Quick rundown of my situation: - M11, T13 w/ a D9 - BD on 5/31/16 - Find out about EA with OM on 6/22/16. Had been ongoing since 5/13/16 - Confront W on 6/30/16 about her plans to visit OM over 4th of July weekend - W goes anyway on 7/3/16 for PA and I leave MBR that night - W comes back and we have talk on 7/7 about Ls - W retains L early August - I have met with 2 Ls so far and another in 2 days - "Family" beach trip for a week Aug 6, multiple MR talks - W leaves for an anniversary party for friends. Turns out it's for another PA with OM at the same lake - confront W on it and she lies, lies, lies. I move back into Mbr - W begins doing and saying odd things after blowup. Mentions possibility of cancer and writes a long letter blaming me for all our issues - W and I sit down and chat custody of D. A lot of spew and W wants to push ahead with Ls - 2 days later W offers to go to see MC, retracts offer, then re-offers. At the same time, W begins a campaign to get me to leave the house, leveraging my R w/ my D to drive it - I've retained an L and am willing to do MC with W, but am not expecting much to come from it - W uses MC session to re-iterate she does not want to reconcile. W pushes me to continue MC, but I refuse. I tell her we need a co-parenting counselor, not a MC. - W begins in earnest to get financial details for her S agreement from me. I provide, but reiterate that I do not believe divorce is the answer to our problems. - My Ls begin work on a S agreement, not bc I want to S but bc I want to have my view on paper when W provides me her agreement. - I find a co-parenting counselor through my L, and I visit individually with her. W delays setting up her individual appointment. - W initiates a couple R conversations in which I reiterate that divorce is not the answer to our problems and I am unwilling to accept anything less than 50/50 custody of my D. I'm willing to take full custody, but I'll work with her around 50/50 if that's what she wants. - Ws Ls deliver S agreement to my Ls. One day later W has a confrontational conversation with me in which she asks me to cancel the co-parenting session and re-initiate MC.
I've made substantial progress in moving away from allowing W to control my emotions and actions. I don't feel the same way for my W that I used to. Still working on controlling my reactions to her "outbursts" and controlling mentality, but I'm finding solace in being emotionally balanced and consistent with my message when discussing S and D with her. I am no longer her punching bag and doormat, though I have to be constantly on my guard for slip ups. Very tiring, but somewhat smoother sailing because of it.
For me though, with the help of a multitude of folks on here, I'm being extremely successful at fortifying my relationship with D9 to be stronger. I'm also making strides at re-tooling myself to be more like the man I was pre M. Standing up for myself and D in the face of some controlling behavior from W and refusing to be a doormat.
Working on GAL and some 180s but all for the sake of D and me. W can hop off her crazy train and join us, but she has a ton of work to do on herself before I would allow her back in. I'm unwilling to accept things as they were in the past anymore. The only path forward for W and I involves a lot of work and I'm not convinced she'll ever come to that realization. She needs to address her anxiety issues just as I've addressed my short-comings in the M.
In an awesome place with my D9. She is my peace and I find so much excitement watching her grow and blossom into an amazing person. I'm finding joy in being a father that I'd never tapped into before and I'm loving every minute of it!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Moving this over here as it's the latest from Sunday...
Quote:
Well, the oddness continues. W has started her loop of going to bed at 3-4am again. Started on Monday evening last week. She had been fairly consistent at going to bed at 12 before that. Wakes me up when she gets in bed, so leads to less sleep for me.
W gets mad fri evening bc she says I'm distracting my D from her bedtime routine. I always joke with D while she brushes her teeth but W felt the need to latch onto it on Friday. W tells me I need to stop aleways distracting D. I tell her I don't believe it's an issue and it's not too dissimilar to how her and D joke around at bed. Later I tuck in D and get ready for bed and I've got an apologetic text from W where she says she's sorry and asks if I can just try not to distract her too much.
