal advice and pronto.

The thing is with her. She wants this to go the way she wants it. She has a vision in her mind where she walks away with X and Y and everything is cordial etc..

But, what she is proposing may not work for you and you need someone knowledgeable on your team to advise you and act in your best interests.

You won't regret it I promise - even if she gets a bit cross about it....

[MoveFrwd]

I told them both that they are siblings and need to work this out. I told my W that she has made it clear that she doesn't want my opinion about anything else and asked why is this different. Her response was golden...she said that I have always been her buffer between her and them. Hasn't she fired me from that role?

Why did you even respond to this note to any of them? She was just copying you on it, right (for Lord only knows what reason)? I wouldnt go around "telling people what they have to do." It isnt your fight anymore.

[SBJ]

Also, stop worrying about what SHE thinks of you. The questions are: what do you think of you and what do YOU think of who she is today? I mean really, do you want THIS person?!?

I totally agree that I don't want this person back, but the one I want I still remember from just a few months ago. I think that I am a pretty awesome person with a ton to give. I think I have been a great, but maybe too attentive husband. I know I am a great father, son, brother and husband. I also know that I have alot to do to become an even better father, son, brother, and husband...and I am willing to do what needs to be done to achieve that goal. MWD said it best in one of her books/videos that the spouse wanting out is making a mistake, because the LBS that puts in the time and effort to make themselves even better will one day make a great second husband/wife for someone else...I'm paraphrasing of course, but I think it is true. I hope that I can calm the storm inside my mind long enough to settle down and continue to make myself better...MIND, BODY & SPIRIT!

The thing is with her. She wants this to go the way she wants it. She has a vision in her mind where she walks away with X and Y and everything is cordial etc..

I agree 100% that she wants everything to go smoothly and her way, and I guess because it is 180* from my norm it is hard for me to get into bulldog mode and battle against her. Her mother has already furnished a condo with new furniture for her, so she wants none of the things that we spent our marriage accumulating...all new and fresh for her from the enabler mother. She wants an amicable split of house equity, retirement, and cc debt. She also is settling for 50/50 split of custody with no child support. Those are the things that she has said anyway...I guess we'll actually see once I get the papers.

We still have to agree on our kids future expenses like college tuition, private school for the younger two, vehicle expenses for them, health insurance, car insurance, and the list goes on. These are things that she hasn't looked into yet I'm sure.

Plus when you lawyer up and she realises you will not just roll over and everything doesn't go according to her plans,dont be surprised if she is less friendly/chatty.

I understand that to truly detach we are suppose to cut off most all ties with our spouse, but I guess that is what I fear the most. This was not my idea, yet I have to cut ties with the one that I love the most...even if that person is not the same person anymore.

I even got a call from the MIL earlier...she was crying and said that she is worried about my W. She said that she is doing things that don't make sense. I wasn't condescending, but I did ask why she has just now noticed this because it has been going on since July. She said she has noticed changes, but she isn't one to rock the boat by saying anything...plus my W is the favorite/middle child and gets what she wants from her mom. The two sisters are extremely jealous at all times.

I hope things get smoother, but I'm sure there are moguls up ahead.

[SBJ]

darknes...I told them both in person. The came to my house last night and asked me if I heard from the sister. I told her that I had not and that they needed to bury the hatchet.

Funny thing is...the sister called me later asking about the email and I told her the same. I did not try and explain the crazy. I just told them both to talk to each other about it.

As I said before...I have been the sibling buffer for many years. I have known my youngest SIL since she was a 13 yo kid. She is like a baby sister to me. I think we have been closer over the years than she and my W have been, but definitely so over the last 4-5 months. She doesn't agree with my W's batchitcrazy ideas right now.

The oldest SIL is ever more batchitcrazy than the W is right now...depression, substance abuse, and the list goes on. She is the black sheep of the family and my W has been the only one to try and take care of her over the years. Now my W is battling her own demons and even the crazy SIL has abandoned her. WOW my life is nuts.

[SBJ]

FEELING AWESOME...Just kidding. I just got served with D papers. Kind of blue, but at least it is moving forward and not staying in limbo.

Now onto the attorney and trying to figure this thing out.

Rumors are now circulating around my kids private school that my W has moved out and is leaving me because of another man that she had met. That is unbelievable and makes me feel a bit embarrassed. While I know that this is a decision that she has made, I still cannot get it out of my head that I couldn't keep her happy. I know that I am supposed to realize that she is not thinking in her right mind, but it is my name on these D papers. It is my life that is being shaken to its core. It's my kids lives that are being rocked by her decision to leave our family.

