To confront or not confront cheating W?

[sandi2]

My obsession with confrontation is that the secret of the A I am holding is driving me crazy to be honest with you - and stopping me from at least getting everything out in the open.

Nobody is stopping you. Go ahead and confront her about the affair. What do you plan on saying past the part of telling her you know?

No matter where it leads. I feel every day is a mind game because we are both living a lie - she with the affair and me with the secret of knowing. I can't imagine this is positive!

No matter where it leads? Okay, does that mean you are prepared to S and/or D?

I think I know how your W must feel when you are ignoring what she tries to tell you.

[Steady9]

I talk a little on this topic on my posts... My situation was different, but what i did what talk about letting my wife go and realizing that people are free to make their own choices even if they are married. I told my W in a very calm way that I could tell we were not as close and that I did not own her and I could let her go and be free to make her own choices and I would make mine of course.... something like that. I said this over a couple of days as we talked. Over the days, she started to realize I must know something.... or I was really noticing that we had drifted apart. The fact that I was ready to separate (I did not mention D, just let her go...) or just how in the towel impacted her to start having discussions. After a week (which is fast) I could tell that she wanted to work on the R, and I simply asked her to write down what would be important to her if we just met and we were starting new..... A few days after that I let he know I knew about A... In my situations, I think she was going to end it anyway.... (so case by case, and others on here have more experience than me....) But I can tell you my posture, words, delivery were extremely calm but very serious and she knew I was.... Luckily so far for me... she wants to stay with me....

[Natus]

Hey buddy, i got to echoe Sandi here. To confront or not is up to you however its not the end goal. It wont necessarily fix anything and are you ready for the fallout separation or divorce especially if she wont stop seeing OM.

You really have to detach, make a plan, what can life be like for you and son without W. Can you do that no matter how difficult, can you seek happiness for yourself and your son.

one of the things i love right now despite being separated is my S5 and i are closer than ever. I spend my waking hours trying to him and me happy.

You need to prepare yourself. Like Steady9 says, once you are willing to let go things change.

[roist]

Each situation is different and the aftermath of an action can be very different.I understand how this is eating you. In most cases confrontation leads to separation.BBe prepared and willing to do that. Confronting just to say you know is not enough. You need to state you will not be in a R with her if there is another person. You need to know your boundary and be willing and able to enforce the appropriate consequence if crossed.

Only you can decide your line of action but be aware that confrontation rarely results in an immediate turnaround in cheating spouse. It can be necessary to step up and confront. In fact many will advise it is your only option if you want to save yourself and your M.

It is not your only option but there are no easy options:
1 you could carry on ignoring A and learn to deal with it eating you up. I personally don't see that as a viable long term option bit is OK whilst preparing your next step.
2. Confront. Regain some pride at the risk of ending your M. It is a risk but a M with a third person is not a M worth having. Regardless of the aftermath this does not mean you will not reconcile later.
3. Do not confront but let her go. You live your life as if you do not want anything more to do with her. Basically you distance yourself or drop her without a big explication.

Just remember in all of this that the A is a symptom of a bigger underlying unhappy situation. Ending it does not automatically mean she will recommit to you.

If you cannot live like this, put together a plan . Prepare for the worst, though hope for the best. Regardless of your W, you need to work on you. Without belittling an A (I am not, it is huge) but don't let it consume you to the point that you are not working on you and your goals.

Best wishes

[Vinny76]

Thank you everyone! Can I ask what the term cake eating refers to? I assume it's the wife getting the best of both worlds from the marriage and A.

[Vinny76]

Another question:

As I detach (I'm getting there!) the biggest speed bump I'm hitting is on tag teaming with wife when it come to kids. As I've stated they are a handful and we at times work very well as "a team" with the kids during times like bedtime morning routines and weekends. While in the midst of this she will ask me to do things and I will of her as well. This feels contradictory to some of the advice I have read in other posts in detaching- where you should almost act as if they are already gone. How do I act in these scenarios? At times I feel it is completely fine others I feel It is cake eating. But it involves my kids so I'm super sensitive in how to behave and act when we are inevitably in these scenarios. . Should I just check out at the risk of looking like a bad father? Should I continue as always? Somewhere in between? I feel these situations are stopping me from fully detaching especially since I'm emotionally ready to!!!!

[j20a00g]

Thank you everyone! Can I ask what the term cake eating refers to? I assume it's the wife getting the best of both worlds from the marriage and A.

Bingo. Having your cake and eating too.

It's a win/win for her.

After being caught up in the post. Sandi said something in 1 line that sums it up I think. It's when she referred to knowing what your wife meant about you not listening/hearing.

I get the vibe that you don't really intend to do anything that you don't personally think will work and will end up doing what you want regardless of advice. This is certainly your right. You can do what's right or do what works. Your call. I'm just shocked this post is almost 7 pages of people telling you it won't be productive and could be detrimental and you are still leaning towards getting in that water.

[j20a00g]

Another question:

As I detach (I'm getting there!) the biggest speed bump I'm hitting is on tag teaming with wife when it come to kids. As I've stated they are a handful and we at times work very well as "a team" with the kids during times like bedtime morning routines and weekends. While in the midst of this she will ask me to do things and I will of her as well. This feels contradictory to some of the advice I have read in other posts in detaching- where you should almost act as if they are already gone. How do I act in these scenarios? At times I feel it is completely fine others I feel It is cake eating. But it involves my kids so I'm super sensitive in how to behave and act when we are inevitably in these scenarios. . Should I just check out at the risk of looking like a bad father? Should I continue as always? Somewhere in between? I feel these situations are stopping me from fully detaching especially since I'm emotionally ready to!!!!

