Lou - in my own (very mild) depression I was repulsed by my h. One day, literally, out of the blue, I looked over at him and once again thought he was very attractive. Had he changed? Absolutely not. My depression was lifting. To this day I have no idea why I found him unattractive.
I agree that it hinges on him and his ability to work through his depression.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Thank you j2O, I don't take his comments about why he is leaving to heart, they are rubbish and untrue. He came out with what he needed to to justify why he is leaving. If lack of sexual attraction is all he could come up with and in all other areas I am perfect, then I am very happy with that, because the last time he left he went into assignation of everything about me and our r mode.
HaWho, thank you for your words, it is very helpful to hear from someone who has suffered from depression themselves. We are blessed here to have that insight from you, so thank you for sharing your personal struggles with us.
H does seem intent on finding "his one" so will no doubt will take little time to seek her out, so even if he does come through this and see the light I am not sure I will want him back knowing he has had another relationship or even just physical encounters with what could be several other women. It was hard enough getting myself past the last one, despite her being a crazy woman with issues.
So its back to trying to move along with my own life and let him go on his merry way again and leave him be. This time it will hopefully be a bit easier as I was only really getting to grips with the end of the grieving stages before he re entered my life again.
I have been keeping up on your sitch, not really knowing what to say, everyone is giving you great advice.
I hate this has taken the turn it has for you, I am sending love and hugs your way.
One thing I have learned through this is that this is about them, not us. There must be something very off, your H is very lost and quite selfish for doing this once again.
I admire your choice to stay friendly, it will sting him in the a** someday. I admit, it's a big reason I am friends with my H. It's good you are slowing down, not pushing yourself and going at your own pace. Be good to yourself.
I wish I had some great advice or message for you, you have been there for me so many times.....I'm just feeling in a place now, where I think at some point, it's best for us to just move on and leave them be. Not very positive or inspirational, I know, but.....we can only be drug along on their path for so long.
It's time for Lou to start herself a new life, to look in the mirror and accept that you have been on one heck of a ride and you made it through a better and stronger person. You raised loving boys and you will be there for each other. That's a lot to be proud of, please see that, what is real in front of you, and not the foggy mess going on in your H head. Choose to live in the real world, see yourself for the amazing person you are, smile, laugh, enjoy the things you love......and leave H to crazy train.
((((Hugs)))) M
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Yeah Lou......focus on your life. You have no control over what he does, but you DO have control over your own life. Don't wait around for him, he can catch up later if he's really sincere. Just get on with YOUR life, find joy and happiness.
Hi Lou, if you think about what your H was saying six weeks ago, and what he is saying now - things change and I do believe there is always hope if you choose to stand for your M. I agree, not in the immediate short term, but who knows in the longer term?
I understand what you are saying about 'the one.' Fact is, many MLCers take a look around the office over a period of a week and choose that person! Then wonder why things turned out so badly in the end?? I can't imagine being attracted to a guy who is in 'that place.' Really, I think all my alarm bells would go off and I would start back tracking.
Anyway, it sounds as though you are doing well - sad, but grounded too. I look forward to hearing about your new plans and how you will move forward to a richer life. I agree it sounds like a better plan to seek new work as the old job was rough on you physically. I'm rooting for you anyway Lou and hoping for brighter days ahead.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I think we stand by letting go. I think we stand by dropping the rope. I think we stand for OURSELVES by saying, enough. Time to focus on me.
I'm sorry this has happened, but very grateful you have more tools to deal with it than the first time this happened. It is the MLCers journey. We don't need to ride along.
I'm glad you are stepping back and thinking about what you want in your life. We are here for you. I wish I had more to say or give, but that's about all I've got my dear. sending love and support xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thank you all, and Westo, thanks for the hugs, I love Wales
So nothing much to say today. h still here, still hold ups with the caravan sale so the farcical living situation continues.
