Her MLC: The Battle I Didn't Choose

[Brubeck]

ericsmant2 - You are right about this. In so many ways, I am letting my PRIDE get in the way of things. I am not changing, or I am not changing enough. I receive so much conflicting advice, and I don't trust my gut or my heart right now. I don't know where to go.

Covering my butt is a big deal with the money, she just overlooks her spending and how much money is gone and just shrugs it off. It's no big deal.

I'm not using MIL to convince my W that a D is bad, but I was probably reaching out to MIL for feedback, to see if anyone in her family thinks something is off with W. I reached out to yet another person for validation that I'm in an abnormal sitch that I feel powerless over. I still feel like this really is all my fault, because she is my W and I am hard-wired to take her at face value. I still refuse to accept to see the craziness and the frightening possibility that she will end everything acting on the craziness.

It is hard to let go of pride, when half of me wants her to leave anyway. Some days I still have moments of disbelief over her A. I'm just trying to outlast her MLC. I don't know what's going to happen for either of us when she comes out of the tunnel, I just want to make it there if I can.

Part of me thinks DBing is just going dark and nothing else. I guess I'm not trying hard enough to figure out what it is I need to change. I've listed a few things for myself, it's hard to practice. I know I need to give up the need to be right. Drinking the STFU smoothie is getting a little easier, but I couldn't let it go with her leaving the kids alone.

[ericmsant2]

Bru

I know not to believe anything, but when she presents herself one way to me and another way to her friends, I get confused.

Anything after a but is usually the excuse we give ourselves.

If you were more focused on YOU – you would be less focused on her behaviors and not get confused.

W received her first paycheck last week and continued to draw from our joint checking account for various things. She paid her mother $375 for the first 3 weeks of babysitting from our joint checking without saying a word to me or asking me beforehand to agree to anything (when discussing going back to work, she itemized that part of her check would go to child care).

How are martial bills normally paid? Maybe you need to come up with a budget and sit down with her and come to an agreement on who pays what and when.

She bragged to OM that night that she wasn't going to bother doing so. I texted her once again the following day, also ignored.

She bragged to OM…..Hmmm…still snooping are we?

when she makes a 1/3 of what I make

Maybe the solution is to split the bills and allocate 1/3 of the bills to her.

She was asking me where is the proof that I love her.

This is an interesting quote. One that I think you need to be careful with.

I told her the best I can do these days is to continue paying all the bills and giving her all the space she needs since she is so angry with me and doesn't want to speak to me at all.

NOTICE that YOU agreed to pay all of the bills – yet you are also trying to limit HER cash – in part I suspect because you do not want to fund her affair, which I agree with. First stop agreeing the things that you think she wants to hear. Maybe a better answer is that you are respecting her need for space and also working on really looking at some of her complaints and trying to address those.

If I were you…I would spend some time rehearsing answers that you will want to give her. This way you are not shooting from the hip.

I told that I cleared out the savings account and that I stopped putting money into the joint checking account, that I set up my own private checking account. I could hear her breaking into tears saying "how could you do that? That's my money, too!"

Bringing things like this up….only prove to show her that you are more interested in saving your arse.

I calmly explained that I have to protect the family's financial situation. I have to make sure all the bills are paid and everyone has health insurance. I cannot do that when she continues her reckless spending on clothes, restaurants, taxis, video games and "nights out".

Once again…why not sit down with her and include her in the process. I get that she probably may not “get it” – however, doing things the way you described is not getting you the results YOU want. DB101 – if something is not working try something different.

I try to avoid finger pointing, but she won't let sh!t drop.

There is the BUT again….


Ericmsant…I would BUT….I could BUT….I try BUT…..

Bru – YOU can control how you respond. Keep working on it.

Today's holiday allowed me some snooping and my W says she is getting ready to file for a S.

Here we go again….snooping….. Dude, your snooping is impacting YOUR ability to work on your changes. You snoop – then respond…you snoop, then get emotional and respond again. Stop it!

In the same breath, she's talked of quitting her job that she's only held for a month.

How long has she worked in general? Were you the primary bread winner for the duration of the marriage?

she's telling people I am trying to control her through money. I don't get it.

YOU claim you don’t. I thought see it very differently. IMO, you are. You are using finances to control IF she files. As I mentioned earlier….you cannot serve 2 different masters.

I don't know if I really need to put a good foot forward. She still sounds confused, but she seems intent on trying to figure out how to file.

I want you to chew on this question for a bit and I mean really chew on it. Take your time…. Believe it or not….you really already know the answer.

