Here is my sitch Wife 16 years in R, 10 Married, Son 3 In May W says we have a problem, I say no we are good. She says no we aren’t. We talk for several days ILYBINILWY, your like a brother, we are just friends, you deserve someone who loves you, im tired of clening up after you etc. We schedule separate introductory meetings with a MC and summer goes by and we don’t really talk about it. I try to help more around the house and then 2 weeks before our first MC session as a couple she says there is no reason to go. WHAT begging and pleading begins and we both lose 15 pounds overnight and I help her create a list to bring to our first MC session. I ask before our session if she wants to read her letter she says no. D day arrives and she asks if she can spend the night at her parents. I say sure. We go to MC and she is all business and unleashes 7 pages of hate even to the point where the MC says to be careful about being “hateful”. She finishes her letter reading and the MC calls time and we walk out. She hasn’t been back since. No opportunity to attend further MC. I was able to get her to go to my C to tell him what I did wrong but she refused to talk about the R if she went. She would only go to help this “not happen to me again”. Current sitch she has been gone for 2 months we split time with our S3 and we continually fight over when he is with who. She has a hard time keeping the 223 schedule. She travels for around 3 days a week twice per month and wants me to pay her back for the days that she is away. It has been a topic of much contention. I reside in the home and any attempt to discuss the R is met with “I don’t want to be with you” “I’m pretty sure I know what I want to do” Have read DR am working on detaching and 180 does not seem to be working. She seems like a completely different person. After she left she went and got a tattoo has been spending money and going to concerts, she immediately removed her wedding ring and hasn’t worn it since. Kind of wondering where to go from here? Want her back, best friend, she has removed herself from everyone but her family but I know she is starting to check up on me through other people. any help would be much appreciated
Me - 35 / W - 33 S - 3 Together - 16 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs Bomb Dropped - late aug 2016 Moved out - same day 2016
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
She finishes her letter reading and the MC calls time and we walk out. She hasn’t been back since. No opportunity to attend further MC.
Echotym,
I'm sorry you're here, but you've found a great place for help and support. Right now, MC probably won't provide much help for your marriage. Both partners have to be onboard for MC to work well.
I figured that out through trial and error unfortunately. We have only attended one event as a family since BD. I have been invited to so to Halloween to be with my S3 and she will be there. Wondering if I should go?
she also seems to use texting as a primary means of communication and we neer talk. it is difficult to talk or connect like that.
thanks for any help you have. Just trying to formulate a good consistent game plan.
Me - 35 / W - 33 S - 3 Together - 16 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs Bomb Dropped - late aug 2016 Moved out - same day 2016
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I figured that out through trial and error unfortunately. We have only attended one event as a family since BD. I have been invited to so to Halloween to be with my S3 and she will be there. Wondering if I should go?
she also seems to use texting as a primary means of communication and we neer talk. it is difficult to talk or connect like that.
Echotym,
She's not interested in connecting with you right now. This is your opportunity to work on yourself and be a good dad.
Regarding the Halloween party, I don't know if it's DB or not, but doodler would find an interesting costume and go to the party and be gregarious and have as much fun as possible at the party (you don't have to interact with your wife at the party). Just don't scare the children.
I have been invited to so to Halloween to be with my S3 and she will be there. Wondering if I should go?
Just curious about your custody arrangement. Why does W "get" Halloween? Is there a plan in place regarding Thanksgiving and such?
As for the event, consider what you want to do and why you want to do it. If you will get to walk around with your son and such, great. If youre going for the chance to 'connect' with W while your son is walking up and down the driveways, Id pass.
Originally Posted By: Echotym
she also seems to use texting as a primary means of communication and we neer talk. it is difficult to talk or connect like that.
Agree with doodler. She doesnt want to connect with you now, so I wouldnt push to do anything else with her. Stop with the pursuit of 'family time'. Now is a great time to focus on yourself and your relationship with your son.
I have messed up with the not letting her know about DR I had her read the first chapter. She provided no comment. Hopefully that doesn't do to much damage.
I'm having a hard time managing both my family and hers. All parties are very confused by this reaction as we have never had any issues before.
How should I deal with her family. They call me all the time to talk about the sitch they try to help by takkkng to her. Also people are starting to reach out and ask if they should call her, they want to but are worried they will do damage. She has not had the pleasure of discussing her reasoning and people have good questions that she does not have any answers for.
How do you manage all the people and questions. No one can understand this reaction to the issues presented. These are all issues they have experienced in their marrriages and would never consider divorce.
If the answer is don't talk to them it's way too late for that when she walked out the door she called all family members and my friends to tell them why she was leaving.
Thanks again for all your help it is much appreaciated.
Me - 35 / W - 33 S - 3 Together - 16 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs Bomb Dropped - late aug 2016 Moved out - same day 2016
Your sitch sounds very similar to mine. we were together for 18 years (married 10) and have a S of 3.5. my W dropped the bomb 3 days after my Birthday (8 weeks ago) - so many similarities here.
Over the last 8 weeks I've learnt that I can't control what my W does (or doesn't) do; I can't control what she thinks or how she treats me. All I can control is myself.
Concentrate on you and your S. Try and build a life for yourself and GAL. Read as many stories as you can (I find it helpful to know that I'm not the only one going through this).
Ask questions, get advice and try and look after yourself. Don't do any 'investigative' work and try not to second guess what her word or actions mean.
If your W is unable to commit to the times that she is responsible for her S, that's her issue, not yours. Yes it's always best to be flexible to an extent, but if she's left you, she's also left the support of a Husband!
Chin up buddy and keep on keeping on.
M - 36 / W - 32 S - 3 Together - 18 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs Bomb Dropped - 4th Sept 2016 Moved out - 4th Sept 2016
I'm having a hard time managing both my family and hers. All parties are very confused by this reaction as we have never had any issues before.
How should I deal with her family. They call me all the time to talk about the sitch they try to help by takkkng to her. Also people are starting to reach out and ask if they should call her, they want to but are worried they will do damage.
"Thank you for your concern. I would rather not talk about this anymore."
