I've been taking a breather, I came up to the mountains with my mother and brother, we've been having a blast and its just what I needed for this weekend. I don't remember the last time I've had this much fun, and it's been great.
But occasionally my mind has wondered, because today was my anniversary and I close on my house Wed, the day after we get home. The first few days were great, but last night I had some crazy dreams about my W, I can't remember the last time I dreamt and it wasn't pleasant. Then around noon (I hadn't really been thinking about us too much) she texts me that she's sorry, she had broke down and posted a memory on Facebook of our wedding video. When I saw the text around two pm, I just replied it's ok, but it took me a bit to get my mind back off of it.
I'm doing ok, I've really had a great week in the mountains and today was the only day any feelings creeped up, but I dealt with them. I'm going to bed now, cause I'm exhausted and we are leaving at 5am... Goodnight, sweet dreams (hopefully).
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
You're doing great! Your mind will create fear about the future, and make you cry about the past. But live in the present moment.
In this moment, you are neither a father or a husband. You are simply a man. Feel the moment, but don't get stuck in it, cos the next moment is around the corner.
And if you live from moment to moment then you will be happy and you will find peace. And when you do see your son, show him the unconditional love that you have, the love that transcends time and space!
But never look back. Here's lyrics of a beautiful song, it speaks to my soul and I know that it will speak to yours too...
"Towards The Sun"
[Chorus 2x:] Turn your face towards the sun Let the shadows fall behind you Tell a prayer, just carry on And the shadows will never find you
Lost in the rock and roll Got lost in a promise of a love I never know Shadows chase me far from home I remember when my heart was filled with gold
And you know I've been burned I've been burned I've been burned You see me lose control It's not worth It's not worth It's not worth My soul
[Chorus]
Lost my faith and trust You and I know gold don't turn to rust I still swear that we can reign Like the kings and queens of better yesterday
Don't you know I've been burned I've been burned I've been burned You see me lose control It's not worth It's not worth It's not worth My soul
[Chorus]
Where you gonna go Where you gonna go Where you gonna run to When you get to the edge of the night It's time you face the sky
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Ok, so where do I begin... Ok, first I've been good, Im pretty well detached from my W. I moved out the 1st of October, haven't really spoken to my my WW since then, other than about closing on the house which happened a couple of weeks ago. We've payed off all the bills and are living our separate lives, I see her occasionally at work, but don't talk. Honestly, I've had nothing to do with her, and I'm good with that. The few times I've seen her, I've given a glance, and just kept going about my day. Im much more friendly at work, I have lots of friends and she has none, so I spend time talking with people and she just walks by. I've really been enjoying myself at work.
I've also been spending a lot of time with old friends, fishing, BBQ'ng and just hanging out, as well as lots of time with family, we had a Halloween costume party where I dressed up as Ted, the teddy bear. My son didn't want to go to the party, but I text him a bunch of pictures of everyone and the decorations, and he had his mother drop him off about 2 hours after the party started, it was great that he showed up, but it made me a bit upset he showed up so late and didn't want to go at first. After the party he asked me to do something at his new place, so I went to help him, but seeing my old furniture, my dogs and him at his place kind of was like walking into my old life without me in it, so I fixed the stuff he asked me to and then I left asap, it was just too much. My WW was not home, or I would not of even gone.
So here's the part that's royally F'd up. I'm now the OM in an emotional A,. I don't know that she sees it as an emotional A, but I do and I just can't stop myself... I mentioned this girl awhile back, but there's a girl at work, she's younger and I'm completely attracted to her. At first I didn't know her R status, but after awhile found out about her getting M, about 3 weeks ago. There's nothing going on that is blatantly inappropriate, no I love you's or anything, but our communication is not something I would approve of in my marriage, there are the occasional innuendos which don't get shut down, but she does keep me at arms length. About a week ago I text her and told her that I couldn't keep talking to her sooo much, that I need to back away and focus on me (she works with me and WW and knows what's going on except for the A), she initially said ok, but then started confiding in me about all the stuff she's going through. I am having a very hard time not looking for her companionship, and she definitely gives me a big ego boost..
Jeez, what am I doing?
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Hey C, thanks for checking in. And thanks for being so open about what you're dealing with.
You know there is no one more opposed to EAs/PAs than me...but that's not because I'm naive. I understand the pull.
