well....I had IC with a new C yesterday morning this one is recommended from my doc. To help me "through" this stage of my life not so much to look back at my life and figure out why I am the way I am. I like her. IC helped me and pointed out that going into an interaction with W i was thinking bad things would happen. Gave me some homework on thoughts and expectations and turning those thoughts into positive happier thoughts.
D spent the night. I picked her up from school and took her to this new cool pizza place. it's like chipotle for pizzas. you pick every single ingredient and then they bake it in like 5 minutes in some fancy looking oven. D gave me a gift W suggested they purchase on their vacation. I texted W thank you. no reply. Made cookies and watched a movie with D. went to bed around 9.30. Through out the conversations of the night D mentioned some things.
I took D to the store to get a toothbrush for my house. I like having extras so I told her to pick something with more than one. D picked a packet with like 4 because the colors were cool. D asked if she could have two, I said yes. D also asked why I needed more than some for her. I told D that you never know when someone might need an extra. D gave me a look and said "you don't need extras for anyone" I laughed and said "you never know who might be sleeping on your side" D did not look happy. D made a face and said no one better be sleeping or staying the night. That I'm different than her mom and I am still married so I have to wait until I'm Divorced. I was slightly taken aback. I wonder why she doesn't speak like that to W. It isn't the first time D makes a comment how I'm not allowed to date. D told me she's the only girl for me. Cute but...weird.
W took D's dvd player but couldn't make it work in the living room because W doesn't know how to plug old school chords in. (I took the ps3 so no more netflix or dvd player for them) D mentioned W got frustrated so she went to buy a new one. (D made a comment how I'm the one that always fixed stuff) Told D I'd plug her dvd player back tomorrow.
While opening a package at home D asked if those were my knives. I said yes. D explained she wanted to open a package at her house and the knives were gone. I asked If W had purchased new ones yet. D said no. -she NEEDS a dvd player but not knives...doesn't she cook?
D mentioned she leaves for 4 days to her birth fathers, I'm super surprised because BF doesn't like to take her outside of his court ordered dates. But D is getting older and has a half sibling so maybe he's coming around? Though earlier this summer he refused to keep her longer. Not sure. Whatever. I asked D what W was doing and why W was sending her. D said she didn't know.
D complained W's roommate's step kid came over and tore up D's room. Not sure why the kid was in my D's room. D also mentioned she did not have Mexican food in Mexico because they were at a resort, so she was disappointed.
This morning I took advice from here and my IC and acted as if, IC told me to not open the door to a fight or ask her questions. If i'd normally say "hey how are you" just greet her warmly but not to ask questions. W had sent this text too W-Make sure your trunk and or/backseat is empty tomorrow. I will be sending you with more of your stuff Which is why I was nervous, and W was already mad I wouldn't talk divorce so, I put on my best smile strolled in the house. To my surprise there was only ONE backpack with my stuff already packed and waiting for me by the door..It has stuff from my night stand by the bed. I did some mind reading..I think it was more for "show" that out of EVERYTHING she packed up my night stand. To let me know SOW is using it? To let me know W is DONE with me? To let me know NOT to expect to move back? I believe W thinks this is significant. Idk what I actually think. But I thought W would've had all my stuff packed. That was basically nothing... There was a hole in the dry wall by the door. (W's Roommate did not do a good job at dog sitting) Dog ate and tore up the dry wall. There was a mess. There was dry wall all over the floor and carpet and stairs. And a hole in the wall. It was a [censored] show. Not sure why it has not been cleaned up. (I would've cleaned it up first thing, again, W has NO job, no responsibilities, just lazy right now)
I also had a half chewed package with some things from my work, gloves and hat for D. I unpacked them and went to the trash. bottles of alcohol (tequila and rum) and a lot of beer bottles in the recycle bin.
