A WW? (5)

[lt0402]

fade, I'm home every day of the week and am with my daughter most hours I'm home. my wife has consistently pushed back on the meals/meds situation and I've been trying to break down that barrier. she tends to get high anxiety and extremely combative when I do, so I was trying a different more structured approach, though I can see how it could be viewed negatively. I keep finding myself wanting to move towards a cooperative approach with my W, but I'm seeing how she just doesn't care to do that.

I'll definitely re-read all this in a year. It's like I can see the light through the cracks in the wall right now, but I realize I'm not fully there yet. I meet w/ the Ls when I'm back from my work trip next Thurs and they should have a first draft of things.

DonH, it has become my norm. It's really difficult to separate what is normal and what is dysfunctional after having been in this situation for so long. I'm making progress on peeling back the more irrational stuff. I'm having difficulty figuring out how to properly address it and push back to something productive though. As an example, I showed up unannounced at my Ds tennis lesson yesterday bc we did a volunteer event at work and it ended early. When she saw me, W looked like someone had smacked her in the face. I went bc I wanted to and I enjoy seeing how D is doing. Such a small thing, but such a large overreaction from W. Getting better at doing things bc I want to do them, but still at times move down the path of least resistance. Working on fixing that.

Surfer/MulesQB, will come back and respond tonight. Was trying to respond in your thread last night, but crashed after putting D to bed.

Quick journaling. W sent a text and told me she was not going to visit her "friends" this weekend near where OM lives bc they couldn't get things together. I just responded with ok and left it at that. It is what it is.

I went to the co-parenting counselor for my first visit on Wednesday too. It was an individual session. Per the IC, W has yet to schedule her individual session. Guess we'll see how that goes or even if she does it. IC seems good from talking to her though.

Went to both of Ds tennis lessons on Wed and Thurs. That was fun and she's doing awesome. Very cool! D chose to ride home with me on Wed and we had a blast joking around. On Thurs, W took D after her lesson to a school sponsored dinner at a fast food place nearby. Both nights after dinner, D and I studied on the couch and then hung out together and played/watched some football right before bed. Hoping to catch part of the meteor shower with her this evening.

Hunting pokemon with her sunday morning. Getting pumpkins and doing random stuff with her tomorrow. All around a great weekend and am looking forward to it!

Thanks all for the feedback/support/thoughts. The honest, and sometimes, tough feedback is definitely appreciated too. Getting there, but realizing I've still got a bunch of work to do. Heading out from work to hang out w/ D for dinner and fun. Chat w/ all ya'll later!

[hawker]

You sound like you are doing great lt!!! I'm glad that you are doing what you want like going to D's tennis lesson even though ur W didn't know.... good for you! It sounds like you and D's bond is really tight and I'm happy for you!!

[lt0402]

I've been slacking on updates recently with work being hectic. Surfer, you are right. I am not on my back foot. I realized this right before W told me she wasn't going to see her "friends" this weekend. There are times when I am caught off balance by her, but they are becoming fewer by the day. I don't see her anywhere in the same light as I used to see my W now. Kind of [censored] but that's how it seems to be. We went as a family today to get pumpkins, go to dinner, and make a quick visit to the toy store. Felt no stress or pressure at all during it. W seemed to warm up a little, but it won't last. She still will not converse with me directly most times. All convo is wrapped around our D9.

She did spew tonight. We got home and she went to take a bath. D and I built a pillow fort and played Pokémon and scientist (a game we made up). Did that for 1.5 hrs. W asked us to do meds at 830 if she wasn't down yet. Slipped my mind as we played. W came down at 835 and got agitated we hadn't done it. I offered we had forgotten in the midst of our playing. Did meds and all good, though W still angry. Didnt stress me out like it has in the past Bc I know 5-10 minutes is no big deal. Seemed like controlling behavior by her anyway.

Surfer, funny you mention the dating part. While I'm not looking to date, I did download a dating app. I guess I'm curious about what else is out there since it seems like the next step in my journey. W has adamantly said she's out so at some point I'll need to start meeting women again. Unlike my W, I do want a partner in the future. A couple months ago I would have liked it to be her, but I can't be with her the way she is now. Again, [censored], but it is what it is. I won't be dating anytime soon, but I want to be ready when the time is right.

Mules, it's awesome you stopped in here! I've taken great solace from your thoughts in CTs and FGs threads and you are very much appreciated. I think you are spot on with the in house S comment. It's like I'm having to fight the same battle day after day and each day it just resets itself. A S version of Groundhog Day. I get to the gym 4-5 times a week typically and that's helped to balance me but it's also adding to the tiredness I think.

