WS has to come into the house this evening to see his daughter off for her plans so I am actually putting my laptop in my car.
NC today although he did send myself, my daughter, and my son an email with info to a free magazine offer he had won. I didn't respond.
I am having trouble with the GAL part. I have reconnected with a couple of past friends. I am making sure to eat healthy and take care of myself. However, DD and I have zero funds really and WS only watches her on one evening a week while I have an appointment and Saturdays while I work. I have zero time to myself. What other kind of GAL stuff can I do? DO I continue to let him come into the house?
Hang in there sister. I know how bad it hurt. Know THIS: YOU ARE VALUABLE AND WORTHY!!!!!!! You DESERVE better than this and your WH is unwilling to treat you with the respect you deserve. No one deserves this. Be strong. Find ANYTHING to do to occupy your time. Spend this time working on yourself. Learn to see that you are valuable and worthy and that you are enough without your WH. Find your confidence and strength. The following is something I read just yesterday. It was written by a fellow forum member named Pigpen. This is what you need to be doing.
I can sum up the process and advice that helped the most this way, I think I wrote this story out for someone on here but looking at it like this helped me immensely. I call it "The Two Island Theory."
Island 1 had my W, my M, and my old life on it. I LOVED that island, but it wasn't the best place for me. I thought it was when I lived there but I was overlooking a lot of dysfunction. But I was so heavily invested in living there that I was blind to so much. That blindness made me fight and fight and fight to stay living on Island 1. I had made a commitment to be there, had my life energy, my time, and my finances invested there. Leaving there would be excruciating on so many levels I just couldn't do it.
That being said, I had been kicked off that island with BD. When my WAW left, that island was no longer my home (as Cadet says, at BD things are usually done). The more I fought to get back on the island, the more my W wanted me off of it. She had already moved to her own little fantasy island elsewhere so I was fighting to be there alone or to remain in the memory of it. Mostly in the fantasy of the memory of it. The glorification of it. My mind would play all kinds of tricks with me, changing memories to only reflect the positive, having me use any and every interaction with my W to secretly try to trick her back onto Island 1. And the pain, oh the pain of not being there with her drove me nearly crazy. I NEEDED to be back there with her, at least the old me did.
Buuuuut. When I came on here, the advice was "The only way to get back with your W is to walk completely away from Island 1. To do this, you have to do it down to your core, not just do it in name, but to live it, to breathe it, to fight day in and day out to authentically walk away from it." That's some impossible chit to do, but I had to do it. We all do.
I did it by creating Island #2. That was an entirely new life for me. Sobriety, men's groups, a change of my business, meditation, getting back to surfing, starting a blog, therapy, seminars, constant audiobooks - a rebirth of sorts over and over and over again. The old PP had to go. How he thought, how he reacted to things, how he lived. The new PP had to be born of new experiences - not dissociating from pain, being honest, finding new friends, acquaintances, a new tribe. Changing my DNA through new experiences. Leaving my comfort zone so far behind me I had no idea where the hell it was. Every situation was terrifying, but into them I walked, day after day.
Everyday I would ask myself if I was building Island 2, or staying stuck on Island 1. Was I pretending to be on Island 2 while still secretly living on 1? Was I telling people I had moved on without really moving on?
The key was to fill up my new life (Island 2) with new experiences, with so much richness, so much excitement about the future, so much wonder about what could possibly happen next, and (here's the key) so much GRATITUDE for what I still did have, that I simply stopped thinking about Island 1. I viewed it as my old life while a new one was doing everything in it's power to come out of me. Working with a Jungian therapist helped with this, as did reading stories of people who had similarly lost everything and then rebuilt their lives in exactly the way they wanted to. Cultivating curiosity about where this all may lead and living in that curiosity was a game changer. Suddenly my life went from "all loss" to "holy cow, maybe this all could be leading me somewhere I never would have gotten without it...let's hang out and find out."
Really Surfer, it's about listening to the advice you get here with a mind that says, "How can I take what I'm being told here and live it fully?" as opposed to "How can I take what I'm being told here and use the painless parts of it, or as little as possible, while secretly hoping that doing so gets me my spouse back?" You have to be willing to throw yourself into the unknown day after day after day.