I walked into the garage and my very nice & expensive dress coat was on the floor. I saw W had begun cleaning the garage. I was pissed my coat was on the floor right by the entrance. D followed me out and said "your coat is dirty" as it was in my hand. I asked why she left it on the floor and didn't bother to pick it up. D said she didn't put it on the floor and hadn't been to the garage. I didn't mention it bothered me to W because It's too big now anyway. No point in causing a fight over something I will never wear again. Must pick my fights wisely.
I came back inside and had a great opportunity to 180. D asked W why W was sending her away. (the question I asked D yesterday) W said in a very firm voice "for the record, I am not sending her away BF said he'd like to take her, so I agreed" Instead of defending myself I validated and said "you're right, I'm sorry I led you to believe that D, I should've used different wording. I apologize. I'm glad you get to visit him." W said "thank you" and D said it's ok. Any other day, as always I would've defended myself and we would've argued and W would tell me how I call her out in front of D and never take responsibility just make excuses. It felt nice to do that.
I hugged D said good bye reminded her I would not see her for a couple of weeks, as she was busy, as was I. Also shared and awkward side "brotherly" hug with W.
Also, W had said she would not send out any bill pays off my account. W totally sent one out yesterday for that joint bill I have with my sister. I texted her to say thank you. No reply. Not sure why W told me to handle my own bills and she keeps doing it. Super confused.
Glad this morning was not a sh!t show. Just confused about everything. Not really sure what to make of it. I know probably best to make nothing of it and let it be.
On a brighter note, I had a doc appointment and I actually talked to my Doc about normal things. See I'm very quiet, W would usually speak to the doc for me and I'd just sit there. (it's just how we are) Even the past couple of times I'd be so nervous and only answer her questions & not engage. Well, I noticed she got a hair cut and I started talking to her. It felt good. I wasn't even overly nervous or anxious. This is a BIG step for me. We had some small talk and I noticed I laughed and smiled. I'm pretty sure she's never seen me smile or laugh. It felt nice. I felt...NORMAL. whatever that means.
I don't know why but I feel good. as I've mentioned, I have noticed I usually feel good when I know I don't have to interact with W for a while, then I get all down when it's getting closer. I'll take it.
Need to focus on building a couple of solid friendships. I don't want just guy acquaintances, I want real girl friends, someone I can click with and hang out with and just be cheesyt. Will work on this.
Lto you are more than welcome to join the pizza party! Cheesyt pizza, as I'm a vegetarian! Cheesy, hang in there. W's behavior is so confusing right now.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
nothing new to report. I've been really busy. I had an extremely busy weekend I have a busy weekend coming up as well.
We have some busy days at work, we have a corporate sales meeting for next fall and we have people from the company all over the world. (and basically that means we have to dress business-like as opposed to our jeans and tee shirts, one minuscule thing to worry about this week) My coworker R is the event planner and she recruited me to help get the breakfast going every day this week. I've been up around 530am getting stuff going then still make it work and put in my 8+ hrs. Pretty sure I passed out at 830pm last night.
W texted me last night. W asked me to get more cat litter since they are out. I asked W if she could swing by to pick it up today or tomorrow since D's Spanish lessons are in my town. There's no need for me drive all the way to her if she's here. W never replied. So there's that.
I was pumping gas this morning and it was cold and cloudy. I could see my breath. I love the cold weather. With that though came the thoughts of Winter life with W and D. I can't imagine spending fall and winter without my W. It's strange. I'm sure I'll manage, as I managed spring and summer without W. But winter...being my favorite time of year might hurt more than summer. I won't have her to cuddle on cold nights, I won't have a fire to start in our home. I won't make my hot chocolate or oatmeal for them. I won’t have them to cook a thanksgiving meal. I won't go Christmas shopping with W for D. Or shopping for W. With the season comes a big loss for me. Certainly a different loss, I'm aware but I can already feel it. I know I won’t feel the loss forever.
I keep on wondering when will I stop feeling the loss? Perhaps once a whole year has passed of me on my own and the memories of my sole life are what I begin to remember?
