Found out about W affair, she does not know I know

[Jug]

I'll comfortably say that everyone here struggles with how unfair infidelity is. People are just at different stages of it. Many of us aren't even at the stage where the ws has even come back yet. Fortunately lots of books cover forgiveness and getting past it.

Your ww's actions look positive and you are in a position that many of us would envy(relatively speaking). Work with counselors and keep reading and posting!

[Steady9]

So last night watching tv on the sofa- my W asks why the cologne? (So I never wear cologne except for past 3-4 weeks. Guidance from 180-37 rules etc.. I have worn cologne and shaved and etc every day to look nice. )

She is actually wondering if I started to be available to others over the past weeks.... she inquired with a few more questions but all with a fun tone but a sense of genuine curiosity if I am seeing someone. Hmmmmm

[j20a00g]

So last night watching tv on the sofa- my W asks why the cologne? (So I never wear cologne except for past 3-4 weeks. Guidance from 180-37 rules etc.. I have worn cologne and shaved and etc every day to look nice. )

She is actually wondering if I started to be available to others over the past weeks.... she inquired with a few more questions but all with a fun tone but a sense of genuine curiosity if I am seeing someone. Hmmmmm

Bingo! Glad to see it's working

[MrBond]

Honestly, you need to approach the subject of a C as soon as possible. The longer this goes on without being addressed, you're just going to keep making excuses as to why you don't need it. Again, sweeping things under the rug is NEVER good.

[Steady9]

Today my W is reading about infidelity. She let me know that she learned that I will need some questions answered even if she felt I did not need to know. I asked her something that she did not answer yesterday-- and today she quickly gave me straight answer. She told me she needs to over deliver on promises made. Sh told me that it will take longer for me to heal versus her.

She is reading about causes for affairs and then started talking about how we drifted apart even though we were having sex regularly, the other touching or smiles or friendliness drifted away. And she knows she should have said something.... stronger than she did. (And I know I should have been paying more attention- being more engaged and committed )

She says she is not doing this work out of guilt or security. She is doing it because she is still in love with me and she wants to stay married.

We will both do some more reading and then address the C.

[Vapo]

Also, do not forget, if she's had sex with that dude, she SHOULD get tested for STDs. STDs are no laughing matter...

[Sotto]

You guys may perhaps want to consider a Retrouvaille workshop at some point??

It is very early days here, but I'm glad to read about the work your W is doing and the convos you are having. Mr Bond is right in that rug sweeping isn't the way to go..

Good luck with things

[Natus]

While things do look positive, i would advise against jumping back in with both your feet.

She needs to put the work in, and you still need to work on your boundaries, expectations, GAL etc.

[Steady9]

I asked a couple more direct questions and she answered them ... these we sex related. (But her answers helped me-- they used comdoms. It was two times and there was no oral involved. I know some people may not need details. But I needed or wanted a couple of details.... )

She said that she has never stopped loving me.... she said that over this year there were times when she wanted to give me a hug after I got ready for work. ... but she was not going to do that since everything was not alright... she did not say she loved because same reason.

She is normally tough. She says and I would say. This year she did. It know what to do. She felt Ike there were things I was not doing and we just did not get it worked out. ( me being present/engaged with her and or kids)

I asked why didn't she just raise her hand and say something-- I would have rather talked before you had sex with someone... we are certainly talking now.

She discribes the affair as a car wreck and I discribe it as nuclear war.....

My W is more immature than I thought. Not pointing or blaming... just recognizing that I put too much on her and was not paying attention.

Even though she is 42.... she was acting like when we first met. "I am not going to walk over and give you a hug....". She was frustrated

It is hard to get my head around. She did not think I would ever find out .... but I think it took this event and my conversation to say I was letting her go... for her to picture life without me. She says she never pictured life without me... not sure I believe her over this year.

She is continuing to read about infidelity so more to come.

[j20a00g]

Why is she reading about infidelity? Both of you lived it.

Only SHE knows why she felt the way she did, a book won't help.

Stoked you are getting the answers you need to move forward. What I wouldn't give to be in your position right now