Found out about W affair, she does not know I know

[MrBond]

I understand that she may feel embarrassed about talking to a C about it, but you're really not going to get much insight from a book. Just throwing it out there, but we have had WAS's who have come here on the boards with the approval of their LBS to talk to us to get some understanding. Sounds like she wants to understand but isn't at the point where she thinks there was a problem.

[TxHubby]

It's great that she has realized she made some horrible choices and wants to work on your M. With that said, she may need an IC to help her figure out why she was willing to risk destroying your M for something that she said meant nothing to her. That's a question that can't be left unanswered.

[Steady9]

I asked her that-- how could she risk M
She said she did not think I would find out....none of her family in the town know about it or know him or saw them. She was very discrete.

But also I think she wanted to do what she wanted to do.... anyway.

Blood tests came back fine. But I mentioned to her that this was the reckless part....what if it wasn't.


I think this event helped her understand that our life our marriage and me are not bad....

My current fear, I wonder if this guy was not that drawn to her... and in the end added to a lack of self esteem..... my W to me is pretty, sexy and beautiful... I would be surprised if a guy would not be drawn to her..... but also I think her personality was off for the past months..... I think the C could help here. But not sure if I have the right assessment

She continues to play along with my working scenario that I started 6 days ago--- we broke up over this, she rents a casita down the street. And assume this happens a year ago... we divorced. And now as we see each other excusing the kids... we may start talking or dating again. Ok so I told her if she wants to she has to ask me to marry her. And share what is important in a MR. see earlier letter she wrote to me. She asked me yesterday about Christmas and if that would be too soon because she wants me to know she is not glossing over the A --- we will get new wedding bands etc
It will be private-- not telling family

She is being a better monther each day. Today she is on afield trip with our 12 year old son

[Steady9]

Also can anyone comment on my fear or insecurity.... I now have a fear that my W does not love me.... I never worried about it before..... now I wonder... is she doing this now because I am easy and safe .... did the Other guy not really want her as much as she needed.... why did she have an A with a guy that is below her in my opinion, not educated, poor and no manners..... oh and missing a couple of teeth.....

At face value, she is saying and showing actions that are great. She looked for new wedding bands yesterday for her and me, she is sweet and friendly to me. Just like the girl she was the one I first met...

I do believe she is a thinker and can right the ship better than most. So I have faith that she has come around and she used the phrase -- I f------ up

She is thankful that I have let her come back and given her another chance

I told her that I have forgiven her.

I want to focus on learning all we can an make this an opportunity to make or R stronger. Her as well.

We both are reading about infidelity so we see the same language, have reasonable expectations of what to expect and things to do to move forward

She claims that she was ending it with the other guy during this recent trip... my conversations with her that I was letting her go accelerated the end. She texted the guy that she needed to focus on her life here and then canceled her FB account. That was how they were talking.

We have got along very well the last 6---7 days. I was able to get several key questions answered. She has accepted accountability and when ever I say I could have been better a year ago, she says it is her fault.

She never cries but 10-14 days ago she cried several times as I revealed I was letting her go and then as I shared this was not working and a few days later she I said ithe name of the guy she was sleeping with it was an easy conversation so to the lead up so no crying.

And like i said she never cries.

So yesterday night we were doing some work on the house and she asks me how I was able to find out (from earlier conversation I said I hated doing it but I knew she would deny deny deny so I needed hard data -- I never showed it to her just gave her the guys name). I said I was not proud of it but I was interested in having her come back home so that is why I did it. She loves this answer versus me trying to get one over on her.

So she was curious in a friendly way what else did I do. Without sharing specifics I said I was able to hear one phone call after she came back from recent trip. ... so that is how I triple checked my data that the guys name I had was right. And I said remember I did this in hopes you would come back. She felt bad that I had to hear that. I said well I already knew, I was there, knowing she you were with him because you turned you phone ap off and would not take my call.

She said she was trying to let him down carefully... I said it sounded more like you wanted to see him more on this trip that he was able to see you... (note-we are taking friendly and no yelling ever. I am in a good place even though this has been heart wrenching). She said that was not the case. And then she said she would need some time to process that I heard and felt bad that I had to hear that

Then she cried some and felt shame and embarrassed again. She has notcried in ten days or so...

Ok so then I wondered.... why the tears and emotion again. Is it because of the mistake or that I have so much detail of the mistake or insecurity and maybe it is true that this guy was not attracted enough to her or or or or .... I guess a C comes in here. But until then anyone with ideas would be great

[MrBond]

"Also can anyone comment on my fear or insecurity.... I now have a fear that my W does not love me.... I never worried about it before..... now I wonder... is she doing this now because I am easy and safe .... did the Other guy not really want her as much as she needed.... why did she have an A with a guy that is below her in my opinion, not educated, poor and no manners..... oh and missing a couple of teeth..... "

What you and she are going through are perfectly normal. Her tears could very well be for the breakup of her relationship with the other person. There's usually a mourning period that the WAS goes through when they end an A. That's why I was concerned when you described your W as just reading books, etc. None of them will prepare you for the impact of what had happened.

You might think we're a broken record for suggesting it, but that's why getting a C is essential. You can even try C with MWD. And she needs to be the one to initiate it. That will be an indicator of how committed she is to the M.

Going through your wedding vows again, etc. may seem romantic and all, but it's just another band-aid. Look at Jon and Kate. They did the whole renew vows bit and divorced within a year.

[Steady9]

When she said she needed to process more about me knowing more from the phone call she also said " I made the bed I have to sleep in". Never heard her say that old time phrase. This is why I am hopeful that she is really doing the thinking

[MrBond]

"This is why I am hopeful that she is really doing the thinking"

This is actually bad. You really don't know what she's thinking. She could also very well convince herself that leaving you is the "true" path to become independent. That's how my W was at first and lead her to stay away even longer.

[Steady9]

Renewing the vows is not for romance. It is to establish boundaries, commitment etc and to signify the significance of the A and the damage to the MR. maybe stronger is that I said we broke up over this. If you want to be married to me-- you will have to ask me to marry you again - and tell me what is important to you in a new marriage ... as I have restablished being man versus a H so to speak.

That being said. I will take advice and look for her to drive C

[Natus]

So far to me seems to be playing out as typical WW behaviour.

I think you have let her back in to easily you are now love blind. Have you focused on you at all? all we hear is updates about how shes trying, i thought the same too in my sich- she did everything i asked and needed. Turned out to be a phase from getting caught.

It was only when i stood back during physical separation that did it dawn on me how ruined the M is. You have a grieving process to go through too and its going to suck alot (like months and months and months alot) before it gets better.

[Steady9]

For myself -- I have worked on my fitness and my work. I lead a small company and that helps me a little to move on.

I am scared that my W may not truly love me anymore. At face cake she is doing many good things but now I have fear that I hope to resolve. I keep working on trust even with the history.