She moved out...now the work begins...II

[SBJ]

eric...I only have control over "ME" and that is to detach and stand.

She had dropped off my kids to my house before I arrived home from my trip...it is hard coming home each time and seeing more things missing. She had forgotten to drop off the youngest son's backpack, so I sent her a text saying that we needed it. She came thru about 830pm like everything in her world is rosy. I guess it kind of got to me, but then I sat back and laughed. She has these blinders on that all of the things in her world are great, but her family is falling apart around her. This includes our marriage, but also her siblings and parents relationships are very strained right now. Maybe her happy face is like a blinder to all of those probs. I just don't know. All I know is, like so many have said here before, she is not the W that I have known for the last 22+ years. I miss her, but...

[peacetoday]

They definitely change in crises
become people we can't recognize

they revert to a younger time and they believe everyone is ok
Everyone wanted this for them
M XH would say why can't you be happy for me-
they think the LBS wanted to D also
They may even think they found the happiness they wanted

But it is short lived .They won't find what they are looking for and you can read many stories here to see the outcomes
Some get help-finally come to their senses
some go off the deep end

You are doing well
Your kids will see your strength ..they need that because they are confused and see MOM as different too-

[j20a00g]

Glad you had a good Trip! Welcome home!

[ericmsant2]

Well I am glad that you recognize that you have control over yourself.

A couple of things to think about.

1) If you want to stop her from taking this from the house. Ask her to let you know what else is left. After that she is NOT to take anything from the house.

2) Change the locks if it would make you feel better.

Look man, you should be civil to her. YOU do not have to afraid of her.

[j20a00g]

Not sure about changing locks. Legally speaking.

[SBJ]

No, they are things that we agreed she could take...it just hurts every time I see something else gone. Several pictures, her mixer that she kept on the counter...things like that.

Also got a lesson on how they rewrite our history today. I saw one of our family friends and she had asked how I was doing with all of this. She said she would have never guessed that we had problems, but that the W told her that we had had problems for over a year now. That's funny because up until July I thought things were going great. Haha.

It was nice to get away, but back to reality today.

[j20a00g]

Yea. Rewriting history helps to solidify and justify their "reasoning".

[ericmsant2]

Yep...the rewriting of history is par for the course.

Mine actually told friends of mine about a week before the bomb that she loved me and that things were great between us.

Realize that she is going to rewrite history to justify HER choices. This has nothing to do with YOU. Ignore it.

As for the stuff that you both agreed she should take, I would ask her when she plans to be done taking things. As for the walking into YOUR house like she owns the place. The time may come where you may need to let her know in a very respectful manner that she needs to check with you to ensure that YOU are home before just walking in.

SBJ -

1) She decided to move. You did not kick her out.
2) As a result of HER moving - the house is now YOURS. Make it feel that way.
3) Believe it or not....it will get better.

Peace,
Eric

[SBJ]

Thanks guys...I guess, even though you know that they are going to rewrite your history together, it doesn't make it any easier to hear that your entire M was wrong and didn't mean anything other than being best friends and roommates. I remember enough of the good times for the both of us I guess. I cannot forget the good times. Nobody said that M was easy, but to throw your R and your memories out it extremely sad.

I miss my best friend. I know that the woman that was once there has changed, but I sure do miss her. I miss coffee with her on Saturday mornings. I miss stroking her hair as she fell asleep. I miss waking up early and watching her sleep peacefully. I even miss the calls asking me to pick something up on the way home from work. Things have changed so rapidly for me that my mind has not had time to catch up. None of this makes any sense whatsoever.

How do you take your memories and feelings for your W and put them up on a shelf for safe keeping?

[SBJ]

To quote The Godfather..."Just when I get out, they drag me back in"...the W wrote an email today to her sister and BIL regarding something that went down right after the BD that involved the EA partner. The sister claims that my wife is not telling the truth about certain things. The W says that she is sick of being called a liar. Anyway...she copied me into the email and drug me into the conversation. I told them both that they are siblings and need to work this out. I told my W that she has made it clear that she doesn't want my opinion about anything else and asked why is this different. Her response was golden...she said that I have always been her buffer between her and them. Hasn't she fired me from that role?

She came to my house this evening to get something for the kids and I sat and listened to her for quite a while without preaching. It is funny how she wants out of our M, but still needs the R when it's handy. I tried to validate her without giving my real opinion.