Just posting this to show the remarkable immaturity that can manifest in this process.
A few days ago, h was texting me a bit. All normal stuff. Then a few hours later from when he sent it, I saw a picture he had sent me along with a joke. So I commented and also joked. He sent back a terse text saying he'd sent the picture 2 hours ago. So I said my cellular was off so I didn't receive it. (I have told him this before about needing cellular on to receive pictures.). He said "I know." But I regret explaining it. It was two hours and it was a silly picture. I won't explain again as it makes me feel like the Julia Roberts character in Sleeping with the Enemy.
Fast forward to today. At midday he sends a text asking if we all want to go to dinner as he is craving x and he sends a smiley face. Twenty minutes later? He sends me a nasty text saying: "no answer? OK. No problem. I will eat x here anyway."
He rescinded the invite because I didn't answer in 20 minutes! Guess I am supposed to sit like a chicken with my phone underneath my rump?
45 minutes later, after the first text, I said I was sorry we missed the boat on the invite and thanked him.
In other news he's all over the place. He's been cracking jokes sometimes, like his old self. But then he gets super cranky minutes later. He's pretty much always cheerful with the dog now. Lately he sometimes tells me places he has gone and things he has done. It's all small stuff but he's kept all this very hush hush for the last two years.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho, I hope you are keeping a journal other than here. This is going to make a heck of a book! You are managing everything so incredibly well with his mood swings and strange flip-floppy behavior. How are your kiddos handling all of this? Do you have discussions about what is happening or do they just go with it and shake their heads? I know everyone has their own ways depending on the ages and personalities of the kids and the relationship status between all involved. Its just so chaotic with MLCers. My own kids are grown, yet it affects them almost daily. So I guess I'm just curious.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Ciluzen - it must be hard on your kids. Their whole lives they remember things being a certain way and then poof, it all changes. And obviously they really must see all the changes in their father.
So, as for my kids, there were similarities in how they handled this in the beginning. In the height of replay they both became super clingy, we all co-slept for quite some time and they were needy, in general.
S11 was most worried about divorce. It scared him. He asked a lot of questions about that. I heard him once ask h about divorce. H told him divorce was no big deal, just a quick piece of paper was all one needed! (He was ice cold and the TOTAL opposite of what he used to say/think about divorce.) S11 (who was 9 then) came and lied to me, with his lip quivering, he told me that h had said he would never get a divorce. That about broke me in two. It hurt the most that I could not promise s that we would not divorce. H was such a mess then. (He still is but in different ways now.)
The most residual weird "thing" s11 has is that anytime h goes anywhere, he interrogates: "where are you going?" "When will you be back?" The second h opens the hall closet to get his coat, s11 starts the questioning. H does not seem to pick up on its root cause.
(The coat closet is a trigger for me, too. In the height of replay, h would get his coat and just leave without saying a single word. He literally looked like a zombie.)
With S13, it's more complicated. When h moved downstairs s asked a lot of questions. On the advice of an IC, I told him h wasn't sleeping well and so, not to wake me, h slept down there. S13 was just 11 at the time and is quite perceptive. He said h abandoned me. He knew h was off his rocker from the get-go.
At first I tried bobbing and weaving around his questions. But he was persistent. One day, out of the clear blue he asked: "is dad having a midlife crisis?" And I told him the truth. Over time I explained a lot of the psychology behind it. I know he figured it out from certain tv shows that were portraying men in MLC. H met so many of the cheesy stereotypes.
S13 remembers h before this. He feels the loss. Sometimes he'll say: "remember when dad used to do x?" Sometimes it's like we're talking about a dead person.
He sees that his friend's dads are different. Well, actually, that his dad is different from other fathers. My h's father walked out on them and was a deadbeat. H told the kids this before MLC. S13 has said: "dad is just as unavailable as his own dad was to him. The only difference is that he still lives here." Ouch.
There have been times s13 and h have had discussions where s13's logic is significantly more refined than h's. I am pretty sure s13 went off and did a massive amount of reading on this. And he is a kid who does better when he knows the ugly truth.
H is slightly better with them now than 2 years ago. But he's no where near the father he was before all this.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
How are you coming along in the "no texting" in the home situation? Has he ceased the texting while under the same roof w/you? If not, you really do need to stick to your guns about him actually talking to you versus the texting. It doesn't matter if it's asking you about eating out or blasting you about something...he needs to learn to "talk" to you.
I do hope that you and your family have a nice Thanksgiving. He doesn't realize just how lucky he is to have a warm, loving and patient wife.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, there have not been any in-home text conversations since the last time I told him to come to me to discuss things.
What made this situation particularly ridiculous is that I was not at home when he asked us to dinner and then rescinded the offer in 20 minutes. His expectation that I should be ever-available is juvenile.
But don't worry. I get it that he needs to man up and learn how to interact face to face. I will toe the line on this. My suspicion is that he'll purposely not text while we're both home but just try at a time when we aren't both home. I'll be ready to say: let's discuss this later, face to face, when we're both home.
Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrate!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Okay, 24 hours later, I finally awoke from my food coma.
Thanksgiving was interesting. I cannot get over how much happier I am this year! I had a really nice day.
