Phase 2 contd (2)

[Pax_luv]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701782&page=11

Old thread

[Pax_luv]

I had presented a question in my old thread and I'm going to repost it here for any insight/ feedback.

So, stbxh's mind is a little wonky. I know there's no reasoning or rationalizing, but....
How do I deal with the fact that h is mad at me over the fact that I'm defending myself with this divorce? He thinks that this is a mutual decision and I should just do as he says. as mentioned, I'm not taking the offense here, but using my lawyer for defense only (hate to say it, but I'm protecting myself from him). Again... This is getting turned around on me. For those who have gone through this.... How did you deal? Blehhh.

[ciluzen]

I really struggled with that. I told myself what everyone else told me; its a business deal. My personal goal was to protect myself but not aggressively push the D. I really had to rein in my L a few times, though. We did go to mediation (I recommend it), but researched what was usual in my state for length of marriage, age, my circumstances. You should be fair; this is not a take them for every penny because they hurt you type of situation. Just make sure you are protected. Have a bottom line that is comfortable. Do the math. Be prepared. Have a way to prove that you need what you are asking for. Its business.

I had trouble sometimes with the emotions getting involved, but didn't show H (except when I got an email from my L early on that was asking about something from H's L that was crazy and shocked me while I was dropping something off for him). I found that some L's like to stir things up and push and prod without their clients fully being aware of what they are doing. Taking a piece of info and running with it. Fortunately, some of my H's L's "instigating moves" were based on info that was wrong that I know he wouldn't have gotten wrong (even in MLC) so I was able to figure out that she was doing it without his full knowledge. Be prepared. They like to "win". We were able to be cordial through our process. The mediator was good at handling the L's, too.

[ciluzen]

And as to handling the emotions? Get prepared well, make sure your L is on the same page, then leave it to the L. Don't worry about your H. If you are pleasant in person, and just trying to protect yourself, then let him react however he wants. You are not responsible for his reaction to you just protecting your self from something you never wanted. His decision, his problem.

[Sotto]

Hi Feyth, just to pick up on your question - how did your XH perceive you during the D process? In truth - I have no idea, because the last time we talked (Summer '15?) he hadn't yet filed.

Our sitch became a very distant one, where all communications were via email and text. What I did to to try and maintain pleasantness, was deal with him in a positive way. So, there were times when he emailed me pretty outrageous financial suggestions. In response I (writing through gritted teeth) calmly said - thanks for your suggestion. I've thought about it and here's what I think. Or, I would just let him know 'we' (meaning L) would respond when we've had chance to consider that.

There were a couple of times I became frustrated by not hearing from them. For those I used the occasional technique of - just letting you know I will be doing X, and let me know by Y if you have any queries and concerns. That's a useful one, but I wouldn't use it lightly.

I have to say - given all circumstances - there was little acrimony during our D process. XH may well feel I walked away with significant assets, which is true - but I do feel the formula we worked to was fair - and actually was suggested by XH. Due to where we live, I have been able to buy a house outright and have savings. He would need a mortgage to buy a even a small property in the capital, unless he has bought with OW (is she has assets.) In truth, I have no idea where he lives now.

We D'd before the house sold, so we still had some dealings post D and I tried to be helpful during those too - thanking him for what he had arranged and asking him to let me know if he wanted my help etc. Of course behind the scenes I was distressed, upset and angry sometimes, but I didn't show that to him. My replies were always brief and pleasant. I became mistress of the two or three line responses.

It is always worth applying the 24/48 hour rule if you can. A couple of times I responded to my L on the fly and then emailed her to change my mind once I had thought some more.

So, I guess overall ours was a pleasant and cooperative D. We D'd 'collaboratively' - XH filed and I agreed not to contest that. Normally collaborative D (in the UK) involves a series of meetings, but given distance we didn't do that and agreed things remotely. I have to say, I think my cause was helped by XH having a 'Mayfair' L who told him a contested D process could cost him around £60k. This had him running scared of spiralling legal fees and keen to settle. My legal fees ended up being around £3.5k. I also think he felt guilty about everything.

I would echo Cil's wise advice. His reactions are his to own and I wouldn't worry about them. Just protect your own interests and conduct yourself with grace and fairness. Hope this helps anyway xx

[Pax_luv]

Thank you Ciluzen and Sotto. I appreciate you sharing your experience. You ladies are tough cookies for enduring your situations with grace.

