Morality Clause in D decree???

[SBJ]

Funny story...the W and I share a calendar on our iPhones. This morning she says that she needs me to take my youngest Halloween costume shopping...I told her that I was playing golf and that it was on the calendar. Felt both good and bad at the same time.

[j20a00g]

She needs you to? Why can't she?

[Rose888]

She needs you to? Why can't she?

Before asking your wife this, pause a minute and think about anything else that goes into Halloween at your house, and figure out who did it or is going to do it.

Who buys Halloween candy, decorates the house, takes the kids tick-or-treating, hands out candy at home, provides treats for classroom parties, serves a special Halloween dinner, drives kids to parties, etc.?

If all of this is divided evenly between the two of you, or you do more of it, then I think it's fair to ask why she can't get the costume.

If you realize that she does all of this, then I'd make time to get the costume.

For many women, the unfair division of the emotional and physical labor of the holidays is a big issue, even in otherwise good marriages. No need to explode that mine accidentally.

[SBJ]

The mine exploded when she filmed out D papers and rented a condo to move into. So this week I get to celebrate my birthday while my wife and kids are moving out...effing great. She spends more time volunteering her time with all sorts of things and I have spent years filling in the blanks and now she wants to be selfish. Whatever. I'm getting more bitter by the day and that's just sad.

[SBJ]

The W came to me around 10pm last night saying that we needed to talk. She says that she doesn't want to hurt or upset the kids any more than they already will be, but that she is moving out next weekend. She has decided that she will not take any of the furniture because she doesn't want my kids to have their house picked apart. She will only take her clothing, personal items, and a few other things.

She says that our reaction to each other sets the tone for the kids...while I agree, I also see that a parent moving out of their family home sets a pretty big tone also. My kids know that she is the one leaving and that I don't want this to happen...I guess that sets a big tone also.

[Vapo]

SBJ,

I understand you dude, I truly do. You are very early in all this $hit and things will likely get worse before they get better. You are currently in the "poor me" mode. You need to get out and make your life worth living. Ask yourself what you always wanted to achieve and just could not find the time. Well now the time has been granted, time to start "living". That trip you always wanted to take, now you can. Get out of your comfort zone. Why would you not treat yourself to a nice dinner in that posh new restaurant? Why would you not try curling for the first time? You always wanted to see the giant redwoods in Cali in person? Get your a$$ in the car and go.

I think you sort of see what I am getting at.

Stay strong buddy, these really are life changing events... But in time you will find out, the change can also be for the better, sooooo much better.

[ericmsant2]

SBJ

You may have mentioned this before….. sorry I do not remember. Does S19 live with you?

Not sure if it is too OCD, but I just made myself a spreadsheet to fill in all of my daily activities during the week as well as the weekends.

I think this is a good idea.

So last night around 11pm the W tells me that she has told my 2 youngest that D is more than likely happening.

I know how much this s*cks. You may want to consider talking to the kids to let them know that this is NOT their fault.

I understand that she isn't making sense, but her crazy is making me crazy.

Detach, detach, detach. You decide how long you stay on the crazy train.

We've been so close for so long that it's hard for me to totally withdraw.

Hard but NOT impossible.

So this week I get to celebrate my birthday while my wife and kids are moving out...effing great.

Why are the kids moving out? Is this their choice or is this what you W said SHE was doing?

Look dude, I am not sure who is the primary care giver for the kids – does it make sense for them to move with her or is it better for them to stay with you and spend weekends with their mom?

[SBJ]

Vapo...I know that there are many things that are on my Bucket List that I want to do...I played golf with friends yesterday for the first time in a long time. But you are right that this is new to me, even if she has been thinking about it for a long time. I have tried to keep the strong face on at home and when I have been around my W and kids, but once I get alone for a while the reality kicks in and it becomes difficult.

ericmsant2...
My oldest is in college and lives a couple of hours away. I hope to see him this coming weekend.

The spreadsheet is more of a personal schedule to keep my time occupied from 5am-11pm everyday. I am going to add in some activities for myself to do on the W's week to have the kids and then some family activities for me and the kids to do when they are with me.

My youngest just knows that we are going to have 2 houses now...not sure how much a 10yo can comprehend about the D situation anyway, but my daughter knows that this is something that mom wants...not dads idea. As hard as it sounds I'm almost more worried about telling my oldest than any of them. He will not take it well for sure.

For now we are settling on 50/50 custody with no primary...all decisions are to be made together.

I guess my biggest issue is having to stay in the house the first time by myself...even though I will have our small zoo of pets to keep me company.

[j20a00g]

I know here in my state there has to be a primary even if 50/50. Reason is for school zoning and such based on address.

Don't underestimate the comprehension of your 10 year old. In my case D5 and D7 are pretty aware and understanding of what is going on. Key is that while they can know it wasn't your decision be sure to not villainize W. she will always be heir mom and how you handle it will set how the kids will and how they will remember it forever.

[SBJ]

j20a00g...I will have to ask my L about the primary parent thing...our kids are in private school, so not sure how that would work.

I would never talk bad about my wife to the kids...she has always loved my kids more than anything in the world. She is a wonderful mother. Even though she is doing this to me and our family, I love her implicitly. She has always been my best friend and I don't treat friends or family with disrespect.

She is not thinking in her right mind at the moment, but one of these days, I pray that she comes back to earth and realizes that she already had the family of her dreams. In the mean time I will love my children and be the best dad I can be. God will guide us thru this trial and we will come thru shining on the other side.

Reminds me of the quote from Shawshank Redemption..."Andy Dufresne - who crawled through a river of [censored] and came out clean on the other side". I just hope that when this is all said and done, I will be clean on the other side.