When I was 31 I was promoted to a supervisor position. Suddenly I ran a team of 10, and a few of them were young women 24-26. Normally I am the reclusive one that struggles with self belief. All of a sudden I was interacting with these women daily, and in a sales department where my prowess was legendary and people treated me like a celebrity because I was so good, coming to me for advice and help, etc. Add in a minor MLC and a horrible period of my marriage and it was a perfect storm.
One of these women started impacting me way too much. If you put a video camera on me there wasn't anything wrong on the outside. Nothing was said or done that was inappropriate. But I FELT it. I felt the thrill when she showed up for work. I looked forward to our interactions, or from reading an email from her. She was in my mind way too long.
It was a weird limbo, because I tried to fight it, but I didn't fully recognize it as a 911 issue because nothing was happening. It was also all one sided, I don't think she felt the way I did. But I started to realize it was a serious issue for ME. So finally one day I told my then wife, my boss, and this woman...that I was starting to be distracted at work, that it wasn't right, and that my marriage came first and that I needed to do whatever it took to preserve that. I offered my resignation and told my wife that I'd do whatever was necessary to reinvest in the marriage.
As it turned out I was able to retain my job, and oddly enough this woman even stayed on my team. It was seriously odd that once I shone a light on it, it went away. And it was never an issue again. XW was mad at me, and I never understood why, because I thought I handled it with remarkable integrity. But she was resentful, and it made our marriage worse. Maybe even contributing to the end.
Anyway, I want you to know I get it. My thoughts on it are that you can't simply tell yourself not to feel that way. Not going to happen. In my experience I wasn't in control of my feelings. But you can control your behavior.
Again, in my case I was better off shining a light on it. I'd do something similar in your case. I'd explain to her that you've been acting inappropriately and that cannot remain emotionally intimate with a newly married woman. I'd mention that if the two of you couldn't terminate these exchanges on your own, you'd be forced to contact her husband and apologize to him too, knowing this would put an end to it. I'd wish her the best and walk away.
At this point either she'd quit approaching you, in which case this would die a clean death...or I'd touch base with her husband, and talk to him about YOUR part of the issues. I wouldn't bring HER up as being a willing recipient, I would just say that I was having inappropriate feelings and while I'd never act on them it would help to put a name with the face of her husband and come clean even while there was nothing to come clean about out of respect for him. I'd tell him he was a lucky man and to take good care of her. Then I'd cut bait.
Just a couple of thoughts. Bottom line, it is VERY tough, but it has to be done.
Keep us posted and take care C.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I mentioned on my thread over I surviving how a family member of mine is having an affair with a married man. She is miserably married , and he is happily married, supposedly. It began as a work friendship such as yours which blew up into a full blown affair.
I know that ego boost feels good. I know you miss compaionship, but this is not the place to find it and I highly suggest you fully back away before you get into a situation you feel you can't walk away from.
Dude, do you really want to be the OM. Remember how you felt about your W's OM.
Right now if i learnt the girl i was chatting up with is in R i would nope the f out.
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
It's good to hear from you. I'm glad you had a great trip and a fun Halloween party.
About the co-worker, ask yourself if you would truly consider a woman who is just three weeks into her M and has already open a door to activating an A. After all, your W was in an EA, and you D her. Wouldn't it be hypocritical for you to be the OM in a like situation?
You are vulnerable, but you are not stupid. If this woman would emotionally cheat on her three week old groom.......she would cheat on you! That's just nuts.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I realize there are many points here for you to consider and must get the point by now. But you lost respect for your W for having an EA, right? Why would you have respect for a woman having an EA as a newlywed?
I know you'll do the smart and right thing. Stand tall for your convictions and find something else that feels good in the moment and is an ego boost right now if that's what you need. But not this.
You nailed it (except for the approach her H part), there's not anything there but the feeling that it is more than it should be. From the outside there's nothing inappropriate, and prior to this experience I would have just said she was a fun / good friend. I call it an EA because of how I feel, I don't know if it is EA level on her side, but we definitely talk more than a M W should, but again, nothing inappropriate has happened. It's all about how I feel about it.
In no way am I saying that our friendship is right or that I am trying to justify it, because I know that it needs to stop, and definitely will not progress. I just need to figure out the best way for me to go about backing off. If something truly inappropriate happened, then it would be easy to use that as a conduit to make big changes, but in this case it's just all about joking around and conversing less, it's about me putting the focus back on me.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
