Still hanging on ... just

[Oluwa]

I have also taking up Yoga, which I did at home and then started attending classes. Also done alot on meditation although this has slacked off for the last few weeks.

I have been an avid runner for last 3 years, even got my wife into it. She now runs alit as well and it really helps her.

I just started a martial art now, Aikido, which I have attended 4 times. Its so far out of my comfort zone, but thats the point isnt it to try new things and GAL!!

Also did a skydive for my birthday, I dont even like fairground rides. And I went away on a silent 3 day meditation retreat.

So I am definitely doing the right things for me, when I am up I am very positive and looking forward to experiencing more of life.

But thoughts always come back to her and that I want to be happy with my wife more than anything.

[Oluwa]

Hi. Just wondered if anyone had any advice on my sitch so far? Sorry to bump my own post.

Lying in bed while she sleeps now. We should be out for a run tomorrow morning.

[Cadet]

I want to be happy with my wife more than anything.

You need to be happy with yourself first.

Once you are happy with yourself then it is easier to be happy with someone else.

So what can you do to make yourself happy that does not depend on your wife?

[Oluwa]

Thanks Cadet,

Yes I understand the need to happy within myself. As I mentioned above, I am doing alot of things to make me happy. Especially doing things out of my comfort zone. The Yoga classes and now trying out Aikido (Martial Arts) are all things I am doing to make myself happy.

I have been on this path for a long time, probably being alot different and doing new things for 6 months or so. As I discussed previously, when we dont talk about the relationship and just have a good time, things seem to be on the mend. Its only when I try to ask about the R that I seem to reset her back to 0.

I am in turmoil now, as my IC is advising moving out, whereas the DB/DR approach did seem to be working unless we try and discuss the relationship. Do I keep trying the DB/DR approach, sometimes I want to just give up and ask for separation as she as requested.

I am worried that we may continue for months/years in limbo until she eventually finds out of the marriage via a EA/PA.

[Oluwa]

In other words, I would prefer to separate now, in some way on my terms before she seals my fate with an affair. She is a very good woman and would not deliberately look for an affair, but clearly if she is hurting and confused it is a common way out of those emotions.

[Altair]

Hi Oluwa,
I would not move out. Don't move out! I know it seems exasperating to have no R talk, but I'd stick with that too. It could take a really long time for that, and I think that is okay. Limbo svcks, but yours doesn't seem too terrible. I'd keep up hard with your self improvements and leave her be, in the sense of no R talks. I've been told this, so I'll tell you: she'll do it when she's ready. If you try to force it, it just won't work.

[Cadet]

Well this is the divorce busting website.
So of course we are going to recommend that you try to save your marriage.
I would not move out either as that is the #1 mistake that can be made in a divorce.
Not sure why your IC is telling you that.
You can learn how to detach and get a life without moving out or starting to date.
However that is not to be discussed with your spouse.
Leave a little mystery, IMHO.

Sounds like you are trying to CONTROL her.
Is that true?

[MrBond]

'Its so far out of my comfort zone, but thats the point isnt it to try new things and GAL!!'

No it isn't. When are you picking up the book?

[Oluwa]

Hi Oluwa,
I would not move out. Don't move out! I know it seems exasperating to have no R talk, but I'd stick with that too. It could take a really long time for that, and I think that is okay. Limbo svcks, but yours doesn't seem too terrible. I'd keep up hard with your self improvements and leave her be, in the sense of no R talks. I've been told this, so I'll tell you: she'll do it when she's ready. If you try to force it, it just won't work.

Thanks. Yes our time together isn't actually that terrible compared to many people I have read here. We do interact and so some things together. She does seem ok with my company in general. She isn't going out on her own much at all at the moment. Its just it has been going on so long, and the amount of times she may move close to me, say to rest her head on my shoulder to watch TV or something do seem to be getting less.

So it is so very hard to think that my efforts are making a difference. This is why I keep deliberating different actions.

[Oluwa]

I would not move out either as that is the #1 mistake that can be made in a divorce.
Not sure why your IC is telling you that.
You can learn how to detach and get a life without moving out or starting to date.
However that is not to be discussed with your spouse.
Leave a little mystery, IMHO.

Sounds like you are trying to CONTROL her.
Is that true?

Thanks Cadet, this is probably a very good point you make here. I guess I am in some way still trying to control her, in that I want her to show me some affection or at least some small commitment that she wants to work to keep the marriage together. I sure its a common complaint that we feel that we have to do everything (in terms of changing ourselves, while expecting nothing from our spouse. Traditionally I would expect that both parties would want to work on the marriage for it to succeed. But I do understand the dynamics here and the approaches that Michelle recommends.

So in terms of control, I am not directly asking her to do something, but she can probably sense what I am hoping for all the time. And that probably does irritate her, as she is not ready herself.