W is definitely pushing the S forward. We are still sharing the MBR too. I moved out of the mbr when W first went to see OM. I moved back in the second time she went to see him. She keeps talking like this is an issue but I've offered her to leave the MBR and her to leave the house if she feels like she cannot be around me. She views those as unfair and maybe I am too firm in them, but I view her thoughts around situation as irrational. I believe there is both strength and honor in my stance. I'm attempting to be firm but fair with W in our interactions and my decisions. I would not expect her to be treating me this way were our roles reversed here.

You are also spot on about my future starting here. I am working on myself for me and my D9 now. I'm a good dad, and I know that now. I'm also a good person and my W cannot convince me otherwise. I'll keep building on all of that and as each day passes I more firmly know it's going to all Be good in the future.

Hawk, yeah, i know when her anxiety is going to kick in but I'm working to not let it influence my decisions. That was a bit of a test for me to see just how hard she'd push back and fight. Funny thing is, I walked in confidently, said hello, and sat down and she was agitated but never brought it up to me. I had a great time watching D too! Still have my ups and downs, but the ups outweigh the downs by a decent amount now. Hope you are doing well hawk!

All, thank you for your thoughts! I'd be well back on the trail were it not for everyone here. I appreciate you helping to push me forward, though I may stumble at times! I'm travelling the next few days but will swing in to check up on others hopefully tomorrow!

[Surfer]

Hi matey.

There's little new here. She is still keen to spew. Ignore it. It's all horse sh!t. Can't remember if I told you I got the same for not putting the right 'pea sized' amount of toothpaste on kids toothbrush. I could have just said "are you a fcuking moron? It's a pea. It is therefore pea sized. Does it now to need be class one pea sized you Fkucing ####" Instead I validated (and thought the above LoL). Stay calm though all this mate.

The only thing you added was about the dating app. I did this with an app that rhymes with "cinder". Yours would have rhymed with "minder" no doubt - LOL, just joking. Seriously, I did exactly the same 4 times now. Downloaded looked etc. Someone wanted to get in touch. Delete. Realised WW friends might have contacts on there. Delete. Realised I am not ready (most important)" delete. I have decided I need to be happy with me again, properly, not just mostly, always. Then I will go back to the dating scene. However, I actually think when I am happy love will find me.......I will be off the market before I have found myself again. Long before I imagine.

Let's see.

You are a rock mate. Kids remember this.......

Surfer.

[lt0402]

I hear you surfer. The spew hasn't been massive lately but for some reason she laid it on thick last night and this morning. Hell, she got mad that I took the recycling down to the curb the other day. I'm a horrible, horrible person...geez

I do find myself wondering if us being physically S will reduce her anxiety level and she will be more balanced. If that's the case though, why even try to keep this thing together. She has a ton of work to do on herself that I can't do for her. Without her doing that I see no way to attempt to fix our MR. It's a shame.

The dating app that rhymed with "patch", ha!, was interesting. Saw someone on there my age from my office. Seems very mainstream nowadays. I'm not there yet though. I am further from my W, in regards to being attached to her (positively or negatively,) than I have ever been though. Scary but liberating st the same time. No doubt there will be backslides, but this really is all about my D and I now.

On the W confrontation front she got mad bc I put out ads mess this morning without asking W if D should have her Allegra. W got mad bc the washer wouldn't " work right" and I was the last person to do a load. W got mad bc I got D home 15 minutes later than we said we would, even though I texted W and told her we'd be late. Got D home AT lunch time, instead of 15 minutes before it. Can't make this up.

Took D to a new state park today. 8500 acres of fun! We did about 5 miles this morning of exploration and chit chat/joking around. D is such a free spirit, it's amazing. Saw a cool lake, a beaver lodge, had some fun around a few of the creeks and skipped some rocks. Caught a brand new Pokemon too, which got us both excited. All in, an amazing time. I asked D how I was doing with my promises and listening (hers and Ws two biggest complaints) and I got two "greats" back from D. Of course I ask what I could be doing better and D responds I could be listening better to mommy and doing what W asks and not doing what she doesn't ask. Same responses for the past few months. Happy D thinks her and I are good now.

I'm sitting on an airplane headed to a conference in Boston for 4 days. Going to miss my D immensely but it may help to decompress away from W for a few days. i meet with my Ls when I get back to discuss the agreement on our end. Still awaiting Ws, though I may get this week. We will see. Like you surfer I feel as though I'm in limbo right now. I do feel like this thing will move pretty quick once the agreements are hammered out though. Working to wrap my brain around that and have a few plans in place.

