In my opinion, for what it's worth, it's time for you to get a lawyer and get your financial stuff in order. Then start kicking @ss DB style (GAL, 180s etc). You'll feel better once you start getting control of the stuff that you have control over.
Have you thought about getting a DB coach? It may or may not save your marriage but at least they can guide you in doing everything you can to help yourself get through this.
My marriage is in a friendly limbo right now. I have no idea if I'm still heading towards a divorce, but at least I know I've doing everything I can to save my marriage.
After ever session I always felt 100 percent better than I did before the call. If my finances were better I would hire a DB coach again.
M 55 W 52 MR 32 T 34+ D29 BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email) No EA/PA August 23 - DB used against me in every way Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
Thank you for your replies. I know I'm making mistakes. I don't even know if I want my marriage back. I just am having a hard time being in limbo. This started two years ago and if it ended then, maybe I would of healed a little? I don't know. I can't seem to end the marriage myself. I'm afraid with everyday I let this continue, she is getting advice from a lawyer or someone and might get the upper hand in the divorce. When I try to move on, she calls me or wants to talk and I'm knocked down. I know I'm not good at faking a positive attitude. I just want sometimes to walk out on everything and give me a few years by myself. Maybe I'll recover? But seeing her almost everyday and dealing with my son is overwhelming.
Thank you again for your replies. I know in the end it's up to me and how much more I'm willing to put up with. Where is my self esteem? Why do I let someone treat me like this? I need to be ok with myself, alone. But right now I'm not. But I have to be. I am alone. At least in this decision, I am alone.
She doesn't want to divorce you, she wants to be a cake eater. If she wanted the divorce you'd be divorced. It's not that hard. The best thing to do to a cake eater is take their cake away. YOU need to flip the script on her. She has you wrapped around her finger.
Don't yell at her again. Don't let her get a rise out of you at all. Spend less time around her. Tell her she needs to stay home and be a mother because you have plans. Don't just say it, make plans. Your best chance with this is to flip the script. Stop pursuing, start living....without her. Get in great shape. Smile. Be happy with your daily plans, not with her. Be attractive to her. Positive in-shape people are attractive. Needy clingy partners that yell a lot and cry a lot are not attractive.
Detach and do some serious GAL for yourself. Plan really fun family events for you and the kiddo without her. Seriously...flip this script and you'll go from pursuer to pursued.
Well, she wanted to talk to me tonight and I didn't want to talk. She said she had to so I listened. She told me she confronted the OP and told her she loved him and he said he loved her and would be willing to marry her if they both were divorced. She didn't know that he loved her. She was asking me what should she do. She said if she came back to me she would be thinking about him and it wouldn't be fair to me. I told her its her decision and I can't make it for her. But there is a right choice and it's not an easy choice but there is a right and moral choice.
This is a nightmare. Why did she feel the need to unload this information on me if not just to ease her guilty conscience. Now I feel numb, but the pain is coming. I'm going to have more panic attacks. I give up. I re-read some sections in DR book and it was comforting. But this seems hopeless. She loves someone else, how can I compete with that. She hasn't had sex with him and said she won't date him till we're divorce. She's honorable in that though she's betraying our vows. I deserve this. I took her for granted so long, now someone comes along and she loves talking to him. He makes her happy. I make her sad. I give up.
I don't know how to keep going. How am I gonna go to work and concentrate. Last year there was still passion for each other though she wanted a divorce. Now there's just apathy. It's been two years of no sex and distance between us. It seems hopeless. I can't compete. How do I go on? I still have to be there for my son. I want to run away from all this. I feel if I left that might wake her up. But my son would be left behind. I can't. The idea of some man making love to her and living life with her is unbearable. But doesn't she deserve to be happy? I don't think I can make her happy.
I pray to God for a miracle. But many marriages that end in divorce pray for miracles. She looks back on the 25 years of marriage and sees nothing worth staying for. I just a doormat that she comes back to when she needs help.
Homerst - one key piece of advice that I got here and from other people. Don't compete. It's that simple.