Do you really want to stay married to your W because of the love you have for her, the way she makes you feel, the deep connection you have with her OR are you really just afraid of the impact to YOUR life and that of the kids?

I receive so much conflicting advice, and I don't trust my gut or my heart right now. I don't know where to go.

I actually think you know what your gut it telling you. The question really is….do you like the answer. As for where to go – it really is simple – FOCUS the F*ck on YOU finally. Focus on really making changes that YOU want for YOURSELF.

Covering my butt is a big deal with the money

I get it dude – I really do. You will need to choose…..money or trying to save this and giving it everything you have.

I reached out to yet another person for validation that I'm in an abnormal sitch that I feel powerless over.

As people we really FEEL like we want control. I believe that we actually convince ourselves that we somehow have this control. We don’t. Getting to a place where we accept that we really only control ourselves is KEY. You are powerless because that is what you keep telling yourself….when the reality is quite different.

I still feel like this really is all my fault

A normal feeling if ya ask me. Add to it that the person that you loved has painted you as Lucifer reincarnated. Here is the thing…… Learn to be honest with yourself. Learn to look deep inside yourself. Stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. Once you master this….IMO…..a lot changes…a lot. The changes you want to make for YOURSELF become important – not because of what others say…nope…because you want to change.

It is hard to let go of pride

Hard does not equal impossible.

when half of me wants her to leave anyway

And believe it or not….you do have the power to make that choice. Question is…is that what you really want or is that the hurt that is speaking…or fear.

Part of me thinks DBing is just going dark and nothing else.

Read the book again – there is a lot more to it than just dark, GAL and detach. Given how emotionally you are connected though it is hard to realize that. Detach and things may make more sense.

I'm not trying hard enough to figure out what it is I need to change.

Simple – just do better.


Here is what I see……


You want things to go back to normal. You want her to all of sudden snap out of this. You focus on her and what she is doing. All of this put you in the position to not really FOCUS on you.


So Bru…..what is it that you really want to change about YOURSELF for YOURSELF…..cause trust me….the best chance you have to save this is to really become someone that a women would be a fool to leave

And that…..YOU CAN CONTROL.

Balls in your court.

[ericmsant2]

Just checking in Bru....

I know I tossed a lot of chit your way. Wanted to see how you were doing.

[Brubeck]

Eric - thank you very much for making the effort. I do appreciate you taking the time. There is a lot to chew on, and I don't have answers for all of it.

I moved the money because EVERYBODY started saying this months ago. I hesitated because I didn't want to make her angry & create more arguments. I waited and watched her drain our bank accounts on whatever she wanted. I said we couldn't afford this. I asked her repeatedly to join me in managing our monthly budget. She always said "I'll look into it" and ignored me.

I didn't move the money until 2 weeks ago when she continued to draw from the joint account for her own personal needs after her first paycheck came in. It's mentioned in every other freaking post I've read here on DB - protect your finances! You suggested I did it to control her. I didn't. I did it to protect my family's financial situation. That's exactly what I told her. I can't keep withdrawing from our savings account to cover health insurance every month because she's splurging for $100 dinners and $50 taxi rides.

The bulk of my income is spent paying bills. The bulk of her (new) income is spending money. With deductions for taxes, child care, her cell phone, bus card, etc. she is left with upwards of $700 per month to blow on whatever she wants. Most of her paycheck is hers to waste.

She's already trying to raise $2500 to retain a lawyer for a separation. Her mother refuses to help or participate. She could gather $2500 in 4 months from her paychecks. Instead, she just applied for a credit card in hopes of covering lawyer costs that way.

I keep the house together and focus on the kids. I don't know what else to do. "Hang on" and "Keep busy" are all I can think of. I said I don't know if I'm supposed to put a good foot forward. You said I already know the answer. I don't yet.

I've spent all of 2016 watching her in the tunnel, I don't expect her to just snap out of it. I just don't want everything to work out the way she thinks it's supposed to. I don't want her warped MLC logic to be validated by success.

Thanks again.

[2Lady]

I've been looking at the title of this thread for several days now and it's been bothering me. I keep thinking, if she had cancer, or you had a child that was born with a disability, would you also be saying it was "a battle I didn't choose"? If she had cancer, would it have been a battle she chose either, or the disabled child chose? We don't choose the battles we must face in life, but I think for all the years you have been together you at least owe it to her to try and see this as a battle that isn't of either of your choosing but one that is worth fighting.

