When my EX-WW found out the kids were home for a few hours before xmas, and I was on a date, she went ballistic with a tirade of texts. I have her on permanent mute, thank God. But the date went splendidly, kisses were exchanged, and then when I get back to the car - BLAMO! She's shaming me, telling me I'm a bad dad, and she's taking me back to court for child neglect.
It was all her being angry that I had moved on. She realized her plan B was no more. This was 6 months AFTER the divorce!
coffee, take things slow with the GF. REALLY slow. Coming form someone who kept telling myself the same, but I was really running downhill, picking up speed faster than I could cover on the ground. You don't know you're going too fast until you're on your keister flip-flopping your way down the hill, like one of those naster super-G falls at the top of the slope, and you keep sliding, sliding, sliding...
Well, my .02. And it's worth what you paid for it.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Did your ex know about the new GF? it's a pretty new R right? I am pretty sure it doesn't have to do with the movie. It has to do with your new GF.
I was thinking along these lines, too. I'm sorry if I missed this, are you fully divorced yet?
Yes I am fully divorced.
M 21 years XW 43yo, me 41 yo S13 BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient... End of June - I started the D process. D final 2/23/17 "He who forgets will be destined to remember" Eddie Vedder
When my EX-WW found out the kids were home for a few hours before xmas, and I was on a date, she went ballistic with a tirade of texts. I have her on permanent mute, thank God. But the date went splendidly, kisses were exchanged, and then when I get back to the car - BLAMO! She's shaming me, telling me I'm a bad dad, and she's taking me back to court for child neglect.
It was all her being angry that I had moved on. She realized her plan B was no more. This was 6 months AFTER the divorce!
coffee, take things slow with the GF. REALLY slow. Coming form someone who kept telling myself the same, but I was really running downhill, picking up speed faster than I could cover on the ground. You don't know you're going too fast until you're on your keister flip-flopping your way down the hill, like one of those naster super-G falls at the top of the slope, and you keep sliding, sliding, sliding...
Well, my .02. And it's worth what you paid for it.
Thank you for the advice. I understand the feeling of flopping down the hill because I was moving too fast. The relationship with the GF moved fast at first, to the point of being exclusive. Now I am quite involved, but it is a long distance relationship which helps keep it at an even keel. I have no plans on relocation and neither does she. For now we are just enjoying each others company. I have no intention to marry again any time soon and will take it very slow in that reguard. I figure a year of dating is long enough to know if two people are compatible. The Ex and I knew each other 4 months before we married, although it lasted 21 years it ended in tragedy. Had I spent some time with her, getting to know her family, background, and values I would have maybe realized that we where incompatible.
M 21 years XW 43yo, me 41 yo S13 BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient... End of June - I started the D process. D final 2/23/17 "He who forgets will be destined to remember" Eddie Vedder
I figure a year of dating is long enough to know if two people are compatible. The Ex and I knew each other 4 months before we married, although it lasted 21 years it ended in tragedy. Had I spent some time with her, getting to know her family, background, and values I would have maybe realized that we where incompatible.
We were together almost a year before we got married. However, in that time and up until the divorce she hid many, many things from me - as in her abuse, etc. In many, no make that almost every way, we were compatible. I just never knew what she had gone through and how much it affected her perception of things. Sometimes they keep things hidden in the hopes that one never finds out, for whatever reason - which can often lead to failed marriages.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Well these days are far and few between now. But getting hit with an emotional low on this roller coaster. Just thoughts of the past and an overwhelming urge to have my past back. I can fight it off for a bit by remembering all the horrible things she did to me within the last year. But the feelings of wanting her back as (I thought it) was keep creeping in. Being a single dad, and not sharing the household duties with someone is taking its toll on me today. Very busy at work and the home stuff is on the back burner, its overwhelming at best. I remember once I was making dinner but had some questions, she reacted with "I just don't need this in my life right now" I was trying to help and she dismissed me as a pain in her a$$. She was downright mean to me, and admitted it towards the end.
M 21 years XW 43yo, me 41 yo S13 BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient... End of June - I started the D process. D final 2/23/17 "He who forgets will be destined to remember" Eddie Vedder
I totally understand. When I was married my XW was a SAHM, so she did the majority of the cooking, laundry, bill paying, and miscellaneous things like changing lightbulbs and getting tabs put on cars. I just had to crush it at work.
The problem is that splitting into two households creates a lot of redundancies both in work and in finances.
Financially there are two households to pay for, two electric bills, garbage bills, phone bills, internet bills, and surprisingly groceries seem to cost more individually as well.
Work wise there are two sets of lawns to mow, twice the number of bills to be paid, light bulbs to change, bathrooms to clean, etc.
Essentially you are working full time and running the house and parenting all at once. It's taking what used to be two jobs and requiring you to do both of them. There's a reason people used to stay married.