Cadet says to use the time you're given - are you using every single day as an opportunity to better yourself? That's action, not just thought. What actions are you taking day in and day out? Are you relentless about them? Are you the new 5am regular at the gym? Are you getting counseling? Have you hired coaches if you can afford them? How is your life different than how it was in your M? Are you going to meet ups, learning how to salsa, learning a new language, an instrument, changing your wardrobe, etc. How much ACTION are you taking?
Action is the key. That and letting go. Letting go every day. Of the possibility of reconciliation, of the desire to be with your S again, any of it. ALL of the success stories I read had one theme in common - they were done. They had moved on. They were dating someone else and loving it. They had moved across the country. Etc. Then and only then did things shift. It's a double edge sword, to get something back you want you have to stop wanting it! That's a challenge of spiritual magnitude my friend.
Now instead of wanting my W back, I want an incredible partnership. I want to know my partner has my back in all areas. I want exceptional communication. I want us to talk about the hard chit, the stuff that no one else is willing to discuss. I want to be able to lay my entire soul out on the table and say, "This is me. Here are great parts, here are the dark parts, here is the stuff I'm still confused about, here are the potential pitfalls. This is all of me, let's see you."
The type of person I'm going to co-create with will look at everything on that table and say in return, "Awesome, thank you for sharing all of that. I may get scared but I'm not going anywhere. I'm in this especially on the hard days. Btw, here's me. Here's what I've got in my soul backpack."
If that person is my STBXW so be it. I doubt it, she hasn't done the work I have. But if she steps up, we can talk about it. BUT, that's the bar I'm holding for a future relationship. The future Mrs. PP is going to have to be one hell of a woman, because she's getting one hell of a man. No longer am I after just one woman, my STBXW, now I'm after that partner, whomever she may be.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Thank you so much, Lim, for the awesome post. I love it. I will read and read it.
Today was better. I am faking it until I make it at work. No one knows. There would be no purpose in telling anyone there and I think it helps. It forces my mind off of my troubles for most of the day and makes me put a smile on.
Things I did for myself today:
1. Went to my support group. 2. Ate healthy. 3. Made a hair cut appt. Think I am going to get a new do. 4. Made a new friend maybe 5. Reconnected with an old friend and I was so glad to see him! 6. Went to a secondhand store and bought a lamp. WS never wanted me to have a lamp in the bedroom because he hated when I read.
I did not contact WS today. However, he did contact me and I wasn't really sure how to respond. He sent quite a few texts about our daughter(that were unnecessary) so I either didn't respond or said, "Okay, thank you" or "thank you. I appreciate that." Then he sent me a text asking if I was going to MC alone on Thursday. I responded that I could. He then messaged back that he thought it was better that we both go. I didn't respond because I wasn't sure what to say.
A couple of hours later, I got another series of random texts. Telling me something about the cat, that DD was watching tv, and that he was leaving. I just said okay. A few minutes later I got back, "Sorry to interrupt whatever you are doing." I didn't respond but when I got home, I noticed that he had taken my garbage bins out to the curb. He, in the past, has felt underappreciated so I opted to send a message that said, "Thanks for taking the bins out! It was great not to have to go back out and pull them to the curb. Much appreciated!!" He promptly sent back, "no problem". I didn't respond.
Doing okay today. I've maintained NC and really, I haven't had the urge for contact. I am working on moving his stuff out of his dresser drawers. It bothers me to look at all of his stuff in my bedroom. Is that wrong? Is it okay that I am bagging it up? I went to my psychiatrist today. He made a med change and stepped down my anti-depressant and upped my anxiety and sleep meds. Hopefully, it will help.
MC tomorrow. Anyone have any idea how I should handle it?
We are going together and by his choice. We were seeing her prior to Dday. Last appointment, there was a discussion on whether she should become my IC which would mean stopping being our MC but WS decided he wanted us to see her again.
MC is notoriously disastrous if both parties are not fully onboard to work toward repairing the marriage. If you do go, just don't anticipate a great outcome. The old saying, "plan for the worst and hope for the best" is a good adage that applies in this situation.
Molly -- just keep doing what you're doing re the texts. Their subject matter (not important stuff) and frequency suggests he's noticing your changes/pull back and is temperature checking to see if you will come jumping back into the boat.
On the MC, I'm mixed. I definitely agree you'll get nowhere if you both aren't motivated to make the MC work if at all possible, but WS is apparently saying he wants to go, so I'm hard pressed to see how you wouldn't want to go and see if there's anything in it, albeit with the lowered expectations doodler wisely counsels.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
