And so it continues .........

[LouR]

Another thread down and what an eventful thread it turned out to be!

Old thread: Book of Lou - Chapter 6

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...t=11&page=1

job - thank you for explaining your comment. He is off and running again and I have no intention to be trusting him so quickly again if he comes back my way. I need to get myself back on track and look at myself; what I want for my life, so am taking a step back for a while to gather my thoughts. I think a part of me made myself in to someone that was more appealing to him, I tried too hard to become someone and that someone wasn't really me.

I know its important to GAL but I maybe misunderstood what that actually means and put pressure on myself to become a social butterfly and take part in and do things that I did not necessarily want. Right now I feel I want to remove myself from the world a little, just to have time to me, solitude and calm. I am happy to just work, pay my bills, save a little, occasionally see my friends, walk on the beach and play with my crafts. I don't need or feel the desire to have a buzzing social life, and that isn't to say that feeling won't change, but for now I feel that my trust, my convictions, my opinions and thoughts have been compromised, not only by him, but by myself.

There will be no chasing him, no contact, no chit chats, I can't have him in my life as a friend right now, its too hard. I have re said what I said to him last time " I will always be here for you if you need me, never get to a point in life where you feel you have no one". I feel this leaves the door open for him to contact again ...it will be down to me at the time whether i want it or not.

Time to re group, breathe and get over this break up ....which isn't as bad as the last one, but I am still feeling the sadness and pain from it.

kml - I love your dream board idea and its something I will do when I have my own place and can add too as I think of things.

Gwen - thank you my darling friend. Your words always bring me comfort and knowing I have so much support out there in the world helps me keep breathing.

Just a bit of journalling now -
h has gone off to pick up a roof box to give him extra space to get his stuff in as he bought it up in the caravan. I have told him he has to stay until the caravan is picked up and the money sorted out, its a principal thing, he left me to deal with everything last time and I did it without question or complaint, this time I will be darned if I give him the luxury of driving off in to the sunset without lifting a finger. It does mean I have to live with him, but I am beginning to turn off to him, remaining friendly so that this is the person he leaves, not some blubbering wreck ....oh so appealing lol.

This situation we are all in is crapola

So onwards and forwards with the next thread my friends. What will this one bring I wonder !?

[Coly23]

Hi Lou, I have been reading your sitch from start to present and I'm sorry for the recent turn of events with your H.

It makes me sad to think that he is so blind to the hurt he is causing yet again not only to you but his children. It is evident though that you are not the same person as when H left the first time around. You are starting this journey further down the path with more knowledge and experience than you had before. As the saying goes what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and you sure sound like one strong lady!

[srt]

Hi, I've been reading your thread and had my fingers crossed for you with your recent positive developments. Alas the monster known as MLC has scuppered it.
As has been mentioned it really is so sad that the WAS has not managed to grow and heal in the same way us LBSs have.
Wishing you the best of luck and strength to keep on keeping on - you deserve it!

[bttrfly]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Lou}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

You know I love you, right? You're amazing. In the midst of all this heartbreak, you are clear, strong, unbowed.

I feel quite sorry for your H as his MLC and depression are costing him you and the boys. He will have to live with the consequences he's created. I know you and the boys will be fine, no matter what.

Lou, what happened to that work opportunity with your friend in the UK. Would that be something you'd re-consider?

Better days are ahead my friend, for all of us. xoxoxoxo

[kml]

No, don't go back to the U.K. Your boys need you. Just push to get your thyroid properly treated (read stop the thyroid madness). Find a better job where you are and keep working on your college classes. Meet new people and, when you're ready, date some men! Change your hair color or style, tackle some new ambition. Get back to LIVING! Do what you enjoy but step out of your comfort zone.

[bttrfly]

I mentioned the UK because if I recall correctly Lou stated it was a great opportunity but didn't because of pending reunion / situation with H??? Wondered if it was still an option to consider given current state of things ...

[LouR]

Hi Everyone

As always thank you for your thoughts and support.

Coly & srt - welcome to my sitch and thank you for joining me on my journey. As soon as I have unlimited internet data back I will catch up with your threads and say hi over with you.

bttrfly -

Lou, what happened to that work opportunity with your friend in the UK. Would that be something you'd re-consider

kml is right, I won't be going back to the UK while my boys are in NZ, we need each other, especially now their relationship with their dad is in jeopardy again. If h gets into another relationship he will most likely dump them for her and her kids (as most people around our age have kids) like he did last time and I won't risk my boys being left alone here. The three of us have a really good and solid relationship, they are my priority and I adore them both. They will be hurting and I will be there for them.

kml -

Find a better job where you are and keep working on your college classes. Meet new people and, when you're ready, date some men! Change your hair color or style, tackle some new ambition. Get back to LIVING! Do what you enjoy but step out of your comfort zone.

I am looking for a better job, one that fulfills me and challenges me a bit more. I would also like one that is a day job so that I can find the best work/life balance for me. Unfortunately beggars can't be choosers and I am not in a position for waiting indefinitely for the perfect job, so I may have to reside myself to taking another supermarket position with crappy hours just to get the money coming back in. Reality of this crappy situation. As for changing things up - changing my look is a difficult one as I have alopecia (yes I have looked into it, many times) so I wear scarves and hats, its my look, tis what it tis and I have to get on with it. (this is also an area I have problems with, with jobs and meeting people - including other men - peoples first impression is generally by look and I don't look the "norm" so get judged by it) you can say otherwise, but experience has shown me that people are shallow and judge a book by its cover - sad but true.