I got reprieve. My mother moved in with me and has helped me tremendously with the kids and with cooking and dishes. She helps with the kids laundry even. It has given me the chance to focus on my work in a time when I am really behind the 8 ball.
Without that luxury I don't know what to recommend. I was really exhausted for the first two years on my own. I just got through one day at a time, because I had to. I still feel that way with what's on my plate, but it has gotten a bit more manageable for me. Maybe you'll catch a lucky break at some point and it will get easier.
The only thing you can do for now is to really rest up when you have a break. When your son is with mom and you have a weekend to yourself, get some good recovery in. I have every other Saturday for myself. I try to make it count. For me it's playing pool. I even toyed with the idea of starting to smoke pot, it seemed like a potentially beneficial idea for every other Saturday. But then I figured I don't need to flirt with anything right now that could cause problems.
Also, I try to get a lot of sleep at night. I've been getting 8-9 hours. I need it. I'm sleeping more than I ever have. It's the only way I can get through.
So lots of sleep and lots of self care during your little breaks.
And most of all, suffer through because you have to, and feel free to vent away. We get it.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I totally understand. When I was married my XW was a SAHM, so she did the majority of the cooking, laundry, bill paying, and miscellaneous things like changing lightbulbs and getting tabs put on cars. I just had to crush it at work.
The problem is that splitting into two households creates a lot of redundancies both in work and in finances.
Financially there are two households to pay for, two electric bills, garbage bills, phone bills, internet bills, and surprisingly groceries seem to cost more individually as well.
Work wise there are two sets of lawns to mow, twice the number of bills to be paid, light bulbs to change, bathrooms to clean, etc.
Essentially you are working full time and running the house and parenting all at once. It's taking what used to be two jobs and requiring you to do both of them. There's a reason people used to stay married.
I got reprieve. My mother moved in with me and has helped me tremendously with the kids and with cooking and dishes. She helps with the kids laundry even. It has given me the chance to focus on my work in a time when I am really behind the 8 ball.
Without that luxury I don't know what to recommend. I was really exhausted for the first two years on my own. I just got through one day at a time, because I had to. I still feel that way with what's on my plate, but it has gotten a bit more manageable for me. Maybe you'll catch a lucky break at some point and it will get easier.
The only thing you can do for now is to really rest up when you have a break. When your son is with mom and you have a weekend to yourself, get some good recovery in. I have every other Saturday for myself. I try to make it count. For me it's playing pool. I even toyed with the idea of starting to smoke pot, it seemed like a potentially beneficial idea for every other Saturday. But then I figured I don't need to flirt with anything right now that could cause problems.
Also, I try to get a lot of sleep at night. I've been getting 8-9 hours. I need it. I'm sleeping more than I ever have. It's the only way I can get through.
So lots of sleep and lots of self care during your little breaks.
And most of all, suffer through because you have to, and feel free to vent away. We get it.
Thank you Zuess, I really value your response. You have helped me through some of the most darkest of times this past year. You helped open my eyes as to the size and complexity of my situation. Yes I am trying to get lots of rest and to do things for myself when S14 is with his mother. I still get pretty worked up when I have to see her...she brings some pretty huge feelings of anxiety. If it weren't for my S14 I would skip this town so fast it would make the wind blow! I have to buck up for him, just a few more years. Who knows, by then I am sure I will be in a different place mentally, but I still think that it will be hard to erase 21 years in just a few months. I miss her even though i cant stand her if that makes sense. I had a dream about her last night. I came home for lunch and she had made me some food. I was so touched I broke down crying because for the first time in forever she made a gesture to show me she loved me. Well just a dream.
I sleep well when I work out, I am trying to hit the gym or do a vigorous activity 4 times a week. I went snowboarding two Sundays in a row with my S14. We had a blast! I still got it
M 21 years XW 43yo, me 41 yo S13 BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient... End of June - I started the D process. D final 2/23/17 "He who forgets will be destined to remember" Eddie Vedder
I totally understand. When I was married my XW was a SAHM, so she did the majority of the cooking, laundry, bill paying, and miscellaneous things like changing lightbulbs and getting tabs put on cars. I just had to crush it at work.
The problem is that splitting into two households creates a lot of redundancies both in work and in finances.
Financially there are two households to pay for, two electric bills, garbage bills, phone bills, internet bills, and surprisingly groceries seem to cost more individually as well.
Work wise there are two sets of lawns to mow, twice the number of bills to be paid, light bulbs to change, bathrooms to clean, etc.
Essentially you are working full time and running the house and parenting all at once. It's taking what used to be two jobs and requiring you to do both of them. There's a reason people used to stay married.
I got reprieve. My mother moved in with me and has helped me tremendously with the kids and with cooking and dishes. She helps with the kids laundry even. It has given me the chance to focus on my work in a time when I am really behind the 8 ball.
Without that luxury I don't know what to recommend. I was really exhausted for the first two years on my own. I just got through one day at a time, because I had to. I still feel that way with what's on my plate, but it has gotten a bit more manageable for me. Maybe you'll catch a lucky break at some point and it will get easier.
