Well

[Echotym]

Bad day. W informed me today she is starting paperwork. Me and S will spend the weekend together trying to forget she said that. My only response was this is disappointing. I hope you reconsider.

[j20a00g]

Let her start them. You can't control it. You can't control her filing them. But lashing out will push her to do it quicker.

Stay the course!

[Echotym]

I realize I can't control it. But just do nothing.

[j20a00g]

I realize I can't control it. But just do nothing.

You can do plenty! Just not in regards to controlling her (or anyone else's) actions

[Echotym]

Currently

Only talking to her about kid stuff
Doing things for my well being.
Hanging out with S every chance I can
Seeing C weekly
Leaning on friends for help

Anything else I should be doing.

[j20a00g]

ok so I have been sitting waiting listening GALing for 2 months(first two week were begging and pleading). Leaning on family and friends. no softening but still getting the "I'm pretty sure I know what I want to do." zero R discussions. W about to come out of her hole and connect with friends this weekend to see how I'm doing and see what I'm saying (mostly what I'm saying she's huge on message control)

Do I buy a suit(for the likely D) this week split money and say look you have been treating me like garbage you have treated this family like garbage for 2 months. Sh$% or get of the pot? What are you going to do or I'm moving on. I have a great support network that I didn't know I had and awesome C, my S and I have been on multiple vacations without W it bothers her immensely but not enough to talk about R. her family is actively trying to get her to see a C on her own as they have no idea what she is doing.

as it relates to timing how do I know when she is ready for BD or am I missing the reference and don't have to go crazy. Or Mr Bond could you explain a passive approach more in-depth and how it could work.

Can be doing this differently. You (i do it too) have a tendency to let your mind still run wild. Planning for the D as if you know a date. Talking about ultimatums (like you have any leg to stand on). Part of the GAL process is to help keep your mind off of this stuff.

Are you truly GAL and detaching or going through the motions?

[MrBond]

Again you're not being PASSIVE. It's PATIENT. Where is your list of goals as per DR?

[sandi2]

as it relates to timing how do I know when she is ready for BD or am I missing the reference and don't have to go crazy.

Could you rephrase that statement? I'm not certain what you mean.

It is impossible to give a window of time. I have noticed how men will want to have an idea of how much time to give, or say that if they only knew the W would R with him.....he would not mind the work. I guess that's comparable to wanting to know the answer before asking the question........but in real life, I don't think we get to know.

DBing is your part. Someone sent you a copied post that gave a good illustration of how that looks. I understand you wanting to see some type of response from her, if nothing else, so you'll know if what you're doing is working or not. However, it's seldom that simple. You have to let it go and move forward. Until you are able to make that step, you'll be tied to searching for a response, and being upset when it doesn't come. Some men see "letting go" equal to giving up. That's not true in the world of DBing. Only you decide when to give up.

In the meantime, you need to do what everyone is saying, instead of looking for more. Drop the rope, GAL without her, and enjoy life to the fullest. That's the big secret everyone is trying to share with you. If you really do this ^^^, you will stand a much greater chance in experiencing a positive outcome to your situation. When you drop the rope, she will know. Women know! You won't have to tell what you are doing. (Kinda spoils it when you tell what you are doing. Know what I mean?)

Stop discussing your W with other people. Don't tell others how you are going to drop the rope, GAL, etc. When she starts asking them if you ever say anything about her, they will have to say that you haven't.

Two months is NOTHING in the DB world.

What are you going to do or I'm moving on.

No! You keep your mouth shut and stop saying stuff! When you say something like that, it pushes her toward D faster. When you say nothing and do everything through actions.......the message is more effective.

[MrBond]

"In May W says we have a problem, I say no we are good. She says no we aren’t. "

This kind of says it all. You weren't concerned about what she wanted before so she did what she felt she had to do. Just because you suddenly decided to try and save the marriage doesn't mean she should too. It's always been about what YOU wanted when YOU wanted it.

How do you think she felt when you told her essentially that her concerns were no concern of yours? Now you feel indignant because she wants to leave and be happy. What assurances does she have that things are going to get better and that you're not just saying that and then go back to the way things were?

She has to see your changes and it will take time. But if you don't think she's worth it, then you're well within your right to sign the paperwork and find someone else who you feel will cater to your needs and give you what you want. After all, I'm sure that the next relationship will have no disputes whatsoever.

[Echotym]

Mr bond agreed on all fronts. To be fair to me. In may I had no idea what was going on or where any of this was coming from. My outlook on everything is different now. I've learned a lot in the last six months.

I absolutely was that way. What I'm struggling with is that my Ws issues or needs were unreasonable and OCD in nature. There was a complete refusal on her part to recognize these issues and left. I did in earnest ( I could do better now) try an address these issues and try to get her help. She walked instead. It's tough when someone won't recognize their side of anything. I know I don't need that in DBing but it's a huge contributing factor.