I am not sure how to do that thing where you put the previous comments into your reply.
So first off people you should be a little less freakin' judgmental. If we weren't all struggling with our marriages we wouldn't be here. Do I like the marriage I am in...hell no. You don't like yours either or you wouldn't be here trying to figure something out. So I'm trying to figure it out. If I occasionally vent a little bit to much and it is to your disliking then go ahead and throw the first stone in your little glass house.
Now...
I haven't read DR or DB. I did pick up a different book by Michele Weiner-Davis, have read the 5 love languages that the coach suggested, and different book by Gottleib that the coach suggested. I have now contacted a local bookstore to get a copy of DB. I have also scheduled a call with my coach for today.
Am I committed to this marriage? It's hard to say "yes, absolutely" when things are so miserable. We haven't hardly talked in days, tension in the air, it just [censored]. Am I ready to run out the door? Have I contacted a lawyer? No, none of that stuff. The marriage we have now...I don't want to continue. Can we build something new and different? Maybe.
Married: 15 yrs (anniversary on Aug 4th) Kids: Boy (10) and Girl (7) Age: 47
Hi. Thought I would swing by your thread and see how your doing!
I do understand where you are coming from, in that you kind of feel you want to give up, which in a way is the easier option. At least, if you agreed to separate then you may feel there was some closure or progress. But, separation and subsequent divorce etc is going take years as well.
Continuing to try to work on yourself and support your kids and wife is a good way to go for now in my opinion. I have times most days where I just want to pack it in as well, but I keep finding a ray of hope somewhere in all this mess, that maybe we can reconcile. My latest hope is following the DB Approach and doing some proper 180's.
Not sure if I can do them, but without trying, will I be able to walk away from the marriage satisfied that I did everything I could. I don't think so.
I wish you all the best in your journey, and keep on posting.
Married: 15 yrs (anniversary on Aug 4th) Kids: Boy (10) and Girl (7) Age: 47
So I had my phone a coach session today and they gave me some homework questions to ask my wife. "What frustrates her the most about me? How does she see me as a husband? What's the most painful thing I ever did?..." Those kinds of questions.
Initially, she would only talk during commercials (this was after we put the kids down). Then finally she turned the TV off altogether and we talked for a good 30 minutes or more. I don't know that anything was solved, but it was good to talk. When we talk and communicate life is better.
I still don't think either one of us has said, "I love you," since before my first post.
Married: 15 yrs (anniversary on Aug 4th) Kids: Boy (10) and Girl (7) Age: 47
I feel like I get more out of these threads than I did with 3 sessions with a coach.
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
So first off people you should be a little less freakin' judgmental. If we weren't all struggling with our marriages we wouldn't be here. Do I like the marriage I am in...hell no. You don't like yours either or you wouldn't be here trying to figure something out. So I'm trying to figure it out. If I occasionally vent a little bit to much and it is to your disliking then go ahead and throw the first stone in your little glass house.
Ive heard it said around here that if something stings, then you should really investigate within yourself why? Most likely it's true.
Glad to hear your coaching session and followup went well.
So first off people you should be a little less freakin' judgmental. If we weren't all struggling with our marriages we wouldn't be here. Do I like the marriage I am in...hell no. You don't like yours either or you wouldn't be here trying to figure something out. So I'm trying to figure it out. If I occasionally vent a little bit to much and it is to your disliking then go ahead and throw the first stone in your little glass house.
Ive heard it said around here that if something stings, then you should really investigate within yourself why? Most likely it's true.
Glad to hear your coaching session and followup went well.
Keep at it.
Completely agreed. When it stings, you need to look at it. And it definitely stung.
Juju wasn't throwing stones or being judgmental. She was giving you a chance to stop, and look within and refocus on your goal. From the outside, we can look at your complaints and it seems like anything to vilify your wife and complain about her. That often happens when we are frustrated. Frustration is understandable.
You say you are not happy in your M. So is nitpicking at your W and judging her parenting going to make it any better? No!!!!
I mean, take my advice with a grain of salt coming from a woman who had her daughter believing that really is such place as the looney bin and mom is going to go if she doesn't stop arguing with me all time.
An excellent parenting tactic? Nah. Does it make me a bad parent and an awful liar? Nah. My daughter knows I am the one who keeps her safe, loved her unconditionally and will always be there for her no matter what.
The book is still on order. I'm at the homework stage where I am trying to find positive things my wife has done. Tonight after trick or treating she let the kids stay up way too late. That's not really a positive thing as it'll be the devil getting them up in the morning. The positive of it was that when I came downstairs a little upset at the late bedtime it was nice to see what I saw.
What I saw was our daughter sprawled out on top of her mom watching Dancing with the Stars. Just sitting there cuddling with each other. My son over on one of the couches under a blanket actually engaging in conversation instead of having his head in an electronic device.
I came in and sat down and he immediately came over to sit next to me.
My wife later told me how excited they were when they got home and how it made her excited for them. That's all good stuff.
Married: 15 yrs (anniversary on Aug 4th) Kids: Boy (10) and Girl (7) Age: 47
Your mindset is interesting because you vent this criticism..."she let the kids stay up too late" only to shortly after acknowledge what a beautiful family moment was experienced. Why is that? Why do you have to fault find ? Why couldn't you come out and say, "hey I feel bad for being so upset with my wife when maybe she was right in choosing that beautiful family moment over the scheduled bed time"
By any chance would your wife feel frusturated with you for never being able to communicate an apology or admit when your wrong?
I was certainly not attempting to throw stones. Truth is, the resentment and anger and disengagement that you have for your wife is very similar to how my husband acted torwards me before he left. I can tell you , it was very traumatizing for me. I will never be able to forgive him for the way that he treated me. Kids pick up on what is being experienced by both parents, and my son was/is certainly exposed to this as well. I am sure your wife senses your resentment and withdrawal and I can tell you, it will not help your situation, only worsen it.
So while my behavior during my marriage was different from your wives, it was certainly behavior I am not proud of. And I do feel I can offer you the wife's perspective. The goal of your situation is to not really to find things wrong with your wife, it's to make for a better marriage right?
I will tell you, something that a poster told me...
There is nothing worse then divorce.
Every one loses.
You might feel like it's an easy way out and that nothing can be worse then your current situation. But the process and aftermath is horrible for all the family. It does not get easier. So while it is obvious that you do not currently love or have affection for your wife, you once did and you can choose to love her again. Because love really is a choice.
Anyway you are here but if you ever participated in sports, I'm sure you know that just showing up isn't enough. It's actually doing the work and opening up to your own faults and contributions. Being humble. Facing the ugly in the mirror.
I think zues has great perspectives on marriage and it would be great to read some of his posts. I think that reading Lims posts would also be helpful as he is working on forgiving his wife for much worse transgressions then yours.
Tonight after trick or treating she let the kids stay up way too late. That's not really a positive thing as it'll be the devil getting them up in the morning. The positive of it was that when I came downstairs a little upset at the late bedtime it was nice to see what I saw.
What I saw was our daughter sprawled out on top of her mom watching Dancing with the Stars. Just sitting there cuddling with each other. My son over on one of the couches under a blanket actually engaging in conversation instead of having his head in an electronic device.
I came in and sat down and he immediately came over to sit next to me.
My wife later told me how excited they were when they got home and how it made her excited for them. That's all good stuff.
Im glad to hear the book is on order. One of the first things MWD recommends is looking at situations with a Beginner's Mind. This means unlearning all you know about a situation and re-viewing it through a new lens. So for example, instead of seeing as you currently do, looking to find the positives in a situation.
I think this was a great success on your part. I hope that this will help with your PMA as you continue this process.
