Has he never read a book about delegating or leadership and the evils of micromanaging?
((Sara))
It's easy to laugh at him from here, but I would be super frustrated if I were living with him.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Ugh - I hate that tone! Negative, critical, controlling. And I do think - if you want things done in a certain way, do them yourself. But if someone else is kind enough to help, step back and let them do it their way.
Next time he does that, you may just want to hold up your hand, hand back the item to him and say - I'll let you do this your way - and walk out. I know you are hoping to save your M, but there's no need to tolerate being spoken to in that way.
FWIW...maybe I'm just a little feisty today....
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I recognize similar thoughts from WH - he had some strange ideas about interaction, and also refused MC for a very long time. Anger and impatience was what made me withdraw.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I am so sorry he's like that. Has he always been like that even before the A?
I hate to admit this on the Internet but I was like your H. I guess I can still be like that. Overly anal retentive at times. Especially when I am stressed or tired. The funny thing is I only show this side to my family. It's like I use up my quota of tolerance with other people and then I blow up at my family because I assume that they should know the way I do things.
Oops. I somehow need more control in my personal life than in my professional life.
Do you think that this aspect of your H contributed to or exacerbated his waywardness? How so?
If it doesn't, then this is just one of those irritating quirks of marriage and your H that both of you can learn to manage.
As much as an idiot that your H was, he did ask how his behaviour affected you. So he has self-awareness. Did he apologise for his behaviour?
Both of you haven't been living together for long so it takes some getting used to, having him with you 24/7. This is just like the phase of getting used to each other just after the honeymoon glow has worn off.
Now, the other thing that worries me more is the blame shifting. What usually triggers it? Because I remember that there were times that he felt sorry for what he had put you through.
I feel that you should see an IC and both of you should have MC to work through the A.
This is going to be tough because on one hand, you have to get used to living together again. On the other hand, you still have to work through the scars of the A.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Hmm he really does remind me of a certain someone with the criticism and telling you your way is not the right way. A certain man, but I just can't think who...
I feel for you, because I've been through this, which would then lead to me pulling back away from him for the sheer fact I can't do anything right. Maybe when you are both a little calmer, talk through this and tell him how he makes you feel when he says these things, maybe he doesn't realise that it hurts you. There's always got to be a compromise somewhere. But you do deserve more than being passive and allowing him to treat you that way or it will really damage you. My ex before wh was worse for this, I think that's why when wh began doing this it really would anger me. Because when I broke up with that ex, he left me a shell of who I was, so scared I was doing everything wrong.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
I will try to answer the questions as I can remember.
Yes WH was always critical before the A, in his defense Iw as as well. What's funny is I was actively working diminishing my criticism a few months leading up to his A. I made sure not to criticize the way he cleaned or helped out with the kids. Instead I made sure to validate his help and point out that I really appreciated it. Sigh. A few months later the bomb drops.
Initially I demanded MC and made him set up the appointment. He went to three sessions and barely talked to the counselor. He would just stare at the floor and give a few words. Even the MC was frustrated with WH's stone walling. Finally WH said he didn't want to go anymore, that was Dec 2015. When I have brought up IC and Mc he refuses saying he has nothing to ask. He is not interested in any points of view save his own. Pride is a HUGE issue here yet he swears it's not. Sure.
The frustration is WH will sometimes ask if he offended me, when I tell him how I feel he begins to argue and tell me how I am wrong and misinterpret the conversation. He really thinks that his thoughts are the only valid ones and that everyone else's is simply misunderstanding.One of the reasons I wanted MC was so we could have a neutral third party re-frame the conversations so our communication could be better.
I have been careful to say, "This made me feel like this...." so it's more about my feelings and not blaming him. Maybe he will become more receptive to counseling as I become more successful at DBing.
Tonight he went to McD's and bought the kids and himself dinner, nothing for me. Then he went out and bought something for his office. He just walked in and is actually being more civil to me so I will sign off now and try to "act as if."
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Ugh. Your H is being really childish! Yes, I hate it when someone asks me how I feel then goes on to completely ignore me or reframe the whole conversation into why I was wrong to feel the way I felt.
It seems to be a wwh thing, doesnt it? Probably that's the reason they strayed - to find someone who will not doubt that they are the only ones whose reality is valid. They want someone to put them on pedastals.
Ok. End of rant.
Just checking. Does your H deliberately demean you or hurt you? If he does, then there is another problem. When I think of someone who is controlling, I think of someone who deliberately hurts to maintain control. Does he enjoy hurting or demeaning you?