You must have misread. Detaching isn't the same as NC. Detaching has nothing to do with kids. You will still ofcourse communicate about the kids and anything pressing financially. When it's said about communicating about the kids it's the big stuff. Not a cute pic text or something like that. It's more of you backing way off and not initiating contact. When she initiates you are polite but not overly.

[j20a00g]

Another question:

As I detach (I'm getting there!) the biggest speed bump I'm hitting is on tag teaming with wife when it come to kids. As I've stated they are a handful and we at times work very well as "a team" with the kids during times like bedtime morning routines and weekends. While in the midst of this she will ask me to do things and I will of her as well. This feels contradictory to some of the advice I have read in other posts in detaching- where you should almost act as if they are already gone. How do I act in these scenarios? At times I feel it is completely fine others I feel It is cake eating. But it involves my kids so I'm super sensitive in how to behave and act when we are inevitably in these scenarios. . Should I just check out at the risk of looking like a bad father? Should I continue as always? Somewhere in between? I feel these situations are stopping me from fully detaching especially since I'm emotionally ready to!!!!

Can you give some specific situations?

[Vinny76]

Hello all. I am a previous poster that found evidence of an in going affair my wife has been involved in (she is unaware I know). My previous thread was a lot of back and forth on my struggles with confrontation - all of which blinded me from the advice many of the vets were giving me. I removed myself from the thread to absorb some of the 2x4s and take their advice and (try to) implement. Detachment GAL, boundaries, etc.

Now I am posting 4 months later to share my situation and hopefully get some insight and maybe provide some info that will relate - if not help - others.

My journey has been (as expected) up and down. Out of the gate I just started distracting myself. Doing whatever I could to keep my mind off the anger for my WW and her disregard for me, my family and her obsession with OM.

That turned into becoming somewhat detached. I became somewhat independent of her controlling nature and started to feel and understand how much she was actually suppressing me as a person. They talk about the fog of the WW. I realized I was in a fog myself!!! I started to look back at how I was treated through the years and I couldn't believe how I could allow my persona and aura to be snuffed out - it happened slowly but surely but she methodically was knocking me down, and then it quickly turned into her pushing me aside to build a new infrastructure for herself - money friends, etc. She does as little as possible in terms of quality time for kids - instead spends time online buying them clothes or signing them up for weekend or after school activities (she constantly proclaims that's how she shows her love.) Her "family" felt like it was a chore to her. A responsibility she needs to fulfill with little to no enjoyment. To give some quick background: my wife and I have had problems for about 6 years now which started out, as I thought, as stress with two working parents, with two kids and one with significant special needs. What I have come to find is she has been involved in affair with an ex boss of hers - that I know - for years (how many I don't know).

Anyways - Ultimate betrayal for me, and I am able to look to the past and what is happening in the present with new clarity.

I plan to post more on what has transpired over the past few months, but the one thing I wanted to throw out within this specific post is something in our past that really hit me between the eyes. I have unknowingly "DB'd" successfully TWICE in our past.I am curious what some of the vets think of this:

First: when we were first dating, she had an ex BF of about 7 years. We broke up after about 6 months of dating and she went back to the old BF. I pursued lightly for a few months to no avail, and finally let her go and moved on. Long story short: I stopped pursuing, she purses me lightly, and one night saw me out and not paying attention to her and it drove her crazy. She pursed me with a full court press and we began dating again - (this time for good). She admitted to me she was seeing him the last month of our first dating experience and that why she pushed me away. (She made me break up with her as she didn't have the stones, she pushed me away to the point it was obvious she didn't want to be with me.)

Before I move on OBVIOUSLY a sign of things to come. Cheating, dismissal and unable to face me about the situation just push my buttons until I LEAVE. makes
Me the bad guy. The true detachment drew her back.

Second: this was 3 years ago. We were having issues and we were stressed to move into a better town for better schools for our son with Special needs. We sold our house, and moved into an appt. for a year while our dream house was being built in the town we loved. At that point I was so happy to have sold our old house, my career was taking off, and I designated to bring nothing but positive energy and confidence to everything in my life. I became much more assertive (positively) about our organizing our lives, planning our free time together and being a bit more alpha male. She took notice almost immediately, and could tell she was drawn to me. She is VERY closed always has been with serious topics or her feelings. And has never extended an olive branch to make things better between us. But after a few weeks she came to me, sat me down, and said she wanted to be better for me and wanted to work things out by going to a therapist to figure herself out a bit. She was very positive about it. Here is the important part - my reaction: I was floored she would mention the dirty word "therapy" my mindset was that was just for people who had real issues and CERTAINLY not something WE or SHE needed. We just need some positive momentum to get us back on track right? Anyways I reacted very taken aback and questioning her what she meant, why she would need to go to therapy to be with me and to be happy. She was obviousky upset with my reaction to what she thought was a "good thing". Sarcastically telling me "thanks for the support". I immediately changed my tune and became super supportive but I think the damage was done. From there she began therapy and wouldn't tell me ANYTHING about it - only telling me "I think I'm pretty screwed up, probably need medication." From there it was all down hill - we moved into our dream house and she went from "Luke warm" to completely distant overnight. It was like she was holding out for us to move in this house to totally turn on me.

So in this last experience, I see that my unintentional "DBing" drew her back to me as she was reaching out for help - and now I know she was dealing with the OM - I had totally smashed the "lighthouse". I burned a bridge of providing her support and solice.

What is obvious based on my other posts she is now in therapy to try and repai her relationship with him (not me). Anyways that is neither here nor there. I have had some success and failures with. Iundaries and detaching, and I have chosen to NOT confront about the affair - just apply DB techniques - all in an attempt to repair myself and benefit my wellbeing.