And so it continues .........

[AndrewP]

My dear LouR - good to hear from you. Sorry for not posting earlier but I've been slowing down my interaction here. Not much happening in my world these days although I'm sure you would be surprised at snow in your world

You'll get through this. You are a great person and you can find the strength and Joy inside yourself. Houses are just sticks and straws what matters is a Home which can be anything suitcase sized and up.

(((LouR)))

[Altair]

LouR,
I second what AP says. You're a powerhouse of inspiration, really, from moving to different countries, to heartbreak, to house stuff to just enjoying finding ephemera on the beach. Your strength and fortitude are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing your story. Also, sometimes another way to get a house does arise, don't give up!

[bttrfly]

I have not found anywhere to live that I can afford yet, I am trying hard to remember that while I am living where I am I am saving money. I still have $3.5k to go before I am back to where I was before H arrived, I kick myself that I allowed this to happen, totally went blind to past mistakes in that moment. A harsh lesson to learn and one am paying for now.

Well, another way to view it is that it was $3.5k well spent, as you never have to learn that lesson again! trying for a silver lining dearest.

On the subject of money, I had a bit of knock back this week. I made an appoint with my bank to discuss Mortgages for the future. I had worked out that if I live like a hermit for the next 3-4yrs and save save save, together with my goal amount and government schemes for first time buyers I would have a really decent deposit for a house, in fact nearly 30% of the house I want to buy, which I felt was good. But it seems that is not the case. What I can currently raise as a mortgage would not buy me anything near what I want, what I can get is the worst house, in the worst street, in the worst suburb - no exaggeration here. What I need to be earning to get me what I would like is so far away from realistically possible for me it was a real stomach sink moment. On top of that, because I was named on houses that h and I bought when we were together I am technically not a first time buyer, despite no longer being with h and this would be my first home as a lone buyer, so I may not meet the criteria for the early release of my government retirement scheme that I pay in to, which would have been to make up my deposit amount. Typical.

While that is disappointing, you also are now more informed and can set your goals accordingly. Vision board that house baby!

I have sat quietly with this latest news for a couple of days now. I know that its out of my control, it is what it is. But I feel like its another twist in the knife from h and his selfish actions. I had a home, he took it away from me. What is worse is that I look back and think about how my mother left me enough money to buy a home outright, so I would always be safe and have a roof over my head, and my blindness, my weakness in not being able to stand up to h, scared he would leave me, has seen me loose it all. And in the end, he has left me and I have survived. This indeed has been a very hard and harsh life lesson. I feel so sad and low, looking at what I had to what I am now having to live like - how is it that I am being punished while he is out there living his dream ....I know, I know, he probably isn't, just portrays that he is.

Dearest, is now the time to look into divorce and spousal support? I hate to say this to you, but this situation is just not right. You were in a very long term marriage and a stay at home mother. There must be laws about this in NZ ...

I am not sure what direction I am going in anymore. Slightly demoralized about the house thing, I had set myself up to achieve that goal so was a high sinking to a big low in one conversation. Travel is still on the cards and more possible if I give up the house idea, but seems like I runners up prize at the moment.

Yes, I understand. If we lived in California, xh would have to repay me the inheritances left by my aunt and godfather, which I used to pay for home improvements and supporting the household. But, we live in a different state, with different rules so he skates on that.

I know that feeling as I felt it last year when I tried to get a mortgage to save our home. It was utterly demoralizing. Now it's a year later and I've set a different goal. It's ok Lou, it really has only been a short time. You've accomplished quite a lot in that small space of time. You just need some breathing room and a chance to really land after the last round with your MLCr.

Generally life is quiet, I am putting the staples into it - a job, a roof over my head and transport. So why does it feel like the universe is against me, be nice to catch a break.

Well, sometimes it does feel like that, doesn't it? The good news is, that feeling doesn't last. What helps me when I feel like that is focusing on the immediate - just break it down into weekly chunks of time and if that's too much, then day at a time, hour at a time or minute at a time. I have complete faith in you honey. Sending prayers and {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} xoxoxo

[LouR]

Hi everyone, nothing to add this weekend, so going to reply to my posts and do some journal-ling instead.

Sotto, AndrewP and Altair - thank you so much for dropping by and for your kind support and love, it really does mean such a lot to me.

Bttrfly -

Well, another way to view it is that it was $3.5k well spent, as you never have to learn that lesson again! trying for a silver lining dearest.

It was my second lesson in his spending, I am obviously a slow learner lol. In this instance there really is no silver lining, my trusting nature bit me full in the a$$ and I should have known better. My intense desire to have him back in my life temporarily gave me amnesia to his past flaws, its money I could ill afford to loose. But thank you for trying to make this sound better than it is xxx

Dearest, is now the time to look into divorce and spousal support? I hate to say this to you, but this situation is just not right. You were in a very long term marriage and a stay at home mother. There must be laws about this in NZ ...