[hawker]

Lt, sorry about your redskins but it give the cowboys more breathing room. Haha. Thanks for the encouraging words on my thread it does help and you are right I think some of us "summer" people are doing better. I went out with friends this weekend and the thought of dating again makes me ill. Lol. I know I'm not ready and I'm not looking. I am good with me and my friends and what will happen will happen. Hope you have a great trip!

[Surfer]

On the W confrontation front she got mad bc I put out ads mess this morning without asking W if D should have her Allegra. W got mad bc the washer wouldn't " work right" and I was the last person to do a load. W got mad bc I got D home 15 minutes later than we said we would, even though I texted W and told her we'd be late. Got D home AT lunch time, instead of 15 minutes before it. Can't make this up.

Ignore this. It's just spew. I had this for months. At least 6 and solid rage. She was being a total b!tch. I exited, validated etc. I did anything so my kids didn't get woken. She was scaring them a lot - and me. S would help, but it won't necessarily help the R. I feel a lot happier with her gone, WW, but I miss my lovely W. Weird how they change. Sandi has such insight as to why. For me I don't thing she will truly have any regrets until I pull the money and take 50% of the kids time. I am struggling with this. As I sit pondering how exactly to make some artwork work for her 40th. It's something from the kids, I want to make it perfect. But actually, I should probably say to the kids. Here's the concept. Here's the glue and scissors - make it look like an 8 and 6 year old have done it. Sad, we perhaps are spending so much time really wanting back a person that has gone. A person in love. Let's face it you never want what you can have. Seems like the DB process right through.

Talking of which, when in Boston, if you go down to the quayside you will see a lot of tea floating in the water, can we have it back please? No only joking, don't look at the water, look up at the very top balcony of the Custom House building. The one that overlooks the water. It's a Marriott now - or was. It's got a nice circular lobby if you like buildings you could pop in. It was there on that balcony on Sept 11th 2004 that I was on bended knee, around 3pm asking my girlfriend if she would marry me. She seemed like such a happy, non-wayward wife then. Ah well - happy memories.

The only other place we went was the cheers bar, the park and various restaurants.

Cool stuff with your D. Be that perfect example. My D and S would tell me to listen too. I do much, much more. I think in hindsight I would have set her some boundaries for these conversations, problem is you need to so this out of earshot of the kids if she goes neuclear easy. The last they want is parents arguing. They don't need that it screws the, up.

It's kids holidays here. I have em from Weds to Sun so I am taking them to a famous theme park in the North of England. They will love it. Have also invited grandma and grandad who they are missing so much. We will stay overnight then visit relative they are desperate to see. Then got an inflatable assault course on water at the 2012 Olympic pool in London booked. I like to do things like this. It builds memories for them. Rather than just passing them an iPad so I can do my thing or taking them to my friends - which WW seems to consider 'fun'. Going to have a crack at taking them skiing soon.

Enjoy the course and have a safe journey. At least you will get some peace. I wouldn't get in touch with W at all if I were you.....see what happens. Be ready for the calls and validate but that's it.

Take care.

Surfer.

[fade]

Sounds like things are going well.

I suggest you delete that app though - just having that app is enough to blow up an adultery case if it comes to that. I saw that happen recently - a free account ended up costing a guy over 6 figures!

[lt0402]

Fade, yeah, I'm at a somewhat steady place right now. I did take that app off. Hadn't responded to anyone, but I know that I'm nowhere near ready and willing to start looking for other people. Still have some work I need to do on myself first. Appreciate the suggestion and thoughts!.

Back from my work trip. A good trip overall. Went into the office after landing but I cut out a little early to go to Ds tennis lesson. W saw me and was instantly cold and perturbed. Said hello to D who was happy to see me there. Said hello to W and got the cold shoulder. It's the right thing for me to do though.

D asked to ride home in my car. We had a fun time joking and talking about the past few days. Came home, did dinner with W and D in front of the tv, D did her shower, and then we read our books on the couch while D studied for a test. Smart kid!

D and I snuggled and did some iPad for the last 30 minutes before bed. We put D down to bed and then I went in mbr to get ready for bed. Get a text from W:

W: "Do you want to talk about the draft of the separation agreement or would you rather get it from your L?"