And I know that they are only rumors, but if true...this OM is a true piece of work. He is a very manipulative, smooth talking, conman. If true, I truly fear for her safety, both emotional and physical. I have to try and detach so that it won't drive me insane if this is the truth. This is person that we let into our lives as a family and I've watched my family crumble.

[roist]

Stop telling them to bury the hatchet. Act as if it has absolutely nothing to do with you. And in reality it really doesn't anymore. Let her handle her crap. Plus you have enough shite to deal with. Why add more? There is absolutely no benefit to YOU to discuss such matters. In fact it could be detrimental for YOU.Why? Because you're dragged into something that could be seen as you siding with one or the other. W could view it as ganging up on her. But more importantly YOU don't like being involved.

This is hard, but it is fundamental that you organise your life to suit YOU.RRemove negativity and anything you don't want. You and you alone get to choose what is in your life. A simplistic view, but try working towards it. Looking at it that way, you have the opportunity to builda most fulfilling life. It is an opportunity.

You may not see that now, but it is true.

I am sorry for the speed at which you got served. It changes nothing. It only confirms that she is unhappy and wants out. In your shoes I would get an attorney and I would tell her so, though I would probably wait until after meeting him/her. Knowledge is power.

Do not block the divorce proceedings. Accept it. But let her do all the work. Stall for time when you can. Don't rush your decisions.Be sure of each step as it could affect the rest of your life. Validate her desire to divorce. State it is not what you wanted (I use the past tense on purpose..... she does not need to know your current thinking IMO) but you will not fight it.

As for OM, I won't tell you what you should do, as I am not sure what I would do in your place. I think I would bring it up with her in person. And say that you have heard rumours and would appreciate knowing the truth. Your kids may hear these rumours too, so knowing will help you reply to them.

Just be prepared. She may lie. If she admits it, do not show your anger. Maybethis would help you back out of that friend zone. Be prepared that it could be true. I will share some words that are easy to write but much harder to live. Accept it as being the truth and seeing as ye are on the path to divorce it is now out of your business, except in relation to your kids. Protect them . Other than that she is free to live her life. If that is her path you will be better off with minimal contact.

This is not easy. Be strong. Best wishes

[job]

I have to agree w/roist on the family squabble. They need to work this out between them. You can't fix this for them...they are all adults and need to do this on their. This is their problem, not yours. After all, you've been fired as a husband.

As for the divorce, I would make sure that everything that is written up is okay w/you and your lawyer has had time to review the document. I would certainly sit back just a bit and allow her to do the heavy lifting. Just keep in mind, if you drag this out, it will cost $$$ as they do tend to have the lawyers go back and forth on silly stuff at times.

Also, don't be surprised if she comes up w/a few lies along the way. It's typical for them to do so. Just make sure you have plenty of documentation on expenses, etc.

As for the OM, he's not so lucky...he's getting a woman who is damaged goods/fragile/emotionally out there. If the divorce takes place, he may decide after some time that she's not worth staying w/but at the moment, it's fun and challenge because he thinks he's got the prize.

I would definitely let her know that the rumors are floating around and that the two of you need to have a talk w/the kids about things. It's easy to have this talk now than after the rumors really get started and the kids hear them.

Bottom line, you need to protect your children the best way that you can. If you are divorced, treat it as a business deal gone south and from that day on, minimal contact would be the way to go unless it's about the children.

[SBJ]

OK, I didn't ask about OM, but I did let her know that there are rumors floating around with the nosy people at our kids schools. Her response was priceless..."People will talk and I'm not worried about it because it isn't a secret." I didn't mention that the rumor was about her leaving me for OM.

As for the family discussions...I'm done with them.

Regarding the D...as someone stated earlier, this is her divorce and at this point she is the one wanting out. I am coming to grips with that fact. It is hard to accept something that you didn't want, but I have to get over that hump.

The funny thing is, Job, that you are right...I do see her as damaged right now. While still beautiful, she looks different, speaks different, and is making no sense whatsoever. Should this continue, I don't know if I will recognize her by Christmas.

I am realizing that this is not about an unhappy marriage...it is about an unhappy person. For whatever the reason, she is unhappy. That has saddened me, but I will have to stand up and move forward without her for now. I will do this for me and my three kids. If she finds happiness away from me, then I will have to find peace with that. If she realizes down the road that she made a mistake, then I will have to figure that out. I just want my kids to be safe, sane, and happy throughout all of this.

Thanks you guys for your 2x4's and advice.