I would second the yoga recommendation. If you find a good teacher, I think it is one of the best things we can do for general wellbeing. I definitely feel a difference if I don't do yoga for a couple of weeks. The other nice thing with yoga is the yoga breaks option. I did a yoga weekend this year and loved it!
Good for you with the food. Maybe start slow and try one new recipe every couple of weeks to build up your repertoire again?
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Speaking of vacationing alone and yoga-- there's lots of yoga retreats in beautiful places that you can go alone to! I've gotten some of the catalogues for years and I've had friends who have gone and loved it. I've never been, but will consider that in the future for my vacation time.
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
Ah yes holiday and yoga all rolled into one! I will have to wait a couple more years before i can go away to one of these resorts without D as she is more of a beach babe!!
Just got back from the local shopping centre. Bought a lovely floaty dress for work and a nice shirt to wear with jeans. Stopped for a coffee and had a banana and walnut slice toasted with butter, yum!
Also picked up a 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle which I'm going to start with my Mum tomorrow. D helped me pick it out which I was quite suprised about but I think she secretly quite likes a jigsaw puzzle!!!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
I see you are over here in MLC, and I don't check over here, for not much reason other than the habit of only looking in Newcomers. I quickly read over your thread and am confused as to why you think he is having a MLC? If I recall he picked up and left, there has been no contact, and now your D is separating from him, however you don't know what he is up to or if there is OW--did I miss something?
The reason I am probing is because I want to caution you from trying to make sense out of his behavior as a way of invalidating it. Some people have As and leave their spouse or just walk out on the M and we don't always understand why. I think there is some subjectivity as to what a MLC is--some might define it in more extreme terms where as others might say that a person bold or depressed enough to walk out the way he did must be having an MLC--but either way he is gone and he means it. They all "mean it" in the sense that their actions are leaving the M, and MLC or not does not help in assuming if they will come back, it just means the journey could be longer. Job, is that wrong to assume?
Sometimes they come back around and often they don't. We cannot predict this. We can spend a lot of energy trying to analyze if they will, what they are doing, why, mind reading, etc, but none of that serves us in moving forward. The reason I started posting at all is because having come out on the other side now, I can see how I caused a lot of my own pain by focusing on WH and his actions. I see that you are texting him but it hurts you when he doesn't reply or makes you anxious waiting. My dear, please, please don't torture yourself in that way! You must have zero expectations of him right now. Protect your heart because no one else ever will.
That is how we begin to move forward. Let go of expectations of him. He is gone. Turn the focus into being the best Coly you can be and fill your life with love and support. I see so much postive in your sitch and that has nothing to do with him. That jerk picked up and left you and it's okay to be mad!
Start to slowly and consistently bring back focus to what matters.
-Coly -her D -her friends, family, people that love her -an awesome promotion -yoga -puzzles -something that brings you joy each day big or small -fun plans to look forward to this week -that home project or craft or whatever
But make this list your own. Edit and add as you wish. Reread it every morning and night. When you think of H or your heart aches for him, snap that rubber and and pull out your list for YOU. How can we recondition your mind? Eventfully your heart will catch up.
Trust me, you do not want a man that can up and leave you and your D. You do not. You want and deserve a man that values you and your M, that will stick by you in hard times, that is open and honest, and that is willing to look at himself and his actions. Until that man appears and is extremely remorseful, he can take that chocolate cake and shove it right up his arse as far as I'm concerned!!!
Look, my H has been back and done ALL the work. He is a changed man, good H, and wonderful father. I still have to deal with the hurt he caused me and my family. But I also know I allowed that. I allowed him to hurt me. I wish that I had protected my heart more.
You can start now. I know you can. Each week and month will slowly get better if you can start to take those baby steps away from him.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Hey Blu, thanks for stopping by, I'm glad you found me over here.
I guess I'm not necessarily trying to label him but I think a lot what he said sounds like he is having some sort of crisis. For example he said it was like a switch went off inside him and he doesn't feel like himself anymore and that life is too short. Coupled with his age I thought it might me something like MLC. IDK maybe I'm clutching at straws.
You are right though he did walk away and he has flaked on me and the marriage at the first sign of the bad times and that really hurts and I am mad! Mad that I took a chance on a man who had never had a long term relationship at the age of 35. I should have known but I took that risk and I gambled with mine and my daughter's happiness and that guilt is sometimes so overwhelming. But the hardest thing is knowing this fact and coping with and trying to accept the rejection of both me and our marriage.
Sometimes i fantasise phoning him and telling exactly what I think of him but that's not DB. I want to scream down the phone at him and ask him what I did to deserve this complete rejection, like I don't exist anymore like our marriage and our family meant nothing to him! I haven't spoken to or contacted him in nearly six weeks (except for his birthday) and he hasn't made one been of effort to contact me. Speaks volumes doesn't it! And yes I want to tell him where to shove his chocolate cake!
Me and D seem to be clashing a lot at the moment and I spoke with her today and said we really need to work together rather than against each other. She feels my pain and is also dealing with her own. We just seem to be angry at each other all the time and I know I need to focus on her and our relationship. I won't let him destroy that as well. She is a good kid, just trying to be a teenager but having to deal with the crap as well.
How do I let go Blu? How do let go of this pain, hurt, anger and complete rejection of who I am and everything we stood for? How do I move forward for me and my D when I have all the memories of our life together and hopes for the future imprinted on my brain. How can I be there for me D when my heart feels like it has been ripped out and discarded by the one person I trusted it with....
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Coly- run, not walk over to pigpen's thread. He says to google pain, guru, and TED- and watch his TED talk (or just google) (scroll down, it's there!!) This is the advice we need, and exactly right now!!
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
How do I let go Blu? How do let go of this pain, hurt, anger and complete rejection of who I am and everything we stood for? How do I move forward for me and my D when I have all the memories of our life together and hopes for the future imprinted on my brain. How can I be there for me D when my heart feels like it has been ripped out and discarded by the one person I trusted it with....
I feel that.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
It is extremely difficult and it can take a long time. The more you focus on him and the hope that he will come back, the longer it takes. Thus the saying fake it until you make it--allow yourself moments to not think about him and the heartache and enjoy life. Over time those moments will become longer.
Have you ever lost someone close to you that died an unexpected death? Or really, any death that caused you much grief? This is similar in that it is the death of your M. Each person grieves in a different way and for different amounts of time. Sometimes long periods of sadness, hopelessness, frustration, then guilt, and even interspersed with humor and bursts of joy. You will find your grief pattern when you accept that he is gone and allow yourself to let go. I see that you--and many posters--have not let go.
Someone very close to me died right before I found out about my H's ea. So yeah, he was having an A with my "friend" while this person was dying and then died. He even had the nerve to drop the ILYBINILY cr-p while I was going through this. It was terribly painful and confusing. I didn't even know how to grieve because I was so blindsided by his behavior. The loss of my M was far more painful than the loss of the person because I also felt betrayed and unworthy of love.
I held on tight to WH for a long time. I couldn't accept that he was gone. Eventually I let go. And I can see now how much more it hurt me to hold onto hope. So I think step one is letting go of hope. That is the hardest step. Then you can grieve the death of your M.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
