XW showing signs or just MLC script

[Irish M]

My past posts:

Past 1 - Wife goes deep into the tunnel

Post 2 - Wife still in the tunnel... more fog

Post 3 - no clue where wife is can't see past the fog

Post 4 - 2016 a new year.. Getting out of my own fog

Post 5 - Finding myself and leaving my wife to her MLC

Post 6 - A new day is approaching

Post 7 - Me and my 2 daughters

[Irish M]

So XW has been texting me and emailing D's both different messages. To me its blame and regret .. to the D's its simply as if she did nothing to them.

Well handled. Except when she said she was going to do better with OM, I would have said "If he'll cheat WITH you he'll cheat ON you.

I had to laugh at this KML. yes I would of loved to reply that because I know it's true. I just try to avoid putting any kind of spot light on this OM. He has nothing to do with me.

But, for sure she's thinking about things. Maybe just a little peek out and maybe something more sustained, but who knows at this stage?

Hi Sotto. yes she is spinning. she goes from regret to blame to not commenting on my replies. Hopefully she works on it and it helps her along. Stages.. what are those. lol. When I first got here I read the stages and all the sitches to compare to mine. I think with MLC no one can ever tell you exactly what stage they are at because they bounce around them too much and most of it is done without our knowledge.

I would continue to validate her if for nothing else to help her healing to forgive herself-
I would be available only if she contacts you and not immediately..because you are busy with your own new life

I might also give some thought to offering her a way to reconnect with all of you

Hi Peace
Yes very good advice. Not much I can do either way. If it helps her connect then all the better for the girls. I'll still keep an eye out so they don't get sucked into a trap. If it really is a start she will have to do the work. I won't stand in the way unless my daddy senses start tingling.

She may be starting to want to reconnect to your daughters and given the time line it would not be all that surprising unfortunately for her your daughters are not going to make it easy .... I think it's a good thing and will force her to take a deeper look inward which would be beneficial for her

You know my girls quite well Cali. No it won't be easy. My D16 has told me that her mom will have to jump through hoops and walk on hot coals. No OM.. at all. She has her own list but i understand her not wanting MLC mom back. I pray XW does do the work. I'll be honest with you I never thought she could message the texts she has already.It wasn't in her character to open up. Some of her messages are words that I never heard before. Things she should of dealt with long ago she is now seeing.

I doubt you wanted to be when you got here, but you are truly an inspiration, Irish. I truly hope your ex can get whole again at some point and can reconnect with your daughters in a healthy way. I think that would be very good for your daughters in the long run.

Hi AJ. you first posted to me when I came over from the Newcomers side. You, Job, Cali, Cadet, KML, RD, Vanilla were and are my angels.

I agree, If not for me for my girls. They so need their mom. A healthy stable mom.

So another feral MLCer comes out when the LBS starts to truly move on. As someone else posted, part of the MLC script?

Not sure if it's that. But it was not my intentions. We will see what she has to offer and go one step at a time. I will tread very slowly and cautiously.
If it is that , then all it will say to me that she is panicking about plan B being gone. She has a lot more to lose than me. Her girls will distance themselves more and more as time goes by.

UPDATE-

Yesterday was quiet, no messages from XW to my daughters or myself.

I felt uneasy around 9PM, Had a horrible gut feeling of XW hurting herself.

In some of her texts she said just before BD she felt so much pain that she thought of ending her life. Instead she ran. I guess I was thinking of that and it made me worried. 3 full days of messaging me about her regrets, pains and then covering it all up again with blame to me and the girls. I got worried about her.

I haven't worried about her since before last Xmas.

Just after 9:15 I get a text from her.

The last 10 years wasn't fake. I do wish you happiness, I made a mess and rebuilt my life, I'm happy. Take care.

My reply to that was simple: I knew it wasn't fake but thank you for telling me. It means a lot.

She replies: I'm sorry I said that. I was mad at you and really sad to realize that I wan't loved or wanted by my family. I felt isolated. Even if you tell me today I was loved , I didn't feel it. It's sad where we are. You and the girls did't show me you cared when i needed it. My pain was too strong.
My cell battery is dying, I'm so tired. Good night.

My reply: I did let you go because I had to not that I wanted to. Good night.

[peacetoday]

Irish

She seems to be twisting it back on all of you and taking no responsibility for her part
because of guilt,,she can't fully face it, or she faces it and then slides quickly in denial

Maybe she could not feel love because of the way she feels about herself and her choices and her past(childhood)..It is not your fault or place to make her feel loved or lovable or she may not be clear of what love is-and expect someone to save her from herself-

She wants you to give her something that you can't..

