I have been lurking for a while and thought it was time to start my story, as things a potentially coming to a head.
Me: 46 W: 41 Kids : S12 D14 S17 Married 17 Years
I would say that things really started surfacing around 2 years ago from my wifes 40th Birthday. We have had arguments before, where she would normally threaten divorce or separation when she wanted to end the conversation. Most of our arguments have never been that bad, mainly about kids discipline or finances. Over the years, I can see now that I have given in more and more to try and keep her happy. I can see now that this has had the opposite effect, in that she has loss respect for me (albeit maybe subconsciously) and this is why she has fallen out of love for me. I have been quite a needy man, in that if we argue I will wan't to talk and settle it, where she has always preferred to distance until she is ok. The problem with this has been that once she is ok (sometimes a day or two), the issue we argued on was not addressed.
There obviously is so much to this story (like everyones), and I would be happy to share it, but for now will summarise where we are at.
Easter 2015 : I love you but I'm not in love with you October 2015 : I dont love you anymore New Years Day 2016 : "Im not attracted to you anymore", "Im sacrificing myself to stay in the marriage for the kids!" 2016 Jan-Jul : Lots of I dont love you what do you want me to do 2016 July : On our anniversary night. Im only in this marriage because of the kids. Then sorry I didnt mean that, I can see that you are making lots of changes. 3 weeks ago : Things havent changed for me, I thing we should look at a separation. You said that you would let me go when I was ready.
This was actually a big shock, as we had been out a few times, to parties, clubbing on our own, to running events and in general things seemed quite good. We have had no sexual intimacy since Easter 2016, although once or twice a week she might move over to my side of the bed to cuddle, she will rest her head on my shoulder to sleep etc. Always gives me lots of hope, despite the clear pattern she has given over the last few years.
So we are still living in the same house. When she comes home from work, she will normally engage me conversation in what has happened at work. She will ask my advice about studying at Uni and stuff like that. This is even after the conversation about separating from 3 weeks ago. Even last weekend, when she woke she moved over and slept on me for an hour or two.
I continue to try and support her, be engaged when she does talk to me etc. If I do try to go near the conversation of the R, she will always come back to not loving me anymore, no matter how well we seemingly have been getting on.
2 weeks ago I had a lower back problem and ended up in hospital. She was at work and called the ambulance for me. She also left work early and came to the hospital. I was on strong pain killers for the weekend and she looked after me. Come the sunday I tried to ask what we are doing about the separation and that I don't want it. She said that she wanted me to know that just because she came to the hospital doesn't mean that she loves me again. She said that no matter what happens to us, even if we are divorced and remarried, if I was sick she would still come and see me to make sure I was ok. She will always care for me as we have been through so much together. I said that I understand her, but how sure is she that she is making the right decision, I asked her to read a workbook on making the decision for divorce which she agreed to read.
Last weekend I asked her about it again, whether she had read it, and she said that she had started to. But then the next week I asked her again and she said, please stop nagging. She said that I keep pushing for an answer, when she is still trying to sort her own emotions out on what she wants to do!!! (This confused me again, as I thought she said that she wanted to separate 3 weeks before and she was pretty adamant on that).
M 46 W 41 MR 17 T 18 S12 D14 S17
03/15 : ILYBINILWY 10/15 : IDLYA 01/16 : "I'm sacrificing to stay in the marriage for the kids!" 10/16 : She discusses Seperation BUT...she's still here..for now
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely: Consider this your homework.
Last weekend I asked her about it again, whether she had read it, and she said that she had started to. But then the next week I asked her again and she said, please stop nagging. She said that I keep pushing for an answer, when she is still trying to sort her own emotions out on what she wants to do!!! (This confused me again, as I thought she said that she wanted to separate 3 weeks before and she was pretty adamant on that).
Oluwa,
I'm sorry you're here; you'll get a lot of support and advice on this forum.
When a spouse is ready to leave the marriage, it's often very confusing. The confusion is reflection of your wife's inner turmoil.
Thanks for the replies. I understand your comments about the confusion. I guess I keep need to telling myself to remember rule # xx from Sandi's Rules "32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared."
This is difficult because when we do seem to be having a good few weeks, I start to test the waters again. And if we do have a conversation she will always come back to saying she doesn't love me anymore.
Even a week before the last talk where she talked of separation again, we had done a competition run together early morning and then when we got home we made breakfast together for us and the kids. We settled down to watch TV as we were tired from the run. At some point when I sat down, she playfully pinched my butt. She hasn't done any physical play like that for more than a year.
Since, as the LBS I am constantly monitoring her every move, this brought alot of hope for me.
