I will tell you this - you would be wise to file now. You can let the case dawdle for a LONG time in court, but you will have a point in time protection against her continuing to incur debt.
I haven't read all of your threads, but if you DO file, be prepared to be called every name in the book and the person who "ruined" your marriage.
Sandy, I didn't necessarily stop posting, but I had an emotional couple of weeks after Thanksgiving and my son's, my stbxw, and my birthdays all within a 3 week period. It all added up and by my birthday I was in a bad place as far as she is concerned, so I cancelled my planned birthday lunch with my in-laws and stopped all communication with anyone having to do with my ww, and stopped coming here to just get away from all things having to do with my sitch.
By Christmas I was back in a good place, and thoroughly enjoyed Christmas with my Family (we did an all day pajama party at my moms house), and although I didn't do anything for New Years, that was just a decision I made because I didn't want to. I've been hanging out with friends, doing a lot of fishing, and I bought myself a very nice drone for Christmas and have been playing around with that a lot.
Not much going on with WW, still no communication from her and I'm not communicating with her (except I did have two nights were I layed into her again, I know not a good idea but I was sharing my bad place with her). I want to file for divorce, but everytime I sit down to continue filling out the paperwork, I get fed up with having to get all the accounts information, balances, etc. and I just put it down to do later.
We see each other at work, not much, but when we do we both just ignore the other (like at the Christmas party). That's pretty easy for me since I have a lot of friends at work, so I just keep my focus on them, although every now and then I will see her walk by and it does have a small impact on me, but nothing much more than what you would feel if you saw an old friend walk by.
I've been lacking in the gym, so I made my way back there yesterday, gonna try and do 45 minutes every day until I get back in the swing of things and then I'll change to a longer less frequent work out, but right now I just want to get in the habit of going there.
As for me, I'm still looking to move up north, I finally had an interview today for a position that I applied for in August, interview went well so I'm pretty hopeful, and that would put me in NC in February. It's not the ideal location for me, its further from the mountains than I wanted to go, but it's a good position for me, so I may settle for now and look to move closer in a year or so. The plus side is that the drive back home would be 3 hours less than where I want to move, making coming back for weekends with my son easier.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I am just stopping by and saying hello for now, but i'll be back tonight or tomorrow to provide an update.. I've been doing well, just really busy with new hobbies and haven't spent much time on computers, except at work, and been really busy there too...
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
It's always good to hear from you. Sad.......but good. I still think she will come to her right senses, but too late.
I'm glad you have a good relationship with your SS. Is it difficult to not talk about your W? BTW, does SS know the truth of why the M is on the rocks?
It's understandable that your momentum may change and that you would have to discipline yourself to go to the gym, etc. Do you feel as if you are living in limbo for one? ((Coconut))
Your need to post will probably decline a lot, and maybe you see no point in updating, or commenting on some newcomer's post. If you see it as a painful connection to your past, then do what is best for Coconut. Speaking only for myself, I will miss you very much, should you decide to fade away. Some of the smartest DBers I remember were eventually divorced, and yet it was their shared experiences and knowledge that was so valued by others looking for guidance. So, I hope I will see your posts from time to time.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
hi Sandi2, it is so good to hear from you too, it made me happy to see that you had stopped by to let me know you were thinking about me. I also appreciate you giving me some questions or thoughts, it's always so hard to think about what to post now a days.
I don't think she will ever come to her senses, I truly believe she's so caught up in her own Narcissist tendencies that she doesn't really think of much else. It has been 9 months since the first sign of trouble in our M, and in all that time she has never apologized for what she did, or even started a R conversation (think about that we had a short period where she said she wanted to work on M, then an in house S, then Seperation, then we sold the house, and not once did she ever start a R conversation). Other than 2 or 3 times where someone told me that she was watching our wedding video on our anniversary and crying, or that she posted something about how sad it is to lose someone you love, it doesn't even seem like she's been sad. It seems like there are only two things she cares about now, her looks and the fire department (I'm making this deduction off of very very little info since we don't talk and I don't talk about her to anyone). She continues to lose weight and she was already pretty thin, but I'd guess she's down to about 85 or 90 pounds (from about 125 at bomb drop) and she is constantly showing up at work in new clothes. My son, or someone else, will occasionally make an offhand comment about something she's doing at the fire dept. She does not seem to be home with son much, when I pick him up to do something he often comments that he was home alone.
