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Shell66 Offline OP
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I was here 12 years ago w/ 1st H & that didnt end well we divorced. I didnt do what I was suppose to at all. I did everything the book said not to. He Did have an affair left our family & married OW. He didnt see our children on a regular basis & has very little to no contact with them. They are now 23 & 20 & due to his abandoning them they have been through a lot and continue to do so. When we were going through Divorce he told a friend he no longer want to be a H or dad! & he didnt as you all can tell. My daughters cringe when they see pix of him w/ step kids & step grand child. As my oldest has 2 kids & he has never seen the 2nd & she is 7 months old. So lets fast forward to now!! I have been in a relationship w/ bf for almost 8 years & this sit is different b/c we didnt marry we were living as a married couple. We were engaged but I didnt want to marry b/c of last marriage failed & atty fees are outrageous! He is a single dad of 1 (19 years old boy who is on autism scale very high functioning & smart but does have issues that hold him back to live a productive life & on his own). This child has caused many issues in our relationship. So my xbf is 45 & I cant exactly remember when he started working out at gym (it didnt bother me as b4 he met me he worked out). So I thought nothing of it. He was looking fine & then there is me how can this man love me?? I am over weight & not fit whatsoever. So I thought he xbf was acting like 1st xh in a lot of similar ways always on phone on fb & lord only knows what else. I questioned him & always had an answer. It was always in back of my mind he was doing more than he said. Well 6 weeks ago his son had a meltdown & went after me . Xbf took him to the floor so he couldnt hurt me so I called 911 b/c son was out of control completely. So after all was said & done they went to xbf mothers to stay. I didnt talk much to xbf & finally agreed to see him after 2 weeks. He came over we talked & he said he wanted to work things out & continue relationship w/ me but I told him due to sons behaviors towards me (for the last 8 years) that I didnt think it was a good idea for them to move back into house (house is mine). I wanted his son to get some counseling due to his issues which I think are from whenj is mother abandoned him when he was 10 she left him w/ xbf to raise didnt see him regularly until I came into pix. Xbf. Xw kept there 2nd child from xbf b/c she had no idea who the dad was so this child is messed up also. I have worked in the decelopmentally disabled field for 28 years so I would ask questions & see what could be done w/ oldest son. I gave xbf all the suggestions & he never did anything. So now I felt I was constantly on xbf son about doing chores & cleaning up after self so he could become more independent in everyday living skills. In order for this to happen i would have to go through xbf so he could tell son so he wouldnt flip out on me. So I am sure when I would tell xbf he thought I was nagging. But I wasnt I was just trying to teach him to do things for himself! So son would get up around 6am til he went to bed & played video games all day long & violent 1's. & xbf allowed him to. He also put numerous holes in walls over the years. Destroying house I have worked so hard to keep. So xbf moved all there stuff out moved to a different town blocked me from fb page got his own phone plan etc., I told him I felt like he just deleted me from his life . He would say no but he wouldnt answer phone if i called or answer texts. After he came to see me & Teying tonwork things out he was texting for a couple days then it got less he told me he was busy ummm you were never too busy before. Then 3 days after conversation he said he didnt know what he wanted & to leave him alone. So I backed off. Then I started looking into stuff on fb & see he was telling a lady in another state & telling her for the last 6 mos how beautiful, gorgeous etc she was & then he downloaded snap chat on phone. On his fb page I noticed how he was taking selfies & posting em & all! I feel like he is like a teenager. Last week when i confronted him he said lol to me. Then I had a melt down & he told me he dont wanna hear from me & he dont love me anymore! He is 45 I dont know if I said that. I know this post is long & all over the place & I am sorry about that. Any comments etc would be appreciated

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Welcome to the MLC Forum. I'm sorry you are here, but we've got a lot of wonderful people posting here who will be happy to come by and visit w/you, i.e., support you, give advice and/or opinions, as well as just to talk about life in general. So, I'm going to paste Cadet's Welcome Posting here for you to begin some brand new homework. Read as much as you can about MLC and depression and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask them.

