Well

[Cadet]

If the answer is don't talk to them it's way too late for that when she walked out the door she called all family members and my friends to tell them why she was leaving.

You can't control what she does, so those are the
cards that you are dealt.
You can only play the ones you have and can't
keep getting new ones.

DB'ing is counter intuitive.

Read the homework,
I think especially the pursuit and distance thread.

What issues does she have with you that are legitimate?
Those are what you need to work on.
Make yourself into the best "Echotym" that you can be.

Keep posting

[sandi2]

I join the others in welcoming you. I've been here for a while now, and it's my way of hoping to pay forward the help I found when I "accidentally" stumbled onto the site as a resentful, angry, wayward wife. With that said, let me tell you that your M can be saved.

Since my personal experience, I have read a lot about wayward wives, have observed quite a bit IRL, and especially learning from the board over the past nine years. It is astounding the number of H's that have WW's. I think you'll find similar stories when you read other threads. So, you are not alone.

To get a wider a picture, let me ask some questions. What are the ages of you and W? Who is the one who tries to solve R problems through discussions?

Has there ever been any type of inappropriate contact with the opposite sex, from either of you? Any addictions?

Which of you make the highest income?

Does she have male friends, apart from your circles? In other words, does she meet them without you being present? Does she text them, or have you ever checked her phone to see her messages? Does she go into another room, or outside, to talk on her phone? If I had to guess, I'd say she kept her phone pretty much glued to her hand. It doesn't mean she's in an affair, b/c it seems to be a bad habit for a lot of people. However, it also seems typical in cases with WW's.

You thought everything was okay in the MR. She didn't want to discuss it until she went to the C session.....which basically was her attacking you for everything you've done wrong since your wedding day. Another typical.

Would you say your W would often speak to you with a disrespectful tone or attitude? Would she ever talk down to you, make fun of you in front of others, talk badly about you to friends/family? Would she raise her voice, stomp her foot, make faces, roll eyes, or some other expression of disrespect? What would you do.......overlook it, b/c it wasn't worth making a big deal out of it?

Maybe I am jumping the gun here, and maybe you are a real jerk of a H. I rather doubt it, but there's always that chance. Anyway, you are the one who has shown up and seeking help to save your M. In my book, that says something positive about you.

Saving your M will not happen quickly, b/c as you stated, she has changed. She's like a different person.......b/c she feels differently about most everything. She can find her way back, but it won't be before you emotionally turn lose of her and start to live your life without her, IMHO. A woman can sense when her H really lets her go. And, as strange as it sounds.....that's when a WW usually becomes interested in him again.

So, you'll get various opinions here, but for the most part, I think we try to have the same end goal......which is to save yourself, and hopefully, save the M.

I hope you'll post every chance you get, and stick with us while we share problem solving solutions.

[Echotym]

I join the others in welcoming you. I've been here for a while now, and it's my way of hoping to pay forward the help I found when I "accidentally" stumbled onto the site as a resentful, angry, wayward wife. With that said, let me tell you that your M can be saved.

Since my personal experience, I have read a lot about wayward wives, have observed quite a bit IRL, and especially learning from the board over the past nine years. It is astounding the number of H's that have WW's. I think you'll find similar stories when you read other threads. So, you are not alone.

To get a wider a picture, let me ask some questions. What are the ages of you and W? Me 35 W33 Who is the one who tries to solve R problems through discussions? Honesty we have really gotten along really well and had minimal to no conflict(from my perspective). We would both bargain for the things we each wanted but now reflecting on the R I see I may have not recognized how forceful I was with my opinions. I think she saw those hard rules when it was me telling her how I felt about something.

Has there ever been any type of inappropriate contact with the opposite sex, from either of you? Not that I am aware of, she is in sales travels a lot with older very successful men. She routinely travels and stays on hotels with these men. Separately of course. These men would sometimes make advances and she would tell me about them so I trusted her. Any addictions? Her phone and I don't think that's a joke. Its bad

Which of you make the highest income? We are both high earners about the same. we have no financial issues. Many issues stem from me being the cheaper one and her wanting to spend.

Does she have male friends, apart from your circles? She has no girlfriends never has, she cannot maintain a R with another female. In other words, does she meet them without you being present? She considers the Males at work her friends and does not and is in close contact constantly. Does she text them, hourly when she is home or have you ever checked her phone to see her messages?No Does she go into another room, or outside, to talk on her phone? not really I occasionally talk with these people and was recently invited to go on a weekend trip with them, I declined one of the W reasons for leaving If I had to guess, I'd say she kept her phone pretty much glued to her hand. Absolutely It doesn't mean she's in an affair, b/c it seems to be a bad habit for a lot of people. However, it also seems typical in cases with WW's.

You thought everything was okay in the MR. She didn't want to discuss it until she went to the C session.....which basically was her attacking you for everything you've done wrong since your wedding day. Another typical. Yes hasn't loved me for 10 years, I tricked her into marrying me, it was all the next step for her and she didn't know what she was doing. doubt we ever really loved each other.

