There's an infuriating zen quality to it -- reach for it, and you can't grab it; don't seek it, and it will one day be there, like a protective piece of emotional armor you don't remember putting on.
Actually, the illusion of the zen-like quality is due to being attached. Once you're truly detached, you wonder why you ever put up with so much crap.
Re her missing me, this is something that she has told me, and I was referencing. The rest though, point taken.
Up until today, I had been detaching and going somewhat dark, but I'm struggling to know what to do as this doesn't seem to be having any effect (that I can see).
I've noted that she is missing the times that we would have had and that my GAL appears to be working - thought please guys...
I would have limited my response to "I don't think that of you. I believe you when you say it is hard."
And then nothing else.
Detachment is primarily for your own emotional health. It also happens to give your marriage the best shot, but here is no guarantee that detaching and GAL will bring your spouse back.
Something that I struggle with in all of my communication is the concept that we should only be putting in 80% of what they are. Your messages are SO MUCH longer than hers. Next time, keep it simple, as Rose has offered.
well since then, she's turned even worse. Spite, questioning where I am and so much anger - I wonder where this has come from...
I'd suggested that we needed to talk about the house and then there was just a tirade of abuse. Its gotten to the point where she is bad mouthing my family and said that I must only contact her about our S. I only suggested that we have an adult conversation about our house ffs.
I've had opinions (from friends) that she may be beginning to feel she's made a mistake and that the grass isn't greener and therefore is frustrated. But why give me the abuse when I'm trying to remain amicable (she left me)!!! She's certainly showing a side that I don't want to be with.
M - 36 / W - 32 S - 3 Together - 18 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs Bomb Dropped - 4th Sept 2016 Moved out - 4th Sept 2016
then there was just a tirade of abuse. Its gotten to the point where she is bad mouthing my family and said that I must only contact her about our S. I only suggested that we have an adult conversation about our house ffs.
Why are you going back and forth with her while she is talking to you in this way?
It's a rollercoaster man. This is all expected. It will happen again along with periods of her seeming happy.
That's why detaching is so important. Btw, her asking you where you are is a sign it's working.
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
I'm just surprised by the sudden turn from her. She's become erratic, unreasonable and vicious (I understand that she's not going to be all flowers and smiles), but this is just unbelievable.
We're talking about money (which can be earned every day of the week). The memory of an 18 year relationship being broken by such a trivial thing.
Is this sudden change in attitude normal, is there any reason behind this behavior?
Thanks for the comments J. I'm so sure she really cares where I am, just wanted to use it against me (stating I wasn't available for my S).
M - 36 / W - 32 S - 3 Together - 18 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs Bomb Dropped - 4th Sept 2016 Moved out - 4th Sept 2016
So had a 40 minute ear bashing from the W today. She is still so angry with me over the controlling ways in which I've behaved.
Pointing the finger at me for everything that caused the breakdown of the M (I get that its easier to blame me than to look at herself), but we're 10 weeks on.
Should there still be so much anger here - why does she care at this point she's left and is in the situation that she chose.
What am I missing?
M - 36 / W - 32 S - 3 Together - 18 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs Bomb Dropped - 4th Sept 2016 Moved out - 4th Sept 2016
Should there still be so much anger here - why does she care at this point she's left and is in the situation that she chose.
What am I missing?
RGB80,
You're not missing anything. Clearly, you're the evilest, worstest son of a gun to ever walk the planet.
When the spew begins, just take a step back (figuratively) and validate. After a few minutes of spewing, signal to her that you need a few seconds to interject. Then, stick out your index finger and ask her to pull your finger. With any luck, she'll stomp off while still fuming, but you won't have to listen to it.
So why are you allowing this kind of behavior? If there was a 40 minute conversation where you were feeling attacked or put down then say you arent interested in having the discussion anymore while you are being treated like that and leave.