As far as I am aware, he has not been told the truth as to why our M ended, I know that she once mentioned to him that she had a "friend" at the fire station and I didn't like that, so he's probably figured it out, but he has never asked me and I never came right out and told him. It's his mother, and I don't see a need to put that weight on him, it's not something I would want to know about my mother. When we spend time together it is not difficult to not talk about her. It means nothing to me to mention her, as in "if mom can't take you let me know", or something like that, but we do not discuss her or what she's doing at all. Nothing, nada, zip. it doesn't seem to be difficult for him either, we converse very naturally and generally have a good time just talking about different things, so it doesn't seem like it is difficult for him to get past not talking about her to me.
Momentum changes happen, but that's part of life. I think we all go through periods of high motivation and happiness, and other periods where we are much less motivated and/or happy. There is a definite rush post BD that gets you going, motivates you to do things because you think you can change the world and your sitch if you do everything right, but once you come down from that initial rush, and get past some of the sadness that is bound to follow, things pretty much get back to normal. I brought up getting to the gym in my previous post because I really enjoyed it, nothing to do with the sitch, it just feels good to have a little spring in your step after a visit to the gym, so I wanted to work that back in to my daily life, and am doing pretty good at finding time for exercise.
You ask if I feel like I'm living in limbo... lol, the answer to that is a resounding yes. It's my own fault though, due to my wanting to relocate out of state. I purposely rented the cheapest place I could find, it is a very nice development, but it's a studio apartment and I picked an apartment location that was very easy to move stuff in and out of as opposed to picking a location I would enjoy more (i.e., an apartment near the lake, or pool, or barbecue area). I haven't hung any paintings or pictures because I don't want to have to fix the walls before moving out, etc. I never really settled in to my new place because my plan from the beginning was to move out ASAP. It's now been 3 months, and I'm still living in Limbo, but I just had another good interview so I currently have a good chance at two different jobs, one in TN and one in NC. Hopefully I will get a new position soon so I can start settling in at my new place.
My need to post has disappeared, I don't feel a need to ask for advice, or get opinions on what this or that means, or if I'm making a good decision to do something. I'm living my life based on what I want, and I don't put myself in situations that are questionable. Overall I'm doing well, I have picked up a new hobby with my Drone, doing photography and videography with it is really fun and I get some incredible footage. I've also really gotten back into fishing, and have a group of 5 of us that go out together quite often, 3 of us, including myself just bought one or two man boats, I got a 1 person inflatable that is easy to store and transport, and we take them out in the local lakes and canals. It's a lot of fun, we all have motors for them and when we aren't catching anything it sometimes turns into bumper boats or races.
Updating my own post doesn't bring anything to the surface, but I do find it difficult to read newcomers stories and provide advice, because it does bring some pain/memories up to the surface. I'm far past tears or despair, but when the memories rise to the surface it can make it hard to sleep a full night or get motivated to do things, so I'm still staying away from that for now, but I don't plan on staying away for ever. I come on occasionally and read a few posts and see how it makes me feel, but I look forward to being able to really dig in and hopefully provide some helpful feedback and thoughts in the near future.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
It's good to hear from you! I'm glad you're doing well in spite of the circumstances.
As I was reading your post, I started wondering if drones have been used for fishing (for spotting fish). I googled it, and sure enough, drones are being used for fishing. You could combine two hobbies.
I bought the drone with the idea of spotting fish, but you have to fly pretty low since the camera doesn't have zoom, and it was REALLY expensive, so it doesn't make me happy to fly it 10 feet above water.. So I don't do that.
By the way, I saw one video where the guy ties a lure to the drone itself, caught a pretty big fish and brought it in with the drone.. was pretty cool that the drone was able to bring a fish in that was about 3-4 lbs.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
By the way, I saw one video where the guy ties a lure to the drone itself, caught a pretty big fish and brought it in with the drone.. was pretty cool that the drone was able to bring a fish in that was about 3-4 lbs.
Coconut,
That's awesome! Maybe commercial fishermen will start fishing remotely while drinking coffee at Starbuck's.
Thanks for the update. It makes sense that reading posts in newcomers would refresh some sadness. I don't think this is the most healthy place to visit when you are moving onward in making a new life, simply b/c you can emotionally relate with the pain here.
I hope you will occassionaly drop by to say hello. Take good care of yourself. ((Coconut))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
