I absolutely agree with you all and overnight I could have written what job wrote with how I have been thinking about all of this.
He certainly is not done, his actions and words have screamed of the first time he left and I was already feeling the pressure from him to be someone I am not.
I feel he popped his head out the tunnel for a while and saw that his troops (me and the boys) were heading off, so he panicked and set about gather us all back together and putting is where he wants us to be. The only thing he has not worked out about doing this is that the first time around he smooshed us in to the ground before he left and we took a long time to pick ourselves up before we started wandering off, thus not getting very far away. This time we are already standing and know and are ready to start moving forwards, so by the time he re emerges from the tunnel next time (if he does) we will be long gone out of sight.
I have learnt my lesson, I fell for the biggest MLC trick in the book, I wont be falling for it again. If and I do mean a big IF he comes out of this and to be back in my life again then he will be having to move mountains for me, I am not going to put myself through this rejection and heartbreak again, this is twice now, enough is enough.
I have not closed the door on us, I don't think I ever will. Despite everything he has said and done I still saw glimpses of the old him, the caring, loving and fun him that I love so much. Its tragic that he is lost in the world he is in but its time for self preservation and moving on to find peace within my own life.
S22 has taken the news badly, he was not happy I allowed h back in to my life again and has pretty much said he wants nothing to do with him anymore - I hope that in time that will change, but that is for h to repair not me. S22 rang me yesterday and invited me to go stay with him for a couple of weeks to have some time away to get my head sorted, which was really sweet of him. He said " you have always looked after me, now let me look after you", made me cry bless him. S19 has said I can stay with him until I get myself sorted out again, so I am not homeless and have breathing space to get a job so I can rent a flat. In absolute desperation I know I can go back to the place I used to work at, but that really would be desperation level as one of the good things that has come out of this (and there are actually good things) is that it gave me the excuse and courage to leave my job that I really despised.
Another good thing is that it has helped me move forwards.
Lou - coming in late on this conversation, but through all of this, just make sure that all that he has said does not taint your view of yourself.
Clearly, he still hasn't learned what love is.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Thank you and yes I know. Its is easy to say to myself "whats wrong with me, am I really that undesirable", but I know that its really him that has the issues, I haven't changed in to anyone else, I still look and sound like me.
Right now he wants a submissive women who he can control and manipulate into his way of thinking, but he also wants a non submissive person who is independent, not clingy and has a mind of her own .....good luck to him finding that impossible combo! I think at the top of his list is she must be a sex goddess and have him feel horny and wanting her every second of the day whooohoooooo lol.
I am so thankful that I found this site when I did and have learnt all I have. He has been re writing history - namely our sex life ...which has apparently been non adventurous and going through motions for years ...funny, but this is the first reference I have heard of this complaint .... and just so happens to fit his purpose for why he is leaving this time .... so I take it with a pinch of salt as I know different. Perhaps we have entered into parallel universes? ha ha.
S22 rang me yesterday and invited me to go stay with him for a couple of weeks to have some time away to get my head sorted, which was really sweet of him. He said " you have always looked after me, now let me look after you", made me cry bless him. S19 has said I can stay with him until I get myself sorted out again, so I am not homeless and have breathing space to get a job so I can rent a flat.
What good boys you have raised!
My youngest hasn't spoken to his father in a year - nothing to do with me really, just issues between the two of them that came to a head in a big argument (although it doesn't help my ex's case that he apparently said some not nice things about me in the middle of their argument). My son expects to someday reconcile with his dad although he finds his life less stressful right now without his dad's negativity in it. My ex, who SHOULD be the adult parent in the relationship and attempt to repair the breach, has done almost nothing to try to reconcile.
Let your son have his experience. He has a right to be unhappy with his father and to make his own decisions.
Meanwhile - time for you to FLY my dear. Get some poster board and make a vision board of the things you want in your life - all the positive lovely stuff - and put it somewhere that you will see if every day. I really believe this kind of visualization works.
(I once wrote a list of 100 life goals, part of an exercise in a book. Years later I found it. Much to my surprise, one of the things I wrote was to play in a band. 10 years later, I had learned to play the drums and was playing in a band! I did NOT remember even thinking a thing about it in the past!)
Your sons are so amazing, Lou! I think you should let S22 take care of you for a bit - not that you need taking care of but I think HE needs to feel like he's doing something to help you.
I think you need to take a deep, deep breath now my love and think about what you'd like to do for your next job and for the next little bit. As for right now all you have to do is breathe and don't buy into the revisionist history. Seems like you're very clear on what reality was and is so that's positive.
