Don't know where I belong.....

[job]

twinmom,

I echo the other posters in the fact that I do not think you were a "fix" for your h. I do think that deep down, he truly loves you and the children. Like all addictions, they are hard to break and it's possible that you've been his crutch that has allowed him to stay afloat and not hit bottom. I know you know this, but I'll say it again...many addicts won't do the hard work until they've lost everything and have hit bottom. I wish that I could offer you additional advice on your situation. I will ask just one question...has he ever considered locating a rehab facility that deals w/his type of addiction? Maybe he needs to be in a structured facility to get the proper help he needs.

I do hope that you enjoy your day at the spa. Relax, enjoy and hopefully recharge your battery today.

Take care.

[Rouky]

Hi Twinmom, how are you doing?

[twinmom]

Thank you everyone. I've had an emotional few days! The Cubs winning has brought out a lot of emotions & memories. I'm going up to Wrigley Monday to pop a bottle of bubbly on my grandmother's brick. (She was cremated so no grave site to visit)

H hasn't hit rock bottom & I know it's because I'm still here. I don't know if he will truly get the help he needs without hitting bottom. BUT, I'm so scared of taking away the stability, calmness & overall life the kids enjoy.

H has always DONE things for me, even while living with OW he would bring me coffee when picking up the kids. He would even throw in a load of laundry right after he first left.

He still doesn't flirt with me the way he did with the OW (the one he lived with). He tells me he loves me, thanks me for taking care of the kids & helping out financially but it's like he just can't bring himself to flirt with me.

[twinmom]

I feel so stuck. Sometimes I feel like running away. I see/know the pain that a WAW causes so I stay and I go through the motions of another day. I truly do not know how to make this better without causing pain to the kids.

H truly believes he is 'strong enough' to control his addiction. Is he right? Who knows, but even if he isn't cheating we aren't making our marriage better!

Right now I'm so stressed/angry/frustrated... we had to redo the kitchen because of water damage from a leaky dishwasher. New cabinets are in but because I picked quartz countertops they won't be in for another 3 weeks. I have no sink & no countertops. I refuse to cook Thanksgiving like this... well H has 4 siblings & parents who live within 25 minutes of us and my mom lives 5 minutes away. No one has offered to host! I am so angry that EVERY holiday I cook (and purchase the food) clean & host everyone but now that I can't no one will step up?!

I made reservations at a nice restaurant downtown Chicago for us. I'm nervous H will invite his family along. (We will then pay for them & I don't want to spend $$ on people who obviously don't care about us)

[j20a00g]

Can't let every thing going wrong in your life make you think you have a bad life. That negative sentiment override is kicking in and will tear you apart.

Few things:
We had a leak in the kitchen and had to redo it. It was at the worst possible time. I had just started a new job that required me to travel for training and Our oldest daughter just started walking. The leak was under the slab so we had to cut a large hole in the slab to get to it. Demolished kitchen (gutted), hole in the slab. Blowers everywhere trying to dry out the drywall, etc. you get the picture.

Truth is, I'm not sure there is ever a good time to go through that but, it did force us to get that new kitchen that we had always wanted and planned to eventually do. It was all worth it when it was done.

With regards to the family...since nobody stepped up, perhaps it would be a good time to say "due to the fact that our kitchen is being renovated, we can't host thanksgiving this year. Myself, H, and the kiddos will be going to _____ downtown for dinner this year. Everyone is more than welcome to join. Please let me know if you would like to be there so I can adjust the reservation."

Something else....if h's family didn't care, why would they voluntarily come?

[twinmom]

Can't let every thing going wrong in your life make you think you have a bad life. That negative sentiment override is kicking in and will tear you apart.

Few things:
We had a leak in the kitchen and had to redo it. It was at the worst possible time. I had just started a new job that required me to travel for training and Our oldest daughter just started walking. The leak was under the slab so we had to cut a large hole in the slab to get to it. Demolished kitchen (gutted), hole in the slab. Blowers everywhere trying to dry out the drywall, etc. you get the picture.

Truth is, I'm not sure there is ever a good time to go through that but, it did force us to get that new kitchen that we had always wanted and planned to eventually do. It was all worth it when it was done.

With regards to the family...since nobody stepped up, perhaps it would be a good time to say "due to the fact that our kitchen is being renovated, we can't host thanksgiving this year. Myself, H, and the kiddos will be going to _____ downtown for dinner this year. Everyone is more than welcome to join. Please let me know if you would like to be there so I can adjust the reservation."

Something else....if h's family didn't care, why would they voluntarily come?

If I invite to restaurant we will pay for them. They (4 siblings, plus each has a significant other, 2 nieces & MIL / FIL) have never paid for a meal out when H & I are there. They even go so far as to just pass the check to us or get up & leave.

[twinmom]

. J20a00g,

His family seems to be all about appearances. It has been 32 days since his mom saw the kids, it has been almost 5 months (Lilly's birthday in June) when any of his 4 siblings have seen the kids.

BUT if you talk to them they all go on and on and on about "FAMILY IS EVERYTHING!".

We live 25 minutes away and for the past 4+ years every time we have gotten together it has been for a birthday/holiday or my H offering to take his parents/siblings out for dinner. Not once has his mom ever just asked to come see the kids

[job]

I would say something like this: "Due to an unforeseen leak in our kitchen, we are in the middle of remodeling the kitchen and it will not be completed until after Thanksgiving. Therefore, we will not be hosting Thanksgiving dinner at our home this year. You will need to make other arrangements for the family dinner this year". Leave it at that and you don't need to tell them what your plans are. They are all grown adults and can either figure out how to bake up a Turkey or go out...but that's not your problem.

[twinmom]

Thank you, I think I will actually cut & paste that into a group text message. But I'm still stressing that H will cave & invite them to join us.

I really need to remind myself to relax & not stress over stuff that hasn't even happened yet.

I would say something like this: "Due to an unforeseen leak in our kitchen, we are in the middle of remodeling the kitchen and it will not be completed until after Thanksgiving. Therefore, we will not be hosting Thanksgiving dinner at our home this year. You will need to make other arrangements for the family dinner this year". Leave it at that and you don't need to tell them what your plans are. They are all grown adults and can either figure out how to bake up a Turkey or go out...but that's not your problem.

[Westo]

For what it's worth......I absolutely agree with Job.

Not your problem. If they want Thanksgiving dinner they can arrange it themselves.

Your kitchen is closed!