Half of nothing is nothing, this is what he had when he left and he has even less now. He opted out of all his pension schemes (I was unaware of this until recently when in his moment of clarity we were talking future and he told me) so there is nothing to have there either and he currently has debts. As for spousal support, I am not entitled to it anymore - the law here is a judge deciding how long it would take me to stand on my own two feet, whether that be by going back to school and getting qualifications or getting a job which would pay my basic living costs. I have shown that I have and am standing on my own two feet, in fact currently I am earning more than him as he is still on his sabbatical. H gave me what was left of our house sale to live off until I found work, I had 3 weeks rent left of it in the bank when I finally got a job.

There is nothing in joint name anymore, I took myself off everything when he left after BD1. I wanted to make sure I was not named on any debts he accrued after he left, which turned out to be a very prudent move as he got a couple of loans and maxed two cc out trying to keep ow happy and live his life to the full, whatever made him feel happy he did it. He has no claim on anything I earn or inherit or win or find on a beach, we are completely separate financially and legally he can't touch me.

So as for d, he started this so he can finish it. Whilst I do think it is highly unlikely he will try to reconnect again the possibility is still there, I have not gone through all this, including the touch and go, to give up. If it naturally goes that way then so be it, for now I am single so until that status changes the door will be ajar for him - but it will be a really heavy door for him to open ....

In other h news, s20 g/friend mentioned h the other day (she does not know of the h mention ban in the house) and said he is visiting s22 this weekend - the s that was never going to talk to his dad ever again - seems like he is doing damage control with both boys now, what worries me is that once h finds his next "miss right" the boys will go to the bottom of the priority list again and they will get hurt ... again. I know there is nothing I can do about this, I do stay out of it completely, but it is hard as their mother to watch this happen to them over and over.

No contact from h, I wonder if he feels he can, he said last time he never felt he had the right to and was waiting for me to break the silence (although it was him that did find an excuse and emailed me) I am not sure how DB works with this situation. I have gone nc and he is doing the same, but how do you know if its what he wants right now, to be left alone, or if he feels to guilty and ashamed to say hi ? I honestly have nothing to say to him, so perhaps its best left alone and if he really wants to talk to me he will find a way. IDK.

So onward to another week. Joy joy, helping loved up couples plan their first/second weddings and parties, its not the greatest job for a newly single gal lol. S20 has started a new job, if he gets through his 90 day trial then he said he will be moving to the town his job is in to cut down on fuel, understandable. I wont panic rent just yet, will wait until nearer the time, a lot can happen in 3 months!

I have been thinking about a few short trips I can do on my weekends off, thinking maybe buy a 2nd hand tent to keep accommodation costs down, figured after 6 weekends I will have paid it off in motel charges, so is worth the investment. Got to do something to get me out of this funk I am in. And yes, I do know I am in one.

As always, thanks for reading and your support, keep muddling through everyone, don't forget you are amazing beautiful people who deserve nothing but the best. xoxo

[job]

Lou,

I am very sorry that things seem to be all over the place for you right now, but I have faith in you and know that you will figure things out and get back on track very soon.

As for your h, I think you are very wise in waiting him out on the divorce. If he wants it, he'll do the necessary work to get it done.

As for your sons, I agree w/you in the fact that when the next window dressing comes along, he'll put them on the back burner once again. I hope he continues to rebuild the bridges he destroyed w/his sons.

As for making you contacting him....I would continue the NC for a while. Right now, he may be getting some info about you from your sons and that is satisfying his need to know about you and how you are doing. If he wants to hear from you, he knows how to contact you. Sit quietly and allow him to come to you this time.

I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and I hope things turn around for you very quickly.

[LouR]

Thank you job for your lovely post and advice, I do feel remaining NC is the best thing for me

My phone rang a few nights ago, a number I did not know, my immediate thought went to "I wonder if it is him and he has changed his number", my heart started thumping in my chest and for that moment I froze, I did not want to pick up in case it was him, for really he has nothing to say that I want to hear, which would only mean a conversation that I would need to think of things to say in return to what he wanted to say. So I did not answer, let it go to voice mail. In the end it was a g/friend who was using her h's phone lol. But it did show me how much I actually dont want to speak to h, I am content as things are.

Today was another momentous occasion in the dropping the rope (well I feel it is). S20 rang to ask me if his friend could borrow my old phone. I said yes and then remembered that it still contains all the text messages that h sent to me before he came back to me last year, all the lovely things he said, the promises he made, the details about his r with ow, details of his therapy etc, all of it on the phone. I could have phoned s20 back and said I have changed my mind, wanting to keep the texts safe - but what for, why do I want to keep them ......so with one very deep breath I pressed the factory reset button and erased everything on the phone, the texts, the photos, the emails. Feeling ok about it, I know that keeping them was temptation for me, that one day I would hurt myself by looking back on them. The texts were lies, no truth to the sentiment held within them, so no need to keep them.

On another note, and back to being about me ...I have spent my free weekends going on road trips, sometimes a few hours away and sometimes just up the coast, but generally in the direction of a beach. I have really enjoyed discovering new places and the scenery along the way, so a couple of weeks ago I decided to buy a tent so I can go away for whole weekends cheaply - as many places here have freedom camping sites by a beach or river that are free.

