I'd recycle the spice catalog. Not to be vindictive or mean, but just because that's what I do with catalogs, unless I need to place an order in the near future.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
I wouldn't do anything with the catalogue except put it in one of the boxes with her cookbooks on the porch. If you happen to get another one, then cut the label off the catalogue and write a letter advising them that you are not interested in receiving their catalogues in the future.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks everyone. Pretty much the suggestions I expected. AndrewP of two weeks ago would have found a way to get the catalogue to W. I've put it on a shelf for now. D24 likes this product line and I may ask her if she wants anything.
This is one of the "home party" things that W was always a big fan of but generally unsuccessful at. Friends who promised to show up would usually bail. It was hand delivered to our door by the rep who is also a friend of W and who presumably is one of many who is in the dark about our status. There are dozens of jars of this stuff around the house still that I am reluctant to throw out but at a loss on how to use.
I'll "keep it safe" for her.
Funny tonight. I downloaded an app so that I could watch the digital copy I made of The Wizard of Oz on the TV, singing along (of course). One of our favourite movies. So many great lines about Home and knowing what is important. My W is coming home bump itched but is undoubtedly wrong.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
My plan at this point is that if she contacts me again about anything that she left behind I'll respond reminding her that she still has her keys and is welcome to come pick whatever up whenever she likes including if she asks again about the recipe books.
I think the better alternative is to make a set plan for her to pick up whatever she needs. Telling her what she already knows - she has a key and is welcome home at anytime - is the same thing you told her last time she asked about something in your home. You could ask her what her preference is as to how/when she would like to get her stuff. Or you could provide some dates/times that work for you and let her choose from there.
Why would we assume she is spending a lot of time alone in her apartment?
ah, Job, taking the high road and dissuading A.P. from doing any cathartic burning-- not that I thought he ever would, though. the point was he shouldn't rush to give it to her-- which is happening, and is a good thing.
Would a 180 be to deal with her stuff? I wonder.
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
I couldn't sleep tonight so I thought I'd check the boards. The 1/2 dozen chocolate chip cookies, while they paired nicely with the red wine as desert perhaps were a regrettable choice.
Originally Posted By: dream
I think the better alternative is to make a set plan for her to pick up whatever she needs. Telling her what she already knows - she has a key and is welcome home at anytime - is the same thing you told her last time she asked about something in your home. You could ask her what her preference is as to how/when she would like to get her stuff. Or you could provide some dates/times that work for you and let her choose from there.
The plan right now is to actively do nothing. I'll defer to a MLC vet like job on this but from what advice I've received previously is to leave her alone, not require any decisions from her (messed up on that recently) and let her "bake". With that said, I have been expecting an imminent divorce since the start of March and have had a lot of time to think / plan. The plan right now is if it comes that I actually want her stuff out of the house is to pack up her stuff quietly, put it into a storage locker paid for 2 months and deliver her the key. I think one of the vets mentioned this on my thread months ago. Otherwise, it is currently packed out of the way and not an inconvenience to me.
Originally Posted By: dream
Why would we assume she is spending a lot of time alone in her apartment?
I can't know this for sure because I have a very narrow window into her life. I do know that she has her Pomeranian with her and she takes her responsibility for him very seriously now. When we were together she would go off "wherever" and trust that I would look after him. He's incontinent, barky and has separation anxiety. When I used to watch her online activity more closely it would appear that she was usually home in the evenings relatively early as well as through the day on her day off. She has a relatively small data plan on her phone and I believe that OM doesn't have internet. He certainly has no social media profile and only a generic email address that is used for his business. A lot of assumptions here though based on mainly her Facebook patterns before she moved out and after as well as what I see of interactions with her (apparently) dwindling group of friends. While I freely admit that my mind-reading skills are pretty crappy and were extremely unreliable during the summer I have known her for more than 1/2 my life and believe that I can see patterns in her visible actions, tone of her posts that indicate that she doesn't get out much. I also could be extremely wrong. No way to tell and my hope that she's actually thinking things through is probably biasing me. Either way it makes no real difference to how I live my life right now other than giving me a tiny crumb of motivation to keep standing for her / us.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
ah, Job, taking the high road and dissuading A.P. from doing any cathartic burning-- not that I thought he ever would, though. the point was he shouldn't rush to give it to her-- which is happening, and is a good thing.