H and I took the kids sonewhere fun before dinner. We sat together and watched them play. I felt no discomfort and no awkwardness. What a contrast from last year. It was a bit cold and h offered to buy me a tea. I said no at first but he insisted and I was glad I had it as the afternoon grew colder. The boys had a great time; so many smiles and laughs.
H had his sense of humor about him. He sent a few funny pictures to his family. They were photos that demonstrated his old sense of humor.
At one point at the start of dinner, the boys went out together to get a nice picture of the sunset. H and I were alone. He said something I didn't catch. So I asked him to repeat it. He had said that our family was small and even smaller now with the two kids outside. I laughed at the wit. It was funny as he always wanted a really large family.
It's odd how memories can flash to you in an insant. Years ago, h and I had a really silly argument. I can't even remember what it was about but at the end he told me I was not part of his family! I am patient, but when I get mad I get really mad. (My BIL who I have known for years saw me mad at him once and his wife, my sister, said "ohhh, this is really rare to see her mad. Now you're going to get it. BIL said he was so shocked to see my quick tongue lash out and that side of me.)
I told h to apologize. He would not. (He was already in the MLC anger phase I now realize.). We were in the car and I told him to pull over. I got out and walked home 2 miles in a dress, my heels in my hands and smoke coming out of my ears. About a mile in he pulled over and told me to please get in the car and I said NO! He followed alongside for a bit until I told him I would call the police and report him for harassing me!!! He drove off, finally.
So, I had forgotten that. I wonder if he wasn't already "talking" to his mom even back then as he always told me she wasn't really his family. That was 4 or 5 years ago. Not sure how early in MLC they can project?!?
Later on the boys are sitting near each other. And they lean in and kind of hug. All bias aside, they really are kind boys. Most siblings their age are at each others' throats. H turned to me and his look showed his endearment over it. Most boys do not show that affection openly for anyone, never mind a brother. Whenever they ask for something I always joke: I already gave you the gift of a lifetime--your brother. This induces a lonnng groan and impressive eye roll.
At the end of dinner we all got up from the table and s13 hugged h. Then s11 did. I was just going to walk by, but h opened up his arms and we hugged. That is the first hug he has intitiated in so long. As we walked he put his hand on my hip and kind of guided me. He did the same on the stairs. So like his old self.
But I am worried. I felt nothing. No sadness, no pain, no resentment, no nostalgia; really and truly, no emotion whatsoever. I am concerned about that.
Don't think the night was not touched by MLC though. We watched a movie, a favorite of h's from childhood. The second the movie ended? H immediately said: "every person in that film is now dead." Ahh, there's that sunny side of MLC. S13 asked: does that depress you? H dodged the question.
I thanked him for a nice day. He thanked me for the nice company. And the first thing that came to my mind was: there could be a lot of men who would enjoy my company.
There was one moment that was odd. At the end of the movie, h saw another rated R movie on and asked if I'd seen it. I said I had and that it was good. I thought he was just being conversational. But later, upstairs by myself I remembered him telling the kids they couldn't watch it and I wonder if he wasn't angling to watch it alone with me?!? Who knows. The thing is, it just does not occur to me that we would do anything alone without the kids. It wasn't even on my radar.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
But I am worried. I felt nothing. No sadness, no pain, no resentment, no nostalgia; really and truly, no emotion whatsoever. I am concerned about that.
I thanked him for a nice day. He thanked me for the nice company. And the first thing that came to my mind was: there could be a lot of men who would enjoy my company.
Hi HaWho, Happy Thanksgiving ... I think it's actually normal that you felt nothing. Honey, you've been living directly in the war zone that is MLC ... there's bound to be some trauma. You've had to shut down to some extent I think to survive. I defer to people who have been around longer, but that's my feeling on this. He has caused a lot of damage to your trust and it will take more than one nice day together to restore that. Yes, a lot of men would enjoy your company. I think that this is what they mean when they say ultimately it's up to us whether or not the marriage survives.
I have felt that also. My heart has always skipped a beat when I look at my STBXH. I noticed at S's confirmation that it no longer happens. Now when I look at him I don't see my darling husband. I see the man who abandoned me and broke my and our son's heart. That makes me sad, but there is no skipping heart any longer. Could it come back? Dunno. I can only tell you that I think it's normal given the circumstances. Best to keep it in the day to day.
xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I agree w/bttrfly's posting. Those feelings will eventually return, but right now, you've been hurt so deeply and you've put up a wall to protect yourself, your emotions/feelings and what you are experiencing is very normal. Right now, I wouldn't be too concerned about how you feel. The time to be concerned is when he wakes up and that's when you'll need to figure out whether those feelings will thaw. You may even have to consider an IC for yourself to help you work through the trauma you've experienced over the last few years...but that's down the road a bit. For now, focus on the good things that happened over this holiday and be thankful that he acted like an adult and not some little brat for a change.
I'm very happy that things were calm and all of you could enjoy the holiday. Now...it's on to the tree decorating and holiday away from home!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I don't doubt for a minute that there are many men who would enjoy your company.
I totally understand that you are standing for a M with someone you are not sure you want to reconnect to. Or rather you are not sure you can reconnect. Cross that bridge when it comes.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