You are not OM - I'd be willing to bet that you are nothing at all like him. You are the man that your W met, fell in love with and built a life with. Can you find that man within yourself again? From your last post I might suggest that you pick up a copy of 5 Love Languages. The moderators don't normally like us mentioning non MWD books here but this is one that pretty much everyone here who has read it has gotten some value out of it. Find out what your love languages are - how do you feel loved? Do you know how your W feels love? I would suspect probably not right now and for the last few years. People change over time. Try to discover what it is that makes her feel loved and if it is compatible with your personality start doing it and show her your love for her.
Praying to God for a miracle is helpful but (and I forget where it is written) but people often say that the Lord helps those who help themselves. God has put inside you the heart and spirit of a man who wants to love and be loved. There's the first part of your miracle already delivered.
Peace be with you my fellow voyager.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Thank you for all your advice. She's been around more often and coming home earlier. I called the court house and no papers were filed. I asked her about that and she said that the parenting plan she submitted got kicked back to her. Her lawyer said she wouldn't win with the parenting plan she submitted.
Today wasn't a good day. Well, most days aren't. I let my thoughts run through my mind. Unhealthy thoughts. It hurts so much. It's been going on so long. She really thinks life would be so much better without me, and it would be in the condition I'm in now. I don't know how to fix it even if she did come back. She's hurt me so much. I don't know how to get a life. I go to church and I have very few friends. She has a lot of friends and a support system. I suppose there is no hope for us. I just need help getting through this. I know many people go through this and they're alright in the end. She says she's too much for me. She's right.
If we didn't have a son I could walk away from this. Well, at least I think I could of. Maybe not. I don't know how I got through almost two years of this. I don't know how to face tomorrow. I know, that's very dramatic. If she would just leave maybe I would heal a little. But we just keep going around in circles. Well, she said she's gonna file after she fixes the parenting plan. Who would of thought it come to this? Ten years ago she wanted a baby so bad with me now she wants a divorce.
I got served the divorce papers 10/28/16. I called a lawyer the same day. She's asking for everything and said some things that weren't true in her statement. I guess that would be obvious. The papers were actually filed on my son's 10 birthday.
Anyway, thanks for all your positive and helpful comments.
Homerset, I'm sorry to hear this. I remember when papers arrived for me and it wasn't a nice experience. I presume you have, or will find, a L yourself and respond with due advice?
Receiving papers isn't the end of the road, but it is a new turn in your journey. Ultimately, we none of us know how things will unfold. Now then, without reading back - have you read DR and/or DB? Your recent posts are all about your W (understandable of course) but you don't get to control what she decides and does. You only get to control you and that's where the books come in.
If she has filed, I would say you are in Last Resort Technique territory, so do have a look at that and understand what that means. I think you need to start pulling away from her and making your own plans. Have you been getting out and doing new things for yourself? What are your interests that you put on hold because of your marriage? Time to think about investing in them again. Hard as it is, this is the time to start focusing on your own life and being less available to her. Let her feel what it will be like to be without you.
This doesn't mean being rude - just that you are a busy guy who isn't going to be chasing after some woman who doesn't want to be with him any more. Someone recently posted about Rhett Butler and what his attitude would be in these circumstances. Channel your inner Rhett.
Sorry for this latest development, but do keep posting - there are many wise people here who can help and support.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I went to see a lawyer today and paid the retainer. I had to write a narrative about how things have been at home. It took me four hours and was very exhausting. I'm scared I'm gonna lose a lot because the justice system is incompetent. I pray for strength to get through each day. I'm really scared though. This is crippling me financially and emotionally, pshyically draining me too. I know a lot of people go through this. Divorce shouldn't even exist. I know I'm living in la la land.
I hope this is worth it to her. I hope she finds happiness. I hope I do too. It will be hard to reconcile after this. She said some horrible things about me in her declaration statement. I forgive her, but she could do this to me later if I take her back. I don't think I could. I feel so lonely. It hurts.