Would a 180 be to deal with her stuff? I wonder.
And that's where it's a struggle with a "vanisher" MLCer. Right now I'm doing the "lighthouse" thing which I believe I'm pretty good at. It's who I've always been, quiet, reliable, trustworthy. I used to joke that W married me because I was dependable but after a few years she just found me boring
A 180 is used to change a behaviour that doesn't "work" for one that does. W has for the first time in essentially 6 months possibly popped her head out of her squirrel tunnel. It may well be a false alarm and nothing at all to do with her waking up - which I expect to probably be the case. I hope I can be forgiven for getting excited at my first sighting of the rare W-Beast. Perhaps being a lighthouse "has" been working. If I start pushing her to finish moving out and take her crap with her I worry that will shove her right back into her tunnel, possibly for good. I have also thought though that being quiet has allowed her to carry on however she likes in her little "love nest" - but as you can see from my response to dream - I have doubts about how lovey that nest actually is at present. I can't know that for sure with my vanisher.
On the other hand, a lot of what I've read indicates that even in the case of a MLCer that many only return when the LBS apparently gives up on them. The reality is as I'm sure you have noticed in recent posts, I have been very close to throwing in the towel for more than a month now. Pushing her to finish moving out certainly would be a sign of me giving up. She's very likely noticed that I've gotten a new will. I've been debating having another consultation with my D lawyer (she sees our books so would know) to plan out options which would also be a "giving up" sign which is one of the reasons I'm reluctant to do that. I've also debated starting to cut her off from things and have been working up a mental list. Things like NetFlix (which I pay for), her email goes through a private domain (no her name isn't Hillary) so that would be cut off, her credit card (which she doesn't use), our joint bank account etc. Some of this is tricky legally and the general advice I've received both as someone who is standing for her and from my L is to not be an @ss which cutting her off could be perceived to be.
One thing that I told W at the beginning of this journey and that I still believe is that I want her to be happy. My preference is that she is happy with me but I have told her that if she is happy away from me that I would not stand in her way.
If I had good confidence that it would break the apparent deadlock that W is in on deciding what to do and that the end result would be her happiness then I would certainly bang away on the tunnel and oblige her to make a choice like the adult she supposedly is. I don't have that confidence but am very much open to think about it more. This active inaction is driving me batty as I'm sure everyone reading can tell. At least in the last few weeks I've gotten stronger and don't dwell on things nearly as much as I did before. Most of the days now I'm living my life with only occasional thoughts of W and rarely of an obsessive nature.
Right now I feel that I can get through this to at least the spring. Suffering as I do from seasonal depression the winter will be tough alone and I will probably need to actively ramp up the GAL with outdoor activities to fight that. We usually go away to the Caribbean mid-winter for a week or so which helps a lot and the money is already saved for that. I'm waffling about it.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hey Andrew, your red wine and chocolate chip cookie combo sounds like the perfect pud to me!
IMHO I think the whole 'LBS may take notice once we seemingly give up' scenario may not be as effective with someone in MLC. I might be wrong but as I understand it, MLC is a long process for the WS and when they return before they have gone through the process it often spells disaster.
I think you are also doing what most of us are guilty of at one stage or another and that is looking behind you to see if your S has noticed that you have done something significant in the hope that this will 'shock' them out if it and return.
Andrew, you need to keep moving forward for you and not to see if she is watching. Once you start taking your own journey and when your W is ready she may well see that your are leaving her behind and will try and catch up with you. Remember, she lives in a fiat above a shop and you live in the marital home all cosy and full of love and happy memories. I read somewhere (might have been here) that the WS is more likely to want to return to something familiar so continue to make your home the lighthouse and you the lighthouse keeper.
Now, what I'm interested in is were those cookies home made or shop bought? I am not a great baker but I remember watching a friend of mine make cookies and thought I had died and gone to heaven when she stared pressing large chunks of milk chocolate into the cookie dough before putting them in the oven. I'm salivating as I write this... :0)
Happy weekend!!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