Here's Cadet's Welcome Posting:
OK so that means MORE homework.

Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I'm sorry you are back again...but do you recall what your poster name was back then? Maybe some of your old threads are still around.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Shell66 Offline OP
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No I cannot remember its probably something w/ michele or shellbells

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welcome back

Seems like you have been through a a lot with this man and his son, so this may be a good time to take for you to reflect
since you are not M, as hard as it is to end a R-It won't be the same as the first time
Right now, just take care of you- after a little time, you may decide to let him go

hang in


married 14 years
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D final 3 /09
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Thanks peacetoday. I was wondering how long it would take before someone said what you said. I did put up with a lot from his son over the years but I did b/c I feel in love w/ his dad. Although I do see the situation from others perspective. My counselor told me to let him go! That the boy is just a ticking time bomb before he really hurts someone that he needs extensive help. I agree he does that is why I would tell xbf to get him into therapy he did go to counseling but I dont know what was said in the sessions. I am not sure if even xbf does. Xbf isnt a huge talker he isnt personable to other people. All my family says good he is gone & my friends too! I do creep on his fb page & see that he is still sending girl in other state stuff on there & what not. I do think they probably snap chatted w/ photos but I cannot for the life of me seeing him talking on the phone b/c like I said he isnt personable like that. but behind a computer he could be b/c you are not facing person directly. Everyday I come home to my dogs & that is it 20 year D is away at college and 23 year old lives about 5 miles away. I am leading a very lonely life and this is just consuming me night & day and I keep thinking and thinking about it, especially how abruptly he left & all & not wanting anything to do w/ me. Of course I have asked several times if he was seeing anyone & of course I always get no but last friday when I discovered how long he had been posting on ow fb page I was floored she had blocked me & I am sure he told her to so I wouldnt see it. I had a melt down & I called him numerous times he wouldnt answer, I texted numerous times he didnt reply finally I emailed him & he told me to leave him alone & that he didnt love me anymore (I asked him repeatedly to tell me this) I went absolutely crazy. after that night it was the lowest I had ever been I have not contacted him. Today I had a feeling he was going to contact me & he did. He has a few things here still & wants to know when he get them. I have not replied to him as of yet & that email was early morning. he had previously told me he would be here earlier this week to get stuff & he never showed. I am trying to take care of me. seeing my friends more & all. I also went back to church b/c when I divorced 1st husband I stopped going b/c I was so mad at God for letting this happen to my family. I am the 1st out of 5 children to divorce & the youngest. XBF told his son wasnt the only problem & I was floored. I asked what other problems we had b/c I wasnt aware of any & I was told that he was upset when I went away w/ my sister for a week on a vacation (my sister is like a nun) then the other thing was he claimed I would get mad when he went to work out (I would roll my eyes). I also saw selfie of him on fb of him at gym when I confronted him he of course said he took pix for weight lifting sight well it ended up on a chatting sight so he said he was hacked Ummm he thinks I am dumb! snap chat he said he was hacked too well how on earth was his phone hacked? It goes by phone # Oh the other thing he told me was that I didnt know when to stop w/son that I would just go on & on but I didnt.

I know deep in my heart that I should let him go before son hurts me or kids or grandbabies but I am having a terrible time doing this. Son did mean things to my youngest daughter & some were very creepy & I am having a hard time dealing w/those b/c of the guilt I feel for staying. Oh my this is such a mess I feel like my life should be on dr.phil