Didn't get too much sleep Friday evening as the S agreement was swirling in my brain and W hopping in bed at 3 woke me up when I did get to sleep. D and I got to the museum for 4 hours and have a blast. Come home and W takes D to a bday party. I go run and then sit down to watch my college team play. I turn on most of the lights and open the blinds. (W doesn't like it when all the lights are on for some reason, but it makes it less clautrophobic). An hour later W and D come home. W immediately comes into the family room and shuts the blinds pointedly. I ask her why she shut the blinds. She says it's getting dark and everyone in the neighborhood can see into our house (they face our backyard so unsure how that works) and I shouldn't care. Then she heads upstairs. I open the blinds again (seems so stupid, but necessary) and tell her when she comes back down that I've opened them bc it makes things less claustrophobic and I'll shut them when D and W come into the family room. She slams some stuff around in the kitchen then stomps into the family room.
She tells me that she doesn't feel comfortable with the blinds open and I need to respect that. I tell her I hear her but if she wants to do something like that she needs to ask me first. She tells me I need to stop being so abrasive with her. I need to stop being so ridiculous and stop being such an ahole. I am fighting her on everything and am going out of my way to disagree about everything. I'm making all of this more difficult.
W then asks me if I want to stay in this situation or not. She says if I do and we are going to live together for years then I need to be nicer to her. I tell her I hear what's she's saying but I don't understand what she means. She asks, are you effing stupid. She says do you want to stay married or get divorced. I tell her I still do not want to divorce but but we can't live in a marriage that is e way it is now. She then says "you've won. I'm stuck. I get how much this will hurt our D. Call the co-parenting counselor and cancel it. Call up the previous MC and setup an appointment." I tell her no one has won in this situation. She says our D has won. She asks again if I want to stay married or divorced. I tell her the same back. She asks me to think about it and come back with an answer.
She then repeats how uncomfortable the blinds being open makes her. She says I need to respect that. I tell her I hear how it makes her uncomfortable but I need her to ask me before doing stuff that affects me like that going forward. She then makes a big show of asking if it's ok to close the blinds, I say yes and thank you for asking and she stomps off.
No real interaction with W since that. D and I went out hiking and Pokémon hunting all morning today and W has taken D and friends to a movie.
So.....horribly confused at the moment. Debating how to approach this. Got the S agreement from her last Friday. Now she has this "martyr" mentality and still harbors a lot of the same anger and resentment, so far as I can tell. She hasn't gotten any help on her anxiety issues. Additionally, I saw on our browser history that she'd gotten notification in her email of a message from OM (not sure what medium they used and don't really care) on 10/14 after she told me she would not speak/visit him while we were still married late August.
I believe this is her waffling like in late August and would not be surprised for her to flip the other way shortly. I'm not willing to pursue being M to her unless she gets her anxiety straightened out. She may be realizing how hard it is to find a job that fits with her view of time with D and cash flow needed. Maybe she's stalling. That's currently where my brain is but I'm tired of playing these games. I do feel myself warming up to her after that though. Think that's ok, so long as I don't let her run me over. I just don't see this as being anything sincere.
Well, enough rambling. Parent teacher conference with W tomorrow morning. Means I can get up and hang out with my D before school. Look fwd to that.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
FG, yeah, I'm not sure what's going on in her head. I can spin it in my brain 100 different ways, but to do that at this point is an exercise in futility. I see my IC first thing Wed am and am going to pick his brain then. Co-parenting counselor called me today to schedule our first joint session and I may pick her brain tomorrow too. I like the idea of finding a neutral place to talk, but want to get some feedback on it before pursuing. I'm expecting the flip flop to reappear at any moment now.
Hawk, the parent/teacher conference could not have been better. Teacher was highly complimentary of D and she previewed her report card which is going to be straight As. Even in this mayhem, my D is doing well in school. Makes me very happy! W does get a decent amount of credit too, as she really does care about my D and, outside of what I view to be her issues, she is a good mom who does a good job prepping D for school.
W wanted to drive separately bc I was going to head to work, but I know she would have balked had I said we should ride together. Did not force that issue. W did wait for me in the parking lot and we walked in together. First time in months my W and I have been alone with just the two of us. I made some small talk, but was greeted with short/terse answers. Not unexpected. We were a good team w/ the teacher which was good. Walked out together and had similar small talk exchanges on the way out. Tiring, but again none of the above was unexpected.
Surfer, yeah, I'm trying to take the approach of being neutral in my interactions with her. If I need to be firm then I am firm, but I don't let it stay with me as I have in the past. Having more control over my own emotions is helping me a lot as of late I think. I have read 5 LLs and found it very interesting to try to dissect where W falls. I'd of told you it was acts of service 6 months ago, but the more I learn about things I think quality time may be equally up there. I've firmed up the service part by being consistent in doing what I believe needs to be done around the house. The quality time part has been impossible for me to make headway with though.
