The only reason h is still here is because I won't let him go until he has sorted out the mess he has created by coming back. The last thing to deal with is the sale of the caravan and then he is free to drive off in to the sunset to start his happy shiney new life ....again .....
H is delivering the caravan to its new owners today. He won't be back until late tonight, I am enjoying the calm in the house. He has been really off since yesterday, I know he wants to get gone now, he has not mentioned when or spoken of his leaving at all since he told me he has "checked out of the relationship" and this time around I have not asked him any questions relating to leaving at all, which is making it awkward for him as he is struggling to start conversations, especially conversations he does not want to have .....its quite amusing to play this little game with him. Perhaps I will wake up one morning and he will be packed and gone lol.
Yesterday h lost his wedding ring (its a substitute one that he bought for work years ago so not to damage his real one), it has become too big for him and it frequently comes off. Anyway, back to the story; he lost it and got himself in a tizz trying to find it, retracing his steps from when he remembers having it on last, he looked around the garden, then he took the bedroom and bathroom apart and finally went back to the garden and was on his hands and knees looking in the flowerbeds and lawn. All this time I was thinking "whats the bother, you will be taking it off soon anyway, it means nothing to you", but I helped him look anyway ......not very hard I admit ....he found it on the lawn, must have come off when he was lying in the garden chair. It did amuse me at his concern that he had lost it though, the logic and irony of it!!
Nothing has come up of the job front as yet. I should get my share of money from the van in a couple of days, so hopefully I will be able to find a cheap runaround car fairly quickly as once he has gone I won't have transport so need to get that sorted out for work. My g/friends in the UK have been great, not one "I told you so" which I love them for. I miss them terribly, especially at times like these. My NZ g/friends have disappeared, that's a bit sad, but they do say you always find out who your true friends are at times like these.
I do know this is for the best and having this experience has squashed the fantasy in my head of reconciling and living happy ever after with him, which will hopefully help me move forward with my own life. I have also come to see how far I have come since BD1 as I have handled this time around so much better and am less daunted by the prospect of starting again and being on my own. I do feel loneliness and I think that most likely made me push forward with getting back together quicker than I should have, so that is something I need to be aware of in myself, ask myself what is driving the decisions I am making.
Right now its about holding it together until he leaves.
So today the caravan money was paid in the bank. H said to me " would you like to go and look at cars for you today?" -
Me - "um, no thanks, I have not thought about budget yet" (which is a lie, I have and s19 is helping me source a car)
H - "oh, ok then. What jobs have you applied for?" So I told him and he replied "your underselling yourself, you know you are better than that"
M - holding myself together, duct tape at the ready .."true, but I need to have an income so anything is better than nothing right now" (In my head i'm saying "a$$hole, beggars can't be choosers, your lying a$$ put me in this position")
So by this point I have had enough; enough of the Mr Nice guy, laughing and joking around like nothing is wrong with what he is doing, its all perfectly normal to suck the person you supposedly love in and then chew them up and spit them out again, nothing wrong with that at all. So I said "now the caravan is sold, you don't have to stay around if you don't want to", h replied " yeah, I think I may leave in a few days. I don't really know where I am going to go or what I am going to do" ...??!!!Seriously, this just goes to show you how messed up their heads are, he has had two weeks to work all this stuff out, it was his idea in the first place, I did not remember him being this vacant last time, but looking back, yep he was just as bad. I would not be surprised if he decides in the middle of the night he is leaving right then, CRAZY is right.
I am trying to remain friendly and engaged, its becoming harder each day he is here. I see the absolute madness in what he is saying, doing and wanting and I don't want to be a part of it. He really needs to go and destroy his own life and leave me be.
I know my life is going to be hard and I really do struggle with loneliness. I am worried very much about finding a job again, but I know once I have one things will settle for me a bit. I also know that I don't want him in my life as he is, he makes me feel small and I know that I am not myself when he is around me. I need to reclaim me.
You're smart and literate, don't be afraid to apply for a variety of jobs. Meanwhile, find ways to get out of the apartment in the evenings, even if it's just going out to a movie by yourself, or attending a free public lecture.
Hi Lou, reading your posts above, I wonder if your H may have said all of that and then may not really want to go? He seems to be dragging his feet a little I think. And I agree it is madness to want to leave a lovely person like you for....nothing really. It does show how confused his thinking is - especially being so concerned about the ring.
You have plenty to offer a future employer, so I agree with your H on that one - though food has to be put on the table of course. Try not to worry, but get going with your plans to seek jobs. I work in HR and I think it is best to target a smallish number and put effort into each application. Also, would you consider agency working for a short while? Sometimes, just getting a foot in the door is enough and firms don't want to lose someone the have seen, liked, tried and tested.
I agree with KML on the loneliness too. For me, I find it works well to have plans every other night or so. I'm quite happy to have a quiet night in if I was out last night and I'm out tomorrow night - but I find a run of nights in start to get a little depressing. For that, flexible GAL can be helpful too - like gym visits and so on - where you can choose to go somewhere alone if you want to get out for a bit.
