I know I don't belong in the MLC area but the other ones get so little traffic and I could really use some advice...
Backstory, About 2.5yrs ago I came here because my husband had walked out on me. I was 6 months pregnant with our third child and he had met someone else and moved in with her in a matter of two weeks. A LOT of bad things happened, he said things about me that were horrible and treated me and my older boys (from my first marriage) badly. This was his second affair during our short marriage. I also found out that our relationship started as an affair! I had no clue, and that he had cheated on his first wife (together 14 yrs) more than once. The OW kicked him out after 3 months due to him flirting with ANOTHER person via text. This happened two days after our third child was born and so he moved back in with me. Three months of he## followed where my husband lived on my couch, randomly ahowed me signs of love/affection/intimacy but cried & begged OW to take him back. I finally had enough and kicked him out. Raising five kids on my own scared me but I was done watching him cry over the OW. After just a few short weeks he "decided" he wanted our family and asked to come home. We tried a few therapists but none of them supported our efforts to try and make it work. Everytime I talked to a new therapist and explained the backstory they would encourage me to leave. Fast forward a year later and I found out he was having another emotional affair and sexting prostitutes. Even going to far as to pay for oral sex twice. I said I was done but he couldn't leave. I told him I wasn't raising five kids on my own, especially since our youngest was born with a rare genetic condition that requires a LOT of work to keep her alive... (She has Glycogen Storage Disease type 1A)
It's been almost 9 months since the sexting/prostitute stuff and I am stuck. I'm miserable, my husband desperately wants to make our family work and I just don't have the same feelings for him. From the outside our marriage looks perfect, I am close to some moms from our twins preschool and up until a month ago they had NO CLUE about any of our history. I opened up to two of them and they were SHOCKED, saying we looked like the perfect family.
We don't really fight. My husband is very conflict avoidant and I just get sad, not really angry. There are so many days I feel like I'm reliving the he## all over again. Something small triggers the emotion and I spiral out of control emotionally reliving ALL the pain.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Welcome to the MLC Forum. You are more than welcome to post here and please don't feel like a stranger. Okay? I'm going to post Cadet's Welcome Posting here for you.
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I'm sorry you are here, but we've got a lot of wonderful people posting here who will be happy to come by and visit w/you, i.e., support you, give advice and/or opinions, as well as just to talk about life in general. So, I'm going to paste Cadet's Welcome Posting here for you to begin some brand new homework. Read as much as you can about MLC and depression and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask them.
Here's Cadet's Welcome Posting: OK so that means MORE homework.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
_________________________ Me-62, D30,S28
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I know I don't belong in the MLC area but the other ones get so little traffic and I could really use some advice...
It's been almost 9 months since the sexting/prostitute stuff and I am stuck. I'm miserable, my husband desperately wants to make our family work and I just don't have the same feelings for him. From the outside our marriage looks perfect, I am close to some moms from our twins preschool and up until a month ago they had NO CLUE about any of our history. I opened up to two of them and they were SHOCKED, saying we looked like the perfect family.
We don't really fight. My husband is very conflict avoidant and I just get sad, not really angry. There are so many days I feel like I'm reliving the he## all over again. Something small triggers the emotion and I spiral out of control emotionally reliving ALL the pain.
First I want to say that you should post where ever you are going to get feedback...
It might not always be geared to your situation but that is ok. You use what you can and disregard the rest.
Triggers will keep coming unless and until you deal with them.
Your signature line says that he has gotten help with his sexual addiction...
Is he still working on that?
Do you believe him?
Trust is the easiest thing to lose and the hardest thing to regain...
Why don't you have that same feelings for your H? How would you describe how you feel towards him? And how to you believe you would like to feel about him in order to make the M work?
I know...lots of questions...
The answers, while they may change over time, are important to decide what steps to take...
People know where to find me if this is to personal of an outlet...
I will be at work this evening but will check back...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Twinmom I'm so sorry about your situation. I don't have a lot of advice, mainly because I'm not sure what exactly it is that you need advice on, is it on piecing or on handling your anger towards your H? I don't really have much experience on either, but reading the last paragraph of your post I remembered that in several books I came across the "no fighting" as a bad thing, possible bad communicating or something? Sorry I cannot remember in more detail, it was towards the beginning of my journey.
I hope someone more experienced can come along to offer support.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
I, like esame, am not sure if you are asking for input or just venting.
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
I guess I'm asking, "How do I make myself love him again?".
We live about 45min away from a large city, he has been to one meeting of a group like AA but for sex/love addicts and joins in on a conference call for this group about once a month. No therapist in our area takes it seriously. It's like he is addicted to the "first love" feeling & once that is gone he cheats/relationship hops to feel it again.
Do I believe him that he wants to make it work? I don't know, I guess I do but I'm so cautious at this point.
Do I want to make it work? Yes, but for reasons like the kids, financial, comfort of not putting myself in a new relationship.
I don't know how to see him for the person I fell in love with because that person was a lie.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
I have to say, sadly, I'm not surprised. Your H has serious problems and this is not something that marriage counseling can fix. He needs serious individual therapy and a 12 step program for sex addiction. Unless he is doing this, his claims to want the marriage are meaningless. Actions, not words.
I seem to remember you're not in the States, is that correct? Here the 12 step program is called SLAA. His chances of changing are slim, but they're pretty much zero if he's not in a program like that.
Is there really no other option than having H live there? Could he live nearby and you have a roommate or family member live with you to help out? I understand that finances are probably difficult. But it seems to me that your mental health would probably be better if you didn't have to interact with him in the same house all the time. Have you at least consulted with a lawyer to see what your finances would look like if you divorced, and checked with social services to see if you would qualify for any assistance if you were divorced?
How do I feel about him? Most days I view him like a room mate. Sometimes I feel attracted to him & desire him physically but those days are few and far between. My love language is physical touch, I crave it more than anything else. So most days I do want him to touch me but not because I love him just because I'm a "needs touching" kinda girl....
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
We are in the US. No family is willing to help with the youngest. Not even babysit.. they are "too scared" to take care of her. Family was pretty much no help even before she was born. Yes, I've had the numbers run & it's not great for me.
Originally Posted By: kml
Hi Twinmom, good to hear from you again.
I have to say, sadly, I'm not surprised. Your H has serious problems and this is not something that marriage counseling can fix. He needs serious individual therapy and a 12 step program for sex addiction. Unless he is doing this, his claims to want the marriage are meaningless. Actions, not words.
I seem to remember you're not in the States, is that correct? Here the 12 step program is called SLAA. His chances of changing are slim, but they're pretty much zero if he's not in a program like that.
Is there really no other option than having H live there? Could he live nearby and you have a roommate or family member live with you to help out? I understand that finances are probably difficult. But it seems to me that your mental health would probably be better if you didn't have to interact with him in the same house all the time. Have you at least consulted with a lawyer to see what your finances would look like if you divorced, and checked with social services to see if you would qualify for any assistance if you were divorced?
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Hi Twin, it's always good to see an old friend posting - though I'm sorry circumstances are such that you feel the need to post ((((hugs)))),
You may find BluWave's postings in Newcomers helpful - not sure if you have spotted her already? I will post some more, but I'm all dressed up as a witches cat here and about to go dancing..
Tomorrow is very busy too, but I should have some more time on Wednesday and will look in on you then. I think this is a good area to post and many wise people post here, so I hope that will be useful for you. It's good that your H is taking some steps to address underlying issues I think and seems to want to do what is needed to rebuild things...
Welcome to this part of the forum xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