With that said, there's another book by gman about trust that's helped me immensely, in addition to DR. I deal with probabilities and behavioural finance on a daily basis, so his stuff really makes sense to me. That has helped massively recently to better understand chunks of this.
D having a sleepover tonight (schools are out for the election tomorrow). I'll vote first thing in the am then will take a couple hours off work so W can go vote. It'll be a long night tomorrow as I need to work all evening. Meet with my IC Wed first thing and am looking forward to that. Informed my Ls today of my Ws comments this weekend.
Never a dull moment here. I absolutely appreciate everyone's thoughts and support!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
That is awesome your D is doing so well, especially during the chaos you all are going through! It also sounds like you are doing great! You are doing alot better with being firm and having control with your emotions!! Hang in there!!! Hope all goes well with your IC and counselor!
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
In an awesome place with my D9. She is my peace and I find so much excitement watching her grow and blossom into an amazing person. I'm finding joy in being a father that I'd never tapped into before and I'm loving every minute of it!
It0402, I was told by W tonight that I am doing such a great job as a father and that I was inspiring. My response is not important, I do not seek to usurp your sitch. I know you have had your issues with your D and your W. It seems clear to me that your love for your d cannot be overstated. I have an s, no idea what it is like to have a d. But a kid, we both have, and someone needs to be the light, I believe it is you in her life. She will be an 'amazing person' and you will be too. Keep shining friend.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
Sorry if I'm forgetting but does your W have a long history of high levels of anxiety, anger, and insecurity? What about sensitivity to bright lights, or some level of paranoia? I ask because if she has these mental health issues that long predate your marital problems in the last couple of years, there is only so much you can achieve through DB.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Yes and don't forget with the sensitivity to bright lights it may mean she is a Mogwai. The thing with her staying up after midnight - lock the food cupboards!
Sorry it was just the bright lights thing. Not heard that before. Normal services resume.....
On a serious note I often wonder if my W has borderline or other mental issues. I am sure there is a foot in depression at times. I have an interesting anecdote on this. Someone I know did suffer from D. She claimed my W was D - typical behaviours. No matter how many times I raised or tried to help my W with this she denied D. My D friend was appalled at my W's EA. she would never do this. She did but actually had a PA and left her H to move in with her AP. Sad thing is this friend was my brothers W. She is gone and he quickly moved into a new R but he was devastated. He is getting there though. Very proud of him. Anyway I digress.
Continuing with the these above its often futile to try to understand their motivation as such. But you can't help but try at times.
I also wonder whether W behaviours boil down to our R history. I do feel that a lot of her behaviour perhaps springs from unrealistic expectations. I noticed this in the 5LL book. My W's father expresses love through acts of service he does everything for his W. TBH she comes across as lazy at times as he does so much but I guess that is because my mothers LL is acts of service. I think my W unreasonably expected me to do all these things whilst working 10-12 hours a day - FIL rarely worked......I am sure there is some foundation to this, it won't be the only thing but it will part of it.
I don't know what W's is I think it may be Acts of Service/Words of Affirmation/QT. I am experimenting on these at the M. Sadly like you though I am still getting some disrespect during her 'flips'. Other times totally nice. So it's hard to know if I should be following What I feel is Sandi's firm stance or try a few acts of service to see what happens.
What was the Gman book LT? Just started to read some of his stuff.
You are doing great. Keep it up. D's results are amazing. BTW when we went to parent teacher event together I was amazed at how well we interacted. Part of this is them wanting to look like a they are totally together in front of a teacher I think. Can't let the teacher see them flip out etc. She once flipped near school she apologised to a teacher in case they saw. They hadn't. She didn't feel the need to apologise to the other passers by who did, or to me or the kids who were mortified.
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
Yes and don't forget with the sensitivity to bright lights it may mean she is a Mogwai. The thing with her staying up after midnight - lock the food cupboards!
HA! Did not expect that this morning. Funny.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
Great news re your D's academic progress. You have every right to feel proud. You are providing a calming presence in your home that stands unfortunately in contrast to how your W is behaving, and you're role modeling all sorts of positive traits for your D, which is what it is all about.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