Lou, you have so very much going for you. I'm so sorry this is happening again but I'm so proud of your positive attitude. You see it clearly and most importantly you are not buying into it. Well done my girl! Keep posting and know we are all here for you and love you. xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Lou - I forgot to mention that yes, you have indeed raised good, good boys! The world will thank you for your contribution.
The real problem with the live-in MLCer is that they (completely) lack empathy and they have loose lips to boot. So you end up hearing all sorts of garbage. And it trash.
And boy does your h remind me of mine. Last year, I heard a LOT of what you just heard. And then, just to hammer it all home he wrote it all in a letter! His list of "demands" were ridiculous and immature. Trust me, I could have easily sent him a letter in kind just to point out that he is not Michelangelo's David.
Having gone through the same ordeal just one year ago, just remember: when someone hands you that kind of a grenade you don't hold on to it for one second. You put it all back on him.
I assume your phone is not ringing off the hook with calls from Calvin Klein asking for your h to model in a speedo? Talk about zero self awareness. And of course, his ideal is unreasonable. What if this perfect woman falls ill and cannot maintain that perfect figure? And what if HE falls sick and HIS appearance alters. Hogwash all of it.
Release all of that junk and move forward full tilt.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I do not think your story is finished just yet. I think he'll attempt to reconnect w/you again and if he does, make him do the hard work to woo you back...if you are still available.
What makes you think that he is not done with me? When he is leaving knowing he feels no "sexual desire" for me, won't that remain with him now? I am sure that he will always love me in a deep history kind of way, but I can't imagine how he could possibly realise that I offer him the full package he is seeking once he has left me for the second time.
There are a number of MLCers that come back and have false reconciliations w/their spouses and leave again because of that loss feeling of sexual desire. Besides the fact he wasn't truly ready or should I say baked up to return home. The panic set in when he thought you and your family were moving on and doing very well w/o him in it. So, he ran back to you w/o doing the necessary hard work.
He's leaving again and you are still on friendly terms. You had a good marriage and a lot of years today and you have two sons together. So, you will most likely remain in contact throughout the years and eventually, he's going to see the light that you were actually the woman he truly wanted and still wants. Keep in mind, he's still in replay and he's got a lot of depression going on. The depression is what is tainting his sexual attraction towards you. That depression fog has to lift and it's going to be a while before that happens. At some point, he's going to want to try again...but that decision will be up to you. I am going to give you this advice...do not take him back so quickly next time. He has a lot of difficult work to do on himself and he needs to win you back on his own. If he wants to come back, make him do the work and don't put the welcome mat out so quickly.
I also suggest that you not be so readily available when he contacts you. Sure it's nice to chat, but this time...make him do the work totally. Don't call him to chit chat unless it's an emergency. He needs to realize that you aren't going to be there for him and that you aren't going to be waiting around on him any longer.
If and when the depression lifts, that's when he's going to realize what he's lost and that's going to be a while. Until that time, live your life for you. Don't wait on him, make your life your own and if he does want back, he'll do whatever it takes to get you back.
For now, keep the focus on you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Lou - sorry I've not been keeping up with you but feel like I am posting at the perfect time - You are going to have a start a new thread. Metaphorically and literally I am very excited to see that happen for you.
You know my threads have been titled with "reality" so in that vain (metaphorically and literally) here goes:
BE BENEVOLENTLY SELFISH!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes completely self involved and self focused. Fall completely in love with yourself and do not apologize about focusing all your energy, time and resources on self care. Embrace a selfish attitude in a benevolent way.
Keep your heart big and open for the people who support your self-oriented lifestyle. Selfishly surround yourself with things that bring you good feelings or thoughts. Selfishly invest your time and efforts in what is important to you. Use that big, beautiful, benevolent selfish attitude to create world where you are the star of the show.
Job is wise and hope is a beautiful emotion. You do not have to jettison hope but put it on the back burner. Let your sons give you refuge. Accept that refuge without apology just show them your benevolence by being you.
Hug when you want to. Cry when you want to. Spend every second in selfish pursuit of your own life. It is okay and it will strengthen your heart no matter what happens.
MWD is more diplomatic but GAL is all about taking care of yourself. Job is more therapeutic but the message is the same.
My heart is aching because you deserve so much more than H is capable of offering you. I honestly question if he will ever be able to communicate and cherish you in a mature relationship. MLC is definitely a condition but our society has begun to condone it as we live longer and pursue instant gratification.
I'll post on your new thread. Lou - you've got this and your boys know that as well. Look in the mirror and selfishly love the person you see with unapologetic benevolence.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