Would you say your W would often speak to you with a disrespectful tone or attitude? Yes both of us would me probably worse than her Would she ever talk down to you, make fun of you in front of others,Yes both of us talk badly about you to friends/family? yes but I thought we were joking Would she raise her voice,never stomp her foot,never make faces,in the last year roll eyes, yes I thought it was lovingly but recently it wasn'tor some other expression of disrespect? What would you do.......overlook it, b/c it wasn't worth making a big deal out of it? Pretty much but we both treated each other this way

Maybe I am jumping the gun here, and maybe you are a real jerk of a H. I would say I was a dink but no one ever doubt how much I cared for my W. Our relationship was what other couples measured their relationship off of. In our circle this is a complete shock we were drama free. Behind closed doors I thought I was much more caring. We never PDA ever her choice mostly I rather doubt it, but there's always that chance. Anyway, you are the one who has shown up and seeking help to save your M. In my book, that says something positive about you.

Saving your M will not happen quickly, b/c as you stated, she has changed. She's like a different person.......b/c she feels differently about most everything. She can find her way back, but it won't be before you emotionally turn lose of her and start to live your life without her, IMHO. A woman can sense when her H really lets her go. And, as strange as it sounds.....that's when a WW usually becomes interested in him again.

So, you'll get various opinions here, but for the most part, I think we try to have the same end goal......which is to save yourself, and hopefully, save the M.

I hope you'll post every chance you get, and stick with us while we share problem solving solutions.

Thanks you so much you seem to be right on point. Is there a possiblility she wants to be pursued instead? flowers gifts I love yous as those are things I never did on the marriage.

_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

[Echotym]

Legitimate reasons for leaving, I and my C have been struggling with that everything was surface normal marriage stuff. Clean up after yourself. Our house is really clean. You have junk laying around (we live in the country) we are the most successful people our age I know. I know I wasn't understanding enough about how she felt about those image related items. (new cars tidy house yard etc) She does state she is no longer attracted to me and something is missing in our R saying I love you, gifts, PDA, formerly things she said she never wanted. But as far as other things relating to me that's really it and she admits that and that is why she left. She admitted to my C that that "i know this is superficial but this is how I feel"

To be fair I did try and change those gift and I love yous and PDA but it felt like it was too late. Gifts were met with "should have done that 5 years ago" hugs were super awkward I love yous were reciprocated but it didn't feel genuine. We never used to do any of those things and she thought it was weak when people did. I tried all those things over the summer but I think it made things worse.

[TxHubby]

I was waiting to hear more of your story before commenting. After you described her job I'm now convinced there is another man in the picture. I'd advise looking into that because it changes your strategy. Marriages can't be worked on when there are more than two people in them. No point wasting the effort. You need to know. Look into it quietly. Don't ask her.

[MrBond]

No one can tell you that there is someone else in the picture. Especially not strangers. You know your situation and you're going to have to come up with your own conclusion.

"She does state she is no longer attracted to me and something is missing in our R saying I love you, gifts, PDA, formerly things she said she never wanted."

Is the reason why you didn't do these things because she told you not to? How did you romance her? Did you fall into a rut?

[Echotym]

I don't have any way of finding out really. We have minimal contact she has to be with these people for work. Work has always been the most important thing for her above all else. Even when things were good. (Which I always thought they were). When thinking about her work situation from a happy marriage perspective I thought nothing of it but she is routinely out drinkimg late into the night with clients on a weekly basis and many of the things she does with these men many men would not tolerate. I trusted her and still do.

She has been asked by multiple people that there is no one else. She doesn't get mad when answering she just says no and moves on. I would be pissed and appalled. I could see an EA and her wondering why she doesn't have that connection with me. ( no denial here there could be a PA)

[Echotym]

Mr bond.

Agreed many say oh there has to be another man. She has existed in this world for years and this was not an issue. I have been operating under the assumption that she is telling the truth and those superficial things are really what she is hung up about. She has never been a untruthful.

As far as romance she expressed to others and before this year this year that she would prefer to buy her own things for her birthdays and other special days. And that PDA was for weak people and who needs that anyway. Our sex life was pretty good considering her work schedule and a 2 year old at home. until she stated things were bad. Then it went down hill.

As far as romance I would say it was pretty non existent in our relationship. That was just how we were. Suddenly she saw it's a missing piece but didn't communicate that to me.

[j20a00g]

Hi knits possible she used the "it's for the weak" and "I'd rather buy my own gifts" to try and save face or mask her hurt that you weren't doing it for her as she really wanted?

Your ages and together time are close to mine. Its a blessing and a curse. Part of my W's reasoning is because we have been together so long and we were too young, etc etc. I look st that as a good thing and she had before but now it's a negative.

Now part of Last resort technique is doing a 180. You weren't doing a lot of affectionate things before but I'm not sure you would want to st this stage just yet.

[Echotym]

My C has thought that as well. It is a possibility. But she never never gave many gifts either also at my request. We would talk about it before hand and she would not want anything. I know regarding 180 I did get her flowers and an expensive gift shortly after separation and that when she proudly put it on and stated I should have done this 5 years ago but hasn't taken it off since.