I fully intend to be as pleasant as possible during the next few d steps.... But I'm not sure he'll ever understand that I've "lawyered up" to protect myself from him. I never wanted it to come to this, but I would be a complete fool if I didn't engage a professional to look after my interests. Stbxh is clearly looking after his interests and continues to manipulate and is using coercion for me to comply with him.

Admittedly, I'm having a hard time with this. I just feel hopeless again (like I did 8 months ago). Actually I'm waffling between anger towards stbxh and helplessness. Divorce stinks. Overall, it's just been a depressing day. I made no gal plans and I've been in my pjs all day with that all too familiar anxiety hanging in my chest.

I'm still very filtered when it comes to me sharing my situation with others. Nobody knows the whole picture, but some feedback I've gotten lately is that others thought that stbxh was verbally abusive to me... And yes.... The word narcissism has been thrown around a lot. Arent all mlcers narcissists? Even temporarily? I don't think it's fair or accurate for me to diagnose him, but I thought I would research this subject further as I dont know anything about it. I started reading a book on the subject and I'm blown away by the description the cycles. the similarities were spot on, much like they were when I started reading on MLC. Now, I'm not going to start labeling my h as narcissist, but learning about the subject (and how I personally might be drawn to a narcissist) has been eye opening. honestly, I think reading on this subject has aided a bit in this brief depression I'm feeling. It's very sad.

Anyway, I'm 1/3 done with the book... We'll see how the rest shapes up.

Ok, that's all for now. Sending everyone my best.

[Sotto]

I think it's common for WAS's to want to do things amicably without L's involved. But a couple of suggestions XH made in the early stages were massively in his favour.

He was rather surprised when I had a L, but went out and got one himself. Actually, I found once he had a L, his suggestions became much more sensible.

Also, I don't think working with and through L's means adversarial. Our D was conducted with politeness and respect, including the L's...

Hopefully the day in your PJs has recharged you a little....sounds like some interesting reading anyway!

Xx

[Coly23]

Hey Feyth, just checking in and sending you some PMA.

With my XH I wanted to go through mediation to sort out finances and childcare however he refused this and filed for D completely out of the blue suggesting that we should do this with lawyers through the courts. He tried very hard to take me to the 'cleaners' by saying I was much better off financially than I declared (ridiculous seeing as I worked two days a week in administration role and the other three was spent raising our D and he earned way more than I did!) In the end through his insistence at being right all the time, we went to court and the judge literally laughed at some of the stuff him and his lawyer came up with. Needless to say I walked away much better off than he would have liked. The judge actually said that they should stop waisting his time as this must be very stressful on me and he didn't want to make it any worse! So in the end my XH did me a favour in suggesting lawyers to his own detriment though! I am so glad I did in the end.

Stick to your guns Feyth. All you are doing is protecting yourself and he should be grown up enough to realise.

I think I need a PJ day! Happy Sunday!

[kml]

Feyth-
You're correct in that behaviors of the WAS during their crisis do not necessarily warrant a diagnosis; if they weren't like this before their crisis and aren't like this after, any psychiatric diagnosis made based on their behavior during crisis is probably incorrect.

On the other hand, sometimes once you get a little space from your spouse and the rose colored glasses come off, you may see things that were always there or that you ignored. I didn't recognize my ex's own narcissism until after we split. A friend helped me recognize that it was always present.

[Pax_luv]

KML- it's really good to hear from you. Thanks for stopping by. I sometimes think that when we start labeling or diagnosing, we end up using that as an excuse, thus skirting our accountability (not always, but sometimes).

in hindsight, our relationship was built on a lot of controls and contingencies. Here's the sad part..... I knew h was controlling but it didn't bother me. In the beginning I was a-ok with letting him take the reigns (I think our age difference had something to do with it) and with that... I always ended up doing as he wished on his terms. Even youngish teenagers had mentioned "Mr. Feyth does not treat Mrs. Feyth well.

Over time all those little digs and insults, threats and ultimatums just got to me. I became paralyzed out of fear of doing something wrong in his eyes. That paralysis came after the big ultimatum which I've shared here many times- "if we're not pregnant in 2 months, there's no point in being married." Ugh- that sentence has forever been branded onto my heart. At that point, I already didn't feel emotionally and psychologically safe around h, and that just push me over the edge.

Anyway, I will continue to review the dynamic and learn from the experience, but I will say, it has gotten me really depressed. Ugh- just want out of this funk!!!