I go down to put my laundry into the drier and ask W if she has an electronic copy she can send me. She tells me her L had not finished it. She wants to talk about the custody piece and I tell her I'm not willing to do less than 50/50. She tells me I'm being selfish, am only thinking of myself, and she cannot go a full week without seeing my D (who's being selfish?). I hold my line there and she progressively gets nastier and drops an "f" bomb. I tell her I won't speak with her when she is talking to me like that and I leave. She screams behind me that I'm such an a-hole. I flip my laundry into the drier and she comes in the laundry room 5 minutes later. Speed about how unfair I am and how I'm putting D in a horrible place and W knows D will pick her in front of a judge. Spews a bit more then turns around and walks away.

in turn, I go to her and tell her that I've given this situation a ton of thought and the best thing for our D is a 50/50 split. I'm happy to take full custody and W can do the 2hrs and evening visits and every other weekend side of things if she would like (what she thinks I should do). W starts crying about the week on week off and how she cannot go for a week without seeing D. W tells me how D doesn't trust me, she only likes being around me when we are having fun. W tells me how horrible of a person I am and how it's ridiculous that I think D trusts me. I validate with I hear you, but I don't agree with you for most of it. We have about 10 minutes of actual productive talk where she opens up about her fears in all this, but we end up back in spew land. She says there is no way a judge will grant 50/50 and I'm only hurting myself by refusing to negotiate away from that.

W brings up 2 weeks ago when she says I broke a promise to D about taking her to school. I let her go for a bit,but she keeps coming back to it. (This is the promise W made to D on my behalf, unbeknownst to me). W says D told her I made a BS apology to her and D doesn't trust me to live up to any promises as I so clearly broke that one with D. Problem with that is that D is the one who told me W made that promise and D told me I wasn't around when she did. W keeps beating on it and using that as the reason D would never trust me.

Finally I tell W what D told me. W tells me I'm full of [censored]. That's not what happened. I am a liar, etc. I calmly tell W I know what happened and I'm very confident in the trust between D and I.

W then pokes me about moving out. She says to me "can you at least admit that I'm the primary caregiver for our D?" She keeps asking that question. I tell her we are 50/50 parents and both take care of the needs of our D. That makes her angry, she calls me delusional, and she keeps asking that question. I continue to tell her that I do not agree with her on that.

I tell her that I am just about he most rational and honest person she could be dealing with right now. I say she has told me the MR is over and while I won't push this forward, I won't stand in the way of her doing that. She tells me to stop playing the victim, she cries more about how awful it's been for her and D having to deal with me. How she is trying to get D out of this horrible situation I have created. How D continues to ask for me to live elsewhere. How if I were reasonable I'd move out for 2 months and leave her and D here. I tell her we can get an apartment and do week on and week off until the house is sold if that's what she needs but I will not do anything less than 50/50. She then says we need to tell D. I tell her I'm unwilling to tell D until we see the co-parenting counselor and discuss with her. I ask W when her appointment is and she says they won't call her back so she doesn't have one. They came back to me asap when I booked mine. Unsure what Ws deal is there. W says there is some other reason I won't tell D right now. I tell her I'm unwilling to tell my D without a well thought plan that's been vetted by the counselor. W says D will be ecstatic so we don't need a plan. W then agrees to do it after we see co-parenting counselor.

Hammers again on the primary caretaker thing. She gets pissed. Says the conversation is over and she can't talk to me anymore. All I do is disagree with her. All I am is angry and picking fights all the time. She wants to have dinner and not think about me for the rest of the evening. She tells me I can speak to her on text if I have anything else to say to her. I try to ask a question, she gets more mad,so I just get up and leave.

W then texts me 5 minutes later with more questions around our Roth IRA and our family trust documents. It's nuts. W did try to drag me down the path of our MR being fixable and why I thought that. I'm unwilling to have that discussion anymore.

So, I'm neutral here. I didn't let her pull me down the nasty path she was going. I probably should have cut the conversation at the start but I felt like I was ok having it. I will not bed from my 50/50 split of custody bc I know that's best for my D. My W is not someone I want my D around all the time now. W is not stable enough to give D what she needs by herself. I'm a rock and I will be there for my D through this. I won't let my Ws emotions/irrational behavior de-stabilize D. I used the "I'm sorry you feel that way but I do not agree" phrase so many times that by the end my W told me to stop saying that.

Curious on thoughts? Should I have just told her to beat it at the start of the conversation? She still seems off balance. She is still telling what I believe to be lies about Ds and my relationship. I found myself worried she was recirding the convo too based on the primary caretaker question. Maybe I'm paranoid.

I'll continue to do what I believe is best for my D, rehardless of how W views it. I'm doing that bc it's the right thing to do and my D deserves the best shot at stability she can get. Going to bed, but I'm doing so with a clear conscience and at peace mind. I know I'm doing the right thing for D. W has to have some inkling that she is not. Who knows. Thanks all!

[lt0402]

Almost forgot I'm the previous post. W specifically pointed out that I am "trying to rewrite history" and become dad of the year by posting all the stuff I am about my D on facebook and by coming to all of my Ds tennis lessons now.

This is all just kind of silly at this point