You may want to keep your expectations low so you dont get sucked back in because she may come in and out for a while..touch and goes

and only time will tell how she lands and if she sticks with therapy or runs-
Therapy must also be very painful for her

She may also like to keep you by a string so you dont move on to fast- IDK



I can imagine that This is tough situation for you-
But you handle it well. Alternating Validating her and also some reality darts when needed-

I also get the sense that when you move away -she tries to pull you back-
hang in there and enjoy your night

[bttrfly]

Irish, forgive me if I sounded bitter. I hope she's coming out of it. Hard to tell, given the holidays are approaching, and you've done an exemplary job of dropping the rope and going dark. She's seen you out to dinner with someone else. That seemed to me to be a trigger. I feel like my best, most neutral advice (neutral cuz I have my own baggage in my face right now which is coloring my answers): keep your expectations at zero.

What always helped me back when I was worried sick about stbxh and even now when those moments of worry set it is to pray for him. And I do pray for him, routinely, for his own sake as well as for my son's. Let's put it this way: praying isn't going to cause any harm and could actually do a lot of good, depending on your beliefs.

That's all I've got my friend. Take care and {{{{{hugs}}}}}

xoxoxo

[Lana_71]

Hi Irish
It is the first time I write for you... I have been reading your stitch for last couple of days as I am in a similar situation with my H leaving me and two girl with limited communication to no contact and doesnot feel did something wrong. It seems to be a long hard path you went on but wow you should be so proud of your girls ... I believe the response they gave to their mom was spot on.
I hope one day she will figure a way to reach them with humility and regrets. I think she might be on her way but might take a while. i think our kids might be lucky not to see the details that MLC might be doing during this phase. So their disappearance might be blessing in disguise . The question i have and I think she is going around the bush to ask would you ever think of taking her back? What do you feel about her? Will you be able to forgive... might be too early to ask that but I guess something on my mind .

[bttrfly]

How was the weekend bud?


{{{{{xoxoxoxo}}}}}

[Irish M]

Thank you for sharing that Irish. It's a chance for us all to get into the MLC mind a bit. You handled it so well, much better than I would I'm sure. You and the girls and so strong, I am so proud of you guys.

I hope your holidays are wonderful, sounds like they will be.

Hi Mleigh xox, good hearing from you. Missed your messaged on my last post. We are doing well. Life is good and we are still not falling for the MLC traps.

Maybe she could not feel love because of the way she feels about herself and her choices and her past(childhood)..It is not your fault or place to make her feel loved or lovable or she may not be clear of what love is-and expect someone to save her from herself-

Hi peace (((hugs)))
I think you are right. She had no love from her mom growing up and even less when she was in my life. Her mom was a cold woman. It's a shame but XW had no stability. No long life friends. So I believe her when she says she is in pain. Her crisis was unavoidable. Maybe her seeing me and the girls so close because we use to joke around a lot and she sit back. Maybe deep down sh was feeling that not part of the family. It's sad. Hope she figures it out. Yes therapy is for sure opening up some doors in her MLC mind.

The question i have and I think she is going around the bush to ask would you ever think of taking her back? What do you feel about her? Will you be able to forgive... might be too early to ask that but I guess something on my mind .

Hi Lana, so sorry about your sitch. I started reading it tonight. I think you have the right idea about protecting your kids. It's a must.

As for your questions. Would I take her back? As time goes by the chance for that to happen gets smaller and smaller. As of December 31 2015 I closed a few windows and doors on XW. There might be a crack under the garage door but she would have to do so much.

What I feel about her? It's a mixture of emotions. Feeling sorry for her comes and go's, what she is missing in the girls lives is gone. She will not be able to relive because time doesn't stand still. That hurts my heart. Love, because she was my love. I feel like she passed on and I am unable to mourn her death. An emptiness that will take a while to fill.

One emotion about her I haven't felt in a long long while is hate. I don't hate her.No anger towards her at all any more.


Forgive her. I have already. I forgive her for what she did to me. Can I forgive her for what she did to our girls. Answer is NO. I would still have a long way to go for that to happen, and it doesn't look good. She would have to do so much work to rebuild her relationship with them. If by miracle she did that and was a Mom of all moms to them again. I would.

Hi Bttrfly xoxox

Weekend was good, I attended a fund raiser for autistic children. Food was great and I had a lot of my family from my dads side there so it was good seeing them all. Sunday was clean the yard day. Lots of leaves to pick up. Spent some time with the girls. They weren't so eager to go outside to do work. lol
When I mentioned Starbucks however ... they couldn't get in the car fast enough.

