Another weekend gone, and once again it was an awkward one. Nothing major happened but I have been reflecting on how I'm behaving and I think there is a lot of room for improvement. I'm obviously not initiating discussions and I'm trying to be polite. However... I'm becoming angry or frustrated pretty easily. And I react to the smallest comment or incident. I find myself answering back, or quarrelling about insignificant issues, which is out of character for me. And it doesn't help the current situation at all. Yes he walks around like a moody teenager but I don't think my reacting to every single comment he makes works. I should really try to prepare a batch of those revolting STFU smoothies. And order loads of duct tape. And maybe get a punch bag of some sort in the garage and take my frustrations out on that whenever he is nasty to me.
On a personal level I'm not doing too badly, but not great either. Got loads done over the weekend, but I'm still struggling with:
Really should do something about all of those, but in a way I don't know where to start. The weeks ago I was only a few pounds away from reaching my weight target, but now I'I've gained four pounds which is so disheartening.
Any suggestions on how to pull my shιt together would be very welcome...
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
It is difficult to shine under such conditions. It is hard to not let our spouses affect our moods and hence behavior. I know I have not perfected it yet. But realising those behaviours are not helping you is a great start.
If we keep a scorecard and only act nice if they do, everyone loses. Your actions and behaviours need to be in harmony of how you want to treat others. How you want to be. There will be times they don't deserve this treatment but as I said this is about YOU and how you want to be. Easier said than done, I know.
Be more specific about your goals. What is enough exercise? What is over eating. Make your goals specific and measurable.
Best wishes!
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Thank you for your visit roist, I really appreciate it
I definitely need to get more specific in my goal setting, I feel like over the last few weeks I have been trying to stay afloat, but I let the waves take me wherever they want, it's like I have no control of my life. I'm having a better week, the kids are happier and work is going well. H is not coming home this weekend, that might give me a little breathing space and some time to get organised hopefully.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
You cannot swim upstream indefinitely.Sometimes we need to float before continuing. Just don't float back down the river.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
we're just human. Sometimes we need to take a break from trying to be perfect... I hope that your kids are now all healthy and that you had a great weekend!
Thank you roist and Bee, I appreciate your replies.
I'll start with some good news, but I'm afraid this will be a venting post, I apologise in advance.
My sister had her operation last week, and is now home. She is recovering well, and is feeling better than expected.
The kids are doing better now that they are back at school. S8 is extremely clingy however, possibly he misses his dad more than he admits. However both S8 and S10 are doing really well considering.
D2 had her "30 month" review by a Health Visitor today. It was just a routine test and I thought everything was going to go fine BUT, there are concerns about her behaviour and it seems that she needs further more detailed assessments to check whether she is also on the autistic spectrum. S10 has ASD, so I was able to pick on the signs sooner but I kept telling myself that I was paranoid and that I was seeing things when nothing was wrong. Well the Health Visitor contacted the nursery and spoke with the, and they have similar concerns. I took it better than when S10's diagnosis, but to say I a, devastated is an understatement. I know she is still perfect, but I also remember how hard life was for my son until he got into a special school. Also S10 had the luxury of a normal two-parents-that-love-each-other-family. D2 is getting the sterile, polite version of a "shell"of a family. I don't know how to handle that.
I messaged H and asked him to call when he had time. He called, and when I told him about he said that he already knew. Apparently even that didn't impact on his decision making. When I told him I was concerned because I remember all the anxiety S10 went through, he casually said that things are different now, and S10 only suffered because of how often we moved. When I mentioned that our current situation is actually worse he was GENUINELY surprised, it didn't even dawn on him that maybe a separation could be stressful. I'm very pleased that at that point I brought the call to an end. Very politely, but I just didn't see the point of trying to open his eyes to the actual issues our kids can have. No other family support in the country for me or the kids, no network of friends, and two children with ASD. But all is good in H's world, so that's fine..
Last edited by job; 11/14/1604:05 PM. Reason: Corrected a name for the poster
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Your kids are so lucky to have you! Mine have been clinging on me like boa constrictors the last couple weeks. It's sad our mlc'ers can't see what they're doing. I know my kids are missing their mom.
I'm sorry to hear about your d but again she is lucky to have you. Early intervention is so important and it's great you're on top of it. I know that devastated feeling you speak of, I reacted badly when I found out about my s. Thankfully it was short lived. I'm sorry about your h's reaction. My w has done the same, it's all about her and no consideration about the effects on kids, no consideration for asd. Idk what happened to the woman who grabbed this by the horns when we found out. I think it's added stress they can't handle. Again you're kids are so lucky to have you!
I hope I you don't mind me asking but have you tried dietary therapy? My s had a miraculous turnaround when we eliminated gluten and dairy. After a few days off gluten he spoke to me, it was amazing. We were able to reintegrate dairy and soy after some time but he still has issues with gluten.
Hey Esame. Its ok to vent here. It sounds like you need it! I think you are right, trying to open H's eyes any further is kind of pointless, but those truth darts though...let 'em fly once in awhile. Then he can ruminate on them after you hang up.
I am sorry that you are without a support group where you are (friends, family, etc). I get that...times 10 when you have young children with special needs. Can you maybe find or even create a mom's or parents' group for those with kids on the spectrum through a local events or meetup site? Maybe even enlist the aid of a health agency in spreading the word? It might be a way of both making new friends and gaining some support for yourself. Worth a try!
Also, Kyh had a good suggestion. I work with ASD teens and young addults. One of my big bugaboos is their diet. The new people (past few years) that I have been working with are very pro-food therapy as I was so we were finally able to change up the diets while at school and many of the parents started changing it up at home to follow suit. Not just gluten, but cutting down on starches and processed sugar has helped tremendously. When did our world go so sugar mad? Its even in crackers and horseradish sauce! Sorry...soapbox...standing on it...:) Anyway, we noticed a big improvement in concentration and behaviors of the kids whose parents changed the home diet with us.
Esame. You aren't alone in this. You do have support here and people who look for your name and care about you. I know its not the same as in real life, but that will come. You just have to find the energy to make that happen. It will. It will get better!
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I am sorry you are having to deal with that alone. It must be tough and stressful.Use this forum for support.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Bollox. Children on the autistic spectrum need a stable regime that allows them to develop a structured, secure routine to develop. They will show anxiety by hitting their head, self harm etc. As usual, the MLC'er hits the 'it won't affect them button' when all the experts (my S's included) will tell you the needs of an autistic child differ so much more than an able bodied child.
Autism is a 'secret/hidden' illness that most people don't recognise because there is normally no physical disfigurement. Your doctor/specialist will help you through all this, but you need to stay calm and not get stressed. My S was picked up at the 30 month stage, so, it's good to get an early diagnosis. Don't forget to claim all your entitlements in the coming months as this will also help your burden.
Hope everything goes OK. You will have challenges ahead - I hope your MLC'er sees through the selfishness and comes to his senses.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
