Well

[MrBond]

"Our sex life was pretty good considering her work schedule and a 2 year old at home. until she stated things were bad. Then it went down hill."

Did you just have sex or make love? Did you or her just do it out of obligation or was it another way to connect with each other? Did you two talk on a regular basis on things that wasn't just business or day to day related?

"As far as romance I would say it was pretty non existent in our relationship. That was just how we were. "

Could you elaborate? Are you not the romantic, spontaneous type?

"But she never never gave many gifts either also at my request. "

So you told her not to get you gifts either? Why? Was it always like that?

[Echotym]

I thought we were connecting but I now don't think that she has been. I would say during our normal times I was the initiator 75 percent of the time. I would say recently you could tell it was routine for her and it was tough to get her out of that mode. She was pretty unapproachable all the time she was always on her phone if she wasn't working or cleaning. She didn't have a ton of interaction with our S3 either and was more apt to put him in front of the tv. I was more of the caretaker while she did housework and extreme cleaned every night. I don't want to give the I,pression she was a bad mom she's not. She just has other things higher on her priority list than I would.

I did not want her to bother getting gifts for me. I always just wanted to hang out with her and we did everything together. I have always had a tough time having people do anything for me. We were both that way we valued our ability to take care of ourselves. I have found through C that I was pretty lonely and she was pretty emotionally unavailable. I also think I was the same to her in many respects. But it was tough with a W with such a tough exterior.

Does any of this make any sense?

[Echotym]

Also. On did we talk about other things. Yes I thought we did she did not really have anything else to talk about but work as it consumed her life iris the only thing she was really interested in. I know I was often less than enthused to hear about her day and should have been a more active listener. I hope I get a chance to be better at that. That one is definitely on me.

[MrBond]

Yes it does clear up alot. You forgot to have FUN in your relationship. She outgrew the current situation and is looking for a change. She is vulnerable at this time for an A. What have you been doing to change yourself?

[Echotym]

Agreed she stopped having fun with me. But we did have a lot of fun. We went on vacations around the world. Weekends at cabins constantly. Dinners out. I felt as if I was failing to keep up with the corporate credit card she utilizes for fancy dinners with work male co workers. She truly gets to live a fantasy life while on the road 5-10 days per month. I feel like no matter what I do or spend it would be impossible to keep up with that. Coming home is a drag. She has to compromise where she is treated like gold on the road.

What have I done to change myself.

Lost 20 lbs ( stress related but I'll take it)
Trying to dress better. ( we don't see each other so I do t know why)
Working on detaching.
Reconnecting with friends.
Been on multiple vacays with friends and S3
Seeing my own C been a great help
Working on being more confident.
Reconnecting with my family members. ( they and my friends say I'm completely different I talk way more. Yes mostly about impending D just trying to make sense of it)
Trying to find a balance between not being a door mat and not being a dick. While trying to accommodate her work schedule with our S3s needs.
Trying to maintain a relationship with sister in law who was/is my best friend to talk to and who my wife is currently living with.
Working at keeping the house clean.
Getting rid of the junk she complained about in the yard
Continuing to be the best dad I can be.

Any suggestions shoot. Any pointers please don't hesitate. I want to thank all of you again for your time it's great to know others are dealing with the same issues.

[MrBond]

"Agreed she stopped having fun with me."

No you don't get it. Did YOU stop having fun with her? Did you stop or were you ever flirty and playful with her? Think about when you were dating. How was it back then?

"I felt as if I was failing to keep up with the corporate credit card she utilizes for fancy dinners with work male co workers. She truly gets to live a fantasy life while on the road 5-10 days per month. I feel like no matter what I do or spend it would be impossible to keep up with that. Coming home is a drag. She has to compromise where she is treated like gold on the road. "

Ok, it's time to stop that self defeating talk. Just remember... she MARRIED you. So obviously she thought that you were a catch. Why?

"Trying to dress better. ( we don't see each other so I do t know why)"

You dress better for YOURSELF. Would you rather dress like a slob?

You are not a doormat. What you are doing is putting yourself down with your low self-esteem. She's not doing anything to you. You're doing it to yourself. Which means that you can also do something about it. Get your B@LLS back!

[Echotym]

Mr bond I never stopped having fun with her. I always found her attractive and would often tell her so I had a blast with her and always looked forward to seeing her every day. We were always doing things together. She was always uncomfortable being close in an I'm gonna grab your arm or hold your hand sort of way.

I don't dress like a slob but I don't wear nice expensive clothing. Headed out to buy some today my pants don't fit anymore. I have tried the get your b@lls back approach and she gets really angry. when it comes to spending time with our S3 I have not compromised. Anything I do to assert myself validates her leaving and she tells me so. She has stated that she is generally disgusted with me my mannerisms how I clear my throat, how I cough, and as she stats it just generally me. can that change back? Can she develop those feeling again in the face of disgust?

I refused to leave the marital bed and home. I have refused changes to our S3's schedule to accommodate her work. Anytime we talk and the convo gets remotely argumentative she hangs up. I think her perception of the marriage was she never had a voice and I did not listen to her concerns about things. I thought a 180 would be to start doing those things.

I do think for the first month after she left I was a door mat. I was accommodating and tippy toed around everything. I am getting better at not doing that and it feels like the chasm between us is growing because of it.

She is also getting a ton of pushback from her family I have heard of arguments with her dad and the few people she is talking with are asking her why she is doing this this way and all roads lead to I deserve to be happy.

[Echotym]

second follow up I have always been the same to her and I think she got annoyed with that. I sincerely got the impression that she started to look down on her life our position and my family as less than her. and why am I hanging around these losers. She has stated that I don't value success even though we are both very accomplished and goal oriented people. I am not ashamed of my accomplishment nor hers. we never put any effort into our R I never thought we needed it.

Having a child and the love she feels for him she says changed her perspective on us. She has said that she does not love me like she loves our son and that is what is missing for her.

[SBJ]

Echotym...Sorry to hear about your troubles. My W also pulled the ILYBINILWY thing on me this summer. She told me last night right before closing my eyes that the D papers are ready and that she is moving out in 2 weeks. Made for a rough night last night.

I was also under the impression that things were going good in our marriage when the BD happened, but after reading around on here, it seems that the LBS is always the last to know. They were planning their exit long before they said anything.

If your wife is anything like mine, it seems like they are chasing a fantasy that they have drummed up in their head. Either they will find it once they get out on their own, or they will come crashing back to reality at some point. I know that I am willing to remain the lighthouse in her storm, but she's making it difficult for me to like her right now. One of my dad's favorite lines was, "I love you, but I don't like you right now". I am learning very slowly that this is their thing...there is nothing we can do about it, but weather the storm.

It is up to us to decide how long we are willing to wait for them to come thru the fog. It is different, I'm sure, for us all, but there is no shame in moving on whenever you feel you are ready.

Stay strong for your son and also for you. God Bless!!!

[Echotym]

Its so incredibly tough. I get so much pressure from friends and family that say you are being treated like Sh%$. why don't you get this over with. I still cant wrap my head around the fact that this is it for us. I feel like she will realize or someone she doesn't feel was influenced by me will tell her that this is no way to treat people especially your kid.

My spouses whole family calls me almost daily to provide support but no hope. The only thing that has kept me sane this last month is realizing that this is not entirely my fault. not a single person has seen or experienced the reality that my wife is describing. The tough part also is she is smart was rational and very even keel. It so damn weird.

Thanks for your perspective.