XW went quiet on the weekend. I guess she doesn't want to secretly text another man and disrespect him. Good to see her values coming back. lol

I did however get one today.
- All about her losing all our friends,
- Having to create a new life because everyone just hates her.
- That her kids abandoned her (I guess she doesn't remember telling them she doesn't want to be their mom).
- That people around her don't care that she is changing and what becomes of her.
- That she feels dead inside and she has no choice to go into survival mode to save herself.

Then last sentence. Out of no where writes " So, D16 did she chose what she wants to study in college?"

All I replied was a question. So you think the girls abandoned you. You left them and not once ask me how they were during this last year and 3 months. Why is that?

Her reply: you probably wouldn't have answered me.I'm tired, have a good day.

I think she will be quiet for a few weeks. Until Xmas gets close. The full moon was tonight I also think that had a lot to do with last weeks texts. Liquids in the brain and the tide changes from a full moon can even make sane people lose it, imagine what it does to MLC'ers


Wishing you all a good week.
Irish

[bttrfly]

As for your questions. Would I take her back? As time goes by the chance for that to happen gets smaller and smaller. As of December 31 2015 I closed a few windows and doors on XW. There might be a crack under the garage door but she would have to do so much.

I know exactly what you mean. I cannot imagine going back or taking him back. So much would have to change. I would absolutely not tolerate what I did before.

What I feel about her? It's a mixture of emotions. Feeling sorry for her comes and go's, what she is missing in the girls lives is gone. She will not be able to relive because time doesn't stand still. That hurts my heart. Love, because she was my love. I feel like she passed on and I am unable to mourn her death. An emptiness that will take a while to fill.

Honey have you thought about having a memorial service for her? I know that sounds maybe odd, but doing so helped me tremendously. I was truly able to let go of the man I married and look at him now as almost a different person, no less dear - just different.

One emotion about her I haven't felt in a long long while is hate. I don't hate her.No anger towards her at all any more.

Good. I think those who stay stuck in that phase of the process are in some odd way keeping the relationship tied to them, but through negativity rather than love. Damaging stuff. Hasn't enough damage been done already? Glad you aren't stuck and are healing.

Forgive her. I have already. I forgive her for what she did to me. Can I forgive her for what she did to our girls. Answer is NO. I would still have a long way to go for that to happen, and it doesn't look good. She would have to do so much work to rebuild her relationship with them. If by miracle she did that and was a Mom of all moms to them again. I would.

BINGO: This is my sticking point also, and I will be very honest with you, this is something I sometimes agonize over. I so want to forgive him for what he's done to our son and my elderly parents, and his own mom and step dad, but mostly my son. He deserved so much more from us both.. I know I need to forgive my stbxh for my own sake, because I don't want to be tied to him through a lack of forgiveness. I just keep working on it.

sounds like you had a good weekend tho Irish. Yeah, son blew off chore day here too. That's ok once in a while. Hope you also have a good week... the next few days will be full moon fall out, so brace yourself Bridgit, lol xoxoxoxo

[BrightFuture]

Hi Irish, I’ve been reading about this latest texting development and thinking WOW! It looks like she is really spinning. There must be either an increasing unhappiness, despite her assuring everyone and herself that she is happy, or there is some kind of a breakthrough. Her emotions are all over the place, but she still holds tight into her innocent victim image. At least she shows some interest about the girls, and it is a good sign, I think.

You are doing great, especially by not getting on this rollercoaster. The holidays could be an ultimate test to your patience. I think it could get worse, with her spinning… I’m sure you can handle it, Irish! You are the rock!

[Lana_71]

Hi Irish
Woaaa your are a great person and I am sure she started to realize...I guess it is not greener on the other side... I like your answer to her saying I am sorry you felt that way as it has no blame and it makes them think of their distorted world. I am happy you found a place in urself to forgive her for you. An advice I was once given was consider him a sick man lashing out in a hospital bed would you lash back. You girls have gone through a lot hope they will forget some of these incidents and restore some kind of relationship. I found that if I answer my h with any answer that have accusatory connetation he will go back to tunnel so my best strategy is answer him like a neighbour civilized and short but giving info . she knows what she has done and would love to forget it ..not the best strategy but that is how you get think..show her you moved on by just being better and living a full life with your girls and new friend ...be mysterious and don't satisfy her curiousity .. let her think be vague ... enjoy this time for every move you make is being watched and analyzed and you don't need to provide explanation to any ....have a great day...