Boys are doing ok, s22 has not spoken to his d since he found out and h is winding s19 up, interfering in his life which is not going down well. I stay quiet, I am not getting involved, if he wants to destroy what little he has left then that's up to him.
h is his usual confusing and frustrating self today: funny, charming and considerate. He went out this morning to get his haircut and whilst waiting in the queue he started texting me, just silly jokey stuff .....does this guy not understand what "I'm leaving you" means ??!! He got home and crept up behind me, grabbing me to make me jump, I spun around and he had a cheeky grin on his face - again, does he not understand the what "i'm leaving you" actually means ??!! So then we go for a walk with the dogs, more chatting and more and finding the funny side of things. This afternoon he went for a run, I did not notice (more like I'm not bothered) about how long he had been out, when he rang to say he is sorry is he running late but s19 rang to ask for a lift in to town to pick up his car.
If this is how he was when he left ow I can quite see how she got so confused as to whether he was really leaving her or not, it is not clear or obvious in any way, and whilst I know he is going and he intends to as soon as the van is sold (I am under no delusion that its over and he s leaving ....again ...) it would be very easy (If i did not know the MLC crazy) to think that he will say at any moment "actually I have been thinking and your right, I have not given us enough time, so I would like to stay if that's ok with you" -
If anyone saw us and did not know that he has just smushed our marriage back into the ground, they would have thought we were an enviable devoted couple lol. I hope one day he will look back and remember this as being what he walked away from .......
Think I may take up acting, because I am getting really good at playing the bubbly friendly, supportive, understanding woman .....I feel an Oscar coming on he he.
On the Me front, I failed my last assignment sigh, not surprised, wasn't my finest attempt. I get to re submit so I have been working on it today. I have one assignment left to finish the course. I can't think of anything I want to study next year, nothing excites or interests me, not enough to get into debt with a student loan for anyway, so whilst this has been really good for me to do and show me that I am far more capable than I thought I was, which has given me an ego boost, I think study is not on the list of "to do" next year.
Feel its going to be a year of calm and solitary after a few years of stormy waters.
Lou, I swear I live in the same bizarro world with my H. The last R talk we had a few months ago, he basically reinstated his doubts that we could ever work this out, and I finally dropped the rope. Since then, contact has become more, he is friendlier than ever, he is reminiscing a lot lately, and just suggested today that we should go to Lake Tahoe for Thanksgiving and have honeybaked ham, like we used to do.
I don't know the answer to the behavior, I have actually been wondering if my H may be a bit mentally ill? Lol, but seriously, it can be very confusing, unless you have the experience under our belts that we do. It rolls off me, and it sounds like the same with you. It's pretty twisted, I would love to hear what some of the vets have to say about it. I think of how my old therapist had described my H....he held up one hand waving me to him, while holding the other up to hold me back.
Stay strong and grounded Lou. I very much hope you have some calm in your future. I know my calm has saved me, to a point where I refuse to give it up.
Xxoo M
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
I have been where you are, and I know it isn't good. Here is what I have learned.
Your husband will behave like this if you let him. It is up to you. They are manipulative, without conscience and skilled at getting what they think they want.
How clear do you want to be to him that this behaviour is not acceptable to you? If he wants to go he should go NOW, and no ifs or buts. What he does is his problem, not yours. No need to be 'nice'.
It isn't closing the door, but it is showing him the way out firmly. It will not reduce your chances of getting back together.
Have you made it clear that you find his behaviour disrespectful? Because if I were your husband I would think 'I am getting away with this'(again)
Quote:
I hope one day he will look back and remember this as being what he walked away from .......
I know that is what you hope, but that is not how their minds work, I believe. What he is internalising is that he can do this and it is still OK.
What you are internalising is more bad and hurtful memories by having him remaining in your space. And it is your space. Space you invested in to try and be together. He changed his mind, not you, and so he walks.
I am not suggesting a confrontation, and I know you are in survival mode right now, but who put you there?
Would it be possible to say what you want and what works for you?
I am not anti reconciliation, but we can turn ourselves inside out trying to be reasonable. And all you are doing is storing up some horrible memories, not laying down good ones.
Moving on with your life starts today.
I may sound unsympathetic, but I have dealt with a MLCer for a very long time. One who even now tries periodically to manipulate me. The first sign you will know he is coming out of it is when he puts someone else first above himself on a consistent basis. They are only nice when it serves their ends while in MLC.
