I totally get how wwh makes you feel. xW makes me feel the same way. If we don't do things exactly how they would do them then they are wrong.
Somehow in their eyes we are the bad people because we can't understand or mind read what they have difficulty communicating to us.
I sense that you and I let our S's have quite a bit of control in our MR's. Not necessarily a good or bad way to live, but seems to me we were always one step behind which brought us to the place we are now.
I feel you are making progress though. Dory has given some great advice, don't sweat the small stuff. Get him to feel like he is the man of the house and is wanted by his awesome sexy wife.
If he asks you to do something again and then starts to criticize, then just give the phone back and say, here honey, you always do it the right way/better/or whatever bs line you want to add to stroke his ego and make sure you let his criticism not bother you.
I feel our sitches are very similar, had we smothered them with kindness and given them all our focus, things would have been different. That seems to work for your sitch from time to time so keep a journal of the positive things, re-read the things that go right, continue to do more of those positives and you will win the war.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
From your H's behaviour Sara, he doesn't sound as though he wants to rebuild your M. I don't think you get to have an A, say you want to rebuild and then be 'off' with your W as he is being. I hate to say it but when XH was being like that with me, he was still in contact with AP. Is he being transparent with his devices and whereabouts & suchlike?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
The WS does this. I still get it and separation is the only things I that really helps. He won't criticise anyone else like he does you. It may be a form of projection IDK TBH. I am going to have a chat with my W about respect and avoiding criticism, condemnation or complaining. We both mutually need to agree to be respectful enough not to use the 3 C's so we can call each other out. Of course she will say it wasn't a C it was an observation. If they need to play by the rules. Set boundaries or suffer the treatment you allow.
Keep that rage and anger at bay. It's just poor communication on both sides and you can't expect him to treat you in the 'right' way if you do t explain what that is.
Just and observation.
Keep your cool. You can do it.
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
Quick check in while the kids are eating breakfast and WH is still asleep. WH will allow complete access to his phone and email. However since he previously got a burner phone I know this only gives me a false sense of security. His behavior is that of a WS in withdrawal. I think since he's moved here he realizes there is no going back to AP. (mind reading, I know) There aren't any times unaccounted for, he isn't sneaking away but there are plenty of times where he could easily make the time. My gut is telling me there is no one else. Rather the walk-away part is dominate.
Yesterday we took the kids to a Fall festival. We went for a hayride, ate carnival food, kids played in a corn pool, other games and rides. They had a GREAT time. Most of the time WH was quiet and pensive, I kept things on a low key with him and just enjoyed the kid's pleasure. On the way home WH complimented me on the choice of fair and quietly asked if we could talk about us. The kids were all asleep in their car seats so I agreed.
He asked if I felt our relationship was salvageable. I told him I was unsure. He then went on to say he felt it was unfair that I would "settle" for him. He said he cheated and now felt only care and obligation towards me but no real "romantic love." I have heard this so often that it didn't even sting this time. He said he was willing to hang around and see what might happen but worries I will look back and feel I wasted years on him. I told him I was simply taking it one day at a time. I was frank (but gentle) and told him I change my mind 7 times a day whether or not to fight for this marriage. (we both chuckled at this, he goes through the same struggle) The convo was quiet and non-confrontational, I feel we both felt heard.
I go to IC this week with a Gottman certified therapist. I also plan to check in with my DB coach. I may also try to squeeze in time for a re-read of DR. I soldier on.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
How do you feel when you see H interacting with your kids? How do you feel when you both chuckle over your comment of you changing your mind 7 times a day?
Love is little things like this, Sara. Love is deciding to fight for the M when you don't feel like it. When your S is being downright unlovable.
It seems like there is love, Sara. Just not the 'OMG, I need to jump into bed with you right now and I will die without you' kind of love. Perhaps this applies to your H too.
The next time this type of convo comes up, maybe you can tell H about how you feel when you go through the ordinary, mundane routine of life with him and your kids? (I am assuming that there are warm fuzzy feelings here. )
I am not a therapist but I feel that a lot of your stresses are situational stresses. Crazy careers, living apart, 3 young children below 6.
Situational stresses are situational and not permanent.
If your H is suffering from withdrawal and not in an actual A, I would suggest speaking his LL, building up the emotional bond between the 2 of you and minimising things that will create friction.
You know the spiel by now: Take care of yourself/ Detach/ GAL Keep on even keel/ little expectations Stfu/ Validate Monitor and adjust Do what works
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
Of the 3 therapists we saw the Gorman was by far the best!
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
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