After looking at many tents I have gone for a concept tent that has only been in production for a few years - I found it on a website (don't think I am allowed to name websites) that helps turn peoples concepts into reality by the public pledging to buy the item - in my case a tent - and then when they have enough pledges they go in to production. My tent is the second generation of a concept tent and last week I was told they now have enough pledges to go into production with the new improved model so I will get mine at the end of April (which will be autumn in NZ, but hey, I have a tent no one else will have here ) So I am excited, I am part of making a concept become reality, how cool is that. I have already stated my list of places to go. I am sure I will be extremely nervous pitching my tent and being on my own somewhere new, but its quite exciting too. (Oh and before you all start screaming at your screen "its a scam" I have friends in the UK who have the 1st Gen one, so it does exist !!)

I have had a big shift in the past couple of weeks, no longer is it about him and what he has done, its become about me and the situation I am in. I do have my pity party for one moments where I am the victim and don't have the things in my life that I should do at 46, but time has made understand that I am equally to blame for the financial mess I am in, I could have been stronger and said no to his spending, so I need to suck it up, accept what is done is done and move on making the best of what I have got. I am still living in s20 spare room, I am looking for a suitable place for me, but for now I am allowing things to unfold and see what happens next, something will make my mind up for me I am sure. This is the problem with so much freedom, it comes with so many options!

xoxo

[job]

Lou,

I'm so happy you have returned to give us an update. I think you are doing just fine and are where you need to be right now.

You took a huge step in healing by deleting everything off of that phone. Sometimes, we have to do such things in order to move forward.

I have always been told that beaches and the water scene are very healing and I'm glad you are taking those road trips. They are helping you heal.

I'm curious about this tent deal. Tell me more about it.

The shift you are experiencing is going in the right direction. You are starting to focus more on yourself and you know what? Lou, it's time you started focusing on you and what you want to do w/your life. You've spent a lot of time being a wife and a mother and your sons are grown now...and...now it's your time to be a little bit selfish. Yes, free time comes w/a lot of options and it looks like you've already started doing some of those things that will bring you peace and happiness.

Lou, you are an inspiration to many here!

[LouR]

Hi job, thank you for showing me the way. My progress has only happened because of the guidance I receive, some of it has been harsh but necessary and some of it gentle encouragement, I am lucky to have so many that care about me.

My tent - my first thought was to how I was going to put the tent up on my own, so I looked at different size tents and could see that the size of tent I could handle was not the size of tent I would like. So that lead me to google "how to put a tent up on your own" which lead to Pop Up Tents. Not a new concept, but finding a pop up tent that was able to cope in all weathers and not just a kiddies backyard play tent was not easy to find. Within a blog I was reading the tent I have now purchased came up as a "new innovation in pop up tents" it was born in the UK.

The website backs new concepts, the public pledge money - you buy a tent but you dont get it until enough money is raised to put in into production - and the design hopefully gets enough backing to see it become reality. In 2014 the tent did become reality and feedback from its customers has seen a second generation tent be released, the same idea with pledges to put the tent in to production. This is the tent I pledged too and got told last week that after another overhaul it has gone in to production and Australia and New Zealand will be the first in the world to get the new design, followed by the UK and USA.

The tent I will be getting is a 4 man tent (shown by how many surfboards can be fit in the main sleeping area lol), it is a pop up tent but with a double skin so condensation and rain is not a problem, this is an unusual feature for a pop up. It consits of a 1.4m high main bedroom and then each end has a smaller vestibule to store belongings (the idea is at a festival you can store your muddy clothes one end and still have a clean end to get in and out of the tent), the whole tent opens up to one big tent or can be closed to 3 sections. The whole inner tents has mossie nets and full cover options.

This is where is becomes special. It has a solar power panel and a removable battery pack to charge phones and devices (important to me as a woman alone to be in communication if I should need it and to charge my phone so I can take lots of photos of my adventures). The tent peg on each corner of the tent has a LED light inside it to light the tent outside at night, two torches that turn into lanterns for inside the tent, glow in the dark guy ropes, it is rainproof to 4000hh which is 3 times the recommended amount,a bathtub groundsheet that stops any water coming in and a heat reflective cover that in summer keeps the tent cool and turned over it keeps the tent warm in winter, it also acts a blackout to the sleeping area so bright early sun does not wake you up.

The best bit of all - the record for putting in down is 1 minute !! I will be happy with 30 mins lol.

So I am very excited and looking forward to receiving my tent. I have to get past being nervous going camping on my own - or for that matter, just going away on my own - does not help when everyone says to me "ooh how brave, I could not do it", but I dont see why its acceptable for a family, or a couple or even a man to go away on his own, so why is a woman going camping alone such a big deal?

[job]

Lou,

The tent sounds awesome! I can't wait until you get it and try it out. Just think...camping and doing things on your own w/the peace and quiet of Mother Nature.

I'm very proud of you! You are stepping outside of your comfort zone and doing something different and exciting.

[HaWho]

What a great concept! I am looking forward to hearing about all of your adventures.

You are definitely an inspiration to me for many, many reasons. Thanks for positing. It's nice to hear from you...