To confront or not confront cheating W?

[Vinny76]

I think I'm getting the LRT confused with the rules.

So now I'm TRYING to do my thing and let her do hers but our family dynamic is hard to deal with. Example:

We usually split the kids up on weekend to run errands etc. so looking back, SHE has been GAL before me and doing what she can on weekends to avoid me and my son. Therefore, I feel like unless I confront her about taking the two kids while I "do what I want" it's biz as usual. Obviously I'm going to start filling my days with things I want to do and keep me busy vs running her errands but she is inflicting her Will on me through the kids. My son is hard to take out and do things with because he has special needs. It's a lot of work! And she has pawned that responsibility on me. Making her life easier on the weekends by doing what she wants with our daughter.

I feel like I'm making progress here but am struggling with these key household dynamics and how to break out of them or make them work better for me.

[Vinny76]

She has started to Get OVERLY chatty with me about work. Telling me she has no one else to talk to. (But getting home later and later every night). She walked in front of me and the TV the other night when I wouldn't really pay attention or non-chelotly answer her questions and demanded to know why I wouldn't talk to her. I responded very politely but shortly that it wasn't for any reason.

I feel like the tension with her not knowing if I know about the affair is eating at her. Should I just keep doing what I'm doing? Or should I get the A out in the open. Let her know I know. I called the hotline and they said I should lay out an "invitation" to her to rejoin the marriage. I don't think this is a good call and doesn't feel right. Anyone in this situation I am in of knowing about their spouse A but not confronting them yet?

[sandi2]

You seem to have confrontation on your brain. As I've said previously, just confronting her will not change anything. You have to have something along with the confrontation. Same thing about boundaries. You are wanting to control her on everything from how she doesn't talk to you in a group, to how she deals with the kids.

The second I engage in the conversation she turns off and walks away or disengages with the convo. It's super disrespectful but not sure how to create boundaries with something like that without whining That I demand respect. Just 1 example but most of the issues I have are more from a dismissive perspective than with confrontations.

If you start crowing like a rooster about demanding respect, she's going to hit you with more than you know how to handle, b/c you don't even know how to deal with these things.

We usually split the kids up on weekend to run errands etc. so looking back, SHE has been GAL before me and doing what she can on weekends to avoid me and my son. Therefore, I feel like unless I confront her about taking the two kids while I "do what I want" it's biz as usual. Obviously I'm going to start filling my days with things I want to do and keep me busy vs running her errands but she is inflicting her Will on me through the kids. My son is hard to take out and do things with because he has special needs. It's a lot of work! And she has pawned that responsibility on me. Making her life easier on the weekends by doing what she wants with our daughter.

Just like confrontations, demanding respect,....or.telling her you won't tolerate something she's doing is a JOKE if you don't have something to reinforce your words. If I were your WW and the first time you told me you demanded something or wasn't going to tolerate my behavior..........I would probably laugh in your face, and then I'd get very angry.......and I know you don't really want your W to be mad at you. So, THEN what would your next step be?

I'm not trying to be difficult. I'm trying to get you to see that your confrontations, demands, boundaries, etc. have no power if all you can do is speak and hope for the best. A WW is going to test your boundaries, so what would be a consequence to her walking away from a group when you start talking? Actually, I think there are other more important issues, but if you feel disrespected, how would you address this as a boundary, and what are you prepared to do if she chooses to not honor it?

First of all, have you clearly told her how it makes you feel? B/c if you have never brought up the issue, then she doesn't know. The first step is to make sure she knows you want it to stop.

I agree with Bond, it seems a bit petty. And the situation with her wanting to separate the kids.........well, that could be seen as petty, too.........except if she really isn't spending time with her son, then there could be a deeper problem. However, I don't see how you can put it in the category of boundary setting. It sounds too much like controlling, to me. How much has this topic ever been discussed?

I hope you won't think I am picking at you. It takes time to get some of these things down right. If you have never stood up to her about things you didn't appreciate and/or tell her she is wrong..........then you have to be realistic and not expect her to take kindly to it. This is what happens when a H is too afraid to open his mouth, and then he thinks he can start crowing about his boundaries and everything will just fall into place. You can and should have boundaries, don't get me wrong. Eventually, she may respect you for standing up like a man. Considering she is having an affair, I think that's where you need to start.

For the record, are you willing to live in an open M? If not, what would the consequences be if that boundary was not honored? Just think about. Don't do something stupid before testing it out with the board first.

