Summer Fling turned into nightmare

[Cadet]

I don't believe you can fall out of love just like that since the arguing has stopped I can see him struggling to be intimate with me he has laid on my lap while watching a movie and we've cuddled a few nights haven't actually said I love you but I have a few indicators.

One of the things I have learned here is

Love is a CHOICE.

[bluthre]

I can believe that because he isn't in this " in love" mood all the time and I figured when he's not showing it he is thinking of the affair! but makes me walk on eggshells, I never know when he'll spaz out

[Sotto]

I think patience, time, genuine remorse and consistency are the key here. Your M has suffered a big trauma and the very foundations of trust on which every M is built have been severely shaken. For now, I would be grateful that he is still there and he seems willing to give your M a further chance.

If by 'spaz out' you mean him getting angry and feeling upset about what happened, my guess would be that may happen for some time. Looking back at my life, I see two of the most painful events - the death of my brother and my XH's infidelity. So, it is on that scale I'm afraid. It is possible to rebuild things, but it does take time and effort. That's not to say that you should tolerate any unreasonable behaviour, but it is important to accept that he may ruminate on things and want to discuss them, long after you are heartily sick of hearing about it and want to close the door on the whole sorry episode.

You may want to do some reading yourself and understand more about what got you to a place where you chose to be unfaithful. What were the pre-existing conditions in your M that contributed? How do you maintain boundaries with members of the opposite gender? What is okay & what crosses a line for you? How did that line become crossed?

You and your H may find it helpful to read After the Affair - it's pretty detailed and insightful when it comes to infidelity and there is much helpful information for the spouse who strayed and the betrayed spouse.

Do keep posting. Many of us here have spouses who were unfaithful and can provide insight. I'll also post a shout out to Sandi, who is a much loved poster on the forum and years ago had an A and their M was restored.

Take care

[Sotto]

Oops sorry - there's a wayward smiley up there

[bluthre]

Thank you! Sotto after doing some reading here I do see that I'll need to prepared to talk about it again and again it just grosses me out having to publicly talk about my encounter with the other guy but i'm beginning to understand its part of his healing in the beginning I thought he was just torturing making me talk about it. with the other guy he is from a different culture so I feel that's what had me learning new things accent etc something completely different from when i'm home it was all "new" and I was suckered in.

[LiM]

Bluethre,

Never thought I'd be giving advice to a WS and yet here I am. I would think being humble and remorseful are the main things you need to focus on. There are books on "how to help your spouse heal from your affair." I recommend you find those on Amazon and read them. Its not ok that your H has also gone out and slept with OW during this. Clearly, he is acting out and trying to take revenge. That's not ok but I think you understand why he did. He's angry and hurt and he feels the M is over so he thought he can do whatever he wants.
Knowing that your S has been with another person is about the most devastating thing that can be known to a S. It hurts to the core of our being. It will forever leave a whole in our souls.
We can recover from it. We can go on to have a better R than we had before. But we can also choose not to.
It sounds like your A has ended and will not continue. But trust has been broken and that will take time to recover. Both of you will need to work on rebuilding trust in each other.
I would encourage you, like others have, to really dig deep and find out why you thought this was OK. What was missing in your M? What made your M vulnerable to an A? It still doesn't excuse your decision to have an A but there are things that made your M vulnerable to it. Find those things and work on them.

[bluthre]

thank you and I do feel as though he is lashing out asked him why is he talking to other women? is he looking to start a new relationship etc, he says no he's not looking for anything serious and they know that so I think he's doing it to hurt me! yes the affair has ended and no contact is being made with the other person but my husband doesn't believe me ive written down all my social media account passwords phone password etc and told him he can check anything when he'd like but he still refuses to believe that ive stopped talking to the other guy or he will go on to say that im talking to someone else that's closer to home since this guy is 1000 miles away.

[Natus]

It might not all be about hurting you. You tore a hole in his heart. He might be acting this way (OW) to bury the pain to get over you.

He wont be rational at this time, i know i wasnt no matter how hard i tried to be. My core being was shattered when it happened to me.

Some professional help to process his feelings would be beneficial to him. Problem is it cant come from you, hes likely to dismiss what you say at this time.

[MrBond]

"I don't believe you can fall out of love just like that since the arguing has stopped I can see him struggling to be intimate with me he has laid on my lap while watching a movie and we've cuddled a few nights haven't actually said I love you but I have a few indicators."

Mind reading on your part. I don't think you notice how much you talk about YOUR feelings in comparison to his. For example, you imply that you think he asks for details too much and makes YOU feel "gross", without REALLY understanding how much he needs to do that. You say you do, but you don't understand the pain of being betrayed like many of us have.

"is he looking to start a new relationship etc, he says no he's not looking for anything serious and they know that so I think he's doing it to hurt me!"

See again you're mindreading and thinking in terms of yourself. He could very well be looking at other women because they haven't hurt him the way you had. He needs something to heal that hurt. Not everything he does is done to affect you. That sounds like more of your ego talking. You don't know.

[bluthre]

Wow thank you for the self reflection and that's very true @mr.bond. ...
Well since my last updat everything has turned back sour.
He admitted last night that we have been getting to comfortable and that the sex and intimate contact needs to cease for good as its only giving me false hope and even though I haven't said it he knows my actions 😩 So at this time we're in our separate spaces and he says he plans to be out by the beginning of the new yr.