The only thing you can do for now is to really rest up when you have a break. When your son is with mom and you have a weekend to yourself, get some good recovery in. I have every other Saturday for myself. I try to make it count. For me it's playing pool. I even toyed with the idea of starting to smoke pot, it seemed like a potentially beneficial idea for every other Saturday. But then I figured I don't need to flirt with anything right now that could cause problems.
Also, I try to get a lot of sleep at night. I've been getting 8-9 hours. I need it. I'm sleeping more than I ever have. It's the only way I can get through.
So lots of sleep and lots of self care during your little breaks.
And most of all, suffer through because you have to, and feel free to vent away. We get it.
Thank you Zuess, I really value your response. You have helped me through some of the most darkest of times this past year. You helped open my eyes as to the size and complexity of my situation. Yes I am trying to get lots of rest and to do things for myself when S14 is with his mother. I still get pretty worked up when I have to see her...she brings some pretty huge feelings of anxiety. If it weren't for my S14 I would skip this town so fast it would make the wind blow! I have to buck up for him, just a few more years. Who knows, by then I am sure I will be in a different place mentally, but I still think that it will be hard to erase 21 years in just a few months. I miss her even though i cant stand her if that makes sense. I had a dream about her last night. I came home for lunch and she had made me some food. I was so touched I broke down crying because for the first time in forever she made a gesture to show me she loved me. Well just a dream.
I sleep well when I work out, I am trying to hit the gym or do a vigorous activity 4 times a week. I went snowboarding two Sundays in a row with my S14. We had a blast! I still got it
Impressive!
Yeah, it's only four years, but by then you will have adapted and be over XW. You'll get reprieve the minute you no longer need it. Fan-blanking-tastic.
Oh well, at least you can assure yourself it's not forever. I played pool with my best friend on Saturday, he told me he lights a candle for me for every day I can't play because I play so artistically it would be like if the most beautiful song in the world was never heard by anyone. I told him that my D6 turns 18 on 11/03/2029, and then I was selling everything I owned, quitting my job, and just playing pool on the road. I told him I put it on my calendar for 11/04/2029 and that I'd allow my daughter through the end of her birthday to secure alternative lodgings
As for your feelings about XW, yeah, I get it. People that haven't been divorced think that it's like grieving a big loss. It isn't. It's more like grieving a few hundred little losses, because it impacts you in so many strange ways you wouldn't realize. It's like instead of Hanukkah we celebrate Divorcukkah and each day you get a new package with a different card that tells you another way you will now hurt forever, and the holiday goes on for like 761 days. Funny this never caught on as a mainstream holiday. I think it has potential. But trust us, it does get easier. I'm closing in on 1,000 days and I've almost normalized the nightmarish world we're in to the point that I don't notice it anymore. It's like zombie apocalypse, but I found out that some of those zombies are fun to hang out with, and brains taste a lot like chicken.
Peace C!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Just a quick check in. The divorce is final as of Feb 23 the day after my birthday, which can be good and bad. The final day was a bit anti climactic, I have been separated and out of the house in total for almost a year. On the 23rd I stopped into court, was swarn in answered a bunch of questions and the judge stamped the paper making it law. I find it interesting that it is more difficult to divorce than get married, perhaps it there should be just as much hoops to jumpo through so it makes us really think about it.
I have been doing really well, but have recently had a backslide of emotions. She continues to treat me like dirt, but pretend that she is the nicest person in the world. I have lost my house, my life as I knew it, dogs, friends, lifestyle...everything. And she could care less, making it my fault because I filed. She has decided to file taxes married but separate which will likely make it so I will have to pay a good amount, I have no down payment on a house, live in an apartment. One of my favorite past times was to chilax in the shop, I have had a shop for 20 years...no shop now. This was an activity that my son and I enjoyed so now that he is with me 50% of the time, when the weather is bad he is super bored. I know its not my job to entertain him but I like him to be comfortable. The one year 'anniversaries" of events are starting to roll in, today is one of them. A year ago today I was happily married, visiting my wife at her work function enjoying each others company. Today was the day she was caught in a big lie...and it really just slid downhill from there, quickly. I have to deal with these emotions on my own, I have a girlfriend that I really enjoy being around, we are in constant contact and it is quite nice. However I don't want to subject her to my past baggage so I just hold it all in. I get 4 free counseling apointments a year, I think today I will make an apointment, it cant hurt I guess.
M 21 years XW 43yo, me 41 yo S13 BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient... End of June - I started the D process. D final 2/23/17 "He who forgets will be destined to remember" Eddie Vedder
I guess I should start a new thread titiled "It happened"
M 21 years XW 43yo, me 41 yo S13 BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient... End of June - I started the D process. D final 2/23/17 "He who forgets will be destined to remember" Eddie Vedder