[ericmsant2]

Bru
I get the whole protect assets thing. Before you continue to move money around, you may want to check up on what the laws are in your state. In CT, where I live, once a “motion” is filed, everything must remain where it is. Any purchases (exculding the norms, bills, food, etc.) will be scruitinized. So just be careful. I do suggest that you prepare a budget, which leaves BOTH of you with equal disposable income.

I don't know what else to do. "Hang on" and "Keep busy" are all I can think of. I said I don't know if I'm supposed to put a good foot forward. You said I already know the answer. I don't yet.

1) Believe it or not…sometimes doing NOTHING is doing something.
2) Have you really spent time understanding your issues?
3) Have you really spent time trying to figure out WHO (at your core) you want to be?
4) Want something to do? Write down 10 goals for yourself that can be achieved in the next 3 – 6 months. Post them.

I've spent all of 2016 watching her in the tunnel

So your still a newbie…. MLC, should you try and outlast it….takes a LONG time.

For better or for worse – this is the worse part. Anyone can do the better.
In sickness and in health – this is the sickness part. You up for it?

I just don't want everything to work out the way she thinks it's supposed to. I don't want her warped MLC logic to be validated by success.

You know what I see up there ^^^^^^ a scared and angry man that is trying to control the sitch. If I can see it….so can she. How do you think you can change this?

[2Lady]

I just don't want everything to work out the way she thinks it's supposed to. I don't want her warped MLC logic to be validated by success.

You know what I see up there ^^^^^^ a scared and angry man that is trying to control the sitch. If I can see it….so can she. How do you think you can change this?

Brubeck, the language you use to describe your situation suggests you view your relationship with your wife as a war right now and your main goal is winning the war itself, not winning her. That makes her the enemy. You will never get what YOU want if you continue with this attitude. Because as long as you treat her as your enemy, she has zero reason to do anything but do things the way she wants to, however illogical. No one does something for their enemy. Your logic is warped right now too if you think otherwise.

[Brubeck]

Eric - thanks for your continued input.

Of course I am scared and angry! I am TERRIFIED and ENRAGED. This sitch has brought out feelings in volumes I've never experienced before. I've also felt confused, vulnerable, betrayed and grateful like I never imagined. I can oscillate between anger and fear in the same minute. I am trying to get a grip. Most times I'm OK, sometimes I'm not. I come here to vent to find focus because I don't want to act on the extreme emotions. Part of my fear is fear of doing something stupid in reaction to her behavior or getting overwhelmed by the sitch itself.

2Lady - "The Battle I Didn't Choose" is actually a quote I stole from another thread here, a "Welcome Newbie" type of post. It just described the sitch the way I wanted it to. I would obviously not look at my sitch the same if my W or children were dealing with illness. I don't want to walk away from this. Many people have commended me for hanging in there as long as I have (including the D lawyer I saw 2 weeks ago). I want to outlast her MLC to whatever outcome there is on the other side.

I am not trying to treat my W as an enemy, as just saying good morning to her angers her some days. I am avoiding her as much as I can (I will talk whenever she wants to talk). She is treating me like the enemy. I am not trying to match her behavior point-for-point, I am just letting her lead. I am certainly grinding my teeth a bit that I am having my identity changed against my will. My anger towards this probably comes out in these posts.

I've only challenged her about her ignoring our budget and about swearing in front of the children. She ignored me on both issues. I went to the mat with her about leaving them in the house alone when she decides to go somewhere at a moment's notice (my oldest is only 8).

She comes and goes as she wants, which is a lot. She continues to re-decorate the house and throws most of my stuff into the attic. She spends entire evenings hiding in the backyard/attic/basement talking on the phone. I don't interrupt her or stand in her way.

You're right - I don't know if I'm trying to win her back or win the sitch itself. My W is now a person that despises me. She treats me in such a way that all I can do is try to be polite. I'm all for PMA - but it's hard to sing when you're being spit at. She's always looking for an angle to start an argument. Some days I am not trying to win her back because I don't know what to do.

Last night she told OM she's going to start paperwork this week on filing for a separation. He tried to talk her out of it and that pissed her off. W and I live under the same roof and I pay 90% of the bills. Whatever a separation is going to do for her is a mystery.

Thanks for the attention and for listening.

[Brubeck]

Came home from work yesterday. W met me in kitchen and calmly said "I have paperwork for you". Petition for D. Also a temporary restraining order forbidding me from moving / selling / hiding any marital assets or our money. W found listening device I put in MBR, restraining order says I also can't record conversations. I moved the money 2 weeks ago after she got a job and kept spending on herself from our joint account. I did not blow any money - I moved it to stop her from more overspending. Tracked every penny, I have all bank statements from past 2 years.

