Hi Ginger, just stopping by with a hi. I'm glad the online dating seems to be going well. I can't say the same. LOL On contacting you know who, even though his response stung a bit, it's probably for the best. You can let him go and move on in good conscience.
Hi Sunny!!!! Online dating isn't going anywhere yet, I haven't even had a date. There is promise. I'm going to remain hopeful, but so should you!
You know who was very kind and responsive. He didn't even say he would rather not here from me. I just kind of got the feeling from the last few interactions. I put a bunch of things together and that's the conclusion I came to. I had the teeniest tiniest little thread of hope with him, but I decided to cut it. It feels freeing actually. It's been a matter of hating to let go of those I love or have loved. For some reason, I am really bad at it. But I know it has to be done. I don't want to hold myself back from some great healthy stuff that could still be awaiting me. Reaching out was the right thing, and I honestly though I had some expertise that might help. I offered it and left it there.
Doodler, I wouldn't mind being the "real" Gineger some days. I'd trade in my long curly hair for an escape (well, desserting) on an island and to have that bod.
My screen name was almost my real name in real life. I don't look like a Ginger, I'm glad my parents decided on my actual name.
My friend, you are amazing. One of the many things I love about you is your honesty and authenticity. You arent afraid to look your stuff right in the eye. That is so brave.
So, a couple of things... I can promise you that your ex has not erased you from his memory. You cannot be married and have a child with someone and not have something tucked away. It may be very deep down, but, it is there.
You and I are alike in that we have a hard time letting go of people we love. For me, it is so hard to let them in, that once I do, I am all in. I know you are, too. And there is nothing wrong with that. It's why you are who you are. Dont try to change that.
I know when I go to my therapist and I cry like that, it means I have touched on something I need to pay special attention to. It's hard, isnt it? But it's where the most growth comes from.
You reached out to someone you care about and did what you thought was the kind thing. Nothing wrong with that either...You stayed true to who you are. The problem comes with that small expectation that may have come with it, yea?
G, we let go in small increments. Sometimes we think we are further along, and then something happens to remind us that maybe we arent quite there yet. It takes as long as it does. You cant rush it along, much as we want to.
You have so much to offer here. And yea, its about your survival, your ability to bounce back, your showing what it looks like navigating through life. But there's more. You have the ability to be brutally honest yet kind. You show how to work through stuff in a way that is true to you. You arent afraid to show all sides of things and how they may turn out. But mostly, you show vulnerability and strength.
Your life will one day look the way you hope. For right now, it looks the way it needs to.
You shine so brightly, G. The people in your life thrive in the light.
Hi My friend. I've been admittedly reading you post over and over. It's like a warm hug. It's like you are in my head. I don't really have the words for how comforting that is.
I was having a discussion with a mutual friend of ours. I was beating myself up for not being able to let go I felt I should have by now. But It's hard for me. I said the same thing, I am all in if I am in. Which means my heart goes all in. Dangerous territory. That's why it takes so long to fully come out. I am rushing the process, because I want to be there so bad. But he did kindly point out that I am not sitting in bed crying waiting for him to come around. Actually, despite the random crying, since then I have not had one day to just mourn. I have been moving forward every day since, not waiting around, not letting any of it affect how my life is lived. So that's good.
You are right, I did have a small expectation with the reaching out. Not one of hope for us, but I guess in such a hard time I wanted to be there for him and I thought he might want that. But he doesn't. Which of course stings, but it isn't surprising. He's got a girlfriend, good friends, and the last thing he should need in his life to be there for him is his ex-girlfriend. It really is logical and I get it. I think he appreciated the gesture, but nothing beyond that. Which made me realize it's time to cut the final thread.
I do hope I am being kind in my brutal honesty. I never want to hurt, I only want to help.
I think I broke down in tears at IC because I'm just overwhelmed and there is no where to turn to. I hold it together and as soon as I'm given a safe place to let it out, I do.
Less than 2 weeks, I can't wait! Can't wait to chill and chat with you.
I remember thinking...two years after bomb date...given all that he did to me - what the heck is wrong with me that I am still holding on? I know it was a very long marriage and we had a child. I knew that I was very small when it all started and I had to grow back.
I knew all of that and yet, I was still crying. I was still trying to understand. I had decided on a timeline of when I should have been able to let go and I was going past it. And for someone like me, that threw me.
It doesnt matter that this wasnt a really long term relationship for you, G.
What I realized was that for me, it was the end of a dream of how I thought my life was supposed to play out. I know now that dream was really skewed given who he was. But, it was my dream during my life nonetheless.
There is something that grabs us deeply when it comes to dreams for our future. For people like us, who have overcome some difficult stuff growing up, allowing ourselves to believe in the possibilities takes a lot. We have been taught that things dont necessarily work out so well for us. So that when we dare to dream, when we dare to allow someone in, and then it falls apart, it affects our core. We lose our balance and our footing. We begin to rethink our beliefs. We have to start over again to figure out how to let go, how to believe again.
I know how you are, G. You can be terribly hard on yourself. You loved him deeply. You pictured a future you hadnt allowed yourself to picture for a long time. You had hopes and dreams and felt loved.
You cannot rush this along. You do yourself a huge disservice if you do. As long as you see forward progress, however small at times, and sometimes it is in fits and starts, that's what matters.
Your reaching out and your realizing where he is at, hurt some. Sit with it a little bit and then when you can, let it go.
You are doing great, sweetie. I wish you could see it from where we do.
everything in that post hit me on such a deep level. Especially the daring to dream part. Every time I did, starting from childhood, once I decided to, something would fall apart horribly. The last dream I allowed myself to dare was my family. Which was filled with infertility, crazy treatments, almost losing the baby, a high risk surgery, early deliver and a NICU stay. When things calmed down, I let the excitement in on having the "family" seep in, and "poof" gone in the matter of months.
I felt like that happened again on some level.
I am sitting with my most recent realization. He is over me and does not need me in his life. Hard one to sit with, but it is kind of freeing.
And you said it, UR. I felt loved. I did actually feel loved no matter how many times he pulled back, I actually felt loved. I really never felt loved by my ex. I felt loved for the first time in my life (aside from family). Knowing that person no longer loved you is rough. But I've got it.
On a funny note. I gave Mr. Eharmony my number. I get a message from him, "either you gave me the wrong number or you had a change of heart." I looked back at my last message and my fat fingers indeed hit the wrong number. I emailed him back yesterday with the right number, apologizing.
I told my therapist I had her in a fit of laughter. I told her I really stink at dating.
And FTR, if this gets serious....you do know he will need to pass the UrWorthy and ericmsant test, which includes both of us holding baseball bats.
Just sayin...
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