But as I say when we went out to lunch to talk about the relationship, she started with "nothings changed! We should look at separating". I was so shocked as I thought we were having some better times, not to mention that small incident described above.
I said that we seem to be having some good nights out, and the run together was fun etc. But when I asked her this, she said "Not Really! I did it because you wanted to". I find this so hard to believe, as she was clearly enjoying both the nights out and the run.
Its like if I ask "how are we doing?", she will always only say all the negative things.
Am I on the right track, apart from the testing the water, which I need to stop doing.
M 46 W 41 MR 17 T 18 S12 D14 S17
03/15 : ILYBINILWY 10/15 : IDLYA 01/16 : "I'm sacrificing to stay in the marriage for the kids!" 10/16 : She discusses Seperation BUT...she's still here..for now
Some more background. I have tried to get her to go to counselling, and she even went do a joint MC session twice back in June. It seemed like she was keen, but the hours to attend with this particular counsellor clashed with her work and she stopped going. I decided not too push her to go to counselling with me and have continued seeing the counsellor individually.
I go to IC about every 3 weeks at the moment. Up until the last visit after the separation talk, my counsellor was very positive about the relationship. He kept telling me that she still loves me, but doesn't respect me. This comes from my previous neediness as discussed originally.
But when I saw him afterwards and explained how well we had been getting on (supposedly) and then what she said about separating again. He said that I can't keep wasting my energy on this woman, I need to focus only on me. He suggested that I should agree to a separation in the house, in that I officially move to the spare bedroom and we sit down and explain to the kids that we are having a formal separation but in the same house.
I only raised the issue of what does she want to do about the separation and she didn't pursue any details. This was how I then suggested she read the workbook about divorce before making a decision.
I saw my IC yesterday and he is now saying that I should move out for 3 months. He said, that because I am still in the house and still supporting her as a friend, and helping about uni etc she can still sit still, and not progress the separation or divorce. She clearly isn't 100% sure that she wants out, but I get the feeling that if I suggested I would move out, she would agree straight away. I think she wants me to make the decision to split, even though it is her that wants it.
M 46 W 41 MR 17 T 18 S12 D14 S17
03/15 : ILYBINILWY 10/15 : IDLYA 01/16 : "I'm sacrificing to stay in the marriage for the kids!" 10/16 : She discusses Seperation BUT...she's still here..for now
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
This is where IC and the law can clash. I would not move out of the house, or even out of the MBR, unless I was advised to do so by a L. IT can be spun after the fact by her L in a very disadvantageous way for you re custody and support if you can be shown to have "abandoned" her and/or the kids.
She's the one who wants to blow things up -- let her do the moving.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Thanks. Yes read quite alot of michelles work, need to order DR book at bookshop so i can collect. I have been following alot of the techniques but sliding back, checking in with my wife, once in a while and probably undoing any good work.
What do people think about the sitch where W seems happy and engaging with me, until we try and have an R talk then she is convinced that nothing is better. Is this normal behaviour for a WAS?
M 46 W 41 MR 17 T 18 S12 D14 S17
03/15 : ILYBINILWY 10/15 : IDLYA 01/16 : "I'm sacrificing to stay in the marriage for the kids!" 10/16 : She discusses Seperation BUT...she's still here..for now
Thanks. Yes i understand the possible implications re: L etc. I asked my IC this and he said that if I get a letter that we both sign that agrees the purpose of the separation then she shouldn't be able to use it against me if things don't work out.
For the best part of year I alternate from sleeping in the MBR to sleeping in the Home Theatre. This is normally because she sleeps so early, like 9pm as she goes to work early. If i stay up I sleep in the other room. I dont mind this really as if she gets a proper sleep she is happier.
Some nights I do sleep in the MBR, like normally fridays and weekends I will do that. She doesnt complain, and some mornings she will come over and sleep on my shoulder. Like a pathetic dog I sometimes lay awake early morning, hoping she will move across. When she does I am so happy, but her cuddles are not really affectionate, I can sense that.
M 46 W 41 MR 17 T 18 S12 D14 S17
03/15 : ILYBINILWY 10/15 : IDLYA 01/16 : "I'm sacrificing to stay in the marriage for the kids!" 10/16 : She discusses Seperation BUT...she's still here..for now
Thought I would also write some positive aspects that I have done in last year or two.
I have spent an inordinate amount of time reading self help books, personal development and relationship books. This has helped alot, it works as a distraction and helps me to focus on myself.
Ive been reading alot from tony robbins lately.
M 46 W 41 MR 17 T 18 S12 D14 S17
03/15 : ILYBINILWY 10/15 : IDLYA 01/16 : "I'm sacrificing to stay in the marriage for the kids!" 10/16 : She discusses Seperation BUT...she's still here..for now
