I have merged your two threads together. Please stick to one thread until you've reached 100 postings/replies. This allows us to follow your situation w/o confusion as to which thread to post to. Also, you can change your Subject line within a thread at any time.
I took advice and tried to detach. Tried to give him space. What occurs is a roller coaster. He checks in here and there, is amicable to me, but continues to do whatever he wants whenever he wants while letting me run the entire household/4 kids by myself.
On Sunday, he really pissed me off. I didn't talk to him for almost 3 days. He kept asking me what was wrong, what did he do. Finally, last night, somehow it turned into the dreaded R talk. Where he mentioned he is depressed, cited his paternal grandmother was depressed, talked about how he thinks he has changed and doesn't want his life to be chauffering kids to activites, he wants to travel alone, meet new people alone, but again re-iterated, he loves me, doesn't want to leave his life as he knows it, but has no desire to fix things with me and doesn't really believe we ever had a romance and he feels empty because if it. He says it is an important piece that is missing in his life. He cited that I am too independent, never tried to be sexy or seduce him, didn't validate him and doesn't feel loved by me. I told him he was wrong and told him if he thought he could find happiness else where he should leave and we should do it together. He says he isn't ready to make that decision and needs more time. He said he can't be in the house which is why he constantly leaves. The kids whining "mommy", neighbors coming in and out etc drive him insane. And he says he can't find anything to do in the house besides eat and drink and sleep.
This morning I cried to him, begging him to walk with me, help support me, that I felt so alone. He said he doesn't want to upset me, but he just doesn't have it in him to answer my open ended questions and doesn't know what working on it looks like to him. He told me he regrets saying anything to me about this and doesn't understand why I am so laser focused on him. He just needs time to be left alone and sort this all out. I left the house in tears.
I am completely lost.
How do live in this grey zone. He talks to me as a friend, but is completely detached from me. Can he really come out of this if I leave him alone? Do I go on with our life and attend social events with him as if nothing is wrong, REALLY?
What kind of 180 can I do when all his complaints about me I can't fix without focusing my attention on him. Right now I am 100% raising the kids. He is just a body in my house.
After all this, I am at work now. What do I do from here. Nothing? Do I go home and act like nothing is wrong? Continue my life? Really?
Your h is right...how can he help you if he can't even help himself? You have a grown up teenager on your hands and he's not going to help you. You need to pull up your big girl panties and start learning how to ask for help from friends and family. He's absolutely no good to you at the moment and it's going to be a long time before he will help you.
The more you talk to him, the more he's not going to do anything to help you. In fact, he's going to do whatever he wants and when he wants and what is so sad, you can't rationalize w/him. The first order of business for now is to cease all talks about him helping you and being there for you. These talks are pushing him further and further away. The hardest part is you are the only sane grown up in the room right now, which means you have to be the mother and the father.
Did you read all of HaWho's threads? She was in the same boat a year or so ago, but she's learned how to do for herself and her sons while her h is zoned out. Try to view your h as a roommate or a distant relative from Mars who is visiting and keep your expectations at zero because he's not going to do what you ask him...remember, he fired you from being his wife for now.
Time to regroup and start asking for help IRL. Leave him to twirl in the wind and if he asks about the kids, then tell him what's going on, but don't volunteer info unless you think it is something he really needs to know.
Go home this evening and do whatever you usually do and do not have another discussion about what he's not doing. If he raises the subject, then talk to him about it, but for now...leave it alone. Just like a teenager, the more you point out what they should be doing, the more they won't do what you are asking of them.
If he should do something for you or on his own and it's good, then be sure to thank him for doing whatever it is. The more he is recognized for good behavior, the better and the more likely he will begin to thaw just a wee bit and come forward to help out a bit. They need validation and admiration quite often.
Keep the focus on you and your children. Leave him to twirl in the wind.
Kdvor I'm sorry things are so bad for you at the moment. I don't have any magic solutions, no one does. It is really hard, but please don't ask him for help. He is already telling you he cannot cope, what will burdening him more achieve? I think you need to follow Job's advice to the letter. Think of him as ill. An illness that stops him from doing anything for you, maybe being in a coma or something. What would you do then? Would you beg him for help? Like I said, I know it's hard. Best of luck x
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Oh wow Kdvor, I heard ALL that same stuff with only slight variations.
I am sorry. All I can tell you is to re-read Job's advice again and again. Those pointers are what got me through the early days.
Other things that helped: I played music, played lots of board games w/my kids and baked. One thing I learned is you don't want his energy to dominate the home. You want to create the energy for your kids and for yourself; this is something I still have to do to this day. My advice is start this right off. No matter how awful you are feeling, do things each and every day that make it cheerful for your kids, even if you just burn a candle that makes the house smell nice.
Another helpful bit of advice is to make sure you are making eye contact with your kids, tousling their hair, smiling at them, hugging them, etc. Those small things are very reassuring to them.
Esame has also given you great advice. The fatigue of depression is very real. I am surprised your h recognized he IS in depression! He just doesn't have it in him and he's not faking. The more you ask for help/ask him to do his part the more he'll pull away.
I don't have any family here and I just did it myself. It was hard. But, honestly? Some MLCers insist on trying to run off with full custody of their kids. I was always thankful that my h had no interest in going this route. I cannot imagine turning my kids over to a crazy person.
My suspicion is you've already been doing most of the work anyway as he's been drifting off for a while now. You are stronger than you know!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Thanks guys. I keep reading HaWho's threads. They do make me feel a little better.
I am even more frustrated now, last night he told me he may go out of town to Boston today. This morning he told me he may not be going. I came home from work to find his overnight bag gone. Just called him to check in and no answer.
I know it's frustrating. As hard as it is, don't call him or text him. This will be viewed as pressure. If he calls just listen, be pleasant and don't say too much. Don't try to stay on the phone with him. Be cordial but brief.
If your kids ask to call him, let them of course. If they don't ask, don't tell them to do so (also pressure). In the early days, my h had his phone off all the time and did not return calls to any of us. Sadly, my kids stopped trying to call him and one day S13 told him he stopped trying as the phone was always off. (Don't try to fix this relationship between the kids and him, let it run its natural course. It is not your problem to fix.) My h now reaches out to the kids occasionally. With s11 he has gone retro by installing a landline!!! Oh, MLC is so weird.
In those days, I turned off my cell phone completely once my kids were home. I grew tired of worrying and for waiting for texts/calls that never came in. Find some way to keep yourself from calling/texting.
This is the space and time he will take no matter what. This is where you let him twirl in the wind.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Don't call him. Leave him be. He's a grown man and can take care of himself. Your focus now needs to be on you and your children. Checking in w/him reminds him of his mother....do you want to be considered his mother? I don't think so...besides you were fired as his wife...so don't check in w/him unless it is an absolute emergency.
Your man/child has to grow up and you can't help him. The more you try to call/text/email, the more you are pursuing him. He can't miss you if you are doing this stuff. Put that rubber band on your wrist and snap it hard each time you get the urge to contact him.
Seriously...he'll contact you when he's ready or he needs something from you. Leave him alone!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
But Job and Ha Who are right I remember my XH started coming in at like 2 or 3 in the AM I would wake up and start looking our the window wondering when he would get him
I know how hard it is It gets easier somehow in time Because the MLC takes so long , we definitely learn to let go and focus on us and the kids..Its easy to get resentful since we are the adults taking care of the kids and having responsibility while they go out to play-It is a choice b/c our kids needs us and their well being is depending on us
The pain eases You will figure it out You will reach a peaceful place again just hang in there
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
