Taking another dolly step...

[job]

Coly,

I'm glad the "coffee" date went well. I know it hurts to see him so happy and he treated you just like a friend, but that's how they are at times. His life right now is exciting and he's like a little boy on a camping trip out in the wilderness exploring the world. When the responsibilities and the day-to-day stuff starts tumbling down around him, that "happy as a clam" appearance will disappear...but it takes time to do so.

Now what? You take care of yourself. You left h w/some good thoughts. Allow him to come to you. Do not contact him unless it is an absolute emergency.

Keep the focus on you. What are your plans for the weekend?

[Coly23]

Thanks Job, I just don't understand. He knows how I feel and that hurts even more.

How he can sit there knowing he has this other life without me makes me so, so sad.

Job, do you think the fact that he walked me to my car and kissed and hugged me is a bit more than just being friendly or am I over analysing it?

[Coly23]

Oops. Sorry just seen your questions about the weekend! Getting my hair cut and coloured and baby siting my twin neice and nephew. Other than that housework! How about you?

[Surfer]

Coly,

A hug. My W has not touched me at all for say 3 years (perhaps I touched her back 1 year ago without her flinching - at a funeral). A hug would be good. Don't over analyse. Just look and be appealing. His other life will wane in his interest and if you look a little 'wow', he will notice.

I have been listening to the 5 love languages audio book this week. Amazing. I recommend this if you have not read it....

Enjoy the peace getting your hair done....

surfer.

[AndrewP]

Job, do you think the fact that he walked me to my car and kissed and hugged me is a bit more than just being friendly or am I over analysing it?

Coly23 - I'm not job but I might take a stab at this. At one point I used to imagine that my W thought that she lived in a fairy land where she could do what she wanted and that it had no impact on anyone else because she was the most important person ever. My last kiss (from anyone) was on the morning of BD2 when she kissed me goodbye on my way to work but she would be friendly, happy and companiable as she got accustomed to being Queen of Fairly Land. Visits to where I lived in Realsville were difficult for her.

I think you had a nice coffee with the Prince of Fairy Land who probably isn't taking calls from Realsville for right now. Fairly Land isn't a place you would want to visit either. Now - if your Prince decided to visit you in Realsville and remembers that there are other important people in the world and "then" kisses you - then you can consider being friendly back. Otherwise, bow and wave. Bow and wave

[job]

Coly,

You are very new to this crisis stuff, but you've got to stop analyzing everything he says or does. No, I don't think that the fact he walked you to your car, kissed and hugged you were a bit more than just friendly. It may have just been a moment of clarity and a habit from the past. I wouldn't read too much into what he did.

They do all sorts of things that can make you think and over analyze stuff. Some will do what your h did when leaving you in the parking lot, others will bring you gifts or do good deeds, but in their minds, it is nothing more than being a friend doing something for a friend.

Keep your expectations very, very low and continue focusing on you and moving forward.

[tadpole1025]

Hi Coly.

Job is spot on. Don't over analyze this stuff.

They do some crazy things while in MLC.

To give you an example, My XW gave me a very passionate kiss and told me that she LOVED me the very day she left. Crazy? Yep!

Keep the focus on you.

Tad

[Coly23]

Morning All! Sorry for not responding sooner. I had a really heavy phone session with IC yesterday and spent the evening processing stuff.

Surfer - I know i should be grateful for the fact that H still wants to kiss and hug me but I guess that makes it all the more difficult. I have got the 5LL book and I started reading if but if made me sad because I wish I had known about this before and now it feels like it's too late... Are you saying that this might help me with my interactions with him now or just if we reconcile?

Andrew - Thanks for dragging me back to Realsville I really needed that! Your right he is doing all these things because he lives in a fantasy world in which he can turn my life upside down but think that everything will be all tweety birds and fluffy bunnies!

Job - I know, I do have to stop over analysing things! I guess he has always been like this (touchy feely) even after BD so it's nothing new. However he stopped hugging me (only title kisses) a few weeks after BD. I'm also having difficulty with my IC at the moment. Even though she is really lovely and helps me to recognise my feelings and emotions I think she is trying to steer me towards having it out with H so I can get closure. How to I navigate this with her?

Tadpole - thanks so much for visiting my thread. I guess his actions have given me hope even though I did try to keep my expectations low it just blindsided me a bit. It's just beggars belief as to what goes on in their heads. Surely they must realise that their actions are hurting and confusing us?

Thank you all for the 2x4s. Although it was hard I am pleased that I met with H. I think it helped to show that my going dark was not me punishing him so hopefully he won't be worried about contacting me in the future.

Also I am going to look on the positive side and list some signposts from the day to keep my spirits up:

- H accepted an invite for coffee after 7 weeks of NC
- H gave me a hello kiss (on the lips)
- H offered to buy the drinks
- H was very relaxed thoughout
- H walked me to my car in the pouring rain (he had to walk past his own car)
- H gave me a kiss (on the lips) and a hug and then another kiss (on the lips) and hug before I got into my car

Right, back to being dark again! Happy weekend everyone!!

[Sotto]

Hi Coly, the last time I saw XH (2 years ago and when he was seeing his AP) he told me he still felt swept away by love for me, wanted to take my hand and be romantic with me.

When he told me that, I told him we wouldn't have any sort or R, whilst he chose to conduct a R with someone else. Perhaps I was a little blunt, but that was truly the case for me. Now you would think that if someone felt that way, he wouldn't have chosen to file for D and so on - but there we are. That was the way he said he felt about me last time he saw me.

I'm also quite sure that if I had given an inch, he would have taken a mile. He was flying off to see OW the following week I later discovered.

I guess the message is - yes, MLCers do that kind of stuff. Feelings for the spouse are still buried in there somewhere. But (and this is where boundaries are so important) - until someone actually wants to be 'all in' and can be a suitable partner - it's not worth paying that much attention to that kind of stuff....

JMHO of course - take the gesture for what it was - a momentary show of affection. Enjoy that moment and keep moving forwards.... X

[Coly23]

Thanks Sotto, I remember reading in your thread how your H said he still had strong feelings for you but told everyone else another story. I don't know if you remember but my H also did something similar (although didn't say he had feelings for me) when he hinted to some friends that he was definitely not coming back.

I'm currently in the hairdressers getting my hair coloured and H sent me a text to say he had a nice time yesterday and to let him know if I wanted to meet up again in the week. Said for him to let me one when is convenient for him because he would need to work from home so he's going to have a look at his diary and get back to me...