Merry Christmas and may the new year bring you peace and happiness. You are a wonderful supporter to the posters here and as 2016 slowly comes to an end, I can only wish you and all of the posters a very Happy New Year.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
LouR - The New Year happened for you quite a while before it did for me. I hope it has been good to you thus far. Hold your head high and know that you can make it fabulous. While you search for some ambergris I have my lottery tickets set aside for this weekend's draw. I rarely buy them but had a couple of spare dollars and thought "what the heck"!
I remember one of the times I bought a ticket and told the gent selling to me to wish me luck. He looked at me (this was actually just after BD1 I think) and told me that I was already lucky. I thought hard and realized that yes I was. I had good friends and family who loved me. I have a good job and my health. I am indeed so very very fortunate as are you too.
Wish me luck in the lottery regardless though <smile>.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I too have done the lotto this week, so who knows, we may both be millionaires by the end of the evening - I am not sure which I am more likely to be lucky with; the lotto or finding ambergris ha ha
I thought about what you said about being lucky. I do consider myself lucky ....lucky that I am not my h, as that would be awful. What a terrible life to be living huh. I know I am lucky and blessed to have all that I do in my life, I found a job again quickly, that was extremely lucky, I have a roof over my head albeit in constant jeopardy and I have food in the cupboards. I am healthy and have dreams that I hopefully one day may achieve. I have the most wonderful friends that show their love ans support no matter what crazy decisions I make and I am humbled to have found so many beautiful souls here on DB. I am indeed one lucky gal.
I would be even luckier and happier if I win the lotto tonight - just a small win would do .....So Andrew my friend, I wish you good fortune with your lucky numbers tonight
Nothing to really tell you from my corner of the world, which in a way is a good thing I suppose.
Christmas and New Year were quiet, I was alone NYE which was fine with me. NYD i felt a bit low, but I think that was a bit of the "my future would have been" blues, all our plans finished, just like the year. But I am ok now, I haven't thought about it since, was just a day of reflection and they will come and go as the process continues.
Work is a mixture of challenging and boring, if you can mix the two. I am not physically active and that makes me antsy and I have put on weight since starting (does not help I found a store that sells UK chocolate), so I need to get that under control and start walking after work. I keep reminding myself that this is a temporary job, and pays the rent and bills until I can decide what I want to do and where I want to be. I have started my 6 day roster now, so every other week I do 6 days, means extra money and more going in to my travel fund.
H - have not heard from him since he left 8 weeks ago, that is fine by me, I know that in this early stage anything he has to say would not be what I want to hear, so its easier this way. The boys have been really good and don't mention their dad to me at all, I don't want to know what he is doing or where he is, anytime I do hear it puts me in a funk for a while, because right now he is portraying the fluffy clouds and rainbows persona to everyone. I know he is still on his sabbatical, so by now must be nearing living on the credit cards and overdraft. Lucky escape peoples, lucky escape ...oh another lucky thing for me
An interesting couple of conversations have come up about him from friends of hs family. One mentioned that they feel that h has been emotionally damaged by his dads behavior towards him when his dad left his mum (basically left his mum and move in with another woman when h was 11, he had more children with her and completely ignored h and his brother, resulting in them losing touch) h rarely talked about it, but what he did tell me was very sad. The other thing was an older gen friend feels that h is having a breakdown or is heading towards one and that h's parents are very worried about him. Its interesting that the first time he left it was "one of those things", but this time, people are now questioning his actions.
I have remained in my solitary retreat from the world, I am sociable at work, but outside of it I stay alone, I read, craft, watch tv or go for a walk. I have found that as I am unable to fill the void with activities and other people, I am forced in to looking at everything in my life, all the things that need tending to but I have avoided by filling my days with other things. Its been really good therapy for me, I am learning to be alone, learning to be ok and content with this. I have been reflecting on lots of different things in my life, including my "rosy" marriage and H, which turns out, actually, its wasn't so rosy and I did not like a lot of the things h did, just lived with it and accepted it.
My parents, now that is a biggy to let go of, but I realise, that I as a child, their child, I did not know their history really, the nitty gritty of their upbringing, the things that happened to them as children and adults. I talked to my godmother who knew them both and she told me as much as she could remember. I was oblivious to the pain and hurt that they went through in their individual lives. It does not excuse them for the way they treated me, but it does explain everything.
As for me right now .....I am ok, I am not happy, but I don't expect to be yet. I forget sometimes that this has only been weeks and not months or years, it feels like a lot longer than it is since he left again. I am content, I allow the tears to flow ...which does not happen every day anymore, in fact I think NYD was the last time .... I know that this will take time and I need to give myself that time to adjust and find my own way. I keep being reminded of this saying "no one knows what will happen around the corner" and that is so true, we wake up in the morning and have no idea how the day will unfold, so I hope that one day something truly fantastic will happen and it will change my life forever ....in a good way.