As for taking myself out of my comfort zone, I want to just stop and stand for a while, this has really taken a toll on me. Rejection hurts, I am questioning my judgement on how he sucked me back in to his life so easily, I am finding trusting a person = pain and rejection so I need to work on letting that thought go. I know I did nothing wrong, this is him and not me, but I am human and I do feel it.

So h is still here, its very weird to be a part of all this again. He did not contact our caravan buyer so as far as I know its not being picked up this weekend, which means another week for h being here. I have not said anything, did not remind him to contact, he is the one that wants to leave so he must be the one to tie up loose ends first. He can't go without it selling as he needs the money. He still acts as before, attentive, funny and chatty, but also has times of being withdrawn and wanting his own company, so much recognizable from BD1 time.

It amuses me that he thinks what he is saying is true - for instance, he now recalls our marriage and sex life to have been "going through the motions for the last year or so of it" and I laugh, inwardly saying to myself "ok, so if it was so bad and you felt nothing for me, why are you here?, why did you come back? why up to only a few weeks ago were you saying to me "you are my one, you are forever, I love you and can't imagine my life without you in it"? " Utter hogwash, he has rewritten history to suit his justification of why he has to leave again. Crazy man .......

It really is like he is trying to spend as much time enjoying his best friend, his love, the woman who he knows has loved and supported him unconditionally, the woman he trusts, cares for and knows him the best and is there for him no question, before he leaves and he loses what she gives to him and his life. He has even told me he understands what he is walking away from and feels deep pain and saddness that he is having to do this. He feels dissapointed in himself that he is doing this to me again, this is not the man he wants to be .....oh he is so so lost guys.

He constantly talks about his age and is struggling to accept he is getting older. He finds it hard to comprehend that some of his friends will be 50 this year and he will be shortly following. Its like the MLC script has come back into play once again, repeating the whole process. Its sad, so sad and I am a bit bitter in wanting to know "why me", I am good person, have shown my loyalty and love, so why? I know no one can answer it, its the universe throwing curve balls with no defined target, they just hit and hurt at random.

So another day to get through. I am trying very hard to remain my friendly, bubbly self, I want him to see and remember the person he is walking away from as a wonderful woman. Hope iit stings him in the a$$ when he wakes up from this horrible depression we call MLC.

[BrightFuture]

Lou, I’m so sorry about the turn of events. I agree with job, your H has not fully baked yet. I’ve read so many storied on this board when WAS/MLCer would come back after a year or so, and it all looked like a solid reconciliation, only to lead to MLCer leaving again. When I was reading these stories I was kind of jealous, thinking that my sitch was so slow and there was no progress. Over time I came to realize that the chances of reconciliation are better when there is more time from BD to the point when they want to work on the R. There are some exceptions, but generally it takes a long time for MLCer to resolve the issues and be ready to R.

I also agree with job, that your case still has a pretty good chance to turn around again. But, definitely, don’t let your H back so easy.

So, he will be turning 50 soon. I think it explains it. This could be another mile stone he is getting stressed about all over again. You are right, he is lost. He is not sure what he wants. He wants it all, I guess. What a silly man.

I think you are doing great, Lou, staying friendly and bubbly. I wonder how long it will take him to leave. I bet, he is not in a hurry.

Good luck in finding a good job, Lou. You deserve it.

[LouR]

Thank you Bright, I know he came back quickly, it did not feel like it in real life, but for a MLCer it was quick.

My thoughts have been whirring around my head, as they do and journalling is a good way to move them out giving room for the next set of thoughts. So here is a bit of journalling.

At the time of BD2 I was shocked by the way that only 6 weeks earlier h was saying "you are my one, I love you and want to be with you, this is forever, I can't and don't want to imagine my life without you in it" and then 6 weeks later none of that applies anymore and he has checked out in his head and no longer feels any of those things .....6 weeks ...seriously ! With thought turning to this I remembered that only a few months ago his therapist and DR told him they felt he is suffering from depression, h knew better and decided that this is not the case and he feels fine now after a bit of exercise and making some change in life decisions.

I feel he had a lift in the depression, enough for him to make the realization that the feelings and thoughts he was having about me were indeed real and so he pursued me. He then made a life changing decision, he left his job, his home, his friends and life to be with me, he felt unhappy leaving all that behind and struggled with it, which in my mind sent his back into depression and that in turn blanketed all and any feelings he had for me. In his head he wants to go back to what made him happy, where made him happy and who made him happy - back to where he just came from.

Until he accepts that he has depression and deals with it he won't ever reconcile his thoughts enough to live a settled life, he will constantly have periods of being unhappy.

h contacted the caravan buyer last night, she is waiting for an inheritance to be paid out and feels it will be this week so she will hopefully pick up the van this coming weekend. He has been making arrangements for leaivng, working out where he can stay with the dogs while he job hunts etc, he may have even already sorted that out, I don't know, we don't talk about it, we don't talk about anything serious, just the weather and what we are having for dinner lol.

I also agree with job, that your case still has a pretty good chance to turn around again. But, definitely, don’t let your H back so easy.

I am not so sure about this, h has burnt me twice and he knows it, he may feel he can't approach me again if his feelings do change, he may just live with the fact that he messed up and lost me. He leaves me with the knowledge that he does not have sexual desire for me anymore and has been told it wont return, so I can't see him feeling otherwise when he won't be seeing me again to find out that its not true. I love that you and job feel this is not over for us, and a big part of me still would like that to be true, but I don't see how anymore. The first time I can get how he sees that I am worth so much to his life and contacts me to find out if I feel the same, but a second time ???? hmmmm.

[j20a00g]

Believe none of what they say and half of what they do!

Don't let the harsh words about attraction and sex get to you. Your brain knows it's not accurate even if it does hurt your heart.