Sounds like you are keeping busy Cheesyt, which is good!! When do you get to see your D again? I know going through firsts such as the upcoming holidays will stink....l am lucky that we didn't ever spend Christmas together due to her coaching and having no one to watch the dogs...hang in there I hope we both can stop feeling the loss soon....
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
my mind is racing. got off to a not so great start. I went to bed at a reasonable hour...but I feel extremely tired. when I'm tired I get crabby. and emotional. I had a weird dream. with W in it. This constantly throws me off. Just thinking of everything going on.
A thought that appeared in my mind is how difficult it was to manage all the house stuff and D and my full-time job. Because W was in school full time and the school was down in the city she often spent the night at MIL's. (this saved W 30 mins each way) some weeks she was gone 2 or 3 days in a row. Not looking for a thank you, as I did it because I love them. I guess I'm wondering when W will see and appreciate, is W really THAT BLIND to my hard work and dedication because I parented D in a different manner than W has envisioned? (I know that may NEVER happen) W is not working yet, she's merely "Studying" to pass her boards while taking care of D full time. ish. W is doing all the things I "didn't want to do" mainly because we lacked the funds. For example, I saw a souvenir cup from the theme park here I "never wanted to go to". Not that W has the funds to do those things now. Neither does OW (saw OW's debt / loan paperwork) It feels crappy that instead of rationalizing our life W rewrote it. I understand W had to make her own sacrifices and compromises. I hate how "I never wanted to do anything, I never wanted to go anywhere, I never wanted D around" blah. blah.
Got a late payment fee from a bill I totally forgot I had to pay. W did in fact canceled the few payments she had taken over for me. I went through and set them up all automatically as soon as my check comes through. That will keep me from getting fees or anything in the future.
Waiting on the day I get served with D papers.
I look back and damn.. I wasn't that bad. I was far from the perfect spouse. parent. partner. daughter in law. I know this. I have plenty of flaws. Plenty of ways I could've improved myself. Life with me wasn't that bad...I know it wasn't. It couldn't have been. So why is her's so great now? (according to her) Why did we marry if for 6 years she was miserable? I did my absolute best. I look back at the person I married...where'd she go? Where can I find her?
I bet her life isn't so great, cheesyt. In fact, I bet yours is going to be 10 times better than hers will be if she continues on this path. The person you fell for is lost in a thick fog. Don't forget that. If she has completely changed and is unrecognizable, then mourn it like a death. If she comes back, you'll have something to celebrate... if you want her back then.
Just keep busy. GAL is the name of the game!
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
W texted me about two of the bills she handled for me. Cell phone and a cc payment. The cell phone -my mom transfers money over for her part that goes to a joint acct that W then moves over. The cc - a balance my sister transferred over (cus I’m a nice sister) and she makes the monthly payments that again get transferred over to a joint acct that W then pays to the cc. W said I have to collect money from my mom. And that W would charge x amount for our cell bill. Since, now I have to handle all my bills. (again w often says things and does not hold up her end of the bargain, but this time she did. Not sure if it means anything though) I asked W for my cc info to log in…looked at the payment history that had been made. In mid April (I moved out early April) W made a decent payment to that cc…I don’t know why…she paid it down to only what my sister owes. Mid April…I was a sh!t show, depressed and W was VERY into her emotional affair…Why did W do that? Not only that but because W handled finances I have NO idea where that money for that payment came from. I know for a fact its not my sisters though. I didn’t ask W why or bring it up to her. I’m confused. But I guess I don’t need to know.
Conversation was short…bills and cat litter. I told W I’d drop some cat litter off at D’s soccer game tomorrow. My goal for tomorrow is to be kind to W and be happy. Or at least act happy. I will go into the interaction with a positive attitude so that we can have a positive outcome.
I noticed recently, past two or three days, when my phone vibrates I hope it’s my W. It never is.