It may be tonight with my lucky lotto numbers lol.
Love and hugs to everyone, you are all amazing, strong and brave people, never forget that.
LouR - I really liked reading this. I like hearing about the "you" who is getting comfortable in her own skin.
Good luck in the Lotto. I didn't win the big prize - it went to someone in Quebec but perhaps I won one of the more reasonably sized ones.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I did not win either, so its back to work on Monday. No one won the jackpot here so it will roll over to Wednesdays draw.
According to a psychic I saw (cheaper than counselling and you come out feeling so much better about yourself!) I buy a house and seeing as currently I don't have enough savings to buy a garden shed let alone a house, I will either need to win on the lotto or inherit, neither of which seems likely I grant you, but they are both possibles so who knows .......
You forgot one other option...meet a wealthy man who will jump through hoops for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Ba ha ha ha ha, I think it more possible I will win the lotto or find ambergris than your option happening job. But unlikely as it is, it is still possible, so therefore will be added to the list.
I'm glad I could make you laugh a bit. I hope you are doing well.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My job is going ok, I have just completed my 6 day roster week so I am bit tired, but it keeps me busy and gives me a break from my mind. I am a bit concerned they don't seem to replacing staff as they leave, we now have one gone on maternity and my shop student is due to leave in 3 weeks time and so far no sign of replacing her, so it may be me, myself and I soon.
I went to the beach for a sunset picnic with a g/friend in the week, it was a really lovely evening and nature did not disappoint and produced a beautiful sunset for us.
I have not found anywhere to live that I can afford yet, I am trying hard to remember that while I am living where I am I am saving money. I still have $3.5k to go before I am back to where I was before H arrived, I kick myself that I allowed this to happen, totally went blind to past mistakes in that moment. A harsh lesson to learn and one am paying for now.
On the subject of money, I had a bit of knock back this week. I made an appoint with my bank to discuss Mortgages for the future. I had worked out that if I live like a hermit for the next 3-4yrs and save save save, together with my goal amount and government schemes for first time buyers I would have a really decent deposit for a house, in fact nearly 30% of the house I want to buy, which I felt was good. But it seems that is not the case. What I can currently raise as a mortgage would not buy me anything near what I want, what I can get is the worst house, in the worst street, in the worst suburb - no exaggeration here. What I need to be earning to get me what I would like is so far away from realistically possible for me it was a real stomach sink moment. On top of that, because I was named on houses that h and I bought when we were together I am technically not a first time buyer, despite no longer being with h and this would be my first home as a lone buyer, so I may not meet the criteria for the early release of my government retirement scheme that I pay in to, which would have been to make up my deposit amount. Typical.
I have sat quietly with this latest news for a couple of days now. I know that its out of my control, it is what it is. But I feel like its another twist in the knife from h and his selfish actions. I had a home, he took it away from me. What is worse is that I look back and think about how my mother left me enough money to buy a home outright, so I would always be safe and have a roof over my head, and my blindness, my weakness in not being able to stand up to h, scared he would leave me, has seen me loose it all. And in the end, he has left me and I have survived. This indeed has been a very hard and harsh life lesson. I feel so sad and low, looking at what I had to what I am now having to live like - how is it that I am being punished while he is out there living his dream ....I know, I know, he probably isn't, just portrays that he is.
Which leads in to H - 10 weeks, nothing from him, I don't expect it after how things were left. Part of me wants him to start off a conversation and open communication again, but the other part of me is content being away from his life and what is happening in it; do I really want to know ....no I don't, it will just hurt as it will be happy and rainbows, the stuff he wants me to hear. That or he will do the "woe is me" act tying to get me to feel sorry for him. Neither option I like, so it is best he does stay dark. This is the longest he has gone without contact, after the first BD and before his "help me" phone call, the longest he went without contact was a couple of months.
I am not sure what direction I am going in anymore. Slightly demoralized about the house thing, I had set myself up to achieve that goal so was a high sinking to a big low in one conversation. Travel is still on the cards and more possible if I give up the house idea, but seems like I runners up prize at the moment.
Generally life is quiet, I am putting the staples into it - a job, a roof over my head and transport. So why does it feel like the universe is against me, be nice to catch a break.
Hi Lou, glad to see an update from you and it sounds as though life is moving along. I'm sorry about the mortgage disappointment - ugh. I understand how you must feel looking back at your higher standard of living, and how much your H's decisions have impacted on that.
You are one of the best I know at picking up and moving forward and I am sure you will do this again. I hope you can come up with a plan to get a cosy place in an area you like - even if that's in the slightly longer term. My house is small - two bedrooms, a lounge and kitchen - and I've decided I like it that way - less to clean - less stuff - it's all that I need really.
Your beach evening sounds lovely (on a cold January evening here) and I hope you have some more nice plans going forward.
Take care Lou xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
