Hi Lou, Your thread was one of the first that I read in its entirety when I got here. It's so incredible to see that you are about to experience this new chapter that has yet to be written. You have had quite the adventure this far and have handled your whole situation with strength and grace. I wish you and your h nothing but good things.
All the best.... Take care and feel good!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Hi my darling Lou. I'm caught up now on your plans. Forgive me - I have barely been here. Lou, I wish you every happiness and blessing on your trip. You've worked so hard, you deserve a respite. Check in when you can. I would love to read your updates! I'm so proud of you for all that you've faced and accomplished. You, my friend, are a rock star!!! Sending you much love xoxoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Hi everyone. Just a very quick update as I don't get much alone time atm and I don't want to get caught out.
Everything is going ok, h has been with me for a week now. It has been a bit disjointed but we are finding our way. Its more like living with a friend, the barrier he has created with showing affection and being physical is evidently still there for him, so I have left him to it, not initiated anything and letting him work it out for himself. I remember him saying a while ago that it may be a case of just spending time with me so he becomes comfortable and I become the norm and then that side of things will fall in to place - I hope so, but until then I really need to keep my own feelings in check and keep the expectations low.
H is wearing is wedding ring again - that surprised me - I have not put mine back on my left hand, it remains on my right. I don't feel ready to do that yet, perhaps because I don't feel safe with him and the full package has yet to be evident. But he is showing he is committed to me and our r which is a great start.
He has been really attentive, cooking dinner for me for when I get home, making my sandwiches for my lunch, even breakfast in bed today! He bought me a nice pair of walking boots yesterday so we can go hiking when we are on our travels.
Other news - I have one week left at work. Mixed feelings about it. I am looking forward to leaving the job and having a break before a new challenge, but giving up my security and saying goodbye to the really good friends I have made will be hard. I got my latest assignment in, was on the due date, which is unlike me, it was sheer procrastination on my part, I found this one a challenge as it had so many problems (the university paper not mine) which is the downside of being a guinea pig for a new course I suppose. Only 2 more assignments and I have completed the course so I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel for this part - I just need to decide what I want to study next now!!
My landlords have agreed to transfer my tenancy to S19, which is great news. He gets to rent his first place independently from me and I get to leave my stuff in the house saving me storage costs, so win win.
Well that's it from me, so far so good, baby steps.
Lou, I'm so glad you returned to post an update. It's going to take some time before he actually feels comfortable in his own skin. Dig deeper for patience and give him plenty of space.
I'm excited to read up on your travels/adventures when they get started. I'm also glad your S19 is going to be renting a place independently from you. It's a good learning experience for him.
Keep those baby steps going and keep your expectations low.
Hi Lou - Babysteps are steps. So happy to hear an update and sending you all the best. These present moments are, pardon the pun, a gift - focus in the moment and just continue to be beautiful Lou that finds the positive and has embraced the lessons and the love every step of the way.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Lou darling lovely to read an update from you! all seems to be moving along well ... just keep doing what you're doing! Sending love and light xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Firstly just want to say sorry for not keeping up to date with everyone's threads as I should, I have been on phone data for a couple of weeks so have had to be selective.
On that note, this is a quick update on how things are going over in my world. Well, the good news is h is still here. The bad news is, the trip away has been cancelled (was supposed to set off last week), we have sold the caravan and am back to being in limbo with him.
Everything was going ok, we have had a few ups and downs, mainly finding our level, but generally having fun, laughing and being comfortable around each other. But the physical (which I think I mentioned before) has not come about, not a kiss, not a touch, nothing. So I bought the subject up (as we are supposed to be practicing communicating better ) he admitted that his libido has gone and he had not noticed it had until he had spent a few days with me and realised he did not have any romantic feelings for me at all, in fact no desires in general.He says he wants to mend this area as to him it is the full package and he wants that, so he is starting therapy tomorrow, he has a couple of sessions alone and then I am to join him. He has voiced his concern though that it may return and he finds that I am indeed not appealing to him and in that case he wants to permanently separate as I wont be the full package and he wants to have the chance of meeting such a women .......good luck with that, seriously it will take a saint to put up with him and that's before he finds "the one" he can tolerate as he is so picky.
Those words - permanently separate - they rolled off his tongue so easily, it was quite unnerving. Anyway, for the first few days I was in a state over it, the whole "here we go again" feeling, but I contacted my IC and she talked me down off the ceiling and told me its actually quite common and not to worry unnecessarily, she feels because everything is there for him, all the other boxes have been ticked, he has made the moves to come back in to my life not the other way around, that this is just a hurdle we will get over together.
Being honest here, yes it will hurt if he decides to leave again, but I have found it challenging at times having him back, I have been on my own for the past couple of years and got into my own routines and enjoyed the selfishness single life brings.
So for now its watch this space, we should know which direction we are going in by Christmas. If we are staying together then I see us going from strength to strength. He is very attentive and aware of making me feel an equal to him, also wanting me to make decisions about what we do and where we live etc, (this was pre libido issue talk). His is giving more control over to me, which for a naturally controlling person is quite a change and challenge I am sure.
I gave up work, was the best thing I did, I feel so much better. I will start looking for a new job in a few weeks, but for now I am enjoying my time off. My course for this year is coming to an end, just one more assignment to complete. We are currently s19's lodgers as I signed over tenancy, but we are only staying for a couple more weeks as he has rented my room out lol.
So that's it from me. All change, nothing stays the same for long !! The trip dream is over for now, but I feel its more important to get these issues that occur sorted out sooner rather than later.
I will try to catch up with everyone soon. Love n hugs xx
Lou - Sorry to hear that things have taken a left turn. I'd been looking forward to hearing of your adventures in the caravan.
It sounds like you are working hard at making the best of your life though and are keeping hopeful.
Best wishes.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
There is not one feeling or emotion you are experiencing right now that would not be valid. I am glad you have IC to help you navigate the journey.
Love is not easy and sometimes it takes any entirely different shape but it is still love. I am glad you are communicating with H and staying hopeful yet strong in your new sense of self. These are all good things. Fantastic things because each and every day the most important relationship is the one we have with ourselves.
Keeping you in my prayers and sending you strength and support. Please keep us posted.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Lou, I'm sorry that things have hit a snag, but I'm not the least surprised by what he said. After all, reconnection is the hardest part of the journey because everyone wants everything to be A-Okay right away and it doesn't happen that way. Once they are back under the same roof w/you, it takes another 6-9 months or so for them to feel comfortable in their own skin. "Romance" isn't going to happen right away because there is still some depression floating around.
Don't rush the process of reconnection! You have to dig deeper than ever before for patience. Here's the link that I created many years ago that explains reconnection. It might help you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