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Sorry that you find yourself on here again. It doesn't seem like an MLC. It just seems like all of the pressures of the family broke you two apart. Now would be a good time to GAL for you.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Shell66 Offline OP
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Mr. Bond I dont see where you think it is not MLC. There are numerous signs where xbf started working out around May, the selfies that he kept posting on fb like a teenager would and seemed he would like gratification from others; the secretiveness of talking to ow (who is out of state) & he had her block me so I couldnt see what he was posting to her wall & every single picture she posted he would comment and tell her how gorgeous beautiful she was etc., & then downloading of the snapchat on his phone & never would leave that phone out of his sight. Then there was an instant where I believe he was setting up another fb page & it saw it w/ his email address & reported that he was hacked. A lot of lies when he was confronted saying he was hacked. He wasnt hacked he was doing it so I wouldnt know. The selfies of him at the gym & he said he posted to a weight lifting sight another lie it was to a sight to meet other people. So I dont think it was just the family dynamics yet there was a lot of pressure. He viewed me as the problem w/ his son. He did not want to cause conflict w/ his son & would never discipline him for doing what he did, even when son would put holes in walls & he would patch them w/ out telling me. I discovered 2 in son's bedroom which I didnt know about til they moved out. There is a lot of MLC going on here also besides family dynamics.

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I have gone totally dark on him for the last week no phone calls no texts no emails no nothing. Has he noticed? I doubt it. Does he care. Another I doubt it. I honestly think he just dont care anymore. It makes me sad b/c I love this man. I am trying to work on me but having a difficult time. I am wired to take care of everyone else around me. I have not been to where he moved since he left although its my home town. I cannot bring myself to go there & see family. I am so torn about all this. I cant eat, sleep etc. I have lost 23 lbs in the last 7 weeks. Life is not good for me at this moment and w/ all that is happening. I keep asking myself & God why is this all happening to me yet again. What is wrong w/ me?

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Shell

It is never too late for change..you can perhaps save yourself /and your family from more unneeded pain and teach your kids it is ok to let go of unhealthy R


IT does sound like a bad situation to cling to though and I understand how hard it is to let go-
whatever you decide-
DB rules :
Do not call or text or chase after
work on self care
make new friends, sleep, rest, exercise, pray meditate
read books on letting go
12 step programs such as CODA or alanon may help you a lot as well as open new friendships with woman and support

work on thought patterns reminding yourself: this is for the best and then reminding yourself over again- self talk
You will be ok


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Hi Shell, I'm sorry for your situation. It sounds as though things were strained and you had some difficult circumstances. I can see why Mr Bond questioned whether this was MLC - although as you say - there have been some signs. In truth, none of us really know exactly what is going on - but DB techniques hold water whichever way.

As Peacetoday has posted - it may well be worth you giving serious consideration as to whether you want to try and save this R. It doesn't sound as though the circumstances were easy for you. FWIW, I think our own codependent ways can keep us tied into situations that aren't healthy for us and it may be worth exploring this. I found Codependent no more a really worthwhile read and it is often recommended on the forum here.

Do keep posting and good luck with whatever you decide smile


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Shell66 Offline OP
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Thanks peace today for understanding on how hard it is to let go. I know the situation was very unhealthy especially for myself & kids. Thank God my girls do not have issues w\ me b\c of it. I look at all the damage to my home & think what were you thinking? I wanted a family & I wanted to love & be loved I didn't want to raise my girls on my own b\c there own dad walked out on them. I guess I didn't think much of myself or think I could do any better than this or deserve better! I know I am a good person & put up w\ a lot of nonsense. & shame on me for doing so!! B\c what I feared the most happened anyway & xbf sees me as the problem not his son maybe 1 day he will realize his son needs more help than he currently thinks but I fear by that time it will be too late & someone will be seriously hurt or even killed! Xbf doesn't likje conflict & that's why son is allowed to do as he pleases. Itbreally made me angry after last time he tried to go after me that the very next day w\out me knowing or anything that xbf mother drove son to my house & allowed him to go in & get his gaming system I shouldn't have been surprised that this was allowed b\c never any repercussions for his actions & when I said something to x he didn't say a word. It was just completely wrong to me it was like saying well even tho you went ballistic on shell its OK! This child has an evil look to him all the time & seems dark to me. I am glad he is no longer here but I love his dad & unfortunately I realize nothing will change b\c in the 8 years we together nothing was done. I feel so dumb loving a person like this I often wonder what is wrong w\ me?? I am praying constantly & trying to let go but it is very difficult. I have not texted called or emailed x for 6 days. I do not think it bothers him at all or that he cares.