Now back to dbing, if you dont think your H is pathologically controlling/ pyschopathic or sociopathic.
So talking about how you feel isn't working at this time. If your H was your patient, how would you deal with him in a professional but detached manner?
What is the fastest and simplest way to disengage yourself? Do a 180. Simply just do it?
Would humour help? I dont know, make a funny face. Answer him, yes daddy (teacher), I'll do it exactly the way you like. And erm, maybe turn it into something naughty? Tell him that for every demand that he makes to do things only his way he has to remove an article of clothing? (Inspiration from mwd's books)
Remember, your H is facing the same adjustment of having you in his life 24/7. And he's acting out. He has lived on his own for a lot of your M. He's a high flier (?) who's used to having people listen to him.
So ego issue here.
Sara, choose your battles. Keep your eye on winning the war, not the battles.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Btw, I realised that even if I prefaced my statements with 'I feel that....', kid's father would always feel attacked.
That's just how some men work. So, skip this talk about feelings step entirely.
Just deal with the demands and try to see if you can solve it/ change the dynamics at that level.
This really has to do with The M rather than the A.
Try not to lump too many issues together or you will be writhing in resentment and your H may give up because he feels that there is nothing he can do to redeem himself.
A issues would be: Transparency NC with OW Boundaries Sense of security Rebuilding love etc.
Btw, I am not a therapist so I think it's a good idea to get a gottman or mwd affliated ic to help you.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
PsySara - As a man going to counseling in a rural area I might have a perspective here. My counselor has mentioned to me that I am one of the very few men she has ever dealt with. I think many men are reluctant to ask for help with emotional / personal issues.
Counseling will only work for him if HE believes it will, not if it is something YOU are pushing for him to do. When I first started looking for counseling it was because I realized that I was "broken" and had no clue on how to "fix" myself. I went looking to how to get stronger to survive my journey. In some ways this was no different than when I get a plumber to fix my hot water heater or my brother the tree surgeon to trim my lilacs. Perhaps I could do it myself, but why muck around when there is an expert who I can be confident will do the job right.
Selection of the "right" counselor is also critical I think. My first therapist was a disaster for me. I found out later that she was known to not work well with men. I had selected her because she was of a similar age to me and had good credentials. When I started to talk about the anger I felt she demanded to know how often I beat my wife (I abhor violence) and threatened to call the cops on me. My second counselor I got through a referral from my MD and she has been an almost literal life-saver. She's probably about 15 years younger than me but she "listens", asks pointed questions that make me think, is (mostly) non-judgemental and gives me homework to do (possibly because I ask for it).
Think hard too about your H and his relationships with women and men. For me a female counselor worked far better I think than a man would. For a man I wouldn't open up nearly as much as I would to a woman. I feel that I can be vulnerable around a woman but not a man. Not every man feels that way though I'm sure.
So - maybe do a sort of 180 on your H and counseling. See if HE can identify the basics of how your MR is broken and then call in the experts.
Just my 2 cents.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Ugh. Your H is being really childish! Yes, I hate it when someone asks me how I feel then goes on to completely ignore me or reframe the whole conversation into why I was wrong to feel the way I felt.
It seems to be a wwh thing, doesnt it? Probably that's the reason they strayed - to find someone who will not doubt that they are the only ones whose reality is valid. They want someone to put them on pedastals.
Ok. End of rant.
Just checking. Does your H deliberately demean you or hurt you? If he does, then there is another problem. When I think of someone who is controlling, I think of someone who deliberately hurts to maintain control. Does he enjoy hurting or demeaning you?
Now back to dbing, if you dont think your H is pathologically controlling/ pyschopathic or sociopathic.
So talking about how you feel isn't working at this time. If your H was your patient, how would you deal with him in a professional but detached manner?
What is the fastest and simplest way to disengage yourself? Do a 180. Simply just do it?
Would humour help? I dont know, make a funny face. Answer him, yes daddy (teacher), I'll do it exactly the way you like. And erm, maybe turn it into something naughty? Tell him that for every demand that he makes to do things only his way he has to remove an article of clothing? (Inspiration from mwd's books)
Remember, your H is facing the same adjustment of having you in his life 24/7. And he's acting out. He has lived on his own for a lot of your M. He's a high flier (?) who's used to having people listen to him.
So ego issue here.
Sara, choose your battles. Keep your eye on winning the war, not the battles.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
