My kids are 9, 7, 5 and 5. I have been dim, only speaking when spoken to, not asking him where he is when he is coming. For the past 3 weeks he has left the country, gone to a Notre Dame football game for the weekend and and all day Jets game drinking fest. I kindly and happily supported it all. He inserts himself into our life when he feels like it and checks out just the same. I run everyday and had been spending time up in my room on the computer etc. At first it seemed to be working, but yesterday, after spending 4 hours at the gym with no regard for our family schedule I felt I needed to talk and level set. That turned into the brutal conversation we had last night.
His biggest complaint is that everybody outside the home gives him lots of attention, thinks he is great, validates him etc. But he feels he got nothing inside the home. IMO, that is because he disconnected (I allowed it) from all responsibility years ago. So what he says was true. I ran the entire ship and if he showed up it was a bonus. Yes, sometimes I complained and we joked together that he was "worthless" around the house - but I thought it was just the way we were.
I felt horrible this morning about how angry I came off and the threats of divorce. So I sent him this text this morning to which he hasn't responded. I feel like regardless of no response - it can set a turning point for me and my behavior. What do you think?
"I am confused and heart broken. I don't want to show anger when I am just sad. I love you dearly. And always have. OUr relationship was strong and based on a great friendship, love, a desire to grow together and same values. I know in my hear the disconnection and discontentment you feel is something way bigger than us. I want to help you beat this. I will stand by you if you let me. Please can we get some help from someone who can point us in the right direction?'
Also - Can somebody explain, why is it ok to let him live in the house, come and go as he chooses, provide no assistance with kids, daily living, etc. while sits on the couch drinking and lets me manage the entire life around him.
Also - Can somebody explain, why is it ok to let him live in the house, come and go as he chooses, provide no assistance with kids, daily living, etc. while sits on the couch drinking and lets me manage the entire life around him.
Here is a thread of an LBS that has a live in MLC'er
My kids are 9, 7, 5 and 5. I have been dim, only speaking when spoken to, not asking him where he is when he is coming. For the past 3 weeks he has left the country, gone to a Notre Dame football game for the weekend and and all day Jets game drinking fest. I kindly and happily supported it all. He inserts himself into our life when he feels like it and checks out just the same. I run everyday and had been spending time up in my room on the computer etc. At first it seemed to be working, but yesterday, after spending 4 hours at the gym with no regard for our family schedule I felt I needed to talk and level set. That turned into the brutal conversation we had last night.
His biggest complaint is that everybody outside the home gives him lots of attention, thinks he is great, validates him etc. But he feels he got nothing inside the home. IMO, that is because he disconnected (I allowed it) from all responsibility years ago. So what he says was true. I ran the entire ship and if he showed up it was a bonus. Yes, sometimes I complained and we joked together that he was "worthless" around the house - but I thought it was just the way we were.
I felt horrible this morning about how angry I came off and the threats of divorce. So I sent him this text this morning to which he hasn't responded. I feel like regardless of no response - it can set a turning point for me and my behavior. What do you think?
"I am confused and heart broken. I don't want to show anger when I am just sad. I love you dearly. And always have. OUr relationship was strong and based on a great friendship, love, a desire to grow together and same values. I know in my hear the disconnection and discontentment you feel is something way bigger than us. I want to help you beat this. I will stand by you if you let me. Please can we get some help from someone who can point us in the right direction?'
I think your text comes across as trying to control how he feels and thinks, and denies how he is interpreting his own experience,
When someone is feeling bad about their marriage, being told their marriage was strong makes them feel unheard and dismissed.
It sounds to me like your H has given you a clear indication of a big issue in your marriage, and you have flipped it around so it is all his fault and not your fault.
I understand that it feels like his issues are bigger than yours, but you have the best chance of saving your marriage if you change your behavior first, even if you feel like he doesn't deserve to have you change first.
I would get counseling for yourself to work on your anger, and then I would be eagle-eyed in a search for honest words of affirmation and praise you can give your husband. He doesn't help at home, but does he provide financial support for the family? Is he he sold financial provider?
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
I understand what you saying Rose, but my text was meant to be an apology for being angry and say "i love you and I will stand by you through this". I felt if I showed him that what he saying is really a made up story in his head then he could maybe dig deep and find what is really going on with him.
Is there any benefit to reaching out to one of his friends to talk some sense in him?
I am reading and reading and reading about detachment. Understanding it is easy. but actually doing it seems impossible. Especially when he is in my face constantly.
I am just so sad and frustrated. He hasn't responded to my text at all?
With my husband, bringing in friends would have backfired. Big time.
Likewise, trying to convince him that he is believing a made-up story would not have worked.
I know detachment is hard. My counselor helped me a lot with this. Also, getting out of the house (even with kids) helped.
On another thread, someone suggested to think of it as attaching to your own life, rather than detaching from his. That might help.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Thank you. Another question. Can somebody give me some insight on what stage you think he is in?
He told me he started feeling like this in Spring Bomb Dropped in August Spent the last 3 months telling me he wants to be left alone and doing what he wants while living in the house. Last 2 weeks had shown signs of kindness, some random kisses on cheecks, hugs, i love you, how was your day, etc. souvenier from trips. Thought things were getting better until yesterday when he. . seemed very withdrawn, went to gym for 4 hours, asked me to wrap a bday gift for son, sat on couch and drank and watched while being almost in a coma state. No talking to me.
Is he in Replay, Depression, Withdrawal? I am not sure. . .
The bomb is dropped in replay generally. Likely, he'll be a good way off any of the later stages just now...
I wouldn't try and get anyone to talk some sense into him...that's not going to work. The best thing you can do is start to pull back. If you read back, that's the theme of recent posts to you. You want to do something - anything - I understand and have been there. But truly, the best you can do for now is gently draw back, give him some space and start to work on you.
Have you posted about areas you would like to work on and personal goals?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks Sotto. Yes, I guess it is replay. Guess when he was showing my attention and nice to me that perhaps he was coming out of it.
My goals:
I want my old husband back. I want a real, loving and happy family. I want to be loved and cared for. I want to be happy despite his actions (but I just don't know how). I want him to believe that I love him and our marriage is worth fighting for.
After initiating the R talk and sending that text (which he has not responded to) - how does it make sense for me to now "go dim". Aren't I sending contradictory messages?