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Just a suggestion. It would make it easier for us to be able to read your posts if you broke them up into paragraphs.

With the issue with his son with behavioral problems, I'm pretty sure that had a big part to play and not an MLC. The working out could just be because he's getting older and wants to take care of his health.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Shell66 Offline OP
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I guess I really have no need to post here anymore due to the fact Relationship is definitely over & at this point I don't have any desire to try anymore.

I sent him via email bills for damage that son had diud @ my home & he was really being an @ss about it & seems like he don't want to pay it! He really turned my stomach today b\c he acts as if I am trying to get more $$ I sent him the contactor's bill. I would never try to to screw anyone over. I am a very honest person & 1 would think he woulkd know this due to the fact we were together so long.

My brother also saw him & said hello to him & xbf totally ignored him as if he wasn't there. So it just goes to say what kind of character he has my brother had nothing to do w\ any of this.

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Shell,

I'm sorry that things aren't going well and maybe it's a good thing that he and his son aren't living there w/you and your family. From what you've posted, it sounds like he will never accept that his son has issues and is and/or can be destructive in the process.

I wouldn't hold my breath that you'll get any reimbursement out of him for the damage that his son has done in your home. The only way you might be able to get reimbursement is if you had called the police and had him arrested and a report written up on the incident.

Maybe it's a blessing in disguise that you've finally seen what he is like after all of this. I know you love him, but you and your family do not need this type of behavior going on in your home.

As for saying something to your brother, I'm not surprised about xbf not speaking to him. I would let him go and continue to move forward. God has other plans for you and your family that may not include this man and his son in your lives. Be thankful that none of you were hurt by his son.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I haven't posted in a hole just trying to pick up the pieces of my life.

Xbf did end up paying for walls to be fixed it was not easy to get him to do so. He lied & said he put check in mail almost 2 weeks ago I have get to receive it.

So I email him he offers to bring it to house (I told him no I have no desire to see you). I kind of found it interesting b\c he had to pick up 2nd son 45 min away from where xbf I living & It would be an 1\2 hour away from pick up spot then another 1\2 hour to go home.

So next day after mai! Came & still no check I email him again & tell him to take a check to my sisters & drop off (live in same town) or I will file court papers & we can do this the hard way I received rep!y back w\in 15 min that he dropped off check so yup contractor paid!!

So I email! Him back but didn't db very well I flipped out on him telling him that I knew he had ow (emotional affair or fantasy) block me & what a liar he is about check this ow etc. Of course no response back shocking right?

A few days later I get an emai asking about the rest of his stuff he still needs to replace bannaster on stairway, wallpaper & door handle on door.his son broke & ruined all these. So I tell him when I get rest of owed $$.

So I have been lurking around on this board & reading everything I can. I am convinced more than ever about mlc xbf fits it in numerous ways. I do not contact him. Yes I do snoop & need to stop b\c I am hurting myself only. He told ow who Ives 1000's of mike away the other day love ya! Her response WS thanks, hugs. Now this ow has issues I believe also she has like 5,000 friends on fb & mostly male she constantly posting selfies for attention & admirers she exploits her 3 daughters by posting them also I fear for these kids b\c she has no idea who she friends.

So enough about them more about where I am at! I am overwhelmed w\ all I need to get done in house painting etc. I am lonely it just me & my 2 dogs. My o!rest daughter moved back to apartment about a week after xbf left. My other daughter away at college. Ye I see girls & grandbabies all the time but still lonely.

I have been strong but today I broke down & released a lot of myself which I was reading about last night how we go through stages also yup I did about all my past mistakes beginning in teenage years upto now. It felt good to revisit & hopefully let them go.

Well that's where I am at today exhausted & 25 lbs lighter (yaaa me)!

Thanks all for reading my story until next time love & peace to all!

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