[Rose888]

It sounds like your wife might be struggling with the reality of having a special needs kid. I know it can be rough on a marriage. Have you ever sought counseling for that issue?

Also, if both of you have successful careers, could you hire some help to reduce stress in other areas to give both of you more mental and emotional resources to deal with your son?

[Vinny76]

She doesn't spend time with our son. It feels she has grouped us together as the "stress" in her life that she doesn't want to be around or deal with. Every weekend is calculated to the point she shares the two of us as little as possible.

I don't mind the "tough love" here but I do need help on successful boundaries to set. I have NOT told her how I feel and your right - I should start there. But they are also just words.

My obsession with confrontation is that the secret of the A I am holding is driving me crazy to be honest with you - and stopping me from at least getting everything out in the open. No matter where it leads. I feel every day is a mind game because we are both living a lie - she with the affair and me with the secret of knowing. I can't imagine this is positive!

[Vinny76]

Rose888-

I do think that my son's situation has something to do with it. I feel like if we ever get to the point of repairing our marriage - that will become a big issue in therapy. She has major guilt about not wanting to be with him. I know this from the past.

Right now we have a ways to go to even begin to broach that subject and try to repair it. My
Wife has always "run" from emotionally heavy subjects.

We have TONS of great help. And we leverage it as much as possible. But for the last year leading to where we are my wife avoided us going out alone together as a couple. I now know why.

[MrBond]

You do realize that everything you "observe" or point out in terms of flaws or what she does or isn't doing is more of your control. You say she doesn't pay attention to you so you ignore her to control her to pay more attention. Then when she does, you say she pays TOO much attention to you but not in the way you'd like. Just seems like you're playing a game.

[bigybiz]

Vinny 76. I really feel for you and there is lots of good advice here and you should listen to them i.e. Sandi2, TxHubby, Rosse88, etc.

I want to tell you my story - just for interest. I did everything wrong, but I'm OK with the result. I suspected my W was having an affair. I begged and pleaded for her to tell me the truth. She kept telling me she was not. Her behavior and actions said otherwise. I started snooping on her phone and saw convo's between her and a man. Very personal, flirty, etc.

So I started asking very direct questions and the lies continued. Well, when I was at the end of my rope.

I told her I hired hackers who sent me screen grabs of her convos between her and the OM. That was not true - but it was the only way she would tell me the truth. Well she was horrified. She told me a little about him, she told me that it was not a PA. She did not think there was anything wrong.

She contacted him and told him that I had hired hackers to expose the relationship.

Then I contacted him via social media and told him I needed to speak to him (He was far away in the U.S.A.). I got him on the phone. He told me it was not a PA. He agreed he should not have been having personal conversations with a married woman. Then he dropped her like a stone. He has not spoken to her since. After we went In House Sep, she tried to reconnect with him. I contacted him and he blocked her.

The best thing I did was confront him and told him to leave my wife alone. I really felt good after I did that. You can get really brave over the phone knowing there are 1000's of KM between you.

My bluff worked - as she blinked and confessed.

The consequence was - He dropped her. So she did feel it.

I was "Lucky" in some respects. Everything I did was wrong. To this day W still says it was not an EA it was a friendship. Despite the fact it was a secret, personal, flirty, etc.

So listen to the vets - confront at great peril - but if you do, be ready for an outcome you did not expect.

[PsySara]

You're really struggling with GAL. The key to lovingly detaching is to do things for yourself that will build your confidence, your happiness and your inner peace. Before you met your wife what were things you enjoyed doing? Re-visit the Vinny and get to know him again. That is the man your wife fell in love with, more importantly that is who you truly were before the challenges of building a marriage and juggling the responsibilities of a family.

You need respite from being the primary parent, so arrange child care one evening a week and then get out. Let your wife know you are re-investing in yourself and the child care is set up if she stays out late. Be mysterious, if she ask a lot of questions just give her basic answers, don't elaborate. Your goal is not to get her notice, it is to get yourself centered and give your brain in some respite from the trauma and pain of finding out your wife is wayward. Then purposely do things with just you and the kids, enjoy THEM. But don't make this your only focus or you will get caretaker fatigue, I am speaking from pure experience here. Your parents deserve the best, right? Therefore they deserve to have their primary parent (you) be at his most mental and physical fitness.

[PsySara]

You're kids deserve the best, right?*

Correction from previous post