Anyway, I'm pleased to read that you seem to be in a good place at least and I'm sure you'll move forward positively from this.
Take care Lou xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi luv .. So .. here we are, eh? This thought just came to me so take it with a grain of salt - what if you approached this job search the way we tell our kids to approach college applications: have three categories: the "reach," the "will probably get in," and the "safety" ... that way, you aren't entirely selling yourself short, but you are also hedging bets because you need to survive.
You will you know, survive ... and more. You will thrive.
I'm glad you are seeing things clearly and are thinking about what is important to YOU ... I'm sad that you feel you cannot be yourself around him, but it's not surprising giving everything he's done. I like your plan of reclaiming yourself. I think you don't need to wait for him to be gone to start to do that and in fact think it is better all around for you to start to do that today, while he is still here. Let him see the real you, Lou ... let him eat his crazy MLC heart out.
Sotto is absolutely right about the temp positions- I've found my best jobs that way. You and the employer get to test each other out before commitment. Wishing you the best and sending love and hugs ... it may not be as hard as you think this go round babe {{{{{{{ xoxoxoxo }}}}}}}}
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thank you kml, Bright, Sotto and bttrfly, you speak words of wisdom and truth.
Originally Posted By: Sotto
Hi Lou, reading your posts above, I wonder if your H may have said all of that and then may not really want to go? He seems to be dragging his feet a little I think.
In the fantasy world it would be nice to think this. It would be lovely to think that he is understanding what him leaving means; the loss of his best friend, the one who was there for him when his life turned to custard, supported him, was patient and understanding while he took time to sort out his feelings and thoughts. I am the one he can have a laugh and jokes with, who gets him, who knows him. This is the person he is about to walk away from and never see or speak to again, never have in his life again ..... but reality is, this is depression and the most likely answer for why he is dragging his heels is that he genuinely has not thought about what he is going to do and where is going to live as it has not entered his head. His head is void of all feeling and thought. To me the reason he is not feeling for me what he thought he would. This has been two weeks for me, but from taking to him in the past I know that time feels different for him so for him its probably only been a couple of days.
He does make noises about leaving. The roof box is now on the car and he has discussed with s19 how to secure it better, so leaving his in his thoughts somewhere. I feel it could be Monday, but thats just guessing.
There may be an element of his sabatical being over for him, that leaving here and his extended holiday means going back to the real world of working, earning and building a new life (which he has no clue what he wants or who with). So its possible he is dragging his feet because he does not want to return just yet.
Originally Posted By: Sotto
Also, would you consider agency working for a short while? Sometimes, just getting a foot in the door is enough and firms don't want to lose someone the have seen, liked, tried and tested.
I have tried agencies before, I joined two. I only got a couple of last minute waitress jobs out of it. Unfortunately I am classed as unskilled on their books, if I have office experience or some other useful skill then I would be ok, but I don't. I don't have what they require here. This is the big downside of being trusting of a person who says they will look after you forever if you be a stay at home mum and housewife .....you end up at the bottom of the work class at 46.
Thank you for the idea though.
Originally Posted By: Sotto
I agree with KML on the loneliness too. For me, I find it works well to have plans every other night or so. I'm quite happy to have a quiet night in if I was out last night and I'm out tomorrow night - but I find a run of nights in start to get a little depressing. For that, flexible GAL can be helpful too - like gym visits and so on - where you can choose to go somewhere alone if you want to get out for a bit.
Right now I am transportless (I know, my doing), so getting out of where I am living is difficult and will be even more difficult once he has gone and I no longer have access to his car. I try to get out, I walked to the library yesterday just to get out of his space, today I am meeting a g/friend who is visiting in the area and on Monday I have been invited out for coffee. I also have my last assignment on the go. To be perfectly honest, GAL is the last thing I want to do right now, I just want to crawl under a rock and not allow the world into my space, my emotions and being have taken a huge hit with a second rejection, and this rejection is more profound as he really did suck me in with all his niceties and then spat me out. I'm over feeling a freak and a fugly, rejection from him twice, rejection from friends, rejection from work, its not great for the soul huh.
Oh goodness, listen to me, on a right downer! I'm fine, really I am. I have a bed to sleep in, two lovely boys with beautiful hearts and enough money in the bank to feed myself. Life could be so much worse.
I think you hit it on the head about your H dragging his feet. What I imagine is that he is not thinking straight, feeling much, just wandering aimlessly through each day with no goal or purpose but to finish the task at hand. Thoughts are short term, not long term, nothing is thought out more than 5 minutes at a time. Does that sound about right? It's so hard to understand how they think this way and so obvious there is something not right. I consider it a blessing that we can recognize that and see it for what it is, which has nothing to do with us!
You are in control here. You decide how much you will take, how you will take it, you decide how much you let H into your space, and how much you don't. I am sure it's hard to see the power you have here, with him doing this once again, but you sound like you are getting your grounding back. Hang in there Lou.
I am praying that good things come your way. (((Hugs))) M
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