Petition is asking for child support, alimony, and for me to pay her court costs.

Called my brother. Spilled the news about everything that's happened since January. Obviously shocked, on phone for 3 hours. Told me to lay my cards on the table with her. Waited for kids to go to sleep. I calmly told her that I don't want this and I don't think this is the answer. I love her and want to work this out and it's going to be a lot of hard work and I am willing to do it. I have stayed away from her this year to give her the space she wants.

I said we cannot try to repair this sand castle that's falling apart. We have to build a new sand castle, and all I'm asking her to do right now is pick up the shovel...just talk. I said a 2 foot sand castle with her is better than a 8 foot sand castle with any other woman in the world. Maybe DBing says I should have shrugged at the D papers and just turned away, but I've been turning away all year. I didn't beg, plead, cry or even ask. I just stated what I wanted for us.

Her first response was "I don't know". Given that she gave me D papers 4 hours earlier, I consider it a good sign.

W starts MLC monologue. She's pretty calm, but a lot of stuff I've heard before. She felt like a prisoner as a stay-at-home mom. "I wanna be free". She needs new friends who are just acquaintances. More accusations that I treat her like a teenage daughter and try to control her. STFU Smoothie for most of it.

Another BD - she quit her job. Only been at it one month. She gave 2 weeks notice. I asked why and she said her mother doesn't want to babysit the kids anymore. We're paying her $125 a week. She has to quit her job to return to being at home with the kids.

Gotta stop analyzing her, but I'm confused again. She hands me D papers and then says I quit my job. One activity seems to contradict the other. Don't know if lawyer told her to quit to secure alimony and/or qualify for welfare. No clue.

She thinks I just don't care because in August during a D conversation over the phone with me at work my reply to a D was "that's not in my best interest." She says it feels like I'm saying "it's cheaper to keep her". That's when I start talking and object. I feel like she's putting words in my mouth. I say there's a big difference between those two sentences and she shouldn't conflate one with the other. She says the first statement makes her feel like the second statement. I say I can't be held responsible for her feelings for things I didn't say. She gets angry, doesn't raise her voice, but gets up & leaves.

This morning - I repeat back to her her feelings about feeling like being a stay-at-home mom is a prison. I ask her not to quit her job. She's doing great and I know she loves being out of the house. I say we'll figure out a plan to help her mother stay on board with babysitting. This job is her ticket to independence and I want to see her happy. She quickly says "well I already gave notice and they're already interviewing new people". Her tone of voice feels like a lie. She leaves for work.

Just picking up vibes from her last night and this morning. She feels sad, lost, she doesn't know what to do.

I'm going to talk to her tonight. I'm going to ask as calmly as I can what she expects the outcome of this situation is going to be. What does she expect of custody of the kids? How much income does she expect to have at hand? Does she realize we will most likely lose the house? Where will she go with the kids? Her mother will find a new place with friends or relatives, but she's about to turn 70, how W feel about that?

Should she say "I don't know" to all this, I plan to press on as gently as I can. I need to know what her PLANS are because they affect the quality of our children's lives. If she moves to another area, our boys might be in a lesser school.

Called law firm, $350 consultation and $3K retainer for the court date. Good God, we're not rich. If we go through with all this, it will bankrupt our family. We will lose the house. W and the boys will be forced into a basement apartment, so will I, and so will her mother. We're just getting by, but for Heavens Sake, we already have it all.

I've been looping "Make Me Wanna Holler" all morning. Today is our 13th wedding anniversary.

[Esame]

Brubeck I am really sorry your wife gave you the paperwork, it must be a terrifying time for you.

Brubeck if I discovered a recording device in my bedroom I would never be able to trust my H ever again. And I'm sure if he discovered one in his bedroom it would push him further away.

I can tell you now, the answer to all those questions you want to ask your wife will be that she knows. She knows you will lose the house, she knows you will be poorer, she knows it is bad for the kids, and her mother and everything. But she cannot care about any of that now. My advice is to avoid those talks, and turn to the Last Resort or whatever it is called, and actually DB!

My H told me he is done, he wants nothing to do with me, he wants out. I'm trying to buy myself some time, hopefully to "ride it out" if possible. I know how you are feeling, it is a terrible situation. But you cannot talk sense into her.. All you will achieve is to push her further away.