How do you explain your missing husband from social events to friends and neighbors? For me to GAL and go on with my social life without him will be a HUGE change. We were "THE PERFECT COUPLE" in many peoples eyes. Yes, I can say he is sick the first time, working the next time, but eventually my lies will catch up with me.
Kdvor I'm sorry you are having such a bad day. Unfortunately there is no other way through this, and if you chose to stick with DBing you will have some bad days, when it will all seem like it's falling apart and you are wasting your energy. However, what is the alternative? Walking away? Asking him to leave? Will that not result in the break up of your family? It is a roller coaster, and you will go through different emotions. I think you are still at the beginning, so don't be too harsh on yourself if you need to cry. At the end of the day you are mourning for the future you had planned and dreamt off. However cry in private, don't let him see you, and don't burden your kids with your emotions. I know it is hard, I still have days when I cannot stop crying, and I hate myself for it. But does that help?
As Rose, Job and Ginger suggested, stop all R talks immediately. There is no letter you can write, no message you can send, no speech you can prepare that will get through to him. All you achieve is open yourself to more pain. My H does not reply to "needy"messages either, so I have finally learnt my lesson. I aim to not initiate any R talks, and know by experience that if I do will just push him a little further away.
By the way, my H spends the weekends home with us (visiting the kids mainly) so I understand how hard it is. I do have the luxury of a "break" from his insanity on weekdays. But being under the same roof with a person that looks at you like you have wronged him in every way possible is hard..
Best of luck, keep posting and journaling, just remember, no R talks!!!
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
That's the 180. But you need to not make it about you.
Start very small. Only ask for him to do for the kids, not you. Do your kids do sports/activities? Does he attend? Maybe ask him to see a game or to take them to practice. Think of what he wasn't involved in. See what you can involve him in that has to do with the kids or around the house that doesn't look pursuing.
Honestly, his life post bomb drop doesn't sound any different than his life post BD. He's always had the freedom.
If he's interested in doing things w/the kids, then let him. If there are things that the kids need help then mention it to him. Don't tell him...mention it or suggest it. Give him the option of saying yes or no. Telling him to do stuff or pointing out what he's not doing sounds like a mother. You aren't his mother.
You are going to see all types of things that your h does. One minute he could be angry and the next act as if nothing is wrong. They are emotional during the crisis. They are operating on emotions and when the emotions are all over the place, so shall they.
If you want him to participate in activities, then treat him as a friend. I would not suggest he take a different car or sit some place else. Ignore him? Nope, I would continue as you always would...but treat him as a friend. Your expectations are very high for your h right now and you need to knock them down to a 2 or 1 because you are getting angry, frustrated and upset expecting him to respond to you as he would have pre-crisis.
If he initiates contact and/or reached out, then listen to what he has to say and follow his lead. Just stay away from relationship talks, lawyers, him getting help and/or getting out. Keep your conversations civil and on safe topics.
Did you read HaWho's threads? If you didn't...you really should because her threads have a wealth of information from when she first arrived her and still going on now. She's coming a long way and she asked many of the same questions that you have asked over the last year or so.
I want you to think about something...how would you behave around a friend? Would you pursue them? Would you give them ultimatums? What would your expectations be of a distant friend?
I want to know what you are doing for yourself these days. I know it's difficult not to focus on him, but what are you doing in the way of being there for your kids? They can sense stress/tension in the home.
Keep the focus on you and what you can control.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Job. My whole life is my kids. I spend every minute with them, driving them places, caring for them, playing etc. I feel that when I detach/ignore my husband, I am not myself with the kids. I am not my happy go lucky self. I tend to get frustrated and or distracted easily.
I have been reading Hawho's theads. Which have been very helpful. I just can't believe she is STILL going through this. . . .
If it was a friend, I wouldn't do anything of those things. A distant friend, the same. But a friend doesn't live in your house, right?
As I GAL, without my husband. How do I explain he is repeatedly missing from my life.
"So the 180 is ME asking him to engage and do stuff for the house and the family. How do I ensure this doesn't look like persuing?"
That's not what the 180 is. This is why you need to read DB. You are spinning in all directions asking us to answer specific questions which are basically all of our opinions and it makes you spin even more out of control. The 180 is when you change behaviors or actions that pushed your spouse away in the first place and change them. For example, if your spouse said you didn't clean the house, start cleaning. When it comes to 180s like attention, you don't go overboard. You've already seen what happens when you do that.
I can tell you that even if you were joking about him being "worthless" around the house, no man or woman wants to hear that. It makes you not a safe place and have them not even want to try contributing, therefore perpetuating your situation in an endless circle. Think back to when you were first married, and dating, I'm sure he did contribute. Are you the type that likes things done your way? Do you always have to have a plan of action when you do things? Have you been critical of him (even jokingly) when he tries to do something to help? If so, then stop that. That's the 180.
"Is he in Replay, Depression, Withdrawal? I am not sure. . ."
It's obvious he's depressed but you can't keep trying to control the situation. You're trying to anticipate what he's going to do and why he does it. If you don't stop, you're going to do something rash again.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Ok. Just to clarify. I did read Divorce Busting. But I really feel confused about the whole thing which is why I sending so many questions.
I am not a type A control freak. I am more Type B. I happily kept "the ship" running while he "played". Sometimes I would be frustrated and resentful, but for the most part I was happy for my life. I definitely didn't show him lots of mushy love and as he says didn't act sexy. But I was exhausted and probably a little resentful that he didn't appreciate all I did deep inside.
He doesn't EVER do anything to help. So I never criticize. Honest.
"But I really feel confused about the whole thing which is why I sending so many questions."
What are you confused about?
"I am not a type A control freak. I am more Type B. I happily kept "the ship" running while he "played"."
Is that how it was since day one? Really think about this. I notice in many of your posts, you respond really fast. Sometimes you just need to pause a moment, take a deep breath and really look at your sitch under a microscope. What would someone from the outside see?
"Sometimes I would be frustrated and resentful,"
What would you do to show this?
"I definitely didn't show him lots of mushy love and as he says didn't act sexy."
You say "mushy" love like that's a bad thing. Did you do that before you got M?
"But I was exhausted and probably a little resentful that he didn't appreciate all I did deep inside."
Okay, but can you see how that just perpetuates a never-ending cycle? Men equate love with physical while women equate it with emotional.
"He doesn't EVER do anything to help. So I never criticize. Honest."
Okay that's an absolute answer. There is no such thing as absolutes. There must be some small way that he helps. Even if it's picking up groceries or whatever. It's like when someone tells you that you NEVER do something. I'm sure that if he was like that when you first met you wouldn't have married him. Also, you say that you're resentful for him being that way. Really think about your actions during that period. Even a little joke or a look the wrong way or something said under your breath or a sigh is a criticism.
It seems like to you, helping is a BIG deal. If he's as useless as you keep saying he is, why would you stay with him? Why would he stay with you?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
